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m_arion
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Hello,

i decided to write here again because i feel like im wasting my life - or maybe i am wrong. I dont wanna write what i have been in the past and how i understood my life and my purpose. Now is what counts. Because of pandemics since march 2020 i live with my family again. Since 1 year when i started working professionally in my profession in an office that i wanted to- i started to have less and less time for my friends from the past. Its due to many reasons- i wanted to cut off, i wanted to rebuild myself, i wanted to finally focus on my life not to others life or being a sponge for others crying and problems.

The thing is - when i started to live life i wanted to when i started 'cut off' not only people but  'the past me' , i started to transform somehow - i saw that actually noone from my friends - maybe 1 person from closer friends was interested in what i was doing and taking initiative in talking or keeping in touch with me. So in the past for the last 10 years i had many circle of friends, social environments but it was usually due to me - my action, my initiative. I was a member of many organisations , groups but usually i was on the same level as men have been. Their girls were passive. I was always active but i thought it was good. It was not good. I havent had anyone in many years. Last 10 years was a path of failures in my relationship life and it was not because i didnt want to- i wanted to!!!- but noone wanted me for a long time in that 'active state' and usually my male friends ALWAYS were chosing passive girls. 

So i learnt that if i wanted to be in a group or a social circle i needed to take an action. And i was living in that state to be active and to take action, take initiative all my life, in work environment and in personal life. But maybe 2-3 years ago i decided to stop and only started to put my energy in my work environment. I started being passive in social activities ( because lmost everything was due to my initiative) because i was putting that energy in my work circle. I was getting higher and higher in work and in competitions related to work but i was losing friends. BUT I SAW that NOONE was willing to contact me first. And it was usually me who was that person to ORGANISE. SO i stopped. I started being passive in whatever i was doing earlier being an active person. I logged off from many social media, i started not to be 'visible'. AND what happened is that after some time- people started writing to me and CALLING ME. Usually people that i didnt expect  TO REMEMBER ME.

I lost weight, i look for a boyfriend now, but i dont wanna commitment. I havent had anyone in years like in a normal relationship. i was not in a target in this 'relationship, dating scene' so i can date now. But im 30. People assume i look for someone to be with long term or to marry. Its not true. 

My male friends and other people from the past remember me always being single. No man around me. Always everything i did was done by me maybe with a lil help of my foreign friends or family.

And now its not maybe about this pandemics, but i see myself as an observer of life. That I can really focus on my work and work related stuff and anything except relationship. I really do not care about men, and i am not jealous of guys that im attracted to that choose other female friends. I am like - ok whatever. And i go in that state deeper in life. I am afraid that it will not stop, that even if i look better or even if i am smarter, have more experience in work or i am more attractive - i would send 'whatever vibes'. 

AND my questions to you are - did i change forever? Its like 'i dont wanna, i dont care state'. ANd its not that i dont 'care' and i have contact with people. No. I dont care and I DO NOT have contact with people- only with  A FEW people including my FOREIGN FRIENDS from Spain or France that we share online pandemics live together . Only calling no social media. Sometimes i send 'instagram stories or fb stories' , i see people from the past are interested, see my stories, observe my stories, sometimes comment my stories. I never know WHEN IS the good time to change, to transform life to the way  i want.  

im  not like 21st century independent girl who have many friends, social circle, is talkative , popular and single by choice but her male friends secretly love her- no. Now since maybe a year or 1.5 years i prefer being alone, at home with family or with a book. Like i would come back to this state of being a teenager or someone who really dont care. For me world is open , i wanted to travel this year but pandemics started - i am stuck  here, work from home, being alone. I dont even 'have online connections' with people. Its not like in movies or in SKYPE ads that people gather and have social meetings. No. I am really alone. And if i didnt live with family now during pandemics i wouldnt have anyone to talk to in reality.

