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What’s up? How Ya Doin’? Watcha doin’?

Elsa
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 Elsa
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Also, there is such a thing as psychological defense. People defend their sensitivities, which is normal.

There is also the "talking into a fan" phenomena. I wrote a series about this many years ago, I think it is still there.

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elisa
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my mother is a hoarder so me and the part time caretaker took hours last month to clean out the downstairs which is basically two huge rooms filled and enough to have a big dining room and one huge 2nd livingroom and bedroom. No one can walk through it. So we tried super hard to clean what we can and exhausted 6 huge trashcans later, we managed to donate many old but perfectly good condition toys, many purses that are wrapped in plastic and bags (my mother likes to keep things very tidy and wrapped in plastic or boxes/bags so they dont deteriorate) and many clothes and some household items. We found some designer bags too like Gucci and Kenneth Cole and Kate Spade bags. lol I was woahhhh i never owned those xD I gave one to the part time caretaker for helping me out and she took many of the items and donated them and kept some for herself as helping me out plus i still paid her.

But it was a huge RELIEF. those items just sitting there for years. I did find some brand new tupperware i really needed to replace some old ones. lol We are far from over. Next year we will tackle more. The cleaning lady also told me that she cleans hoarder homes and one lady she cleans house, has a little girl and which is why the court /social worker ordered her to get it cleaned since she has a minor child in the house. Her illness was that she just orders from online every month with boxes of brand new things. And this lady is young, not elderly like my mother. As elderly i have researched do tend to hoarding many times. Not all but many do. Since the prices are going up with gas and everything else, illnesses like this wont stop them. I noticed after my mother had a stroke she stopped hoarding; its as if that part of the brain was damaged and she doesn't hoard as much but she still likes to keep things close. we deduced because she was raised poor that she held on to things so tightly as if she wont have anything in the future. (edit-  when i mean POOR i mean so poor that one big household shared one soap) that's super poor. and they hunted for food, and had one dress in the closet (maybe didnt even have closet) so pooor that her cousins died of malnutrition in other households due to lack of food. Yes this was in third world countries. So imagine how poor and horrible that no one could survive past 30 years old due to lack of food/nutrition and diseases. so the illness of hoarding comes through trauma and being so poor and lacking food and material.

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Elsa
 Elsa
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@elisa woah! I admire what you're doing.

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elisa
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@elsa ^^ thank you for your kind words.

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Kim
 Kim
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@elisa My grandmother was a hoarder. She didn't really let us help much, because she "might need that" or wanted to "save that for a craft", etc. She kept old newspapers because she hadn't finished the crossword puzzles in them. It didn't all get sorted out until she passed away. Is your mom okay with it?

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elisa
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@kim 

oh before her stroke she wouldnt let me downstairs to take care of anything. she would have a big fit and no one would dare. Plus it raised her high blood pressure so i just wont bother. I just slowly try to throw only junk away, like extra boxes that are molded or destroyed or stuff that is just useless but i would still have to ask permission.  Since her stroke she is more lenient weirdly. We still ask out of courtesy but she's okay with it. There are some very valuable things so we just dont touch those or ask permission. She's definitely more accepting. The stroke did make her more easy going and less stressed and much much less controlling. there are some days where she returns to that, but its brief.  Its nice that she's not so controlling, because she can be hard to live with or be around.  We had to get her back on track with speech therapy because it damaged her speech for awhile now she's doing great with talking.

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Kim
 Kim
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@elisa That's good that she's cooperative. It was such a shame the way my grandparents lived. They were embarrassed by it, but more than that it was just really unsafe and unsanitary for them, not to mention a fire hazard, etc. As a child I always dreamed I'd help them clean it up, but as a teenager I quickly learned that my grandma would let me clean, but she would scarcely let me throw anything away.

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Elsa
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HBOMax has a black Friday sale. We signed on and started watching "oz" based on the reviews.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118421/

It's brutal but so very well done... no one can deny.

