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Fate
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DarkAquarian
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Friday, May 29, 2020 - 1:01 pm
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Ya, that “it” spot is within you.

Especially when you ask yourself, where is “it”? No matter where you go, it’s there. It cannot be taken away, and you’ve always had “it”.

Glad that you can see it’s not the external environ, but the internal environ.

You’re on your way to great change and rebirth.

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capDB
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Friday, May 29, 2020 - 11:18 am
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I want to be in my center at all times. These things are simple really and they require a simple process. So Im planting very precious seeds in my own consciousness. Im ritualizing this in a way, or infusing love and respect into it. Im staying in my own Presence as much as possible. If I get off Center, which does happen, I get back to it asap. I don’t beat myself up for having a bad day, I just go back into peace in any way I can and it gets easier and easier. 

 

This is my work too right now.

I love that you said “ritualizing” it – 

I am trying to do more of that to keep coming back to this place I know to be “home” which can be anywhere.

But being single, still in a court case, still in contact with abuser, financial struggles, day to day stuff with a kid in a pandemic, and a dog, and clients, and “stuff” etc – not to sound whiny, but I have a hard time staying connected.

Something throws me off and it’s like I go away for a really long time. 

I’m trying to come back faster.

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Friday, May 29, 2020 - 11:36 am
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Theres also something for me about effort, or pushing against that I am not doing. I guess the converse would be what they call “flow” in the New Age lingo. Its not that Im not productive, Im just being more like water- if there’s a boulder I go around it. It also requires a level of acceptance and humility that I never thought Id experience. I trust that Life or God put that boulder there to guide me towards my highest good. I just trust that. I trust life. I step back and I let it unfold. I stay with God inside, have communion with that and see what emanates in the physical world, knowing that whatever it is, is my true destiny, because it comes from that inner wholeness.

 

This is beautiful.

 

And I just choose to be happy no matter what. It takes a lot of pressure off, to not be dependent on reality to make me happy. No matter what happens I can always choose to be happy, if I remember. 

Same here, but like I said earlier, I can get thrown into a spiral and it can be a week or more before I can get back. This past go around, it was over a year!

That’s why I’m working on trauma healing.

 

For example, the other morning I overslept, and I just wanted to feel the nice heavy “finally got enough sleep” feeling I had, but it was like wake up to tail spin- kid is cranky b/c she has to start online school in 2 mins, dog has to go out, lawyer just had meeting with judge, client is texting wondering if we are meeting and I’m feeling resentful in general of the *frantic* – longing to wake up late, have coffee, and come softly into the day.

And to top it all off, I drop the glass top of a candle holder, and the glass *shatters* everywhere – and for some reason I have a real trigger around shattered glass. It feels shocking and like I never feel like I’m going to get it all and there’s always going to be this sense of threat or danger (that’s my trauma).

So I just start at it – have’t had coffee yet, still have a million demands, freaked out about the lawyer, wondering what happened with the meeting she’s sending me an email about that I haven’t read yet – and I have to now get my dog in the crate so he doesn’t get cut on all the glass. 

I start vacuuming it and for whatever reason, there are so many minute pieces, I have to keep vacuuming over and over – keep finding more, and I get a shard in my foot.

And despite my best efforts to get it out, I “can’t find it” – so I walk around all day, because now my day has to go on, hobbling around on this foot. I can walk on it but if I step a certain way, it sends off a sharp ring of pain throughout my whole body. So I try to get it out again, but can’t find it.

This goes on all day.

Now my ex is texting me and we haven’t had contact in months, which has been phenomenal for me (that alone nearly healed my PTSD) but I knew it was a matter of time, and my heart is racing, and the glass is still in my foot.

I soak it that night, but still no luck.

I go around ALL of yesterday like this – occasionally hitting the spot, and it pinching.

Yesterday is exceptionally hectic with lots of demands. Every time I sit down, something else comes up, I go to bed angry because I’m exhausted and feel resentful and the stupid glass is still in my foot making everything feel 50x worse.

This morning, I get up, didn’t sleep well, up hours too early, and I’m determined to get the glass out of my foot, except now I have severe stomach cramps. Keep running to the bathroom. Realize I can’t meet family this weekend b/c I won’t risk getting any of them sick, feel awful about that b/c I know my daughter is going to be hugely disappointed, as she hasn’t seen anyone in months. Feel pressure b/c I promised her dad she could see him after we’ve seen my family first b/c my own dad is compromised. Worry I have COVID.

