I’m reading a book about one my favorite topics, criminality. Stanton E. Samenow, author of “Inside the Criminal Mind”, writes:
“Criminals claim they were rejected by parents, neighbors, schools and employers, but rarely does a criminal say why he was rejected…”
This is true for more than just criminals, isn’t it?
Samenow goes on about how a criminal might be sneaky and defiant, even as a young child. They may lie and steal and go out of their way to make life unbearable for the people around them. The criminal rejects the parents (and the kids in the neighborhood who act responsibly, etc.), long before he or she is shut out.
Not surprisingly, this book was written in 1984. People don’t often think like this today, preferring to feel compassion and make excuses for the perpetrator over the victim in many cases.
Saturn was in Scorpio when this book was published.
Here’s a question for you:
Think of the last time you were rejected.
Why were you rejected?
Because I was/am still mentally ill, but the person didn’t know I was/am.
BUT, if I wanted them to know I should have talked to them like an adult.
So I guess the latter is where my responsibility should’ve set in.
I was rejected so to speak at work the other night. I was in quite a bad mood due to some things that had happened at work and wanted to take a 30 minute break but was told that I should go home when I went to punch out. I lost out on some overtime but more importantly I just try so hard to get along with this one staff member and just cannot seem to no matter what I do it isn’t good enough and then when I react or feel feelings I get rejected. Of course it doesn’t help that he is an Arian and I a Libran and we are polar opposites.
Because deep down I didn’t want to be there anyway, and my confusing, confused behavior showed it.
The most recent reasons that I have been rejected are that my standards are too high. So, ultimately, the rejection was mutual. Although, I am open for continuing those relationships, it would need to be on more superficial terms, for my own safety.
In one case, it is my mom. I wanted her to keep her will to live. She insisted that I must “accept her for who she is.” Which didn’t make sense to me because that’s exactly what I was doing: I love HER no matter what, I was not willing to accept her CHOICE to actively participate in self destructive behavior.
Our relationship suffered when I refused to accept her choice to let fear be her guide. It got to a point where I couldn’t manage the influence it had on my own psyche.
The conversation was eerily similar to the breakdown of my last relationship. (They are both Taurus with a lot of Venus.) I had told him that I loved him no matter what. I still do love him. His choosing to chew tobacco, though, was going to cause a whole lot of hassle for us. It had already started to cause me trouble: it had allowed the HPV virus to linger in his system, I contracted it from him. Even now, almost 2 years after our break up, I am still having to get biopsies done to make sure the cells on my cervix have not become cancerous.
I had to draw the line. My mom and my ex had crossed natural boundaries in ways that were not safe. And by loving them and having them actively in my life, I was starting to get the fallout from poor choices.
I was clear with my words as things were falling apart. I told each of them what I saw happening and what I would prefer to see. I love myself. I love each of them. Please stop hurting us. I can’t keep watching you do this anymore. I already forgive you for these choices. I am here for you if you want me in your life again. But, until you can find this love for yourself, I need more space in our relationship.
In my mom’s case, she chose the superficial relationship. We do not have in depth conversations without my dad present anymore. We can’t. It only turns into fights without his monitoring.
With my ex, he decided to move on with another woman. In my last email to him, I told him that I don’t hold anything against him. I know he had never intended to hurt me. I just asked him to please be careful with his new love. The strain that he carries is carcinogenic.
I know it is hard for them. To be with me would mean to walk in step with me on a path of self love and self respect. I realize it does not come naturally to everyone. But, it is required that each of us find it in ourselves. Or else we hurt our support system.
I am grateful for my experiences with them in my life because it taught me what it means to have Leo ascending, a Scorpio stellium and a Capricorn moon. I can carry HUGE burdens. I see now, also, that I can use those burdens to find root cause. But, I have to put them down/ surrender to process so that I don’t hurt myself. As I age, I am getting smarter about exactly what that looks like. My abilities can do more good for the collective, especially when I am supported. It is not right to squirrel me away for the use of one or two grown up brats.
Sibling wise, there was a gap of 6 years before I arrived and then my younger sibling. The club was already formed so we were outsiders to that club and parents. The two of us were members of our own club and parents. It wasn’t really like rejection, it was more like non existence and something to bully when they needed to.
