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Did you Ever have a Long Distance Relationshp Work out?
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capDB
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Saturday, May 16, 2020 - 9:31 pm
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I’m feeling a bit bleak about it. Esp in a pandemic. He’s on the other side of the country. I’m texting with a friend now who is living with his husband who he met and lived in other countries. So I know it can be a success, but I know it’s not without its huge challenges. It’s not what I would want for myself. But here I am.

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Sunday, May 17, 2020 - 5:09 am
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I have seen numerous long distance relationships work out.

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CrisLondon
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Sunday, May 17, 2020 - 6:39 am
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I’ve seen one long distance relationship go the distance! (They are in current happiness) In this case one of the two people moved to where the other one lived within a year (they did know each other from the past though – one previous long-distance experience together – so they rekindled their relationship and in a year went deeper in the relationship.)

And I’ve heard of one couple (from a friend I heard this) who moved to a third and new country so that both partners could start fresh.

Long distance relationships, online dating and traditional dating are all being affected big time by the pandemic…So sorry that this is impacting on you!

One thing I’d do if I was in this situation (long distance love in a pandemic) would be to send each other a t-shirt or a sweater so that you can each have each other’s scent and pheromones (hormones) with you these days. It might help to add a sensorial dimension apart from hearing one’s voice over the phone and seeing the other over a videoconference.

Also, if I was in this situation I’d use a videoconference platform where the couple can interact with each other (e.g. like play games while sharing a laptop/computer screen – thinking Zoom has that option of sharing the screen – no, I don’t have shares or relations with Zoom! – yet it doesn’t work with phones or tablets the interactive bit-) so that it makes the experience more sensorial and present. I’ve found this works wonders and it feels like the other person was with me somehow. 

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Sunday, May 17, 2020 - 7:00 am
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Thanks, Elsa. Glad to see positive responses.

Thanks, CrisLondon – our situation is … strange.

 

So we met online recently. We haven’t been in person. However, I realized (before he did) who he was. During the time we knew each other, when he first came to this country, he was married, and I was partnered. I remember him as super kind, a mensch. I remember envying his marriage – even though he said “we put up a good front” – they were having problems at the time. Our daughters even played together. We went to his daughter’s birthday party. I was at his apt in the state I live in now, when he used to live here.

But this feels like worlds ago. And we didn’t know each other in the way we are getting to know one another now.

We met because I thought I was moving out in that direction. Now I don’t know. He is on the West coast, I’m on the east. His child is 1.5 years away from college, mine is only in 4th and I don’t want to take her away from the school she is in, even though now, with the pandemic, everything has changed. 

He travels for work. But he’s pretty much stationed where he is (at least I think he is). He just started a new role (in March) for a company he’s been at only 2 years and he’s very much into staying at one company awhile. 

So that’s what’s feeling hard. Who’d move? At first, it was that I would. Now I don’t know. 

But I’m not really having to know now. The way this whole thing happened was so … odd. That it doesn’t feel like the whole thing is up to me (Cap sun of course wants it to be in my control). And while part of me is like “what’s the point?” Another part is “Let’s see what happens” – it’s been enjoyable talking with him. We are meeting on Zoom soon. We connect. There is definitely something there despite the odds. And there’s the sense that we both know that.

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TBB
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Sunday, May 17, 2020 - 11:03 am
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My husband and I dated on and off for 7.5 years living halfway across the country from each other. I moved twice, including grad school and a new career, before he moved in with me (in a city just about halfway between the original two) and we are now married. It’s possible, but not easy! A ton of emotional growth was involved. 

capDB, it sounds like you two are in a different stage of your lives than we were. Are the highs worth the lows? I can say without a doubt that even the not so highs were worth the lows. But you two also have children involved, which complicates things further. Wishing you happiness in whatever you decide!

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CrisLondon
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Sunday, May 17, 2020 - 12:45 pm
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capDB, it sounds that for now it’s all about connecting and furthering/deeping your acquantaince and developing a (romantic) friendship.

Finding out if you’re at different life stages (TBB mentioned this key thing) will be important to balance the growing attraction and connection with thinking of realistic goals and expectations.

Your being a Cap, I think, is in your favour as you will have a sound head about things at the end of the day. In my opinion it’s good to dream and be open (the ‘Let’s see what happens’ attitude that you have) and to also be grounded (hehe, perhaps not exactly the ‘What’s the point?’ state of mind – yet I can understand how that can come up at times, especially with the distance, the slow pace/delays and the pandemic -) and know that if this relationship proves to develop in solid, sustained and promising ways in these next months then it’s best to eventually find a common place to call home – even if you each live in your own homes for some time if this is needed due to your personal life stage/circumstances.

In times like these with the pandemic and travel limited and lockdown in some countries and areas within the same country the challenge for long distance relationships, online and offline dating is that the ability to hold a sustained interest in another will be trully tested. Like it’s easy to feel bored and feel apathy and low mood with how things are going so the challenge to fuel and energise relationships and situations for long is bigger because of the situation. This is at least how I’m thinking about things and experiencing the lockdown (in the UK) and hearing how my family (in other European countries) are coping.