Sit down with coffee, get up again, still glass in foot. keyboard on laptop stops working, so now it’s typing wacky characters, put a call in about that. Then my dog starts vomiting. My kid wakes up and starts with her demands.

 

And I had a client. Somehow got through that. Showed up at my writing group and (thank god) have therapy later today. But it’s like…

That’s an example and not to say those are excuses. But I can just see where I get off on a bad foot (no pun intended!) (like a few mornings ago just waking up late) and it turns into this crazy avalanche that seems to go on for days.

My saving grace is to see it as *days* rather than *years* or months or weeks right now. And keep building the other things I want to be doing – writing, walking, partnering, yoga, gardening, etc. 

But this kind of thing went on for literally YEARS. So now I got the glass out of my foot. The runs have seemed to slow down. Not going to see family this weekend actually means a less hectic weekend. My dog is better. And I can be grateful that I have a little respite (except, as part of the trauma – I never really feel that respite, I feel more constantly on guard and hypervigilant and like I’m just waiting for the next thing). But working on that!

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Friday, May 29, 2020 - 2:24 pm
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Sounds overwhelming. Ive been there and I also understand the home thing. I haven’t mentioned this to many people but I was homeless with my son for three months last year. It was truly one of the best things that happened to me because it forced me to look at where I was seeking security in the material world and not in the spiritual world. The eye of the hurricane. 

We are told that the material is solid and the spiritual is ephemeral but it’s the other way around. The material is fragile like glass. What is permanent? Neti neti the shit that isn’t. What’s left will be Home. I share this from my own experience. Its all been so worth it, to find what I’ve found and I desire that for you too. 

eta: I feel compelled to tell you this too: you are going through is the deepest initiation that there is. Many people turn around before they get to where you are. You can see the abyss. It looks like chaos from where you stand, but its the most divine order. Now all you have to do is jump. Ill tell you what a mentor told me- that you have so many beings right now that are on the other side of the river, that you can’t see, but are rooting for your illumination with all their hearts. 

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Saturday, May 30, 2020 - 1:00 pm
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Wow, LibraNoir. It’s hard to think of you guys homeless, but love how you came through it with grace and wisdom. Sending love to you.

And thanks for your support and encouragement.

I have to say this – the universe is funny. At the heart of my “home” struggle was this sense of – if I move anywhere else, I want it to have a “purpose” not just a random whim or escape. Either it be a relationship, job, somewhere for a year as a cultural exchange, what have you. And this week I got a call back from a new functional medical doc I’m consulting with for our mold illness and other chronic health issues, and he wants to see pics of me (I’m working with him first, before my daughter) in our house b/c the first step is to be sure we can heal here.

This feels like a gift to me. I begin working with him in a couple weeks, and I’m wondering if this is going to be the thing that helps me feel more settled and at peace, knowing that I’m in a “home” I can heal in. It feels really good to my spirit!

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Saturday, June 6, 2020 - 12:08 pm
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When I was pretty young – around age 16-19 I went through an awful Saturn transit. It crossed my ascendant at that time and my whole life just fell to pieces, and it was the beginning of a number of health issues as well. It all came from without. I was happy before that. Standard American working class small town childhood, and then bam it was over. Physically, mentally, over. I don’t believe I’ve truly recovered although there are times when I think maybe I have. But it keeps coming back to haunt me. I don’t want to accept that it is part of me. I mean, something that happens in youth has a long way to travel with you, you know? But my God, won’t it just recede into the past already?

So I think I understand what you mean about fate. I feel like I have a ton of potential I never have and never will live up to, especially creatively, because of what happened at that sensitive time in my life. I carry it with me like a weight I can’t shake off.

I hope that makes sense, it’s the summary without the details.

It seems to correspond with my nodes – N. is in Leo, S. in Aquarius. I resort to the air in my chart a lot. I’m sure there’s something I need to confront.

I hope you find what you’re looking for ❤️

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Sunday, June 14, 2020 - 5:32 am
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I needed to read this thread in entirety this morning. Bit by bit. One sentence at a time. Separated by a nap, two breakfasts, a drain cleaning and a consequent shower. 

Also, my understanding of healing the trauma and being at home. The way my soul craves. Captured in a note addressed to self.

Self help as a genre is derided a lot. It should not be, foe this is such a beautiful example of what mere words are capable of. What you all did here was to bare your soul and give people like me a beacon to look up to, when we are tired of all the crawling.

Thank you.

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Wednesday, June 17, 2020 - 7:21 pm
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I think that destiny and fate involves free will in it too. Perhaps destiny is just our genes, personality, and choices, we make in life, all mixed together!

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