Overall in life I could feel rejected I think. 15 years after the breakup, we spoke, and he told me ‘it is hard to be an individual.’ Surprised I blurted ‘you think I am an individual’ and he said equally surprised ‘ye-es’. Having to take a stand and maintain my ethics does not always make me popular with the in crowd. If I am not there to get them ‘ahead’ or secure their ‘power position’ in some way, I really am of no use to most people.
I was discussing the sticky situations that have been going on with some of the people in my life and they reminded of the importance of taking right action and therefore having no regrets. That’s worth alot to me. But no I am not popular, but have often been called fair. That means something too.
I generally get rejected for being “too weird.”
I always welcome feedback relationship-wise or professionally-wise. My virgo needs to understand and work to improve even through my leo may hurt. It seems that I mostly get it with respect to the reasons that are rooted in my behaviours or shortcomings. Yet rarely may one open up to expose the reasons for rejecting another that are rooted in their own issues. It takes two to tango after all (not talking about extreme situations like anti-social behaviors here..). My virgo in the 1st again gives me a hard time to accept that sometimes not everything has to do with me.. As I write this, egocentric guilt-tripping pops up in my mind as a shadow that saturn in scorpio calls me to tackle.. 🙂
Hi, I totally understand. I’m a Leo/Virgo
I also get rejected for being “different”. And have been all my life, starting with my siblings, one younger, one older. There was nothing I needed to do for this to happen; I was simply excluded, and still am. Was called names, humiliated, made fun of just for being me … lol, Elsa, funny idea to think that everyone who is rejected is automatically an outlaw who committed, or is about to commit, a crime 🙂
I’m still trying to figure out what I did wrong. Blaming the other person doesn’t help clarify my role in it. I keep coming back to the idea it’s my lack of understanding about how this one particular person ticks, how maybe I just didn’t fit or somehow I fail in general to read people right. It’s over but I’d kinda like to know what I did wrong. Does Taurus just turn around and ignore people, seemingly for no reason? If so, what’s the message? Maybe I tried too hard. Maybe I pushed to make friends without already having enough in common such as an organization or common interest. I *thought* we had things in common (cars and engines, nut and bolt stuff) but maybe that was my wishful thinking at work. Maybe I misread their interest and they had to push me away. Maybe they’ve got their own life and don’t need me around complicating things. Maybe the whole world doesn’t revolve around me. I dunno. I’m still fuzzy on this one because it was so stark – friendly and talky one day, total stranger the next. What did I do? Yes, I cop to being weird and different, too.
Because I came across as a dipshit. At the time, I was too ignorant about the topic.
Something to consider is that others project onto us – it’s not a one-way street – so it’s probably often the case that we are rejected for reasons that have nothing to do with us.
What a great question!
People think I’m too stoic. I have a Cap ascendant so most of the time people think I’m stuck-up and disinterested.
They don’t warm up to me that well I guess.
I used to feel more rejected but I guess now I understand that first (second, third) impressions aren’t everything. It just takes a while for people to get to the real me.
@Luna—you are SO right! Nice observation.
Because I’m bisexual, you have to like one or the other apparently. My Aqua bohemian mars does not agree and neither does all my Scorpio either. There are too many beautiful and wonderful people from all colours of the gender/sexual rainbow to not date, get attached and fall in love with (in some cases) so why pick, stick and not twist?
I seem to do the rejecting. I’m not rejected. eeek.
i think its because of me externalising my insecurities…people could always tell if i was trying to get them to like me based on how i acted or what i said or did…not based on me being my authentic self.
@Luna – right on. While it is important to see our own faults and shortcomings, it is just as important to know that we are mirrors for others.
I was rejected because I came from the wrong side of the tracks – I was lower class than the guy I was dating and therefore not good enough for him.
I now know he had a lot of pressure on him to succeed and felt he was falling short – that HE was not good enough – and he projected that on to me.
I also probably projected onto him that he was somehow better than me, unintentionally. My confidence was not very high at that time.
I often feel rejected by my husband, when he chooses other activities than what I have planned, chooses to sleep on the couch, whatever. When I bring that up to him, that is not his feeling at all. I get angry and bolt out the door or threaten to divorce him. I have a HUGE fear of abandonment, his (fairly innocuous) actions are the trigger for it.
