When you meet someone for the first time, do you, yourself show up? Or do you send hologram in there to check things out? (Neptune)
Do you show up defensive? Do you interview the person, or wait for them to interview you? (Saturn)
Do you have a facade that is contrived?
Do you show up happy, and optimistic? (Jupiter)
I got thinking about this, because I have a client who is dating a woman who is driving me crazy. I know it’s none of my business. But he’s bothered too. He asked me what I thought the problem was.
The gal goes out on a date and spends the whole time talking about how uncomfortable she is with her attraction to the man. She tells him repeatedly,she wishes she did not like him so much.
I guess you can say that once or twice, but when it’s all you’ve got to say, all the time, you’ve got to expect the person to lose interest.
Most people want to move along. They go on a date so they can get somewhere, not sink in the mud until they’re gasping for air.
What’s your dating style? Can you tie in the astrology? What kind of behavior on a date drives you nutty?
I think there have been a few times I’ve done what that lady is doing.
I think, for me, it was a backasswards way of saying that I really liked the fellow. I had to say that I didn’t like how much I liked him…in order to save face or something…?
I’ve also done that with guys who I think aren’t as into me as I am into them…it’s sort of a way of telling them I know they don’t like me as much as I like them…but that doesn’t matter ’cause I’m aware of it and wish I didn’t like them either.
Saturn/Venus ??? ha-ha
Writing it out makes it sounds totally nuts…ha-ha…
Neptune is currently sitting on top of my natal Venus, and I just had my first date in 3 years. This is timely for me!
Since my Venus is in Pisces, yeah, I probably do the hologram thing.
I do wait to be interviewed because I want to protect myself (Saturn in Cancer) and also because I don’t want to come off as too chatty/invasive. Things should be light and airy in the beginning (Sun in Aqua) ‘cuz they’re gonna get intense later anyway (Moon in Scorp). Everyone has some degree of a facade or a mask…I certainly hope that mine is not too contrived. I try to be my authentic self, which gets easier as I get to know myself better.
I will only show up if I am happy and optimistic! Otherwise I avoid the guy or hem/haw so long that things never progress to an actual date. But if I set the date, I try to go in with my all and have a good time.
If someone continually said they do not like that they like me, I would be really turned off. Of course I would ask why, but unless their answer was really good, I would move on. Really…don’t let me waste your time. 😉
I see this person in particular, constantly stopping the flow of things.
Let’s do this or not do that. Let’s slow down, let’s stand on our heads.
After awhile, it occurs a person is uncomfortable just living.
Personally, I could never stand this. Stop, start, stop, start, brood, emote and stop then start.
I would be ready to puke. I’m pretty sure I would spend my life alone forever, if all people were like this.
It’s like saying, “let’s go!!”
So you show up to go and they say, “Well, wait a minute…”
That would drive me squirrels, too.
“When you meet someone for the first time, do you, yourself show up? Or do you send hologram in there to check things out? (Neptune)
Do you show up defensive? Do you interview the person, or wait for them to interview you? (Saturn)
Do you show up happy, and optimistic? (Jupiter)”
I think I’ve done all of these so far. Depends on the person and situation. But what I’ve never done is telling someone I wish I wouldn’t like him. It sounds odd. Like: “Hey honey, you are a bastard but you are so sexy and I’m such a feather blown by the wind!”
Or the lady tries to flirt and is very bad at it.
I can’t bear being interviewed and I don’t think I do that. Did use to show up as a hologram though. I find it hard to stay present. And yes, I think that description: “After awhile, it occurs a person is uncomfortable just living,” was exactly it.
It would be great to meet someone but I’m immensely uncomfortable with what feels to me like the unnaturalness of dating. It used to literally terrify me. I’m better at being myself now but I suspect that means I come across as very intense and serious, yet somehow hard to pin down or see. And not in a mesmerising or intriguing way; it seems. Just in a confusing way.
Moon in 8h in Libra inconjunct Saturn/Chiron/Ceres in 1h Pisces. 12h Venus in Aqua. Pluto/Ur in h7. Neptune on the MC in Scorp.
What drives me nutty is when a man spends his time with me talking about other women. Especially in physical terms. And I don’t exactly know why but this happens over and over. I don’t really want to know what my date thinks about other women’s breasts, for instance, or whether he wants to have sex with the woman who just walked past us in the street. This does not make me want to see him again. It baffles me why a man would think this would be a successful tactic on a date with a woman. Meanness is another one. Being judgemental or prevaricating over paying for food to see whether I’ll offer to pay some of it. Mars in Cap says: not classy.