 

What do you see in my chart? I dont want to sound bad but it would be nice if you tell me if that state of my mind like 'being arrogant or not trusting or opening up to people' would fade away? What is going to change in my life? 

Thanks for any advice and comment, 

M

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CrisLondon
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Hi m_arion, thank you for opening up and writing this post.

I want to look at your chart (thanks for sharing that too - haven't clicked on it yet) but I have a busy Saturday ahead so I will write about what I see later today or tomorrow Sunday (I'm in the UK.)

However I wanted to reply to you and share what I'm 'reading' in your post/writing as you ask the question "did i change forever? Its like ‘i dont wanna, i dont care state’" I hear you also asked the same question in the last paragraph but under an astro umbrella (perhaps you asked the first time with the astro umbrella yet I'll go with my instinct and also my Gemini (moon and mars, mars ruling my scorpio ASC) need to talk (lol.)

It sounds like you have been going through some deep transformation (I suspect pluto and neptune transits or progressions without looking) in the last recent years and it's changed your presentation/how you are with others completely (so I wonder about angular houses activation, moon, sun and ascendant involved.) It sounds like you are connecting with a more receptive and introverted side in you and a more receptive and introverted way of being and relating after a long long time being super active and proactive in your social life and also in your romantic life (you mention some partners hoped you were passive.)

Yes, I'm using the word 'receptive' instead of 'passive' just in case the re-phrasing might be of help. If you mean 'passive' as in allowing others to control or manage your life, then I get what you mean about some people (men and women) wanting that kind of passivity in women.

Deep down and outwardly you come across as someone who will always take hold of their life, no matter what so I wouldn't worry too much about the changes you're going through as one can do quite well in life from a more receptive (even a little more passive) way too (where you are right now, perhaps temporarily who knows, and then you might return to being active with a new found inspiration of deeper needs and perhaps with a wish to be more receptive in some life areas.)

It sounds very very painful the loss of many friends as you were changing... That sounded (still sounds) like quite a disappointing and lonely experience to you. The grief process is still underway...If you were not putting in the energy you started to realise others were not coming to you...not at first at least.

And early in your post I did hear that one friend did seek you out (yey!! that person sounds like Gold) when you started to change energetically and focussed your goals in a profession/job you liked and wanted for yourself.

 

Now here comes a challenge from me .......

.....it does sound like you withdrew as well from friends, actively (not passively) logging off from social media and other forums...

...it could have been as a reaction to the anger, hurt and pain you felt regarding the losses of friendships and others not seeking you out at first...

...and it could also have been a way of becoming more introverted and inwardly focussed (the transformation you're going through.)

So a part of you sounds like it withdrew significantly from social life, disillusioned with the disappointing and hurt feelings you experienced...

And I hear that some friends sought you out...they had missed you!! You, not only the old you, but also the new you...perhaps some of those friends who finally sought you out are Gold too? (and human, of course, like all of us, so flawed!)

You mention appearances twice: when you said you lost weight and when you say you look better now...perhaps your weigth loss or looks change was significant...that can change how people are around someone and that can change the person having changed the look...take it slow...the body and the heart and the mind will connect fully at one point.

You'd like a boyfriend you say...but you don't want a commitment or marriage (at least not for now, I'm not sure if you meant forever)

There is a mixed message there...I think it's possible...a boyfriend is usually a person who is in an intimate committed relationship with (normally monogamous yet that can change depending on the couple's needs) so it is that you'd like a lover instead??

If you really meant 'boyfriend' then it seems you want a commitment yet you also don't want a commitment...so mixed messages in the love department...that will drive some good men away...just saying...and attract those who like you are ambivalent...

I'm glad you have your family (hope they're supportive) and your foreign friends (do they live abroad or do they live in your area yet are foreigners?) and that you call them regularly (calls in my opinion are better than fb or social media connections) and you get calls regularly...that is great...you are not alone.

Yet I get that you are mourning your losses (old you, old friends...), are longing for a connection and feel lonely at the moment amidst your transformations (and the pandemic situation doesn't help.)

