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leobra1221
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Thursday, March 1, 2018 - 2:15 pm
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I have been involved with a Cancer male long distance. 

He has expressed that he wants to continue to see one another and “see where it goes.” He has been hurt in his past. 3 years ago he got out of a 6 year relationship and has not been in one since. We have been close friends, and talk nearly every day for about 2.5 years. Since we met. We both were in a situation in which we were not ready for a relationship as we both were fresh out of long term relationships. But ever since we met we have kept in touch and I have always been crazy about him.

We have just recently this past November decided to start seeing one another but are not “in a relationship”

The problem is, I am having a hard time with the long distance. I would not feel as bad if he would give me a commitment. I mean I know it is just a label and he has told me he is slowly working his way into this being a relationship that he wants to take it slow because he is scared and does not want to hurt me which in reality is very sweet and shows the seriousness he takes with this.

But at the same time, I am loyal do not see anyone else. But it has been 2 months since I last seen him (I am going to visit for a week in April)

It seems as time goes on he is going into his shell. I do not know how to handle this because long distance feeds off of communication and his communication is so… confusing at times. When I first got back in January from seeing him he was calling me at night, saying he missed me all the time, wanting to plan the next trip etc… Now as time has gone on it feels he is distancing himself. Not mentioning the up coming trip. Not saying anything in regards to us or missing me and if so its very sporadic.

Maybe I am looking too into this? Possibly with time its getting harder on both of us maybe he is realizing its harder than we thought.

He does mention wanting to get this certain house, says that it is his goal this year but does not necessairly mention it as in terms of me and him.

 

In December after seeing him for the first time in a long time I had asked him what we are, and what his intentions are. He said he has a lot of feelings for me but wants to continue to see one another and see where it goes and that he is scared of a relationship and scared that if we are together all the time that things will change between us.

I told him of course things would change, for the good and bad. But that is a relationship. We will become more comfortable with one another and learn each other on a much deeper level. I said nothing good ever comes easy. It takes good communication and compromise for a relationship to work …it does take work. 

Anyways, my point being. Is he going in his shell because he is unsure of us? Or do you think its due to us being apart so long that its weighing on him?

I myself, am at the point where after my next visit, I want to have a talk. I feel if he cannot make a decision on if he wants to be with me that I cannot continue flying down there every other month, gaining more feelings just to feel left like I do not know where I stand. I wholeheartedly know he cares for me and he has expressed he loved me only a couple times. But I know this is true.

But I cannot put my life on hold, when I do not know where we are headed. I feel he just needs time to be sure and feel secure. I know it is hard, especially with long distance but its too hard being apart to feel like there is no end game. I want to know he plans to have a future with me. Although I know he would not be putting in time and effort to see me if this were not the case but with us being long distance I need to be reassured. I have reassured him many times and told him if it gets to the point that I would be willing to relocate (because realistically I know he would not, and that is okay he is very cautious)

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Libra Noir
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Thursday, March 1, 2018 - 2:38 pm
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I think its totally reasonable to want to know if he’s investing as much as you are. Sounds like you are at a crossroads. Have you talked to him about it? 

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leobra1221
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Friday, March 2, 2018 - 7:24 am
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Libra Noir said
I think its totally reasonable to want to know if he’s investing as much as you are. Sounds like you are at a crossroads. Have you talked to him about it?   

Not recently, no

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Friday, March 2, 2018 - 4:06 pm
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I think a conversation with him is definitely in order. Everything you explained to us, explain to him. But I would do it in person, while you are there, not after. These conversations are best had in person.

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Tam
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Friday, March 2, 2018 - 7:35 pm
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Difficult for sure. He is content as is but you are ready for more. I need to feel people out so when you visit next time I would be with him for a few days before I said anything. But as the others have said I would say something to him even if you don’t wait that long.

As an aside sometimes I ask myself what I should do about a situation as I’m going to sleep then in the morning when I wake up I ask myself again. It really helps me in making the decision I’m not sure why.