I also have experienced dates where the guy goes on about some other girl. Like you, I was baffled. Why on earth…perhaps they saw it as flirting, trying to make me feel competitive? I found it really insulting and hurtful. I know I shouldn’t take it personally, but that doesn’t stop the feeling. You’re right that dating is unnatural. For others it may just feel like a game, but I can’t help noticing the brutality of it all.
I always let the man take the lead in a dating experience. I let him decide the tone of the date. I guess it’s my way of protecting myself/my privacy. But I think they like it. I usually get a second date. In general I’ve found that men like to feel like they’re getting somewhere with you but don’t want everything at once. Of course this has bitten me in the ass a few times. They like the initial mystery but don’t like the vetting process I put them through later. Im improving though and feeling less threatened these days. I’m dating someone now who Im not scared of. I don’t feel the need to put up roadblocks for him. It’s very freeing.
it sounds to me that you are usually sucessful in your connections with those you are drawn to. How nice. You sound more flexible than most people. Im thinking its a trait that some people you become intetested in take for granted. temi
Just read this a few years too late. Yes i think they did take it for granted. Kind of a theme for me.
The sad thing is, i dont have the slightest clue about who i was talking about here.
I think she sounds much more interested in herself than her date. It might just be some defensive technique she has developed after a lot of bad experiences but to me it would come across as totally self-absorbed. And passive-aggressive: “Prove to me that you understand everything that is going on in my head and are so head-over-heels in love with me that you’ll tie in yourself in knots to reassure me!” I’d run away, but I’m not your client. Presumably he finds something worth his while here if he keeps coming back 🙂
Wow, I haven’t dated in so long. I had to think back to 1990/1991 and try to remember.
I was always cautious and when I go back in time and try to remember what went on it takes me back to my ex husband. I didn’t want to date him or anyone really. I was tired of it all. I was not going to date just anyone. I was not lonely because I had two children to raise alone. I was a busy young mother and the last thing I needed was some jack leg giving me the business. I had already heard and seen it all so someone talking smack ….well I would have walked out on the date and left him sitting there.
A guy I worked with was anxious I meet a friend of his. He swore he was a great guy. I told him repeatedly I was not looking to be set up but he carried on and on. After 2 months of this I finally went out in a group….yes a group…and met the guy at a Mexican restaurant/bar with at least 10 other people.
I didn’t think much of him but I also knew my mood. He tried to talk to me and I was cool thinking back….nice, polite, but cool. When I got home there was a message on my answering machine (remember those) that said “I was pleasantly surprised and would love to take you to dinner next weekend’ …..really ?????? pleasantly surprised? What?? Did I pass a test? Screw that….because I wasn’t pleasantly surprised nor even remotely attracted. Who did this guy think he was. Some catch?
I didn’t respond. He called 4 times that next week and when I didn’t respond or call him back he called his friend at our job and the friend transferred him to my phone line…..blind. I was livid….but I was gracious and polite. He hammered on and on ….lets go to dinner. I said only with another couple. And, made my best friend go with he and I and the guy who was trying to set us all up.
We went to dinner. It was fun. But I always have fun with my best friend no matter what we do so I didn’t have anything to judge it by. I was with her too….so ……
The third time I saw him I agreed to go to a hockey game but only if another couple went with us (and I hate hockey) but went as a foursome again….and had fun because …..I was with other people too. Hey, I was a single mother. I could not risk getting hung up with a serial murderer or a jackass.
Finally the 4th time I went out with him he came on kind of uppity. See this Sag with the Scorpio moon thought his &^%$ didn’t stink and I was about to let him know he met the wrong gal to act stupid with. He was looking around the room at other women. A real pig….different than when we were with other people. In conversation I told him he was the oldest man I had ever been out with…..(first zinger) oopps… after an hour I got up and left. Of course I drove myself there.
The funniest part of this story is I ended up marrying this idiot. I couldn’t stand him on dates 1-4 and that should have been a giant red flag with big orange cones around it!!!!!!
I brought the real me to those dates. The real me was not in the mood for any bullshit from some dude that thought he was a god….with a belly and a receding hairline. Paleeezzzzeeee!
And, this idiot just kept coming back for more. I know why now. I was a challenge. I wasn’t trying to be. But I was. He was going to win. So he changed …..a complete 180….. and sent flowers, and gifts, and was nice and attentive, sweet, kind, warm and loving. Yeah, I fell for it. I married him and within 8 months he was the jack leg I met on dates 1-4!