Your friends remembered and called you...they missed you...shows love in my opinion...

Perhaps you can have your work (where you're full on invested) and also some of the loyal friends who stuck with you as you started changing and some of those who returned after a while...and then some new ones who will meet this new you (temporary, permanent? I think even if the change is temporary you will be changed by the experiences) who is not always proactively organising things...perhaps they will organise things too instead and perhaps they'll form a book club with you! (you say you like a book and read more lately.)

This is my piece of mind. I'll look at your chart and think of transits and progressions later this weekend, m_arion. Take care!

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Merc91
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Thanks for sharing this post Arion. Believe it or not i'm in the same boat as you at this very time. Don't underestimate an influence of social media (there is, being conscious of that or not). It is all superficial however because behind those images of "ideal life" god knows what is going on. I am strictly against social media in general. I don't feel to share my private things on social media so people can see, react and like and make me "feel better". Everybody likes some sort of attention in life but it is not the social media attention i value. I share story once in a while but never post anything. It does not change anything for me if i get likes or not. Recently when i decided to clam up after cutting couple of old friendship connections i changed my name and purged my Instagram followers and left only people i do have connection in real life. Simply because other people were meaningless in my life. I use social media for actual communication and not to show off.

During my life (i will be 29 in September) i was in various kind of circles of people. From straight up criminals, drug dealers, hooligans absolutely the worst of the worst. I was a destructive person, a bad person under influence and "go with a flow" type of approach to most things. I will not go into a details what i have done and do during that time, it would be too much but i lived double life. That time obviously left a mark on me, but also created a reflection to look on in my life journey. Transition from that environment to more ordinary and normal circle of people was absolutely painful. When i was 17-18 year old i was left without single person that i could call a friend, i was left alone. Football (soccer) was big passion of mine from very early age and i started playing it again and that's where i met new people and started new life. I felt like "outsider" even though i was accepted and made fresh new different type of friends. Not many knew what kind of life i lived and what i went through. I was in my early 20's during this period.

Because of the past experiences and in order to fit in new circle of people and friends (and to not be alone any longer) it was necessary to make changes in my attitude, behaviour, habits and basically to transform myself completely and here lays problem. I was young and ground was burning under my feet and under a risk to fuck up my life completely due to problems with government. I had no other choice back then, either get out of streets and get locked behind a bars or be somebody else. Choice was right but at what cost? Probably with lesser consequence then it'd be if i stayed a thug. In order to save myself i had to be a person that i don't know. I was everything that others wanted me to be in order to fit in, to feel like i fit in. Oh well better than being exposed on streets or locked in jail, right? Logically yes and i made a right move without a doubt, however this will bite my tail later in life anyway. Consequences were obvious. I had no identity. I went through things you can only see in movies at very young age. It took me many years after to get firm grip of myself and true sense of myself.

And guess what? It is not done yet simply because all of us evolve during a life time. Ask yourself are you the same person you was 2, 3 or 5 years ago?

Everyone and everything changes and so you do. Being a habit, job, attitude, taste, people etc. you name it. That's the way it goes in life. Sometimes you can control it and other times it happens naturally.

Do you look on certain things the same as before? Have your opinions and view on certain things changed? By reading these questions and many different you can answer your own "Did i change forever?".

Don't be discouraged by your current phase in life. Learn from this period. Connect with your inner self and most importantly be honest with yourself and i really mean it.

When is good time to change you asked? When you feel like you should. It is important to know how you feel about particular topic. Talk with yourself. 

Do what you FEEL is right for you. Not THINK but FEEL. If you reflect on others you'll never find your way. Talking from personal experience not something i read on internet.

And lastly PEOPLE: 

Those who want to be around you and be in contact with you- THEY WILL. You should not stress about it. Those who CARE about you will reach out to you no matter what. Focus on your own things and yourself. Forcing an issue will only create more issues.

