Why Do People Fail To Make Friends Or Find Love?

man fishing on pierLilly started a discussion in the forum – Why do women tend to be so catty?  I thought it was a great topic. There’s no denying, catty women exist. There’s also no denying that there are great women out there, who will love and support other women to their dying breath. I figure it’s about 50/50.

I feel bad for, Lilly, who’s trying and failing to make friends, at least at this time. You may be having the same trouble. If so, it’s important to continue to try, if you want these kinds of connections.  It’s so easy to become jaded.

You know you’re jaded when you say, “all women” do something or act some way. It’s not true, but at that point you’ve made a rule. By nature, people like to prove themselves right.  So if this is what you think, you’re likely to find nothing but support for your theory.

I thought I would write this post for, Lily, and women like her. I might have some ideas that will help you leave one realm and enter another.  This stuff is not PC, okay? I’m going to be candid.

Catty women tend to run in schools, like fish.  Kind women who respect people tend to do the same.

This doesn’t mean that if you can’t make friends, it’s because you’re in a bad group. That may be it, but if women are catty everywhere you go, all your life, chances are high that the problem lies with you.

Most people fail at relationships (of any kind) because their expectations are ridiculous. They think they are supposed to meet people, who will then behave to their standard.

This is insane. You don’t run the other person. You don’t run their mind, their mouth, their life, their family, their manners or any other thing you can think of.  If you’re like this, not only are you destined to be disappointed across the board – you’re a lousy friend yourself.

A person like this has a marked lack of interest in getting to know another person.  They could care less who the other person is, in reality. They just want to see if the person can pass a bunch of tests…which they never can!

No one is going to replace your bad mom, for example. If you don’t have authentic interest in getting to know another person, and to love and care for them, you can’t expect your relationships to last.

Three things to take from this…

  • If you are truly hanging around lousy people, why are you doing this? It’s your responsibility to expand your circle (Saturn in Sagittarius). Pack up your pole and fish upstream.
  • If your problem is lifelong and chronic, stop what you’re doing and try to figure out what it is about you, that is so off-putting. (hint – it’s usually has to do with stubbornness and/or pride.)
  • Make sure you are actually interested in knowing another human being, rather than just filling the chair next to you, You, YOU.

Last, it takes time to build a strong relationship of any kind. Are you willing to invest three or four or five years getting to know someone?  How about ten, twenty or thirty?

If you’re not interested it this, it would explain why your relationships are shallow and/or fleeting.

Do you struggle to make friends, or to partner? Do you see yourself in this?

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Why Do People Fail To Make Friends Or Find Love? — 19 Comments

  1. Yes, and yes, I have impossible, complicated standards, I have this thing that I need to get to know someone right away and make him or her pass a bunch of tests. Venus in Virgo.
    I know it’s a bad thing, but the point is that I don’t suffer because I have no friends. I tried to, and I suffered more whenever I made friends that weren’t on my same page as far as ideals and outlook on Life were concerned.

  2. I suspected what the problem was (me) for many years, but it took my son putting it into words for me to actually get it.

    It’s my introversion. I need to be alone. A lot. If people don’t know me well, they take it as rejection. If they’re Jersey Housewives, they think it’s weird.

    It also doesn’t help that I’m so used to seeing the dark side of women (Venus conjunct Pluto in Virgo) that I expect the worst to happen.

    My progressed Sun is about to leave Virgo, where he’s been since I was 15. I’ve been working on easing up the prickliness and give people a fair shot (Libra).

  3. This is exactly what happened saturday night when I went to wedding with my son . I guess I am usually judgy and look at peoples differences instead of what we may have in common and I really noticed when sitting with a group of his friends , who had been friedds for years, they were so diverse yet still friends and thought nothing of it . One young man was from pakistan and talked of his family arranging his marriage, while I was in shock, my son just laughed and said that’s gotta suck for you…… they each just laughed and went on on on discussing other t

  4. I attract people. I have Venus in Libra in the 2nd house. That doesn’t mean everyone becomes my best friend but people want to talk to me. And I value other people, I love to learn from them, know different aspects of human nature and can appreciate cultures other than my own. But woe to those who judge me or others. It’s intolerable to me. I find it so easy to say I’m not perfect – in fact I’ve slipped on a banana peel Elsa but I wasn’t the one who peeled the damn thing and threw it on the floor – I also don’t hesitate to say I’m wrong when I realize I am – I should have been watching where I was walking when stepped on the banana peel.