Moral of this story. Do not discount the vibe you get from day one. If you have to force it…..It isn’t going to work out in the end. It should be natural and flow. You should enjoy conversation and have some common ground.
G*d! I don’t think I have actually ever gone on a date! Elsa you hit hard 🙂 but it’s appreciated! I like reading this blog-can’t pretend to understand more than a teensy smidge…but it helps. trying, trying, trying
Thank you, Ruth. 🙂
When I dated, I was a people pleaser. This meant a man could be thinking things were going great…in reality, I was miserable, but being polite.
I can’t tell you how many times I finished a date thinking, “never again”.
Meanwhile, the man would be thinking, “I bet my mom would like her.”
It’s not really that nice.
I wrote about this once – The Venus Neptune Landshark, lol.
But I just don’t think it’s cool to spoil dinner, yanno? And if a man pushed me when I was feeling like that I blew a gasket of course. Start yelling swearing and whatever else it might take to get rid of the bastard.
There was also one time I was totally passive aggressive.
A man mentioned “fat chicks” on our date…I’d just lost 40 pounds. The gal he was talking about was thinner than I was just 2 months prior.
I excused myself to the restroom, and asked someone I knew (it was a bar in my hometown) who was there if they could give me a ride him.
he said, yes and we went out the side door.
Ha! Ha! Ha! What a beautiful tactic. Just what I would do in the same circumstances. Uranus?
The first time I meet someone is always a hologram (Pisces MC, Neptune quincunx Asc). Intentionally. I have my happy-chipmunk in place (Jupiter rising) and that’s that — ’cause you’re a stranger and strangers don’t get any piece of the real me. Plus, I can get a better read on people with the wide-eyed act. They don’t expect me to have a brain yet. *smirks*
Of course, if we’re out on a date they’ve already passed the hologram portion of the evening’s entertainment and I try to let the real me show. Otherwise, there’s no point in being on a date in the first place.
It’s tough, really. The “real” me is full of jagged bits and harsh edges and I’ve learned through many, many, many experiences that it’s not appreciated. In fact, it’s more often reviled. So I let the “fake” me out to play with others because she gets a better reaction, even though it’s crazy-making. I mean, they’re both equally real sides of me — I can be both chipper and snarly, often within minutes of each other. I like bunnies and bondage; I don’t live in an “or” world! We’re all much too complex for that. *smiles* I’m just suppressing my less-sparkly bits to even vaguely fit in with the rest of the world and it breaks my head. And heart.
I don’t like dating anyone, unless i have some idea of there astrological chemistry…
and by that, I mean I don’t have to know there exact birth time or even day/month in the early stages of courtship. Just knowing there age (even approximately) can give me a bit of framework to “know the unknown” of there subconscious drives and motivations.. bit of a generational thing I know.. this is broad and general at first.. but you’ve got to start somewhere.
Yes, I’m that insecure! lol… seriously, probably the lack of Fire element in my natal chart (Only have Mars in fire sign) that encourages the urge to “fallback” on what I have sensed for a long time, (9th house Pluto stellium) though I can draw on my south node in Sagittarius (and its ruler in my 5th house) as it sextiles my Sun conjunct mercury.
Most of the dates I’ve been on have been through online dating whereby the site provides the option for members to nominate there Sun sign and of course there age. If they are genuine and honest!
I’m not the pretentious type, I am what I am, just a “natural” kind of guy that could’nt give a toss about being something fraudulent to somebody I’ve never met before in real life face to face, especially in a potential LTR because I’m not into casual flings.. I put that down to my natal Sun quintile Ascendant (72 degrees)
I do feel my Pisces moon (conjunct IC ) also lets me in on “gut feelings” but I’ve got to be careful interpreting that vibe as my Mars squares its ruler – Neptune in the natal chart.
The whole thing for all of us is it can get quite complicated when you factor in current transits on not only your natal chart but your potential dates.
I’m Scorpio with Leo moon. I am very direct and straight-forward with what I want. On my first date with my husband (Taurus), I told him upfront, “I want to get married so if you want something casual, don’t waste my time.” He was quiet for a few solid minutes, but didn’t scare. It’s funny because he did the typical Taurus first date — took me to Starbucks because he said it was “quiet” and we could “talk and get to know one another”…he really just got out of paying for dinner before he’d decided whether I was worth the financial investment. So funny, I was amused. My boyfriend before him was a Scorpio; he took me shopping and bought me whatever I wanted on our first date. The relationship lasted almost four years, but we were ultimately too similar. I needed someone who would fight with me; his tendency to cave and give me whatever I wanted made me lose respect for him…which makes me sound insane, but I’d rather have a man stand up to me if he disagrees than roll over and placate me.
i enjoyed reading this. Opposites attract indeed.