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soup
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My mother was finally cremated. The funeral home had to contact their legal department and have them get involved. The sisters that wanted to contest her cremation were finally told they had a week to file a motion at the courthouse and if they wanted anything else they would have to pay (but I am not sure what that was about because I was so distraught over her being in a cooler for so long, I was not sure exactly what they wanted) One had a list of items she wanted from her home and the other wanted an autopsy, I think. One sister wanted items from me. What on earth? I have nothing. I don't even have my own things. We just got rid of 75% of our own belongings when we moved. So weird. 

Anyway, she is at peace now and in an urn. My sister has her ashes. And she bought several small urns to share her with family. That is also NOT what my mother wanted. She wanted her ashes to be buried at the family cemetery in Tennessee. Another wish that will not be granted. They are going to do whatever they want. I think you really have to be careful who you appoint as POA in situations and as executor to a will. Even though she thought out her plans, put people in place and paid for her wishes (which were written down in detail) none of it was done. 

I have to let go. I cannot be in emotional turmoil over it anymore. People are who they are. You can't do a thing about it. And they really show who they are when someone passes. I can decide to love people for who they are despite seeing what I have seen or the other alternative I suppose. The thing is ... at this point I just don't care. Nothing surprises me anymore. 

I did go home and spend time with my kids and theirs. It was so sweet. Husband was ready for me to come home though. When it got close to a week, he was letting me know it was time to come home. Not forcing of course.... but he is by himself when I am gone. He said this time was worse than all the other times I traveled back. 

No one knows what happens to us when we leave here. We die and we are just dead? We die and our soul leaves our body, and we can see everything? We head to the light? Immediately reincarnated? Who knows. I can tell you this... if it is anything other than die then we are dead.... and if my mother witnessed this fantastic shit show they put on... I bet she was ready to pull all their hair out. It was the mutable sisters that threw the fits. Two Virgos and the Gemini. The Cancer and I just sat back and watched in disbelief.

They were after money. And they didn't get a dime. 

These people had NO feelings whatsoever. Mouths on fire, screaming, demanding it be done this way and that way... on their terms. (And none of them were in the will nor did they have POA) An attorney set them straight fast. Of course, they are all pissed. Who cares. At one point I wanted to stand up and mow them all down. And could have. I thought better of it though. It was not worth the time or effort to do it. 

So, while my mother is cremated, she is not being buried where she asked. And they have to live with that. 🙄 I am not sure how you can treat someone you love like that. You'd think respect would be important. It was not. Very disappointing to watch. In mourning and watching all that fighting. Disgusting. 

 

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Sue Ellen
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@soup

It's good to read the cremation happened.

I understand the crap that can happen to a family after a death. My dad's family is one for the books. Dad told my brother, "I'd always heard blood was thicker than water, but I swear to god, money is thicker than blood."

I hope you have peace now and can grieve without the family interference.

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Warped
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@soup 

I'm so sorry you've ended up with a family in shambles.  What a dishonor they've done.  If she'd been buried instead of cremated, all of her would be buried in Tennessee, so why won't they honor her instructions for all her ashes to be interred there?  Makes no sense. 

You're so right, the POA should be a legally binding contract and probably best in the hands of a reputable lawyer or pastor prepaid for that service, someone trustworthy who is not personally involved.  Food for thought, everyone!

 

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Elsa
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@soup what an ordeal. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope peace lies ahead.

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Allie
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@soup I’m glad things were finally taken care of. May she Rest In Peace, and your grief heals

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Elsa
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My husband's beard is coming in and he's crowing about it. He said he's going to work and sing to all the scraggle faces - "Don't you wish your boyfriend had beard like MEEEEE!"

And, 'Don't feel bad, boys. Not everyone can have a Fuller Brush beard like this!"

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Allie
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I’ve been saying, “That’s such an interesting topic.” a lot lately, lol

But there are.

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