I got divorced when I was 42.. I found that men in my age group were looking for younger. Or they were like around age 30 which I had no interest in. I usually dated men older. Five to ten years older as they were looking for younger also. My LH was almost 6 years older.

I am 36 and we've been in lockdown since March or April, so there's not been much dating for me. I also don't believe in dating apps.

1. Men will always want women
2. The men who want 23 year olds, when they are 36, are not men you want to date
3. Work on yourself, so you don't settle for less.

You mentioned not having a full-time job. Do you want one?

What do you have going on in your life? Are you happy where you are at? If not, what steps can you take to resolve that?

Hi MariaR,

I'll share my experience and observations from trying to be set up, doing my own thing (and hoping to meet someone while I did this), going out to bars with friends, speed dating and internet dating.

Long post ahead...

What I might say can be perceived as very realistic and practical in some ways but I am trying to be of help. I'll talk from my experience of a cisgender straight woman. I'm a Pisces with Sun square Neptune and Moon opposite Neptune and although I'm still romantic I'm glad I took my love life almost as a job in my mid to late 30s (my Venus in Aquarius is co-ruled by Saturn so it was fitting to 'work' in my love life.)

So I'm in my 40s and married now. I decided I wanted to be partnered when I was between ages 36 and 37. Before that age I used to say that I wanted to be partnered but wasn't trully committed to it so it showed in my dating choices (precious time-wasting ones but I was a commitment phobic and also too Neptune-Neptunised to open my eyes regarding the men I dated.)

As an attractive woman I noticed dating in my 20s and my very early 30s was way way way different from dating in my mid to late 30s. 

Whereas before my mid to late 30s I always had ongoing dating choices there were significant less prospects in my mid to late 30s than at earlier ages.

The truth is that men in the mid to late 30s, if they are single and want to partner and be a father, tend to prefer dating younger women to make sure they have a real chance to have children and not have to wait years of trying doing assisted fertility or taking many years which can happen more and more with women in that age range.

Young women can unfortunately find themselves unable to have kids too for various health reasons (cancer, premature ovarian failure, serious endometriosis, etc.) but in general men going for younger increases the odds in thae kids department.

Of course women in their mid to late 30s can still get pregnant (I know two who got there after a year or so) but it gets really really hard as the years go by, and after 40 even harder, sometimes nearly impossible. I've been there and so have, unfortunately, too many of my friends. 

Anyway, should you happen to want to try to have your own biological children with a partner/spouse then I would not take a long break from dating if I were you. Perhaps you could space out dating sprees to take 2 or 3 week long breaks (we have this inconvenient worrying pandemic also meddling) but I wouldn't stop completely. It's too much of a precious time. 

I'm thinking you wrote a long while back in the forum about your Moon Pluto transit...so I remember some of your musings (still have a good memory, phew.)

My observations is that at 36 my friends and colleagues weren't quite able to set me up with men. Some were childmen I was warned about (oh, so true!) and many of the good men were happily married (not available.)

I tried speed dating at 36 after having enjoyed it in my late 20s. Hehe, in my 20s I got many requests to date and speed dating was fun. At 36 it wasn't as much fun although intriguing from a social experiment point of view. I realised the organisers struggled to find many men interested in the event in the mid to late 30s age range so they had accepted men up to their 50s and early 60s to attend. Wow!! Wow!!

The men were meaner to or more distracted/aloof with the women in my age range than with the younger ones in the event (the women we all exchanged experiences during the breaks as they were breaks because they were more women than men - more common in the older age range events.) I looked 10 years younger (Gemini chart ruler) but still picked up the vibes from the men (I swear women as they get older might secrete less pheronomes?) I decided to give speed dating a miss after going on some dates resulting from that event.

Many of my friends were partnered at the time so going out to parties or bars was less of an option. I didn't really like partying, bars, etc. anymore so I decided that for an introvert like me internet dating would be best. I could work during the day during the week and soend time for my love life at night replying to emails and updating my profile.

I did internet dating briefly in my late 20s. In my mid to late 30s the men contacting me were fewer and some were in their 60s! I starting making sense that what had changed was my age. I was perceived and valued differently in the dating market. It hurt but it is what it is.

I tried internet dating at 36. Met a great guy who I dated for 5 months. It didn't work out with him (a big reason for that but I won't share here.) When we talked about our internet dating experiences he said he had had weird stories about women he'dmet online. He told me early on that he found me attractive in the photos but wondered about contacting me because I was 36 (on our first date he was too excited to see that I looked like I did in my photos - people often put younger photos of themselves online. Why deceive, I wonder, the truth comes out in the date, hehe.) He said that had I been 37 (one year older that I was then) he would have not contacted me. His reason (I asked) was that he wanted kids and didn't want trouble with conceiving. Fair enough, I thought.

After that relationship went down I read the book 'The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating' by David Buss. It opened my eyes about the unfair but existing (despite years of my denying their existence) dynamics of heterosexual mating in the ages of 20s, 30s, 40s...I got some tips from that book.

When I tried internet dating again before my 37th birthday I had already taken heed of my mother's advice: to date men in their mid to late 40s. They would still appreciate a woman in my age group. Of course some men my age would still be open (I dated them but they were few interested.)

I wasn't used to dating older men so it took some getting used to but I got there eventually as I met my husband (doing online dating) who was a youthful-looking 44 year old with Sag rising. I did date a couple of men at the same time when I met him (I explained why I did that in a thread here at ElsaElsa about women dating 2 or more people simultaneously) until I only dated him and another guy but my husband really showed his substance (in comparison to the other guy who was my 'type' at the time) so I soon only dated him.