Sounds like that gal wants to be talked into a relationship with him “against her better judgement”. If he succeeds, she’s absolved (justified) if things don’t go right. It won’t be “her fault”. I’d be wary- I’d be thinking it’s the tip of an iceberg. Once this initial hurdle is surmounted, another same kind issue’ll pop up & off he’ll have to go on the same merry-go-round. Exhausting! =/
I always come accross as “together” & sunny. I’m the field of daisies growing over the open well.
If I had to go on a date today, unless I had a birth date and time and could call Elsa with the information. I wouldn’t go
🙂 need a thumbs up or a like button on the blog. Am really enjoying
On a date with a complete stranger, ill prolly expect to be interviewed. Saturn/Pluto opp. Venus. I’d also be really guarded and not show them any type of emotions. I would also have a vulnerable or cutesy naive type facade. I’d be mysterious and soft. (Neptune Trine Venus.)
The type of behavior that would drive me nutty would be.. hmmm I don’t know… Maybe arrogance-too much talking about oneself in a off putting way… Maybe insecurity (that lady is insecure I think- I think she wants validation he likes her as much because she feels- maybe subconsciously she’s not good enough to be loved as much). Also being bored… The person would need to be interesting. Too much stucture and not enough spontaneity and fun…
Sun conjunct ascendant. I definitely show how I am at the first meeting. 🙂
If I did it again I would not be as forthright and put it all out there. I would sustain the mystery. I have libra in the 11th. They would have been fun friends if I hadn’t gotten all serious. I’d say if I did it again, I’d slow it way waaaaaay down. I suppose I could call see it as tempering my sun conj jupiter. But they were always so delicious I couldn’t contain myself. Moon sextile jupiter so I can be insatiable. I have to respect their limits and mine too to avoid crashing into them.
And why the heck does that guy make her nervous. I’d trust myself and get the hell out while I still could.
well…I don’t actually date(men just don’t ask me out) but the few times I’ve been out with a man I was a total people pleaser(libra rising, south node and jup).
I generally upset men,their reactions are helping me to understand myself better.
I have strong dating issues because of non-dating..as me could read it all over me.
in the most important relationship I had so far, the man (total 8th,natally and in synastry) x-ray-read me this way so I had no way out since minute one.
my basic pattern from childhood is rejection and invasion at the same time(no boundaries), so it’s very hard for me to “be my real self”,plus, being very neptunian and watery, I’ve had ad hard time over decades to understand it was my hologram and not me,interacting outside.
I get so easily swept away by sensations, in the presence of someone, that I trained my energy to keep me safe.now that I’m finding other ways to feel safe, I’m resetting this defense.
what I’m seeing now is that I probably send out very strong vibes, literally assault the other in order to protect myself.I have a heavy mercury(pisces and challenged by all other planets) and have often been told that men are scared off by my mind.I don’t believe it.what passes through is my deep fear or rejection(moon qs.saturn and venus, sun-chiron), insecurity(venus rx conj saturn) but also a powerful sex drive which confuses them(strong pluto,quincunx venus among else).the final hologram is beautiful(so I’m told I am),sexy, weird, edgy,nervous, stiff in defense,prone to acting out(both verbally and physically).
I never experienced confidence in being a female,or acting as a “prey” and let the man lead, I’m working on it now.my non-dating history had me enter adult life with a heavy luggage I’m leaving behind.
3 years ago I went out with a man I thought I like 3 times,then he disappeared.when I happened to have an affair with someone it never was about proper dating.
the mere idea of staying there to be interviewed makes me anxious.
of course birth data of the man in case are mandatory!!