A wonderful counsellor said to me “you are so afraid of being abandoned that you always threaten to leave, so you can avoid being left! But HE is not going anywhere, has not gone anywhere for the last ten years… so you need to own this projection”.
I love talking about self-deception and how it affects relationships (Neptune 7th house and Scorpio moon 8th house)!
*n.b. – moon and neptune both in Scorp 7th house!
Well, I think the short of it was I was 20 lbs overweight (this time anyway). Online dating is a bitch!
I was rejected by a group of friends once, because I was snotty, judgmental, critical, crazy (not chemically) and out of line.
First, my bio father was a criminal and he was not rejected by his family/friends as I was able to know them well and they loved him greatly. If anything he was probably the favorite and spoiled beyond repair. Its possible no one ever told him *no* when they should have kicked his A$$ out into orbit. He was selfish and self centered and gave nothing back to the people who loved him deeply and kept giving, holding him up when he got into trouble and believing in him when he absolutely never changed or cared to. He is 81. And, is still the same selfish repulsive person.
I have been rejected. I think we all have. I think I saw it more as hurt than rejection though. As an insult to the love I was trying to give. So, I never have walked around feeling like I have been deeply rejected as much as I have felt like there may be a problem with me giving too much too deeply to people who didn’t deserve it in the first place. Maybe I should have seen it as rejection instead. I am kind of glad I didn’t because I have been able to keep loving people. If I had taken it on as rejection I probably wouldn’t have given from such a deep place in my heart.
Maybe there is no difference. I don’t know. I see rejection as …. you try for a job, there are 100 other applicants and you don’t get the job. They were looking for something else that you didn’t present or have…but you have something that someone else needs so it never bothered me too much. Like a man who loves tall blonde women is never going to be attracted to my type which is the exact opposite so he would reject my advances should I make them.
The key here is I don’t put myself into too many situations where I can be rejected. I swim in a small circle personally so I have not had a lot of that in my life (although my own parents rejected me at birth) (ha! so maybe I am so used to it that I don’t notice???) What I am trying to say is Scorpio doesn’t let many people in without testing what kind of person they are dealing with for a very very very long time. Chances are I am going to reject way before a person gets that chance.
My Grandmother was very clear when she taught me about things like this. She always said one mans trash is another mans gold and to never take rejection so personally that it keeps me from moving forward. So, I may have been rejected more times than I actually noticed. I can really amputate easily and without conscience if I even notice a person would be the type to reject. So, maybe I am the rejecter…
I probably should have abandonment issues. Maybe I do. All I know is this. I have always been the one to wear the walking shoes and most times it wasn’t because I had fear I would be rejected. It was usually because I just couldn’t stand to be living another day the way I was.
I knew from a very young age that Scorpio is either loved and admired or completely repulsive to people. There is no in between with us. You either love or hate us. And find good reason for both. So…. rejection is typical in a Scorpio life…so typical we may not even notice it.
I was rejected because I liked to move all the time and ask endless questions! Roller skating, on my scooter, ice skating, running, skipping, dancing – had to be out out out, combined with ‘what’s God, why do people die, are vampires real, why don’t I have a daddy, why do you smoke, what a willy, why can’t I say Fuck, and on and on and on… no one liked me. Jupiter in 8th and a lot of Sag!
Yes! My son believes we rejected him. He rejected us YEARS before we decided the door was better left closed.
Because i “put pressure on people”. Im intense or i was intense. Its funny though because i dont chase anybody. They can come and go as they please. And mostly, they have nothing i want!
But as a result, ive just shied away from people because somehow I always end up as the bad guy. It really fuckd with my head for a long time because i really believed what people told me about myself. Now, i make sure someone is psychologically mature enough to handle my energy. Not that im psycholocally mature, but it takes a strong mind to be around me i guess.
Libra Noir, don’t waste who you are. It is not common. It does not happen often.
When people ascend spiritually, social connections start getting difficult. There are ways to manage this, but has to be concious and requires effort.
You are secure (among other things) and powerful. And that bugs people. I assume they make assumptions about you, considering your lLibran traits and are unpleasantly surprised when you are not like them.
I hope you do meet someone ‘better’ than you! Or my suggestion is that it is not worth it! You are way to amazing for bullshit!
May be find someone who is also into spirituality? It might work! 🙂
Love to you 🙂
(I forgot my pswd again!)