  5. I fail to make friends because I like to be alone but at the same time I take some things as personal rejection. Like I’ve just started nursing school and we’re all getting to know each other. And the people I said hello to on day one blank me on day two. Err rejection but it isn’t about me it’s about them and their habits.

    Failing to partner… Either I’m real bad at it cause I have issues or I’m too busy being judged by the other party to even bother try. The potential and I got into a huge fight over respecting each other. He felt disrespected by me and vice versa. My response after some defending was to apologise and his defence was he did no such thing and u shouldn’t take it personally because we was only talking about football (soccer). However it was the way the conversation went that annoyed me and made me feel disrespected more than anything. But hey pride and stubbornness is at work. Then I was judged to not want to be treated right because at the point of me wanting to do something I didn’t want to accept the gesture of taking tissues. I don’t know either I’m messed up with partnering or I’m choosing the wrong people to partner with.

  6. “Last, it takes time to build a strong relationship of any kind. Are you willing to invest three or four or five years getting to know someone? How about ten, twenty or thirty?”

    *eyes wide* Bingo, Elsa. Bing-fucking-Oh!!

    Man… that is exactly what I’m doing. Try to get deep, fast, because I have no faith / don’t trust that it will last due to past experiences. Or close off and intentionally keep it shallow for the same reason. Sometimes both.

    I could try to pretty this up or excuse it — this energy is prominent in my chart! — but, you know what? No. No excuses, no sniffling. I need to at least trust myself enough to realise that other people like my awesome (because I am awesome *winks*) and trust others enough to think they may actually stay the course.

    THANK YOU. You just gave me a giant fucking road map, E!! 😀

    • I wrote this because people tell me, frequently, they envy my relationships. I have the relationships I do, because I will give you more than 11 minutes to become part of my life, while I become part of yours.

      And I am truly interested in other people – in spending time with them, talking to them in depth and stuff.

      If you fire everyone once a month…there can only be one result. And a person like me can see that you fire everyone once a month, so obviously, I’m not going to invest.

      People do grow to love their friends over time. But many people, the moment they are the least bit challenged or uncomfortable, they clear their decks….

      I have been wiped off so many decks…and who cares?

      As my husband pointed out, the only people that matter are those who stick with you.

      I would add that it is *their* choice.

  7. Yes, this speaks to me. Two of my closest friends, both of whom I met in April 2006 when I visited San Francisco the first time, live in Northern California. I don’t talk to them often. We’re writers. I have two close friends in San Antonio, a woman I met through Craig’s List when I rented a room from her in late 2013 and my ex-husband. I like the idea of remaining friends with romantic interests but that never works out for me. By and large I’m a loner. I don’t have any friends on campus. I’m hoping to meet new people when I start my Zumba class and get more involved in Buddhism. I also want to start doing volunteer work. I am open…but I do have walls. Willing to dynamite those for the right people, people who don’t come across as shallow and stupid.

  8. I find on the whole men can be a lot worse than women when it comes to ‘catty’ remarks. Comes from knowing a lot of journalists, both male and female : 0
    And also it’s quality over quantity when it comes to making friends. I have been jealous in the past about not being one of the popular kids, but realised my forte was for both closer, special friends and wider audiences.

    Following on from your ‘Is your whole life a selfie?’ post, I recently unfriended someone who has 1,000 facebook friends, because she was never a real friend to me, and got under my radar before I realised she was a 20-something, career-climbing user. Just someone on the make at work. And it’s all part of the New Year clear out, feels good.
    Women have been catty to me all my life, due to their perception that I am a threat. That just makes me smile inside, ha! It’s their problem.