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Wednesday, March 7, 2018 - 9:22 am
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He does not express himself well verbally. It is hard for me I need to hear it, and feel it. I am a Leo with Libra moon, I do need the mental stimulation as well as the actions. I am more than understanding and I KNOW he cares. But its hard being away from him as I feel just cold. I dont know how else to explain it. He still wants to keep in contact everyday but it doesnt feel warm or lovey. Its just casual conversations nothing ever gets deep or romantic. I am having a hard time with this but I am holding on until I come visit in a month. But long distance is really killing it for me, it woudlnt be as bad if he could communicate with me better. Just feeling stuck. Part of me wants to back out but I am too attached and care too much. Not sure which road is the right way

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Wednesday, March 7, 2018 - 3:36 pm
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Tam said

As an aside sometimes I ask myself what I should do about a situation as I’m going to sleep then in the morning when I wake up I ask myself again. It really helps me in making the decision I’m not sure why.  

This is a great tool.

Ask a yes or no question prior to falling asleep. Then in the morning before opening your eyes, lay still, and wait for the answer.

Inner wisdom minus the mind.

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leobra1221
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Sunday, March 11, 2018 - 3:34 pm
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Libra Noir said
I think its totally reasonable to want to know if he’s investing as much as you are. Sounds like you are at a crossroads. Have you talked to him about it?   

So I simply asked him if he still wanted to see me the other day. And he said “Yeah. I know I am difficult I have been trying to figure out what I want. And if you don’t want to come I understand. Believe me I have been trying to figure myself out”

I told him that I still wanted to see him. That it seems as if he is less interested and wanted to know if he still wanted to see me and that I don’t want to be strung along etc.

He said that it is something within him, figuring himself out. And that he is not sure of a relationship yet. That he is not tryin to play with my feelings and that he is unsure of the answers to my questions because he doesn’t even know himself.

I asked what exactly does he know then. Because from my end I don’t really know anything and it’s hard. That I understand he is figuring life out But I cannot wait forever for someone who is unsure of me.

He said he would like to talk in person when he sees me so that we can actually talk about it and it not get confusing.

i agreed.

 

But part of me is starting to have a guard up. I truly will wait for him because I know he cares and he is scared but he has to give me something. I am scared I will continue to see him and get more and more feelings just for this to go no where.

I understand and actually respect him for not giving me false hope and being honest. But at the same time, if we are not looking for the same thing then why drag this out. He claims he does not want a relationship but when I am there. He acts as if we are. He holds my hand cuddles with me we are intimate and I meet and spend time with his friends and family. So part of me Does not want to give him a relationship without the responsibility, I do not do fwb and it feels this way. As he wants intimacy but no relationship. I don’t sleep with friends. I am giving him loyalty and what am I getting in return. It’s hard because I can see it from both views and understand from both ends… how do I decide which is the way to go. I want to have respect for myself and not feel used but I also respect his emotional boundaries. Definitely a lot to think about

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Sunday, March 11, 2018 - 5:39 pm
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leobra1221 said

So I simply asked him if he still wanted to see me the other day. And he said “Yeah. I know I am difficult I have been trying to figure out what I want. And if you don’t want to come I understand. Believe me I have been trying to figure myself out”

I told him that I still wanted to see him. That it seems as if he is less interested and wanted to know if he still wanted to see me and that I don’t want to be strung along etc.

He said that it is something within him, figuring himself out. And that he is not sure of a relationship yet. That he is not tryin to play with my feelings and that he is unsure of the answers to my questions because he doesn’t even know himself.

I asked what exactly does he know then. Because from my end I don’t really know anything and it’s hard. That I understand he is figuring life out But I cannot wait forever for someone who is unsure of me.

He said he would like to talk in person when he sees me so that we can actually talk about it and it not get confusing.

i agreed.

 

But part of me is starting to have a guard up. I truly will wait for him because I know he cares and he is scared but he has to give me something. I am scared I will continue to see him and get more and more feelings just for this to go no where.