Wow thank you. Im so humbled by this. It brought a tear to my eye.
:), I meant every word of that.
Thank you. I dont know what i did to deserve your kindness but im grateful:)
It’s the way people project on Plutonian types… If you communicate clearly then you don’t have to worry if they still think you’re too intense fuck em
Thats a good tip. Thanks kri. I never know how to warn them lol:)
I mean.. sometimes you don’t have to warn them… Just be like when they distance.. ‘hey.. what’s going on’ then they tell you.. then you be like ‘i know I project intensity.. but really I’m not giving you strings.. you can come and go as you please… Some people are attracted or like my intensity then repelled by it.. but fact is I’m not tying you down. Just wanted to be clear’
Or be honest about what you want towards the ‘exclusivity conversation ‘ like ‘i mean I want us to just see each other and see how things work out.. let’s not put any pressure on each other and just ‘see each other’ for a while. If you feel like I project intensity, I’m not.. you’re free to come and go. I just want to see how we interact’
You want a guy who is self aware and is not gonna blame you or project his commitment phobia on you. Like… A mature guy who knows what he wants say 🙂
I sometimes project stuff on people and blame them and it’s often my issue and super ugly. I recently was with a sagittarius guy (Gemini moon and mars in cancer) who was younger than me and I wanted him in the beginning so I gave him all the space. We saw each other since August up to Feb when I left. In the beginning after every date he wouldn’t text for lots of days and one time said he’d leave for a week but ended up gone for a month (that happens when he visits his family.) I assumed many times he was gone for good and he kept coming back.. but I am mostly water and that put me off and distanced me.
He made remarks that he ‘only had a girlfriend when he was 18’ and that I was free to date other people and the online dating site was his top site. Then when I went on a trip and he sulked I talked about how he had no right to guilt me because he didn’t want exclusivity. In December he said we were ‘seeing each other’
Anyway.. I did date other people though turns out he didn’t … But I started to distance from him eventually and treated him sort of like a nuisance before breaking up with him. Idk I sort of left suddenly instead of breaking up this non relationship like an adult and blamed a lot on his desire to keep it casual. It was my fault I didn’t care enough. But I blamed a lot on him I guess … He did end up getting somewhat attached to me.. and I ended it weirdly and strung him along in the end
Thanks kri:) Thats sounds like a lot of mixed signals on his part.
Youve given me a lot to think about. Im remembering the specific “guy” who told me that. Lol. I was NOT attracted to him. He was mourning the loss of his brother and i had many long, late night talks with him about it. He was a mess, understandably. I was being a friend and a good one. I had no intention of possessing him. Lol. Like, i said, he had nothing i wanted. I was just being kind and he flattered himself.
Yeah… That guy sounds like he wanted you to want him and was projecting a pack of lies on you just cause you were listening closely. I’d have responded ‘i know you think that but we’re just friends.. you’re in a tough spot and I was just trying to listen to you. You got me wrong and hurt my feelings. Maybe you don’t deserve a friend like me.’
Idk.. my mom said I was cruel to him. I sent mixed signals at the end. He would leave for LA at some point and leave me holding the bag. I got a visa and he was there for the process but I didn’t want to tell him until it was finalized how long I was going.. then it was finalized not long after I was planning to leave. We had a long conversation the night I got the visa. He was like um I guess bye? He wanted to crash in my apt after i left it before the inspection he said he’d clean it. I was mad he’s such a mooch and didn’t trust him for it. I also repressed annoyance at him coming around at 3 am even if my place was out of the way and he wanted to see me not just to crash. Anyway he was so sad about me leaving I said want to meet up when I come back to the US and potentially be plus one at a wedding.. I didn’t think it through. I didn’t tell my best friend I invited him either. It would be our ‘last hurrah’ before I would disappear for as long as I can. I spent the month away traveling and lost my phone and in that time reconsidered. Then I got my phone and ignored his questions about whether he should book a ticket and kept him on ice for a month partly cause I wasn’t sure how to phrase it or end it and partly cause I was busy with my own various issues (this place was near my Saturn line and I came back with scrapes and bruises and false pregnancies and stories of puking and falling off bikes.) I kept him on ice for a month checking his phone. Then when he finally bitched about it and said I was dicking him over (for which I apologized) I said I didn’t see any point for a last hurrah cause he didn’t want commitment and it wouldn’t go anywhere anyway. He said that was sad but still didn’t offer commitment.. claiming we hadn’t really talked about it. Idk..he’s 25 and going in a different direction.
