Why Do People Fail To Make Friends Or Find Love?

man fishing on pierLilly started a discussion in the forum – Why do women tend to be so catty?  Great topic. There’s no denying, catty women exist. But there’s also no denying, there are great women out there, who love and support other women to their dying breath. I figure it’s about 50/50.

I feel bad for, Lilly, who is trying and failing to make friends. It’s important to continue to try if you want these kinds of connections.  It’s easy to become jaded.

You know you’re jaded when you say, “all women” do something or act some way. This is not true, but at that point you’ve made a rule. By nature, people like to prove themselves right.  If this is what you think, you’re likely to find nothing but support for your theory.

I might have some ideas that will help you leave one realm and enter another:

Catty women tend to run in schools, like fish.  Kind women tend to do the same.

This doesn’t mean that if you can’t make friends, it’s because you’re in a bad group. That may be it, but if women are catty everywhere you go, all your life, chances are high that the problem lies with you.

Most people fail at relationships because their expectations are ridiculous. They think they are supposed to meet people, who will then behave to their standard.  It’s insane. You don’t run the other person. You don’t run their mind, their mouth, their life, their family, their manners or any other thing you can think of.  If you’re like this, not only are you destined to be disappointed across the board – you’re a lousy friend yourself.

A person like this has a marked lack of interest in getting to know another person.  They could care less who the other person is, in reality. They just want to see if the person can pass a bunch of tests…which they never can!

No one is going to replace your bad mom, for example. If you don’t have authentic interest in getting to know another person, and to love and care for them, you can’t expect your relationships to last.

  • If you are truly hanging around lousy people, why are you doing this? It’s your responsibility to expand your circle. Pack up your pole and fish upstream.
  • If your problem is lifelong and chronic, stop what you’re doing and try to figure out what it is about you, that is so off-putting. (hint – it’s usually has to do with stubbornness and/or pride.)
  • Make sure you are actually interested in knowing another human being, rather than just filling the chair next to you, You, YOU.

Last, it takes time to build a strong relationship of any kind. Are you willing to invest three or four or five years getting to know someone?  How about ten, twenty or thirty?

If you’re not interested it this, it explains why your relationships are shallow and/or fleeting.

Do you struggle to make friends, or to partner? Do you see yourself in this?

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Why Do People Fail To Make Friends Or Find Love? — 38 Comments

  1. Yes, and yes, I have impossible, complicated standards, I have this thing that I need to get to know someone right away and make him or her pass a bunch of tests. Venus in Virgo.
    I know it’s a bad thing, but the point is that I don’t suffer because I have no friends. I tried to, and I suffered more whenever I made friends that weren’t on my same page as far as ideals and outlook on Life were concerned.

  2. I suspected what the problem was (me) for many years, but it took my son putting it into words for me to actually get it.

    It’s my introversion. I need to be alone. A lot. If people don’t know me well, they take it as rejection. If they’re Jersey Housewives, they think it’s weird.

    It also doesn’t help that I’m so used to seeing the dark side of women (Venus conjunct Pluto in Virgo) that I expect the worst to happen.

    My progressed Sun is about to leave Virgo, where he’s been since I was 15. I’ve been working on easing up the prickliness and give people a fair shot (Libra).

  3. This is exactly what happened saturday night when I went to wedding with my son . I guess I am usually judgy and look at peoples differences instead of what we may have in common and I really noticed when sitting with a group of his friends , who had been friedds for years, they were so diverse yet still friends and thought nothing of it . One young man was from pakistan and talked of his family arranging his marriage, while I was in shock, my son just laughed and said that’s gotta suck for you…… they each just laughed and went on on on discussing other t

  4. I attract people. I have Venus in Libra in the 2nd house. That doesn’t mean everyone becomes my best friend but people want to talk to me. And I value other people, I love to learn from them, know different aspects of human nature and can appreciate cultures other than my own. But woe to those who judge me or others. It’s intolerable to me. I find it so easy to say I’m not perfect – in fact I’ve slipped on a banana peel Elsa but I wasn’t the one who peeled the damn thing and threw it on the floor – I also don’t hesitate to say I’m wrong when I realize I am – I should have been watching where I was walking when stepped on the banana peel.