I understand and actually respect him for not giving me false hope and being honest. But at the same time, if we are not looking for the same thing then why drag this out. He claims he does not want a relationship but when I am there. He acts as if we are. He holds my hand cuddles with me we are intimate and I meet and spend time with his friends and family. So part of me Does not want to give him a relationship without the responsibility, I do not do fwb and it feels this way. As he wants intimacy but no relationship. I don’t sleep with friends. I am giving him loyalty and what am I getting in return. It’s hard because I can see it from both views and understand from both ends… how do I decide which is the way to go. I want to have respect for myself and not feel used but I also respect his emotional boundaries. Definitely a lot to think about  

We have been close friends, and talk nearly every day for about 2.5 years

How long is it going to take this guy to know anything. He has to know you after 2 1/2 years.

You asked him. He answered you in a round a bout way but the answer is no.

As long as you hang on to this, you wont move forward and find someone who wants the same thing you do, which is a relationship.

Every time I have ever been intimate with anyone I gave a part of myself away. You can waste another trip, sleep with him, have stronger feelings for him again and come home and feel empty again or you can LET IT GO.

I don’t sleep with my friends either. And, my friends don’t treat me like that. He said….he understands if you don’t want to come.

Don’t go. Move past it and get a relationship you wont question. When you let that go, you will find it.

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Sunday, March 11, 2018 - 11:11 pm
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leobra1221 said

So I simply asked him if he still wanted to see me the other day. And he said “Yeah. I know I am difficult I have been trying to figure out what I want. And if you don’t want to come I understand. Believe me I have been trying to figure myself out”

I told him that I still wanted to see him. That it seems as if he is less interested and wanted to know if he still wanted to see me and that I don’t want to be strung along etc.

He said that it is something within him, figuring himself out. And that he is not sure of a relationship yet. That he is not tryin to play with my feelings and that he is unsure of the answers to my questions because he doesn’t even know himself.

I asked what exactly does he know then. Because from my end I don’t really know anything and it’s hard. That I understand he is figuring life out But I cannot wait forever for someone who is unsure of me.

He said he would like to talk in person when he sees me so that we can actually talk about it and it not get confusing.

i agreed.

 

But part of me is starting to have a guard up. I truly will wait for him because I know he cares and he is scared but he has to give me something. I am scared I will continue to see him and get more and more feelings just for this to go no where.

I understand and actually respect him for not giving me false hope and being honest. But at the same time, if we are not looking for the same thing then why drag this out. He claims he does not want a relationship but when I am there. He acts as if we are. He holds my hand cuddles with me we are intimate and I meet and spend time with his friends and family. So part of me Does not want to give him a relationship without the responsibility, I do not do fwb and it feels this way. As he wants intimacy but no relationship. I don’t sleep with friends. I am giving him loyalty and what am I getting in return. It’s hard because I can see it from both views and understand from both ends… how do I decide which is the way to go. I want to have respect for myself and not feel used but I also respect his emotional boundaries. Definitely a lot to think about  

I think your feelings are valid. Its imbalanced. You’ve invested quite a bit of time and energy, put other potential love interests on hold, and been patient and affectionate with him. In return youve gotten….a potential relationship and thats even unsure. At what point does there have to be a payoff for your investment? 

You sound like a wonderful and caring young woman. You can still understand where hes coming from without going against your inner dignity, but understanding him doesnt mean that you put your desires on hold. If you move on it doesnt mean you disregard his feelings. Only that you are honoring yours. I say, do that before feelings of bitterness creep in. 

As far as his character…well i dont think hes being a gentleman. If he was he wouldnt be keeping you on the line. I personally would not be comfortable allowing someone to court me for over two years if i had mixed feelings. Of course hes been honest with you, but he hasnt even taken enough responsibility to define it for you either way. Thats not kind. A mature man would handle this differently, in my opinion. His lack of integrity is not impressive.

You, on the other hand have an opportunity to act with integrity, by doing what feels right to you. That energy spreads outward and will empower you and everyone around you. It doesnt sound like you are conflicted at all about what you want. Do what you want and what feels the most right.  Let him be responsible for himself. 

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leobra1221
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Monday, March 12, 2018 - 7:33 am
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soup said

We have been close friends, and talk nearly every day for about 2.5 years

How long is it going to take this guy to know anything. He has to know you after 2 1/2 years.

