Emotional Connection I Can't Explain
I have this emotional connection with a man who is 15 years my senior and it's hard to put into words what it entails but I'm going to try. I first saw him in a math class we had together in the community college we went to. We were both in the same degree program at the time. I used to look around at my classmates during class sometimes and know who was there and who wasn't. This older man had been gone from class about a week and a half and came back one day and I remember glancing at him, thinking he looked very sick. At the time he was going through cancer treatment and I didn't know it. I just remember looking at him and hoping he would get better. I had no explanation for why I would think that about someone I didn't know.
He brought it up some time ago and knew who I had sat next to and remembered that my seat mate would help me with the math when I didn't understand it. I asked my friend, this older man, where one of our other classmates had sat and he couldn't remember despite claiming he paid attention to that stuff so he could get help if needed. He didn't even remember that our other classmate, a mutual friend, was also in the same class as us until I brought up.
I ended up having multiple classes with him the following term and wound up sitting next to him in one of them where he introduced himself after helping me with one of our lab assignments. He'd also smile at me and say hi while walking past me in one of our other classes that term. We had one final class together the term after that one and he did suggest I join his group which I blew off because I thought he was joking about that. After that I didn't see him for a while and he didn't cross my mind until I had a thought one day about him and hoped he wasn't dead. Shortly afterwards I was sitting in the hallway waiting for one of my classes to start and he happened just to walk by, take notice of me, and cracks a joke about me causing trouble. We spoke briefly and I didn't see him again until the following term and he was surprised I had a couple of classes with him. That was when we started hanging out outside of school and became friends.
After that some sort of emotional connection was formed coupled with known sexual attraction that has been acted upon every once in a while and I feel it intensely. We have fought and quit speaking to each other for a while before starting up again. When I am not speaking with him after a fight, I dream of him constantly. Other people have assumed we're dating when we're not and he is adamant that he does not want that from me and while I actually have feelings for him, I don't want to date him because of the way he deals with his emotions (Ignores them, bottles them up, and lashes out inappropriately at people) and I told him so. He's currently upset with me because I didn't sugarcoat that when I told him why I'd never date him to begin with even though he has said he doesn't see me that way. He considers me one of the most important people in his life to the point I was probably the first person he told about his cancer recurring. Someone he thought he was in love flat out told me that he and I had a relationship and that we had a bond, which I actually now see what she meant. Apparently a lot of people see something that isn't there between us.
I know there's something there that's intense that I can't explain and I suspect he knows it as well but refuses to acknowledge it.
The ironic thing is that our birthdates both add up to 33, our mothers were both 20 when we were born and their birthdays are two days apart. My mom shares a first name with his daughter (spelled differently) and his first name is the same as my uncle's (also spelled differently) while his middle name is my dad and brother's first name. His cousin also shares a first name with my stepsister and his cousin's sister (other cousin) has the same first name as my stepsister's half-sister. One of his brothers also has the same first name as my cousin and my deceased older brother (spelled differently for each). Also years before I met him, I developed an interest in all things Irish and he is Irish American.
In case anyone asks, Pluto is prominent in our synastry and our 7th house rulers aspect each other in double whammies.
It sounds like a soul connection. The men in these connections are usually afraid of it. They’re the ones who fuck it up 9 times out of 10. Women are more receptive to it. Synchronicities are a big clue that it’s a higher level soul connection. They’re signs from what I consider the angelic realm. Angels are part of the matrix of higher consciousness. They always support soul unions. True soul unions where the energies of the two people basically come together to make them better together than they are apart. To make something that the universe considers good. I don’t know what to tell you, these connections are painful when one of the people want to be a dumb ass but you learn a lot through them. You can also develop a strong relationship to angels if you want to.
Your story is really interesting! It sounds like you have a karmic connection. Do you feel like you are destined to learn something from your time with this man?
I have a pattern with a few men who have Pluto and Uranus conjunct my moon, even though they are a lot younger than me. Each time it has shocked me into making life changes and inviting in connection with others. (Otherwise, I tend to sort of live on my own island most of the time.)
I just wanted to come back and say it was wrong to say it’s usually the mans fault, it takes two people to mess something up, so while it does appear that way, it’s not that simple.
I want to give you a word of advice though... (and this is for anyone in a soul union looking for answers) Don’t look for answers about this connection or take advice from mortals. They will steer you wrong. Don’t even listen to your logical mind (unless you’re absolutely clear). Thoughts can kill a soul connection faster than anything- our logical mind tries to rationalize the connection, and what happens is things become distorted, actions become perverse and make the masculine even more afraid and want to run away instinctually. The Feminine is the more receptive half but also potentially much darker (the Kabbalistic Tree of Life illustrates this dichotomy, it’s universal principle)
Anyways, higher level soul connections, (and I don’t know for sure if that’s what you’re experiencing, only you know- it does sound like it to me based on your constant search for answers, as well and the synchronicity you described) you need to get your guidance from a higher source. That is the only way you will be steered in the right direction. Often you will find they want one or both people to make a difficult choice. (If you aren’t experiencing this now, you could in future) They want the people to to follow their heart (soul) It’s like a test. Once a soul connection opens up your kundalini (serpent energy) you have the power to completely transform your life but it can feel like the scariest thing you will ever do. The angels are waiting to see what you’ll (not you specifically) will do with it. This is the Adam and Eve story... the choice... Look at the Lovers tarot card that depicts this scene...
The angels want to support the connection, but they are hard core and will cut off the connection just as fast as they brought it together. The doors don’t stay open forever. They will slam them shut (all support will cease) and you will find even more obstacles in the way with time. It’s never actually impossible but it will start to seem like it more and more as time passes.
Hmmm, I'd definitely check how the Nodes are involved in synastry and composite. Nodal connections do show if there is something to learn from each other. The key is not to resist those lessons, but to embrace them.
Ugh, I just got a synchronicity to do with a soul connection. It’s one that haunts me with a specific connection.