There are men in the mid to late 30s who wouldn't doubt too much the idea of dating a woman their age, say, if they met them through work or socially, and found they were a lovely person. They'd think of the age and wonder a little but go ahead most of the times. 

Online dating the age is next to the photo and many many men think of women of a certain age as getting too close to some doors closing. I found some men's emails were plain rude and some men would play hot and cold with emails or in dates and it's the age thing (apart from commitment phobia and other reasons.) There was also a level of disrespect (again the being valued differently at that age) as some would ask (I never replied to them) 'How come someone like you is single? What's wrong with you?'. My friends had similar experiences.

Some of the men I dated around the time I met my husband were nice and gallant. One became a friend for some time and gave me genuine advice about how men might behave with me (learned so much from him.) With some there was no chemistry (I'd date a nice man at least three times if I could imagine kissing them - if I found that image of kissng them in my mind too hard I'd leave it at one date.)

I think online dating works well at your age if one decides to date at least once per week (I could only do it twice during the good weeks. I'm very introverted and my job was very extroverted and I was exhausted by the evening) and one dates possibly more than one man as a norm. This way one dates very different people (I made a choice to date all types as long as they were nice and kind in their emails and the dates) and one possibly meets a 'type' who one has never considered dating before (this was my case with my husband.)

Asking the right questions and noticing people's answers (and actions) was key and I had a notebook to keep track of the dates and what was said. Men tell their truth early on if one asks and notices what's said verbally and non-verbally by them. Listening, really listening, is key to not waste time on timewasters in one's mid 30s.

A couple of months before meeting my husband I had a date with a man in his 40s who was very obnoxious and took offense that at my age I'd said No to a second date (!!). I had felt down and desperate and had agreed to a date with him (I'd met him at that last speed dating event mentioned before.) So I thought that I needed time off as 'desperate' would not yield me good results nor make me feel good. So I took a month break from dating to reflect and to read a book that someone I admired recommended: Lori Gottlieb's 'Mr Good Enough: The case for choosing a Real Man over holding out for Mr Perfect'

I read that book twice (the first read depressed me as I became aware of mistakes made earlier with good men) and after the 2nd reading I felt very hopeful that at 36 I still had a good window of opportunity dating-wise.

A good friend in her mid 30s took my advice and read the book twice (once and one can feel down.) She asked me to speak in her wedding (because she says I helped her partner with the book and other support) and she always recommends that book to friends in their 30s or 40s. I've recommended the book as well to friends of that age range and my friend and I find many don't finish the book. I'm sure it's because it's eye-opening and reveals early mistakes and it brings grief (aging process, less dating chances) and can raise resistance/ambivalence in the person reading it.

The book helps women recognise and choose to date good men and be happy. It's not about settling at all but about being realistic and having a chance at love.

By the way her and my friends are for now still single (and they're not happy about it - partnering is not for everybody, I know but it's difficult when one wants to.) These women said they preferred to be less practical in love. They are in their early to mid 40s and love finds one in all decades (Liz Taylor, Tina Turner...) but they will face some painful losses, I think if they want their biological children.

Hope this post was not too much of a downer. 

MariaR, you are in a very good window of opportunity. I would not stop dating for long. Get informed of how things work in your age range and self-care lots while you're dating again. Good films, good friends, nice food, time with pets and loved ones (safely with Covid), hobbies etc. so you can weather some of the bad feelings from bad experiences that dating sometimes presents. Ignore the men who you see clearly act aloof and be interested in those showing a 'sustained interest' in you.

Good luck meeting that nice person for you. There are plenty of good men out there (some might be in the process of separation or divorce and some might be moving to where you are, dome might feel ready finally to partner, etc.) and don't rule out the older men if you have done so so far.

(And if you do want to be a mother - whaever form that is - there are multiple ways to get to that destination. I am finding out that myself against all my initial ideas.)

Cris, thank you so much taking the time to write all this. I do appreciate it. I will read the book you recommended.

You have an excellent memory. I was thinking a lot about motherhood last year. There was a possibility of having a baby with my ex but I felt this was not the right thing to do. I've accepted its unlikely I will have a baby. I'm devoting most of my energies now to looking after my parents.

I can relate to what you have written. I've also had men ask me why I'm single at my age! What's wrong! Telling me it's a pity I'm not a few years younger! It is a totally different experience for me than dating in my 20s.

Now I think I'm going to be open to the possibility of meeting someone older. Even to find someone to spend some time with would be nice. Not necessarily a committed relationship. He just needs to be single - not someone looking for an affair.

I'm glad things worked out well for you and you met your husband. Thanks again for your helpful post. I will read the book.

 

Well, any man who has a problem with your age or isn't on the same page regarding having kids, can immediately be filtered out. Don't waste your time "convincing" someone like that.

You'll probably have the best luck with someone who's divorced, or who is on the independent side. I fall in the latter category and I wouldn't be surprised if I end up in a similar situation in 5 years, albeit as a male. I'm 31 now and I want to find love eventually but I don't feel like I'm in a hurry to get it, mainly because I don't really care about having kids/starting a family.

A tip: be upfront and tell guys when you're interested in them. Don't always expect them to say it first. Playing coy is not the best strategy after a certain age, nor is ruling people out for petty reasons. I'm not saying you do any of this, it's just something to think about. I'll put it this way: many of the guys who are super aggressive about pursuing women have probably already found someone at this point, and if not and they are still aggressive in pursuit, they might be creeps or players. Some women prefer that type of energy though and don't want anything else, but it could make things more difficult.

I guess the most important thing is just to keep trying, and put yourself out there. I'm sure you'll meet enough men to find a decent one eventually!