You asked him. He answered you in a round a bout way but the answer is no.

As long as you hang on to this, you wont move forward and find someone who wants the same thing you do, which is a relationship.

Every time I have ever been intimate with anyone I gave a part of myself away. You can waste another trip, sleep with him, have stronger feelings for him again and come home and feel empty again or you can LET IT GO.

I don’t sleep with my friends either. And, my friends don’t treat me like that. He said….he understands if you don’t want to come.

Don’t go. Move past it and get a relationship you wont question. When you let that go, you will find it.  

Yeah, I feel as if I put in too much to get very little in return. I am beginning to feel bitter and as if I am not respecting myself if I continue to endure this behavior and it also shows him he has the control and upper hand in future, perfect recipe to be taken advantage of continuously in the future. Thank you for your input

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leobra1221
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Monday, March 12, 2018 - 7:36 am
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Libra Noir said

I think your feelings are valid. Its imbalanced. You’ve invested quite a bit of time and energy, put other potential love interests on hold, and been patient and affectionate with him. In return youve gotten….a potential relationship and thats even unsure. At what point does there have to be a payoff for your investment? 

You sound like a wonderful and caring young woman. You can still understand where hes coming from without going against your inner dignity, but understanding him doesnt mean that you put your desires on hold. If you move on it doesnt mean you disregard his feelings. Only that you are honoring yours. I say, do that before feelings of bitterness creep in. 

As far as his character…well i dont think hes being a gentleman. If he was he wouldnt be keeping you on the line. I personally would not be comfortable allowing someone to court me for over two years if i had mixed feelings. Of course hes been honest with you, but he hasnt even taken enough responsibility to define it for you either way. Thats not kind. A mature man would handle this differently, in my opinion. His lack of integrity is not impressive.

You, on the other hand have an opportunity to act with integrity, by doing what feels right to you. That energy spreads outward and will empower you and everyone around you. It doesnt sound like you are conflicted at all about what you want. Do what you want and what feels the most right.  Let him be responsible for himself.   

Yes I have been feeling as if I need to stand up for myself, I tend to value others feelings more than my own and its starting to make me bitter. Like you said very imbalance and I  do not see much of good to come from this unless he does a 180 which is doubtful. I have expressed to him that I atleast want to know where he stands, I never asked for a relationship… just to know what is going on. And I still get a response to “talk in person”… So that you can trap me into still coming? Get all the benefit of a relationship for a week without the responsibility? 

Thank you for you input once again !

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leobra1221
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Monday, April 16, 2018 - 8:21 am
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Well, my trip to see him was quite disappointing.

The first night was great, like normal. He was affectionate and seemed genuine.

After the first night he was cold and distant. I felt like he could care less I was there. He treated me like a buddy. AND didn’t even talk to me in person like he had originally said we should. He slept with me, but seems thats the only time he showed any sort of affection (accept for the first night)

Although there were times I feel he was “slipping up” but he would catch himself and be even more cold. Like he was slipping up expressions of feelings (action wise)

I asked him why he acted to different and if he even still has feelings (I still do not know how one can go from having all these feelings to… nothing? out of no where) He told me he cares about me, that he is clueless as to what he wants and that he tried the whole bf/gf thing and that maybe he sees it more as friendship but he doesnt know.

I was upset, told him he should not of slept with me if that is how he was feeling that it messes with my feelings. He told me he just is not ready for relationship and that one day he wants one the next he doesnt. He was very apologetic and kept assuring me he did not use me, but I sure felt used and let him know of it.

I told him I will not be friends, and that I do not sleep with friends. Told him I will no longer be talking to him. Wished him the best and said goodbye.

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Monday, April 16, 2018 - 9:52 am
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(((Leobra)))) Sounds like you handled that with a lot of grace and maturity. Im sure it hurts but The bright side about all of this is now theres room in your heart for someone whos on your level. 

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Monday, April 16, 2018 - 11:02 am
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Late, but I’m sorry about that. I do agree you handled it maturely. You did set boundaries and opened up yourself for an actually good relationship.

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