…as to the on-off woman…I agree that she’s draining.I can relate a lot to her defense.
interrupting the flow can be a survival strategy(to me it has been).
it would be interesting for the man to start a conversation from here( ex”you repeatedly tell me you like me and it scares you.why do you tell me?or is there any particular feedback you expect from me?”…sorry, my standard conversation tends to be a therapy session).reasons why she express uneasiness over liking him can be different.I did it myself, and was acting out my fear of unreciprocated attraction.I could sense the man was sexually driven to me but nothing more, so I childishly hoped that this undirect begging could bring some results(I know it’s absurd but that’s how I used to work).or she could just be posing in a narcissistic way, driving attention to herself without allowing him to get to know her.or she could sense something scaring about him but be unable to spot what it is.
in either case, if she’s unaware of her issue with such messages I can’t see any development…If I was him, I would try to shake her a bit(gently)
thank you for your story, I’m with you on this one. well what kind of person is she? shy, afraid of her own feelings? over-thinking/intellectualizing everything? too scared to say what she really wants/likes/feels, because it’s been used against her/snatched from her hands? these would be my own reasons for behaving this way on a rendezvous. if you don’t have a lot of dating experiences or just bad ones, you don’t just get in the saddle and ride along. I myself would be annoyed that I have to get on that effin horse again and risk the next fall 😉
I let them do the talking, and in doing so, I am indirectly interviewing them. What they choose to disclose says so much about them. Often, they will leave that first date with very little information about me but will think that it was a great conversation because they did all the talking. Mars in Scorpio here. 🙂 Of course, I went on a temporary break from men for a while, and here it is, two and a half years later. I was just busy with my stuff… and have not met anyone I’ve found interesting in the meantime. I should probably get out again and meet people. It will be interesting to see how I interact on dates since I’ve had ample time off since the last one.
Great thread! I’m enjoying all of these posts.
As for your client’s date, she sounds emotionally stunted. I would expect that kind of thing from an inexperienced, crush 16-year-old, and she sounds a bit older than that. What on earth does he keep coming back for?
“Crushy,” I meant to say.
I never dated anyone in my long life, my partners were either a friend or someone from my work environment, so we already knew each other well and there was no need (or chance) to send a hologram, fortunately!
Hi, this is my first time to reply! I believe the woman really likes him and she’s testing him by saying, I wish I didn’t like you so much. Kinda immature though. I know for me I do not like to be interviewed, or it sounds like they have a written list they are going down, such as what is your favorite color, food, etc. I like for it to be more natural and I believe if you continue to talk you will learn those things as you go along. I’m a Sagittarius Sun, so I always felt I showed up out-going and optimistic. But I have been thinking about this a lot lately. My Natal Mercury is in Capricorn. I have been in this off & on relationship with this man who has his Natal Mercury in Cancer and we have issues around communication. So I’m believing, especially with this man my Mercury in Capricorn is coming through very strong. I have this grounded presence and I believe he gets lost in my expression with his Mercury in Cancer, being sensitive to my energy. Even with others I believe my tone does not really reflect what I’m actually feeling inside. I have a Scorpio Ascendant, too so I go very deep. I love Astrology and how it gives us the knowledge to learn about ourselves and others!
I’m luminous. Venus in Leo.
Also, I take care of my hair hours before the date.
I usually act like my Libra rising, and this is natural and unconscious, not calculating.
Love the generosity from writers helps me in my self analysis;
Don’t have dating experience married young, newly divorced
Into 5 th year a year and a half ago when divorce finalized;
Had dating fiasco with wacko
Can only now think he had long life of drugs? Told me things made my head twist all along had impromptu
Advise, coworkers sisters etc.
Not so much about him as I didn’t
Tell anyone, spoke about my nervousness. I told dude cigarettes
Booze and or drugs deal breaker. When sharing with a women at work she said you don’t want to miss the company of a man just because of an evening cocktail and I thought
My past has left me predjudise
But now, if the shoe doesn’t fit
Don’t just put it back on the rack, for me, leave the store, why did you want those shoes, I typically am barefoot weather permitting, of course after work.
Dating ? Still shoeless and I know it’s me ,I am a good listener and fast jumper and strong swimmer, if I repeatedly were told “ I wish I wasn’t so attracted to you and there was chemistry on my side I may suggest
To check each other for ticks, nasty little bugs nothing like a fresh set of eyes.I guess dating could get better with experience provided you keep your filter working.
Well it’s been a very very long time since I have dated haha. I would be proper to the point of being nerdy or a square. But I would talk a lot – bubbly, funny, talking about my interests at the time and asking about them, their interests, favorite bands, etc. I usually wanted to gauge where this thing was going because I didn’t want to waste time on a flop. LOL On a couple of occasions I have cut the date short and said I had to go do something because it was so absolutely evident that the chemistry so, so off. I could read it in him, too. Especially when he showed me pictures of his ex girlfriend and she was the polar opposite of me. Yeah, this isn’t ever going to work, dude. I think I even encouraged him to try it again with her (I mean, why not?).
I think its a good rule of thumb to save pictures of the ex for the second date lol:)