I left. I had to go. I was too puss to break up with him but I don’t perceive that there was a relationship to end. It’s not that I didn’t like him.. it’s just it wasn’t real or going anywhere. And I didn’t want to sacrifice my desire to do a certain thing for this guy who is young and for a very long time didn’t do anything much with me.
My mom really shocked me that she would have sacrificed certain things to stay with him in my shoes perhaps.. prob cause I’m an unlovable 31 year old who has trouble with guys in her eyes 🙂
Idk what she expected from a loose relation like this. I would have been giving more than I expected to receive especially cause with Saturn/MC in sagittarius I’ve been waiting so long to get out of where I am. She still claims I’m responsible to her in some type of way when her psychological guilting kept me 1.5 hrs away from the nest for years. I don’t know. I should have been more honest with him but I needed his liking of me cause the place I lived was unbearably lonely at the time. I didn’t know how to stop. But I had to stop or he’d probably crash with me for free along with a friend and leave for the other side of the us and I’d be stuck here longer than I want to for some unemployed 25 year old who lives a state away. That would be pretty dumb and unfeminist. I just can’t believe my mom doesn’t have my back on this.
Thanks for listening, libranoir. Sorry I yammered. Was in a weird place.
I think people think they are being rejected when really it’s just that others are unwilling to meet in the middle. Sometimes this is reasonable. If you are a manipulative narcissist probably nobody will want to accept you on your own terms because your terms suck.
But I know adults with autism who’s families felt rejected by them because despite efforts and treatments that verged on abusive they just couldn’t learn and understand social cues well enough to ‘pass’, or to hide their neurology. And so caused embarrassment and inconvenience. I would generally tend to say that this failure was not really a rejection as much as an impossibility.
But on that level, everyone has expectations in a relationship and it is people who have power or something desirable to offer that have the luxury of requiring others to change to fit those expectations. If you don’t change and the other person stays, you have the power. If they leave because of it then they had the power and can say, you rejected them by not changing. If you assert that it was your right not to change, then you can say they rejected you. And people will agree depending on how they perceive your relative power. Asking your boss to change is a lot different from when you are the boss and asking your employee to change for example.
I guess the goal is to be in relationships of equal power, whether that means both of you put up with a lot or both of you anticipate what the other needs out of respect and tries to be that for one another.
So yeah when I was young and dumb and had little to offer I was rejected for being weird although I tried and failed to not be. When I was older and dating, I was rejected often by people who weren’t into my look or vibe. Now I have a good job doing something I’m good at and a partner who wants what I have to offer, I feel like it’s been ages since I’ve been rejected.
But I have very few friends. As I try to find social relationships I get nervous because I don’t know what people want from me, and whether I can provide it or will be expected to. I feel like it’s about finding my place in a pecking order. I want a certain sort of friend (who shares my values and maybe hobbies or lifestyle) and others want the same from me. Who gets to be the most picky is about who feels entitled to be, and who wants it most.
:.Sigh:. Some days I don’t want to deal with…..human beings.
I’m with you anonymoushermit
you get to the end of your rope. I get that some people had a hard childhood, but I’m not your dirt rag?
Very astute! I read this like 5 times. Made me think. Thank you! Hope you continue to post on the blog, and the forum.
Because of the way I look
Because my father was an abusive alcoholic who hated women because his mother didn’t want him. and because I transferred to another school between first and second grade after all the cliques were formed.
I completely understand this KaD.
I went to 8 schools. Its hard on a little kid
Because I’m an asshole.
Isnt being an asshole kind of a rejection of others too? Like laura pointed out.
If someone is an asshole to me i just kind of assume they dont want me around, and/or it’s intolerable for me. Its self preservation. Maybe thats what all rejection is about.
I LOVE this comment
Rejection is just that I would say. Love your flaws and accepting them may help to work on them if needed.
The million dollar question
The snowball to heavy to push
Best left knowing ; I’ll never know
The last BIG rejection… had nothing to do with me. The person had three issues that got BLATANTLY projected on me. They thought ejecting me from the picture would solve those three issues. It didn’t.
