I’ve always loved giving advice (I have a Cardinal heavy chart) but have been trying to minimize doing it. My bf flat out told me, “I don’t want advice,” and I was a little offended. He’s a Libra Sun with a Virgo stellium; he takes forever to make decisions and even longer to act upon them once he does. I find this maddening but have slowly realized that it’s truly not my place to try to “help” him.
The other day someone elsewhere posted that advice was evil because it hinders the recipient from discerning their own path. That really resonated with me. Sometimes I want advice myself even though I know what I need to do, but I wonder if what I really want is to be relieved of responsibility. Any thoughts on this?
I like advice and ask for it, frequently. But I don't like unsolicited advice at all.
@elsa I’ve really been working on keeping my mouth shut, lol. I think giving advice when no one asked is a boundary problem.
@mielle I agree. And to further clarify, I became this way because of this blog. I am one person, displaying all kinds of personal things. Thousands read here... they are complete strangers to me - they may have read a single post! But they email me pages and pages about myself. Lack of boundaries, yes!
I don’t think advice is evil. But I think it is better if it’s based on each individual circumstance. Unsolicited, no…chances are it won’t be received well. I think it’s better off not giving it unless the person asks, you know the person very well and can deliver the advice in a manner that is best for them, or if they are really really struggling, maybe ask if they would like help.
@allie120 Evil is a strong word, obviously. The person who said that was talking about someone who did ask for advice. Instead of taking it, she used it to further her rumination.
I read a quote recently that said something like, advice that isn’t asked for comes off as criticism.
Guidance seems to land best when it’s recognized and requested.
@buendia I’m talking more about advice that was asked for. Like what are we really looking to get from it? A lot of people seek it out but don’t follow it.
Now that's more like looking for justification of what you've already decided.
@warped Or permission. I think people need to learn to trust their own instincts more. If they make a bad choice, at least it’s their choice, and hopefully they can grow from the experience.
Yes, permission, to absolve them of responsibility, either due to self doubt, or because they know they're wrong but hell-bent on doing it anyway.
Personally, I have no problem with unsolicited advice. I might not follow or like it, I might even tell you to GFY in the moment, but who knows what the eventual impact could be once I've ruminate on it as your words echo?
I sure could've used some at various times in my life, might've saved me from a few mistakes. People caught up in a spin don't often realize they need advice, let alone when, who, or how to ask for it.
A scolding lecture won't get any traction, but a subtle, engaging tale of a friend's or one's own similar experience (even if totally fictional) sliding in sideways without even showing awareness of the situation at hand can prompt recognition, comparison, self examination.