You can't force somebody to call you if they don't want to. It is simple as that.

Be happy that you have a supportive family like i did. They are the truest friends you can have.

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CrisLondon
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Hi again m_arion

Oh my, there’s a lot that you’ve got going ons astrologically! Blimey! You are building huge resilience (you have that already) – it must not have been easy…at all.

Ah, so you’re an Aries Woman!!! ? You are active, proactive, a go-getter (you will always steer your life in the direction you wish, on your terms), aggressive when needed (to protect loved ones, others, you), brave and confident (at the very core.) Have you seen Elsa’s post on Sun exalted in Aries? If you haven’t, I advise you check it out.

You also have natal Moon conjunct Saturn (can be a little stern with self; hard worker; can commit and complete tasks; a ‘rock’ to and for others; enormous business acumen and sense (enhanced with the position of the planets in the sign of Capricorn); can struggle to relax (what to do with spare time? Work!); very loyal; deeply loving (even if not outwardly expressed); and your dependent side (Moon), the side that needs others emotionally and relationally, is super-pressured to be self-reliant by Saturn – a pattern learned in childhood, quite possibly.)

Your Moon also conjuncts two Outer planets (Neptune and Uranus) so your emotional needs extend in incredible ways to the collective. Neptune and imagination, transcendence, spirituality, sensitivity (a sensitive Moon…the loss of friends hurt a lot more than perhaps willing to acknowledge to self?); and Uranus and progressiveness, independence, insightful observations of life and others, some detachment (of feelings with Moon there), genius and originality, experiences of and familiarity with chaotic environments and flashes of intuition…both outer planets help feel that everything and everyone is connected and your Moon gets that…even in a Capricorn/practical kind of way so perhaps understanding that national economy depends on other economies...

In traditional astrology your Moon, Uranus, Neptune and Saturn are all conjunct as they are in the same sign – that it, there is copresence – so I interpret them as conjunct plus many good astrologers (Nance McCollough and Oner Doser come to mind) use 12 degrees for Sun and Moon (luminaries) so, in my view, your Moon has three planets connected to it plus it currently has Saturn and Pluto and Jupiter are activating it by transit via the conjunction!!! It’s the most powerful planetary aspect so you will merge the transiting planets energy and your natal planets energy (no, there is no choice there of this merger with the conjunction.)

I’m aware you haven’t asked for an astrological reading so I’ll leave it at that (the above) You want to know if things will change or is this you forever? So I’ll look at transits and progressions…

I won’t go technical regarding when the transits happened or are happening, or about retrograde phases nor about degrees of applying or separating transiting aspects…

Using traditional astrology the transit is felt from the moment a planet ingresses a sign where a natal planet is located and the transit is felt stronger as it approaches and touches the natal planet and the transit is felt till the transiting planet leaves the sign (e.g. your Saturn return started when Saturn ingressed Capricorn and will end when Saturn finally leaves Capricorn – is that later this year?)

 

So…you have some heavy transits (I’m not naming the transits Saturn to Neptune or Saturn to Uranus or Jupiter to Neptune…):

-Your Saturn Return…(a biggie) a time of challenges, restructuring everything, some losses, promotions (if one has worked hard before - plus your chart is diurnal (Sun in the upper part houses 7th to 12th included) so Saturn in your case brings more benefits with the Saturn Return than for people who have nocturnal charts so a Saturn Return brings Saturn benefits for you)…Saturn rules your Moon so you’re being asked to learn via the transit of the ruler what your moon needs (in great part work-work yet other things as discussed in this post) and what your 6th house needs are, I think.