It’s so good that you’re now both free and available at the same 🙂

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Sunday, May 17, 2020 - 12:58 pm
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TBB, yes, we are at a different stage. But I work for myself and can work from anywhere, fortunately. And he travels for work. His child is a year and a half away from going to college. And my child is in school, but school is not even happening right now.

We are both the same age. We both want (at least what we’ve stated to each other so far) the same things (essentially). We have both felt burned in relationship, done work, and are prioritizing what feels good, connected, and supportive. And we have that so far.

I think it’s more just that relationships are *hard enough as it is* (at least for me) and to make them more complicated with the geographical piece feels crazy. And yet, I haven’t (we haven’t) gotten to where it is an obstacle yet – meaning, we’re not willing to end things for that reason alone. 

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Sunday, May 17, 2020 - 1:04 pm
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CrisLondon

 

…to balance the growing attraction and connection with thinking of realistic goals and expectations.

Thank you for  naming/putting words to this. This is what I think is happening now. Not wanting to completely thwart things but also keeping realistic before getting to “involved” emotionally, etc. Not an easy balance!

Your being a Cap, I think, is in your favour as you will have a sound head about things at the end of the day.

Possibly, Lol. I am working on having “agency” and putting my “adult” self in the driver seat with this. I have other aspects to my chart that don’t always provide “sound headedness” lol.

He is scorpio. I am working on getting more to see his chart. 

 

In my opinion it’s good to dream and be open (the ‘Let’s see what happens’ attitude that you have)

I’m good at this! Sometimes I take it too far!

and to also be grounded (hehe, perhaps not exactly the ‘What’s the point?’ state of mind – yet I can understand how that can come up at times, especially with the distance, the slow pace/delays and the pandemic -)

But I’m good at this too. I can easily talk myself out of it. But right now, what I’m telling myself is a) nothing much else is going on (though that’s not what’s driving me to connect with him b) I think this is happening for a reason and that reason is bigger than me or him alone etc. c) I’m trying to stay out of my own way and just let it be what it will be and participate enough to let that unfold without stops and starts — pushing it in any one direction or stopping anything from happening.

and know that if this relationship proves to develop in solid, sustained and promising ways in these next months then it’s best to eventually find a common place to call home – even if you each live in your own homes for some time if this is needed due to your personal life stage/circumstances.

Agree!

Thanks for your great input!

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Sunday, May 17, 2020 - 1:52 pm
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My one long distance relationship is the only relationship that ever did work out! About 8 months after we met, I did move halfway across the USA to live with him. I had never previously considered moving to this place, because I had no reason to. But it ended up being a soft place for me to land when I dropped out of grad school/the perfect reason to drop out of grad school. Who would have thought that the softest place to land would be near the 44th parallel in the dead of winter!? Anyway, that amount of time was fine for us, but honestly I don’t know how much longer our relationship could have sustained the distance, because it was new. Ultimately my moving showed my commitment, and things accelerated from there. I think it comes down to priorities. I decided that the relationship was more important than the other things that I sacrificed. Your kids will obviously play a strong role in your decision, but kids can adapt! Is there anything special there for your 4th grader that doesn’t exist where you are now?

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Monday, May 18, 2020 - 1:28 pm
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Is there anything special there for your 4th grader that doesn’t exist where you are now?

 

CocoPeaches, the only answer I could (foreseeable) come up with is a father and a partnered mother.

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Monday, May 18, 2020 - 4:34 pm
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Hey that’s not nothin!

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Monday, May 18, 2020 - 1:54 pm
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I believe absence makes the heart grow fonder heart

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Monday, May 18, 2020 - 6:57 pm
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CocoPeaches, lol. I didn’t know the answer to your question, but then I thought about it some more. And I was like, hmmm…. well, there’s that!

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Monday, May 18, 2020 - 9:13 pm
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When I was fat, I had this long distance email relationship! I knew that it wouldn’t last once I sent my picture of how I truly looked like, at that time.

I kinda just needed someone to talk to. Yeah, I was desperate…

So, obviously it was a long distance relationship that didn’t work…..for me!

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Tuesday, May 19, 2020 - 12:58 pm
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Anon- I feel like I’ve done variations of that. We’ve seen each other on Zoom. I don’t know if I mentioned this, but he and I already know each other – and so we’ve met in person and our families have met. He’s actually a friend of my ex. He lost touch with my ex, and we struggled to figure out if this is “okay” but for now decided it is as we are on opposite sides of the country, and nothing much is happening with this pandemic, etc. He feels guilty. I feel … nothing. If anything, I think it’s a good thing. His daughter and my daughter played together. Him and my ex care about one another. Obviously, if their relationship were still strong or he lived here and snatched me up after ex and I broke up, it might be different. But we met innocently and he didn’t eve know who I was when he wrote me on a dating site (I was out of context and its been years).

 

I should also mention, this all came about after a family constellations-style mediation where I felt completely connected to my ancestors, and when I turned and faced my future (in more of my “rightful place” in the family line, I had a clear vision of the city he lives in and myself there – and a lot of abundance). The next day, this happened (and I also got money in my account from my ex that was unexpected – it was actually from the government – my ex wouldn’t send me money (ha) – but still) Wild times.

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