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A Person Is Mean, But Why?

Elsa
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 Elsa
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Joined: 18 years ago

I am not starting this thread to defend abusers who I don't care to defend!  This is just another thing, that's been on my mind lately.

It's common to be the center of your story.  "Oh, this person said this or did this and I hurt!"  There is nothing wrong with that at all. But what if the same person keeps doing the thing to you?  And you're not in a position to exit? After awhile, you may internalize it!

I mean, I must suck because someone is doing this things to me....

The thing is, WHY? Why are they really doing the bad thing?

It may be they are sick. I'm serious about this. People lash out when they're ill... medication can do it, or many other things. If you happen to be there when they go off, then you're likely to be hit. Not physical... like by insults or other demeaning, demoralizing things.

I thought of, Mary. That's the gal I visited over the last year of her life as she died of cancer. She was such a fine person.  She was really something and always so polite and entertaining. But one time, I visited her and she was being really crappy to her caregiver.  I understand this is common but it was the first time I ever saw it happen...

She was nice and sweet to me and sharp and insulting and dismissive to this gal who was her caregiver. It was even more upsetting because she loved, Carrie (that was her name). She said many times, she could never make it without her.  By all accounts and everything I witnessed, Carrie, went above and beyond...

Eventually, Mary, was placed in hospice. Mary and Carrie were close... like Mary and I were close but I learned this was not really the case, because once Mary was in hospice, Carrie never visited again. She was off the job.

Mary was quite hurt by it, but also transcendent by her very nature.  This is when I realized there was probably a lot more abuse thrown in Carrie's direction, when I was not around.

So am I mad or disappointed in Mary? I'm not. It's not that easy to die. Many of us romanticize it, especially if you have Neptune in Scorpio or something similar. But the fact is, your body is giving out on you and you're not going to make it to see "the next thing" whatever it is.  So you're pissed at times and you lash out.

That was what I came to in the end, people are mean when they're dying. So if someone is mean to you, maybe ask if they might be dying.  Because if they are, someday, you may be in a similar circumstance and will you be nice?

Maybe not.

We judge everyone as if they are us which of course, they are not. I hope you get something out of this. I did, so I'm putting it out here.

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Opalina
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My late husband would have periods where he would get angry at me. That ok. he was safe with me. He was sick , his mind was not working properly. Maybe Mary felt safe with her caregiver and knew if she needed to express her pain the caregiver would not abandon her.

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Jilly
Posts: 182
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When I was younger I was horrified (Libra) by the thought you could have a stroke, or brain injury & it could change your entire personality. Like you could have a stroke and then wake up and be a total cunt from then on. (Assuming you weren't one previously.)

As a kid I'd seen it happen to some regular customers (car wreck, Vietnam) & I guess it stuck with me.

That was what I came to in the end, people are mean when they're dying. So if someone is mean to you, maybe ask if they might be dying.  Because if they are, someday, you may be in a similar circumstance and will you be nice?

Maybe not.

We judge everyone as if they are us which of course, they are not. I hope you get something out of this. I did, so I'm putting it out here.

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CocoPeaches
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@jilly My family said I became nicer after my accident. I guess I was lucky, not only to be alive, but also that I didn't turn total cunt!

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NotMyCircus
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Joined: 12 years ago

This is probably more common behind closed doors than people realize. This and power struggles. Caregivers are....HANDY. I'll just say it like that. Kind of the way a person comes home from a hard day at work, and takes it out on their family. 

I went through this with Shiny Taurus towards the end of his life. He was a CARDINAL person. So am I!! There were tears, yelling, mean words said in a moment of anger....I was ashamed and he was too. We said "I'm sorry" to each other a lot but that stuff takes a toll. He felt like I and his caregivers were all controlling his life, and sometimes he was harder on me than on his caregivers who were often unreliable, dumping their personal issues in us or stealing our things!

One of my clients does this dance with me where we get along fine--and then we don't. She sometimes gets hyper due to her meds, and she also likes to call the shots! She doesn't give two craps about some care plan the agency gave us to follow, she expects us to listen to HER and what SHE wants us to do. With the dying, that's just the way it is. If they're a diabetic and want to eat 5 gallons of ice cream, or want a pack of cigarettes a day with COPD, or (like ST) insist on ordering a huge pizza dripping with toppings when they're dealing with heart failure--by golly, you give it to them!! It's their life. It is ultimately about control....and at the end of your life, you will grab as much control as you can get, other's concerns damned. 

I've learned that yes, dying people can be really unkind to those closest to them. And if they get in a mood or start snapping, you better back up abd leave them alone. Let them have their way. Is this the hill you want to die on?

Someday, when I'm dying, I imagine I will get very moody and difficult. LOL. Please don't take it personally, I'll try not to be too bitchy. ❤️ 

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Libra Noir
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Dying is a powerless position. I guess a caregiver is in the position of power (seemingly) and therefore represents that feeling of being out of control so gets that anger funneled to them. 

I see it with my mom and stepdad. They get really mad at eachother. But both of them are powerless. I sympathize with both of them, and don’t blame either of them for their behavior. 

Another example to show the flipside is my friend who is dying of cancer. He’s at peace and so kind to everyone (as far as I can tell) because he’s made friends with Death. He inspires me a lot. 

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Tam
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 Tam
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If I get dehydrated or if I am hurting I will get angry and snappish. Literally just drinking some water and taking aspirin turns me around. 

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