Why Do Some People Bring Out the Worst in Each Other?

cold heartWe often talk about people bringing out the best or the worst in us, but have you ever wondered why that happens? Synastry, which is the interaction of two charts, often has the answer. One of the interesting things about synastry is that it can bring out aspects of our personalities that are otherwise overlooked. I recently had this thrown into stark relief in a conversation with my mother.

I am usually a shiny, Jupiterian character. I am always ready to laugh out loud, empathize, or help a friend in need. But all this changes when I am around her. Our synastry chart complex, but what really stands out is that my Saturn completes a grand cross of her Mars, Mercury, and Jupiter. She has Big Feelings that she is driven to discuss. But when that side of her comes out, I become Saturn incarnate. Gone is my fiery flair, and all that is left is cold, hard logic. Take this recent exchange:

“Midara, I know the reason you haven’t called is because you’re furious with me. I just need to know why you’re willing to believe all these lies about me and why you’re so angry.”

“No, I haven’t called because you asked me for space and I was trying to honor your request. Further, we have not spoken in a month, so you do not actually know what I believe or how I feel. I’d really like for you to not assign me feelings and motives.”

“Have you ever even considered my perspective here? And why it’s so hard on me for you to be so angry?”

“Of course I have, or at least I’ve considered what I have to assume is your perspective, since you’ve not been willing to discuss anything with me lately. So while I can’t read your mind, I’ve done my best with the information at my disposal. And again, I need you to stop telling me how I feel. Ultimately, my emotions are mine to manage. They are my responsibility and I will not take them out on anyone, nor will I justify them. You do not have to worry about incurring my wrath.”

“I just don’t know why you have so much hate in your heart for me.”

“I do not hate you. The fact that I am unhappy is a reasonable and predictable reaction in this situation, but it is nowhere near hate, and I genuinely do not know where that idea is coming from. I want to have a relationship with you, but I cannot do it on the condition that I either lie and say I’m not upset or that I perform penance for something I don’t actually feel. I love you very much, but I am ending this conversation now. It is no longer productive.”

Oof, right? No sentiment, no anger, just boundaries. As I mentioned before, this is a total departure from my normal MO. In this case, the synastry is more expressive than the natal chart. I still am who I am, but in this situation, Saturn is the only planet at the party.

I think this happens to a lot of us. You think you’re not an angry person until you meet someone who activates your Mars and pushes your buttons. You think you’re detached and aloof right up until someone’s Venus conjoins your Moon and you’re suddenly mushy and starry-eyed. Or, like me, you think you’re an open-hearted sun child until your Saturn fits into just the right slot in someone else’s chart.

So if you find yourself consistently acting a little out of character around another person, take a look at the synastry. You might just find a part of yourself you never knew existed.

Have you ever been around someone who brings out a whole different side of you? What was the synastry like?

For help with synastry check out Midara’s Relationship Review.

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Why Do Some People Bring Out the Worst in Each Other? — 8 Comments

  1. My first response to this is a Saturn clash, my second was a Saturn – Chiron clash – and then you write that Saturn is involved between you mother and yourself…enough said.

    People either like me or they dont, and when they dont its because of the Saturn/Mercury in my chart connecting with something in their chart – they dont like what I say or how I say it, or the other way round – I dont like what they say.

    I had a friend at Uni who I remained in contact with, but there was always something in the background that jarred – this would be one of the friends that the French philosopher would have been referring to when he said that ‘hell is being stuck in a room for eternity with all your friends’ – in the end it came apart with a big argument triggered by his friend brandishing a knife at myself that ‘my friend’ failed to see and though that it was all me. We have not spoken for at least ten years.

    And about a mother – between my mother and myself there are two Saturn – Chiron clashes – she was the worst person ever – but then again was it her fault with that kind of connection between us??

  2. Yep oh yeah. I had a friend I clashed with all the time.

    Also this happens a lot. With lots of people, the synastry dictates our relationship. It’s hard because theoretically you should be able to evolve and grow in relationships rather than keep repeating the same patterns. Maybe I’m missing the puzzle piece that allows one to do that.