  5. I fail to make friends because I like to be alone but at the same time I take some things as personal rejection. Like I’ve just started nursing school and we’re all getting to know each other. And the people I said hello to on day one blank me on day two. Err rejection but it isn’t about me it’s about them and their habits.

    Failing to partner… Either I’m real bad at it cause I have issues or I’m too busy being judged by the other party to even bother try. The potential and I got into a huge fight over respecting each other. He felt disrespected by me and vice versa. My response after some defending was to apologise and his defence was he did no such thing and u shouldn’t take it personally because we was only talking about football (soccer). However it was the way the conversation went that annoyed me and made me feel disrespected more than anything. But hey pride and stubbornness is at work. Then I was judged to not want to be treated right because at the point of me wanting to do something I didn’t want to accept the gesture of taking tissues. I don’t know either I’m messed up with partnering or I’m choosing the wrong people to partner with.

  6. “Last, it takes time to build a strong relationship of any kind. Are you willing to invest three or four or five years getting to know someone? How about ten, twenty or thirty?”

    *eyes wide* Bingo, Elsa. Bing-fucking-Oh!!

    Man… that is exactly what I’m doing. Try to get deep, fast, because I have no faith / don’t trust that it will last due to past experiences. Or close off and intentionally keep it shallow for the same reason. Sometimes both.

    I could try to pretty this up or excuse it — this energy is prominent in my chart! — but, you know what? No. No excuses, no sniffling. I need to at least trust myself enough to realise that other people like my awesome (because I am awesome *winks*) and trust others enough to think they may actually stay the course.

    THANK YOU. You just gave me a giant fucking road map, E!! 😀

    • I wrote this because people tell me, frequently, they envy my relationships. I have the relationships I do, because I will give you more than 11 minutes to become part of my life, while I become part of yours.

      And I am truly interested in other people – in spending time with them, talking to them in depth and stuff.

      If you fire everyone once a month…there can only be one result. And a person like me can see that you fire everyone once a month, so obviously, I’m not going to invest.

      People do grow to love their friends over time. But many people, the moment they are the least bit challenged or uncomfortable, they clear their decks….

      I have been wiped off so many decks…and who cares?

      As my husband pointed out, the only people that matter are those who stick with you.

      I would add that it is *their* choice.

  7. Yes, this speaks to me. Two of my closest friends, both of whom I met in April 2006 when I visited San Francisco the first time, live in Northern California. I don’t talk to them often. We’re writers. I have two close friends in San Antonio, a woman I met through Craig’s List when I rented a room from her in late 2013 and my ex-husband. I like the idea of remaining friends with romantic interests but that never works out for me. By and large I’m a loner. I don’t have any friends on campus. I’m hoping to meet new people when I start my Zumba class and get more involved in Buddhism. I also want to start doing volunteer work. I am open…but I do have walls. Willing to dynamite those for the right people, people who don’t come across as shallow and stupid.

  8. I find on the whole men can be a lot worse than women when it comes to ‘catty’ remarks. Comes from knowing a lot of journalists, both male and female : 0
    And also it’s quality over quantity when it comes to making friends. I have been jealous in the past about not being one of the popular kids, but realised my forte was for both closer, special friends and wider audiences.

    Following on from your ‘Is your whole life a selfie?’ post, I recently unfriended someone who has 1,000 facebook friends, because she was never a real friend to me, and got under my radar before I realised she was a 20-something, career-climbing user. Just someone on the make at work. And it’s all part of the New Year clear out, feels good.
    Women have been catty to me all my life, due to their perception that I am a threat. That just makes me smile inside, ha! It’s their problem.

