Ex with Pluto Square Sun Transit
So, my ex-husband is melting down. He lashed out at our daughter, who did absolutely nothing wrong, and has told me he can no longer pay child support. He says he will be broke by the end of the month and homeless. This is not, however, the only outcome to his situation; he is just refusing to look at his options. I looked at what was going on with his chart and saw he’s going through a Pluto square Sun transit, which explains some of this. Any tips on how to cope with someone going through this?
Space. Patience. Understanding without expectations. How do you know what is and isn't there for him? He will have to discover it himself, through the fire that he will either immerse himself in willingly or be dragged through.
You're too close to provide "logical reasons" for anything. Emotional support is all there can exist.
I agree with giving him space, but I don’t think I’m too close to the situation. The same scenario played out last July, and none of what he feared happened. He shows signs of being bipolar but will not seek any kind of help. My main concern is my daughter and keeping her safe. For now, I’m going to behave as a “gray rock” and let him do what he’s going to do I guess.
I’m very sorry for what you’re going through, Occhi. It really hurts to see parents who can’t or won’t set themselves aside for the sake of their children. So much of parenting is about sacrifice, and so many seem unwilling. I’m sure it’s very trying to have to coparent in this circumstance.
Being human can be a very difficult task, that only gets more difficult with children, in a lot of ways. As someone who has seemingly had non stop Pluto transits to luminaries, personal planets, angles for the past decade, space is a really good idea. Many times have I just felt thwarted in my need to simply take a deep breath and be quiet. I think that’s where the lashing out comes from; it can feel like life or death (sometimes it is). Even when it isn’t, the feeling is very real.
I think you have the right idea by just focusing on your daughter. She’s the most important variable here, as she has little agency in the situation. Your ex is accountable for his actions, but it’s not necessarily personal to anyone. He’ll have to go through it, and do an inventory of his actions at some point in the future. Regret sucks.
If you can manage, I’d say don’t expect too much, only to save yourself some grief if he can’t deliver. Try to keep any animosity off the shoulders of your daughter. If you can manage compassion, that will never hurt the situation, as long as you’re not enabling him.
I’d also check out your own transits (maybe your daughter’s, too) to gain clarity about where you are in this situation, and hopefully get the most out it for you. See where you can draw strength from.
eta, just wanted to add that having healthy, and at least moderately happy parents is good for children, too. Sometimes easier said than done, but focusing on yourself, your child, and letting him focus on him is probably for the best.
Oh man, this is complex. I just finished up with this transit and it’s deep. I feel for all of you.
Im just meditating on it and receiving so many perspectives, but I’ll tell you the first simple message I got which is: One day at a time. Don’t project too far into the future. But also, have a plan B in case he’s not able to be responsible to his daughter. Hes hinting to you that he’s struggling. Wether or not you feel he’s full of shit, you can’t control him. If you can figure out a way to not depend on his money or time, that would be really good. Im not saying to not accept his money or his time if he presents it of course. Just that he might not be incredibly reliable at this time, so don’t put all your eggs in that basket.
Releasing expectations of him (no matter how morally wrong it is of him to not provide for his daughter and treat her poorly), will also release you from feeling resentment towards him, which is important for your happiness and your daughters. I’m not saying don’t do your due diligence as far as child support, etc.
I think your feelings can tell you a lot too on how to proceed and how to best take care of your daughter. Are you angry, sad, resigned? I feel that if you can successfully navigate your own emotional terrain and not project too much onto him (not that you are) it will really show you where you’re own internal resources are.
I also agree with Buendia about looking at your chart, especially the Moon as you are the Mother and your daughters as well. I intuitively feel that the answers are in that Lunar realm for you.
Eta: As far as providing emotional support to him. If you can and it’s not hurting you or your daughter go ahead. You did say that your daughter is your priority, which of course is right. And there is a fine line because he is her father, and investing some love into him might benefit her in the long run or even the short run. Again I say check into the emotions to discern what is right.
Pluto has been opposite my poor Cancer Moon for nearly two years now, so I feel like there’s something there for sure. Having gone through all this last summer, I know better than to try to control anything. I do wonder if all of this is meant to force me to be more independent. I’m just glad I have a good relationship with my daughter. She’s 16 and has a very good head on her shoulders. She is very disappointed that things are like this with her dad but knows it has nothing to do with her.