- Pluto transit to Moon…another biggie…transformation and death of eating habits, transformation and death of emotional habits (perhaps Moon Saturn organised lots of social things out of fear of rejection – a vulnerability for moon saturn that is hard to admit – and these activity organisations were partly anxious habits? Could be super wrong and it’s just a thought)…transforming how your emotions surface and are expressed and processed…transformation around how you feel about things, others, yourself…emotions pouring out of control (for now, this has a purpose, trust it and know that you are safe and will be safe…moon-saturn can be worried about this temporary lack of control in experience of emotions…it will serve productively in the future, be patient)

-Pluto transit to Saturn…monumental death of some structures – social, professional –  linked to the moon (Saturn rules your moon) and transforming rigidity…power struggles…I’m not great at explaining or even getting this one but I do remember power struggles when transiting Saturn conjuncted my Pluto years ago…

-Saturn transit to Moon…losing weight (pluto can do that to the moon person yet Saturn also does it as Moon is a significator of one’s body)…really really becoming aware of your basic needs when everything is cut down to the bare bones (your losses, less social life with pandemic yet also before pandemic), when life ‘downsizes’ things on you and you can only meet your basic needs so you realise what your core needs are! Betty Lundsted explains this transit super well in a book...

With Saturn transit to Moon…a lot of loneliness, yes (this is the transit, any moon saturn harsh aspect transit, that I find the most most difficult and depressing one – temporary depression I must say, don’t despair - when it’s happening but oh it makes life much more genuine and enjoyable afterwards because of the discovery of core needs)…lots of weeding…socially, psychologically, emotionally…

-Jupiter transit to Moon…connecting to your feelings in open ways, seeing your feelings and receptive side as beneficial, potentially meeting women who are positive figures and helpful to you, becoming more in touch with your receptive side (moon) as a woman…Jupiter will cross your Moon again twice in the next months (wait, what degree is Jupiter now?) Some nice rainbows and silver linings in the current process you are going through…enjoy the moments with friends and possibly also with family. Eat some cake or nice food too! It’s like a ‘You’re lovable’ kind of transit…take that message in…

-Jupiter transit to Saturn…this one although it’s a strong theme in my chart (sat/jup) I’m blinded by it (in explaining it well I mean) as I’m experiencing Jupiter and Saturn transiting my Jupiter and Saturn right now. Something around expansion and contraction…going forward yet also being cautious or understanding some backwards steps will be taken? Wanting to expand yet restrictions coming up so delays…with the delays there is the benefit to review some of the projects one wanted to expand on…

 

All the activity of these transits of Jupiter, Pluto and Saturn happening in the 6th house of health and daily habits. One’s daily habits shape one’s life…they are not a minor thing at all (6th house is the more underrated house, I think)…possibly some illness and health issues too (6th house)…the changes are permanent and useful and deepening of your Moon nature and your daily life habits. It will be helpful.

You’ve also had the nodal axis (now in Gem/Sag) activating your moon and Uranus, Saturn and Neptune planets too…mega karmic…

You won’t be the same person at all. Yet all the Moon activity (increased vulnerability and connection to your emotional needs) is pointing to emotional work now…the end of some of this personal work is December 2021.

I know I’m biased because of my work yet psychotherapy has jumped in my head like three times since I read your post, thought of your post (before writing my first post) and wrote this post. If you have the money…now great therapists are working online so that could be an opportunity (in my view). As a way of really making this current process workable, efficient and long-lasting – all Cap loves. And of course therapy is not for everybody (not for my hubby, nooo) so you’ll know if it resonates with you, the idea - with your Sun in Aries and Cap planets and Saturn Moon perhaps you’ll do a stint and then leave when you feel you got what you needed…or even when the therapy becomes too hot, the processing too hard (that’s when I’d say stay)…I’d say if you do it try to do it as long as you can…perhaps say a year and stick to it. With progressed moon entering pisces (8th house sign) therapy can be productive.

Journaling helped me a lot years ago with huge transits (Neptune…if it wasn’t for the diaries I wouldn’t remember what happened at times then) and I recently discovered and rediscovered amazing journalising resources right here in the forum. Deep emotional journaling can also be 8th house exploration which your progressed moon is heading to.