    One interesting thing is how really nice people can tend to hang out with complete nightmares, people who are like a projection of their nasty side.
    You go, why oh why is that great, interesting person hanging out with that ugly soul? A good friend of mine (a Sag) said hey, they get to be really mild and Venusian, ‘the good guy’ and their best / good friend is basically a bully and acts out their internalised aggression, like they can act vicariously. Passive-agressive type thing maybe.

  9. This totally speaks to me. I have Saturn and Chiron in Pisces in the 11th house. I have lots of social acquaintances, but very few friends. I’ve spent decades trying to figure out why my friendships don’t last. As I have passed various milestones in life or moved to other cities, my friends fall away for whatever reason and I have to start all over again. I’ve spent years in therapy ‘working on myself’. I’m old now and am done blaming and trying to fix myself. I really think it’s time to just accept that it’s my destiny/karma to be largely alone in this lifetime.

  10. Wise words, Elsa. I have Chiron in my 11th house. Because I am “differently abled” in this area myself ;-), I learned fairly early on that it’s unrealistic of me to expect people to achieve some crazy standard I may set that has nothing to do with them and everything to do with alleviating my own insecurity. I’ve learned to love people for who they really are.

  11. I went through some serious difficulties with my family as a child. As an adult, I felt wary about opening up to people. After a phase of few years where things were going alright – I was betrayed by a series of ‘friends’ I trusted. I was hurt pretty badly, so I’ve gone back into my shell. Sometimes it is just the fear of getting hurt again that makes sensitive people withdraw from others…

  12. I think for me the issue is fear, rather than lack of interest in others. In my early years I was bullied rather badly. At home, my parents, mother especially, couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just be ‘normal’ and get along. In high school I had an amazing group of friends. Absolutely amazing. We all had struggles, and we all were there for one another. Very close knit. But I had them largely because I was best friends with an extrovert who attracted them. From there, all I had to do was participate and BE a friend to maintain the friendships. Around the time my marriage was in crisis, I/we had a couple couples that we spent time with, and largely they all sided with my ex. I felt badly betrayed. And I felt that these people who were ‘friends’ expected that I change my feelings and perceptions about my husband, our relationship, and what I wanted out of life. By their perception he is wonderful. Would do anything for a person. Which is true. But there was a much darker side to that that they never saw and would never believe. So now, to try to make friends … it requires, to a point, to show my vulnerability. My weaker humanness. I have to let down the guard of professionalism (which I employ even when not at work or associating with work people). I can’t remember the last time I was liked for who I am; my exuberance, my silliness, my zest for word jokes/puns, my eccentricities. Even when I do find women who are not ‘catty’, and I do have some possibilities — quantity is not as important as quality, and perhaps what I learn through this unfolding — I’m having a very hard time stepping past that fear. It paralyzes me. I can’t think of a darn thing to say besides, ‘how are you?’ (a poor opener), or some comment on the weather. And even if I can think of something, it doesn’t mean the words will come out!

    But! Tomorrow a work friend, who has been making steady effort with me over the past couple of years, is coming with her boyfriend to have game night! I’m excited. This could be a good step, and regardless of where it leads, I’m having company! Yippee 🙂

  13. I’m not saying it’s an excuse to be whiny, stew 24/7, or blame your past and/or other people for bad relationships, but it takes awhile to get over the truth that some people are just…not very nice. Although it’s nice to walk away and build a better life for yourself, it’s sometimes nice to see a karmic anvil fall on someone’s face.

    I get transcending and letting go, but it’s nice to see some justice sometimes.

  14. I recently had a 1-2 month relationship with a woman like this.
    She complained to me on several occasions about how I don’t laugh at her jokes. I asked if this was a serious issue, and she said no but then continued to complain. I tried to end the subject by saying, “sometimes I laugh, sometimes I don’t, but would you prefer a dishonest person around?” We broke up a week later.

    She didn’t like that I was no longer perfect in her eyes anymore after about a couple of weeks of getting to know one another. Even though she put this unreal standard out there, she would proclaim she was a free-spirit and such.