That being said, I must confess to having been, and still being, the one does the rejecting most of the time. A lot of rejecting.
Afterthought: is all my rejecting leading people to crime?!
Maybe emotional crime? If they arent evolved or self aware enough to process things. But we are all responsible karmically for our own actions.
Umm . . who wants to remember? They all start to roll into one. Mine started before I was even born – a mother who never wanted me at all & made sure I knew that; a brother who envied that I was actually smart at school & life in general without even trying too hard; a ex-husband who just did not like a women who was strong, capable, intelligent & a good mother to boot; out-laws & in-laws from all similar reasons as well as “friends” who no longer became friends.
Who needs reminding of it? Not me. Does that make a criminal? He he . . . only in my mind! I become a super criminal then! The best way to get even is in my dreams. It will never happen but that gives me peace.
I don’t think I ever know why I get rejected! They won’t tell me!
Same here Jennifer!
I have Jupiter in Libra in the 11th and supposedly I am not supposed to give two hoots if rejected. I am supposed to work with a group that is out of step with the rest anyway! I really don’t put on filters sometimes and don’t notice when people decide to reject me and I am none the wiser as like Jennifer said, they are not going to tell me. I just figure it’s there loss and move on. Though sometimes I am curious.
“their” loss not “there” loss.
OH and as far as the last time it was about six months ago…it was kind of mutual? They said something very in appropriate while assuming something about me. I felt that if that was their character, taking the chance to hurt my feelings, that they were in fact rejecting me. I rejected them back though as politely as possible due to their behavior. So win win I guess!
Men don’t tell me why they reject me. I assume it’s because I’m ugly for them or old looking. Some say I am too nervous or chaotic.
My family.. I whined about them during my Pluto transit and yes they limit me. But I am a health hazard… A yelling unreliable health hazard who speaks to only dump negativity (moon/mercury ) because I’m sad and need support. One who doesn’t feel the right feelings or behave the right way.
And they say why did I give you everything and now you heap shit on me.
It is true.
The patterns are there though… Did my mom create a weak spoiled angry hellion or was I one the whole time? I can’t see things from her point of view. And yes her perspective has limited my growth and independence. So much that I’m only making independent choices now. But the world is a challenging place. I hope I am up to the challenge. Time and me not going broke will tell.
People just don’t tell me why they reject me or if they do the criticism is cutting and apt and maybe I forget it out of self protection (one guy said I’m ‘self conscious but not self aware’) and my best friend… I broke her rules badly three times.. thankfully I made it up. But she said how could you not see it from my point of view.
I am often wrong about how people perceive me. Or why men aren’t into it. The truth is usually harder to take even than what I thought it was. And me just heaping shit or guessing why I’m rejectable will look like a pity party.
The fact is at a non superficial level I’m immature for my age and often take advantage of people… As a child I misbehaved and was told off the wrong way.. like ‘how could you do this’ and I’d sit there sulking and fantasizing about running away.. not really thinking about what I did. I easily go into sulky puppy mode when I’ve done wrong.. rather than being accountable. I just ran the water for an hour at my accomodation and it was a bfd. Because the water goes from hot to nonexistent to cold even when I followed directions and ran it without moving the tap. Me following more directions would involve letting her in while I am getting ready to shower. This woman prowls the perimeter all the time. Also I accidentally spilled sugar into my coffee when I was too lazy and sheepish to ask to get an extra spoon. Bet you that got some shit talking.
Plus my host barged in on me at night when I came in at 4 am. Cause my light was on. Is there a rule against that? Not ok. She barged in the night before to turn off the light while I was sleeping. There’s no lock on this door. I’m getting away from the topic multiple times. Saturn is transiting my mercury and Pluto will conjunct my Mars. People aren’t taking much of my shit and I’m responding with defensiveness. Fact is this lady crossed the line and so did I. Wonder if I’ll get in trouble cause I ate too many biscuits. I didn’t want the gross heel of the bread I was provided and asked if I could have biscuits and she said yeah.
Sorry… I am gabbling nothing and apparently off the charts lonely says the loneliness test. Hope it’s fine for a forum
Thanks for letting me yap… libranoir et al.. I got pretty lonely that day and chatty