With your Moon trine Pluto you do emotionally transformation so well, so well…you see gain in the current pain and loss…Emotional and psychological resilience.

All the above (astro-wise) is what comes to mind yet of course I’ll be missing things (I’m a pisces with Neptune harsh aspects) and biased in some ways to what I notice (I’m not looking at the house rulerships fully – what planet rules what house) so others who post responses will give you their piece of mind, observation and astro wisdom.

I’m not surprised you’re more introverted and self-reflective these days as that’s a lot of heavy dynamics going on. It’s like you need that space to process what the transits are asking you to do and asking you to feel.

You will be a different person after this. No way you’ll be back to the old you (especially not with Pluto and Saturn’s work.) Yet you’re an Aries Sun so you’ll continue to direct your life in your terms. And people will continue to love you for that inspiration you share by simply following your goals and bliss.

Romantically it will help you loads to get really acquainted and intimate with your Emotional Needs (Moon) and how you treat your Moon (emotional needs). Big time. Transiting Saturn once it re-enters Aquarius it will focus on your 7th house (angular house) needs. Once you address and listen to your needs and your feelings (what Merc91 recommends) your love life will improve (better matches will come to you or ‘the match’ will come) as you’ll be acknowledging and honouring your needs (Moon) much more…so you’ll notice more what prospective boyfriends (or lovers) can you’re your needs…

As you have an Aquarius 7th house, Saturn rules it (I use mainly traditional rulers) so it’s promising that Saturn will be transiting that house (and an angular house so all angular houses will be impacted!! Lots of changes once Saturn ingresses Aquarius and especially as it starts conjuncting planet by planet and the NNode)

Your Saturn transiting your chart houses…I just thought of Grant Lewi (astrology for the millions) and thought of where transiting Saturn is in your chart (will move later this year from the 6th to the 7th.) You are going places!!! (Saturn transiting 4th house to 11th house, upward professional trends)

If I was a betting woman I’d say that currently you are learning a big lesson about your emotional needs (Moon) that your independent and perhaps slightly avoidant side (of men, of your dependency needs, of your needs) which the Sun in Aries and natal Moon-Saturn-Uranus conjunction might have ignored or preferred not to fully acknowledge…and then real love (Saturn ruled Venus) could come into your life! Don’t send it away. Open up when someone opens up.

You have planets in the 7th house…partnered business and romantic relationships could be really important to you in your life…north node conjunct Venus in the 7th house says that your karmic lesson (NNode) is learning about 7th house (business and love partners, also clients on a 1:1 basis) and about what you value (venus; and your venus in aquarius…you value friends amongst other things) and what and who you love (venus)

Your venus rules the 4th house so again, the theme of emotional foundation and emotional needs (4th house) as well as working on childhood or family of origin patterns (4th house) will be worked on during the Saturn transit to Venus.

With SNode in the natal first house…perhaps you’ve been on your own for too long…it’s what you’re used to (south node) and what’s familiar, even ‘safe’…moon-saturn and Sun in Aries might have also confirmed that it was best to go it alone…

Some good love is coming, I’d say!! I might be wrong or not...

Your progressed Sun into Taurus will help you settle more, put roots (professionally, socially, romantically) and it will help you enjoy the simple things in life (Moon Cap also likes that) It will also slow you down (not like the transits you have now slowing you down with deep work but in a lighter and nicer way)…don’t worry, you’re still an Aries…

There is light at the end of the tunnel. In time you will welcome (receive) others, show that you care (moon), show that you need others (moon) more than initially expected, and you will be more content (Moon needs more met; Sun in Taurus progression in trine by sign to natal Moon in Capricorn.)

There is also a progressed new moon (progressed moon conjunct natal sun) coming up in the next 2.6 years…New beginnings, changes, transformation…also some pivotal success in some cases.

Focussing on work right now with all the Cap and Saturn activity and the 6th house…you are also intuitively doing what is needed. You are okay!