  15. This post is great, Elsa!

    The most curious thing are happening to me a lot these days… Not many people find real love on apps like Tinder. I haven’t for sure. But … I have found friends! I’ve met so many nice people there (yes, men, but nice men), and one or maybe two of them have become my friends. It happened in 2004 also – I met one of my absolute best friends on a dating site. Yes, it’s a man. He is a sorta stand-in dad figure, a kick-your-ass-and-tell-you-the-truth friend.. and he has my back.

    It’s rare to find people you just really connect to and with. But this is the second time I’ve done it. Apparently it has something to do with the nodes, as mine are placed at 4 degrees Cancer/Cap (NN in Cancer). So – these days I’m meeting a lot of good men, nice men – none of them boyfriends, but a lot of them really good people and nice friend materials! Well, the nodes are in my 11th/5th house axis. Still looking forward to meet that nice guy some day 😛

  16. It takes time to get to know someone. I dont mind taking years to get comfortable with someone.

    I think there has to be some kind of basic understanding/compatibility though, right off the bat. Like some kind of chemistry. Im not going to try to fit a square peg into a round hole. If i can ease into a friendship with you, all the better.

    • Actually, I recently met someone who i can tell is not flighty (although i think he can drift off from time to time), and ive decided that hes worth the time to get to know and hes shown me the same. I do sometimes want it to move a bit faster but im kind of trusting him to set the pace.

  17. I have something going on, and I am sure it is me. The location I am in is part of the problem, I have had trouble here. (Uranian influence). Five times over the last 10 years I have had women tell me that my purpose in their life was for me to listen to them bitch and to dump their negativity on me. It is the wierdest thing – like they will say this to me – like I am supposed to sit there and take it. So – I know it is me. Wondering if this is Neptune, Pluto, Chiron Transiting the 8th (the timing would be correct). In all cases I have learned to back away than to just sit there and take it like I used to do. What happened to picking up their own cross and carrying it. I internalize stress and have had two 12 Lead EKGs over the last 15 years due to heart due to stress. The last incident was with an old college room mate who married a friend of mine from High School, who dumped on me and then told me that my purpose in here life was so she could be negative and bitch. I told here multiple times to stop in the course of the conversation – my heart was hurting, I was clutching it, on and on and on she went. I sent her an email later – explaining the heart thing, wishing her well, and basically stating I was taking a break. This was Thanksgiving. She came back into my life when Saturn entered Saggittarius after a 30 years absence and I put a wall up about the time Saturn entered Capricorn. So, not cattiness – but for some reason I attract this. Saturn is getting ready to go into my sixth house – to join Pluto there. I Have to put my health first.

    So- I have not dumped her – but I am backing away from these scenarios until I can figure out what is about me that signals to certain woment it is ok to dump all over me and not to offer any support in return. hm….it is me – ….maybe scheduling some time with you on this one.

  18. My mother worked days and my father worked evenings at Delco. During the day he would build houses and until I went to school I would go to the construction site with him and all the old Italian immigrants. All men. I have three brothers. I have a sister but she’s much older than I am. My mother really didn’t take care of me or even like me. My brother who is 12 years older did. I really didn’t fit in at high school. I was on the fringes of the cliques: brainiacs because I was in classes with them, the cool kids because I did drugs, and the athletes because I was a cheerleader. I didn’t dare bring any friends home because my parents physically fought each other and screaming matches were the norm. Being a cheerleader led me to the weight room where the football players worked out. I spent a lot of time in there because I didn’t want to go home to my parents fighting. But I learned how to lift weights. From that little High School gym I went to a major bodybuilding gym. Not many women went to a barebones bodybuilding gym in 1978. I was there to lift every morning at 5 a.m. I was the only woman among 20 men at that time of the day. They became my best buddies. Most of the women who went there went in the evening and had full makeup on and were basically there to hit on or date the muscle guys. And it was pretty cut-throat among those women to compete to get attention from the guys working out. Pretty soon the guys lifting weights forgot I was even a woman. Let me tell you I learned a lot about how various men look at relationships with women. Eventually more women came to just lift weights and I made more female friends. This morning I needed to talk to a girlfriend who I inspired to lift 10 years ago who I haven’t talked to in a couple months. we cross paths a lot but never really have time because of our responsibilities to sit and chat. I needed medical advice from a friend of hers who is a doctor. She remarked that it was really great no matter how much time went by we seem to pick up a conversation just where we left off. Being older now, I’m meeting women in my age group to about age 70 or older and making Fast Friends. I think it’s because we’re just too damn tired to deal with the drama and cattiness at this age. I’m not saying that there aren’t women my age who aren’t catty or feel the need to have constant drama in their lives. I’m just running into more women who don’t want it.