    One interesting thing is how really nice people can tend to hang out with complete nightmares, people who are like a projection of their nasty side.
    You go, why oh why is that great, interesting person hanging out with that ugly soul? A good friend of mine (a Sag) said hey, they get to be really mild and Venusian, ‘the good guy’ and their best / good friend is basically a bully and acts out their internalised aggression, like they can act vicariously. Passive-agressive type thing maybe.

  9. This totally speaks to me. I have Saturn and Chiron in Pisces in the 11th house. I have lots of social acquaintances, but very few friends. I’ve spent decades trying to figure out why my friendships don’t last. As I have passed various milestones in life or moved to other cities, my friends fall away for whatever reason and I have to start all over again. I’ve spent years in therapy ‘working on myself’. I’m old now and am done blaming and trying to fix myself. I really think it’s time to just accept that it’s my destiny/karma to be largely alone in this lifetime.

  10. Wise words, Elsa. I have Chiron in my 11th house. Because I am “differently abled” in this area myself ;-), I learned fairly early on that it’s unrealistic of me to expect people to achieve some crazy standard I may set that has nothing to do with them and everything to do with alleviating my own insecurity. I’ve learned to love people for who they really are.

  11. I went through some serious difficulties with my family as a child. As an adult, I felt wary about opening up to people. After a phase of few years where things were going alright – I was betrayed by a series of ‘friends’ I trusted. I was hurt pretty badly, so I’ve gone back into my shell. Sometimes it is just the fear of getting hurt again that makes sensitive people withdraw from others…

  12. I just had the cat discussion today. 3 out of the 4 people I suggested for jobs got them. The 4th has a personality that people cannot get beyond. Yes, she is abrasive. But at least it is out front and visible and if I cut her back which means I stand up for myself, she’s not insensitive to that. So there are all these appalled people lashing out about her, and yes she should have known better, but at least she isn’t catting around in the dark building coalitions to take people down. She’s just doing her thing in her own bullish way.

  13. I think for me the issue is fear, rather than lack of interest in others. In my early years I was bullied rather badly. At home, my parents, mother especially, couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just be ‘normal’ and get along. In high school I had an amazing group of friends. Absolutely amazing. We all had struggles, and we all were there for one another. Very close knit. But I had them largely because I was best friends with an extrovert who attracted them. From there, all I had to do was participate and BE a friend to maintain the friendships. Around the time my marriage was in crisis, I/we had a couple couples that we spent time with, and largely they all sided with my ex. I felt badly betrayed. And I felt that these people who were ‘friends’ expected that I change my feelings and perceptions about my husband, our relationship, and what I wanted out of life. By their perception he is wonderful. Would do anything for a person. Which is true. But there was a much darker side to that that they never saw and would never believe. So now, to try to make friends … it requires, to a point, to show my vulnerability. My weaker humanness. I have to let down the guard of professionalism (which I employ even when not at work or associating with work people). I can’t remember the last time I was liked for who I am; my exuberance, my silliness, my zest for word jokes/puns, my eccentricities. Even when I do find women who are not ‘catty’, and I do have some possibilities — quantity is not as important as quality, and perhaps what I learn through this unfolding — I’m having a very hard time stepping past that fear. It paralyzes me. I can’t think of a darn thing to say besides, ‘how are you?’ (a poor opener), or some comment on the weather. And even if I can think of something, it doesn’t mean the words will come out!

    But! Tomorrow a work friend, who has been making steady effort with me over the past couple of years, is coming with her boyfriend to have game night! I’m excited. This could be a good step, and regardless of where it leads, I’m having company! Yippee 🙂

  14. Lack of interest in forming close bonds with other people is a form of self-protection and sometimes the only way to give yourself a feeling of internal stability. Intimacy is dangerous and mostly unrewarding once clothes are back on.

  15. Not everyone feels what long-term intimacy gives is worth what it takes in terms of effort, even with a genuinely wonderful friend/partner.

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