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m_arion
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hello, thank you all for the replies . i wil refer to those answers soon because now for the weekend im outside the city almost with no internet connection on my phone. Smile

thank you so much for those detailed answers. i didnt expect them.. Smile

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m_arion
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CrisLondon said
Hi m_arion, thank you for opening up and writing this post.

I want to look at your chart (thanks for sharing that too - haven't clicked on it yet) but I have a busy Saturday ahead so I will write about what I see later today or tomorrow Sunday (I'm in the UK.)

However I wanted to reply to you and share what I'm 'reading' in your post/writing as you ask the question "did i change forever? Its like ‘i dont wanna, i dont care state’" I hear you also asked the same question in the last paragraph but under an astro umbrella (perhaps you asked the first time with the astro umbrella yet I'll go with my instinct and also my Gemini (moon and mars, mars ruling my scorpio ASC) need to talk (lol.)

It sounds like you have been going through some deep transformation (I suspect pluto and neptune transits or progressions without looking) in the last recent years and it's changed your presentation/how you are with others completely (so I wonder about angular houses activation, moon, sun and ascendant involved.) It sounds like you are connecting with a more receptive and introverted side in you and a more receptive and introverted way of being and relating after a long long time being super active and proactive in your social life and also in your romantic life (you mention some partners hoped you were passive.)

Yes, I'm using the word 'receptive' instead of 'passive' just in case the re-phrasing might be of help. If you mean 'passive' as in allowing others to control or manage your life, then I get what you mean about some people (men and women) wanting that kind of passivity in women.

Deep down and outwardly you come across as someone who will always take hold of their life, no matter what so I wouldn't worry too much about the changes you're going through as one can do quite well in life from a more receptive (even a little more passive) way too (where you are right now, perhaps temporarily who knows, and then you might return to being active with a new found inspiration of deeper needs and perhaps with a wish to be more receptive in some life areas.)

It sounds very very painful the loss of many friends as you were changing... That sounded (still sounds) like quite a disappointing and lonely experience to you. The grief process is still underway...If you were not putting in the energy you started to realise others were not coming to you...not at first at least.

And early in your post I did hear that one friend did seek you out (yey!! that person sounds like Gold) when you started to change energetically and focussed your goals in a profession/job you liked and wanted for yourself.

 

Now here comes a challenge from me .......

.....it does sound like you withdrew as well from friends, actively (not passively) logging off from social media and other forums...

...it could have been as a reaction to the anger, hurt and pain you felt regarding the losses of friendships and others not seeking you out at first...

...and it could also have been a way of becoming more introverted and inwardly focussed (the transformation you're going through.)

So a part of you sounds like it withdrew significantly from social life, disillusioned with the disappointing and hurt feelings you experienced...

And I hear that some friends sought you out...they had missed you!! You, not only the old you, but also the new you...perhaps some of those friends who finally sought you out are Gold too? (and human, of course, like all of us, so flawed!)

You mention appearances twice: when you said you lost weight and when you say you look better now...perhaps your weigth loss or looks change was significant...that can change how people are around someone and that can change the person having changed the look...take it slow...the body and the heart and the mind will connect fully at one point.

You'd like a boyfriend you say...but you don't want a commitment or marriage (at least not for now, I'm not sure if you meant forever)

There is a mixed message there...I think it's possible...a boyfriend is usually a person who is in an intimate committed relationship with (normally monogamous yet that can change depending on the couple's needs) so it is that you'd like a lover instead??

If you really meant 'boyfriend' then it seems you want a commitment yet you also don't want a commitment...so mixed messages in the love department...that will drive some good men away...just saying...and attract those who like you are ambivalent...

I'm glad you have your family (hope they're supportive) and your foreign friends (do they live abroad or do they live in your area yet are foreigners?) and that you call them regularly (calls in my opinion are better than fb or social media connections) and you get calls regularly...that is great...you are not alone.