    • Corinne, How cool you were to were to lift weights before it was trendy!Yes, by this age, no need for pettiness; we’ve all been through something!

  19. Great advice Elsa! There are good and bad mens’ groups for sure. I have always had luck attracting really loyal friends but no so much in the romance department since I do expect it to be too ideal in a very gritty world. Blame fiction and Hollywood films for conditioning me! Haha. Maturing does help a bit.

  20. Pluto in Virgo 7H… struggles all my life with being controlled or being controlling. As I’ve gotten in to my 5th decade, after multiple betrayals in the 4th decade, and realizing how I give my power away… the friendship/relationship “requirements” have softened and I am learning to accept ‘what is’ in others AND myself. AND listening to that red flag when it goes off!

  21. Pluto. and Venus in Scorpio. I am very introverted and in the act of making new friends, I will not act upon making a friend first. I like keeping to myself lest someone wants to talk to me first then I am all for it. I do agree though, lately I don’t want to try unless my intuition tells me othewise. I am usually very poor at communication outside of work or my colege campus. I prefer to keep my phone away when I am significantly busy. working on a project. (A very introverted and calculating sagittarius.)

  22. a woman i know, who has a hard time finding men and love, told me that women who have so many men wanting her, are greedy type of women.

    hmm greedy… i dont see how that woman is greedy but that woman does get alot of admirers. it can’t be helped, while the one who can hardly get any males …i get a bitterness in her feeling.
    I dont blame her, she is just expressing her sadness and misery of not having the same kindof energy.
    But then, she has other qualities that the other woman doesn’t have. sigh. its tough u know..

    • this woman btw is Virgo (i dont know her chart yet) but the woman she accused of being so greedy and has so many men around her is a Pisces sun, Pisces venus, Libra moon. with 5 planets pisces. it has to be opposition. It could well likely be her Virgo venus being critical. while the other is oblivious and running around like a butterfly who can’t help herself.

  23. It took me a long time to know how to develop friendships; I was a military brat — we moved a lot– and my father was on the angry side (unloving harsh childhood). My mother, though, was loving, funny and open, and while her more privileged childhood showed through sometimes, on the whole she made friends easily. I would make friends quickly — had to when we moved annually — but I didn’t know how to how to develop roots and grow friendships until my 30’s or so.
    I’m more introverted than not (Cap moon at least), so I’m still happier alone more than others probably, but glad to feel I’ve developed in being more discerning in and able to invest in friendships.

  24. I was unconsciously judgmental when I was younger, because people were judgmental of me. It took me over a decade later to figure it out that I was doing it (judging) automatically.

    It’s no wonder my past boyfriends left me.

  25. Not everyone can be filled with Libra, Venus trines and Gemini charm. Like many of us, my chart is full of relationship challenge indicators. Friends are painful. I am not good at friendship, though somehow I have managed to have a great marriage. With others, it is all about overcoming fear, discernment and becoming vulnerable – over time. I am so not there yet. Friendship is important – I do have a Libra Midheaven – but just like not all of us are born rich, or beautiful or talented, not all of us are born knowing how to ‘friend’. The loners and the catty ones are each a side of the coin. Feeling tender for all of us trying to friend…

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