Yet I get that you are mourning your losses (old you, old friends...), are longing for a connection and feel lonely at the moment amidst your transformations (and the pandemic situation doesn't help.)

Your friends remembered and called you...they missed you...shows love in my opinion...

Perhaps you can have your work (where you're full on invested) and also some of the loyal friends who stuck with you as you started changing and some of those who returned after a while...and then some new ones who will meet this new you (temporary, permanent? I think even if the change is temporary you will be changed by the experiences) who is not always proactively organising things...perhaps they will organise things too instead and perhaps they'll form a book club with you! (you say you like a book and read more lately.)

This is my piece of mind. I'll look at your chart and think of transits and progressions later this weekend, m_arion. Take care!

  

Hello, thank you so much for this 1st post. I really appreciate the way you looked at it. Yes you are right about my attidute now. Im becoming more introverted but still i can take charge in my life - but its not this loud and eccentric way. Its more subtle, more feminine but still i know and probably will ever know what i want , to pursue my goal and etc. 

Its significantly sad for me to lose friends but somehow i always say its ok because i evolve. In the past unfortunately probably because i was living with my parents almost all my university and students life- it caused some problems with being assertive ( even though i was eccentric and not introverted) and confident. I was innerly weak and i wanted to cover it with being loud and somehow not confident... It was very bad because my mother is very strong personality and somehow i felt many years that somehow i felt holded back being by her or even living with her. In Poland its different than in The US or in UK or even in other west european countries- if you study in the same city as you were born usually you live with your parents. And you DO NOT RENT flats but usually parents BUY flats for you- its only due to rich friends. My parents have never bought any flat so i must have lived with them. Its ok im living n my own now ( expept pandemic times) but somehow i feel not matured and not evolved as i could be or as a person my age is. 

Many of my friends only moved from their family home after studies before they were 30 but its not even the same city. They changed cities for Warsaw or Cracow. I really envy people from Scandinavian countries or France or Germany that they can somehow afford living alone even in the same city they were born. Its like different stage of lives. ANd here its not like this. That is why my 'local' friends from university are more stable and more somehow 'matured' like old-souls because like me they never moved away from parents. On the other hand people who come to my city and have their student- ish life are usually from small villages around the county or other small cities. And its a 'different stage' of their life. So they are in my city without parents living in flats normally like young adults. Like I usually lived abroad. So people from y city, my friends dont know how i behave how i live here in my city because i felt normally and free only abroad living in France or Spain. And somehow it stopped me of being open and friendly here because i was stuck mentally. 

But 1 year ago i finally moved out to my own flat here and i feel better but my life is not as i thought it would be. As i try to evolve and change i see many of my drawbacks . Maybe i do not compare myself to others as i used to do in the past but i still see the lack of confidence, the lack of being spontanous in a confident and NORMAL manner, not only with being loud or crazy. And i know that i need to do many changes in my life to achieve what i want because for example now i attract not the people i want. In the past i attracted other people that now do not serve me but were my friends. And that is why i wanna change and i started cutting them off because i didnt feel like growing and evolving. Many times those people would somehow put me in the 2nd place in the friend relation wanting to be the centre of attention and me being only a helper. I didnt notice that many years in the same behaviour of many of my good friends. When i started to see it and somehow i started to block their behaviour they started to wonder why i was so bad and etc to them. ANd it was because i  started having my own opinion and being assertive. And they didnt like this. 

I have my own flat and i didnt tell anyone because i dont wanna any gossips and being too curious why family helped me in buying a flat, how much it costs and etc. I hate being asked so many questions. I never ask so much because i have this boundary that i know what is good and what is bad to ask. I never cross the boundaries. And many of my friends cross boundaries even with no intention. But i know they KNOW what they do only to get information. So i started being introverted, and it helped me clean my mind. Its not even about meditation and being more spiritual. I am not. I am calm. I do not care, I do what i want. 

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