    My ex boyfriend and I have mercury Pluto overlays. And he has mercury Neptune. I still don’t know what he saw in me, but he wanted to date me so he did, he wanted to end it so he did. Plus a lot of his planets fell in my 12th house so it was a lot of pressure and a lot of waves washing over me, sometimes I was into it, sometimes I was empty. It was hard in that way. I wanted it to be something.

    My Venus Pluto transit changed my behavior too. I showed more staying power, empathy, and more need for connection than I thought I was capable with. I felt like less of an unloving monster. I sought and maintained connections. I felt I was creating a friend family. Saturn is hitting my transit so I’m lonely and without friends. Neptune is washing back those safety loving elements of my identity that made it hard to really crack myself open and have friends. Making me doubt everything. Every bit of trying to become and make myself something. Everything is falling away. Things are changing and my friendships aren’t sustaining me the way they were. Of course the people around me have been more Neptunian people. Rather than people who help me strive and believe in a best self. All the helping and believing didnt actually make me go for it. I haven’t moved a step.

  3. I am very sure that some parts of your chart hits me in such a way that I feel the desire to start ‘talking’ and never stop. And I hope it doesn’t bother you :/ hope that’s not speaking out of school

    I really appreciate that your posts hit me in the soul in such a way that they make me think and lay out some kind of self understanding and make me feel less alone 🙂

    The moon is in Leo.. I’m probably gonna break out my markers..

  4. My Mother’s Chiron is almost conjunct my Ascendant. In Aquarius.

    Chiron is how you wound others also. So, my mom being who she is, being non-personal, aloof, detached emotionally and saying things that really hurt, affected both me and my dad (his Moon was also conjunct her Chiron).

    Her Pluto squares her Moon/Sun and that conjunction is conjunct MY Chiron. My Chiron is conjunct fixed star Algol.
    Who she is, how she feels is hurt, and visa versa, and because her Saturn sits – to the exact degree – on my Sun/Venus/Jupiter stellium in Scorpio, I am an insecure, shaking, wagging-tail dog around her. She is stern, non-emotional, not prone to hugs and I remember her as being overly controlling and strangling my free-spirited nature as child. She has been an active contributer to my borderline personality.

    We don’t talk anymore. She washed her hands off me in 2019, suddenly and in the most humiliating way ever. Non-personal for her, of course – Chiron in Aquarius, yes?

    But f*CK it hurt like hell. I went into therapy for more than a year because of it. I am still not over it (will you ever be?) But at least I’ve come so far since then.

    I still have my dad and my sister, even though my sister prefers my mother at her social engagements
    That’s how it is, she has Asperger and Per se, she does not master the whole ability for empathy. *Sigh*

      • Yes, I am.

        I find that in my youth I had trouble connecting with people empathically but as you age and life kicks you down in trauma after trauma, your ability and capacity for empathizing increase. Borderline is a disorder that often improves with age, as you mature.

        But first realising your condition now, when I hit almost 38 years old, has been tragic to say the least. So much more could have been done that could have helped me, but nothing was done because it’s a difficult diagnosis to spot. Only a skilled therapist can do that I think.

        I am now on anti depressants and it has really helped me snap out of the depression and anxiety that many with borderline personality suffer from. A lot of borderlinere are ashamed of their condition, and don’t know there is help to be found. Often, they don’t know they’re borderline either, and so their life drags on with one crisis after another. Saddest thing ever 💔

  5. This post makes me go hmmm . . .

    My own mother’s Mars sits on my Sun (both 15* Cancer); she hated me right up to her death (I wasn’t supposed to be told she had passed, according to the brother who could do no wrong, no matter what he did). It is interesting how others all expressed sympathy once they knew she had gone, but I cannot feel anything. It’s an emptiness, a nothingness – no love = no feeling. It’s what I tell my own kids; to feel anything about it, there needed to have been some crumb of love somewhere first.

    It took me years to try to fathom what the heck I had done to upset her all the time – just being born to her was the problem & she made sure I knew about that. “If it wasn’t because of you, I would . . . ” with 100 + 1 other excuses. Projection on an innocent child – – – much?

    Yet, when I began to learn astrology in my teens, my teachers & my astrologer friends all go, “look at that lovely Moon in Taurus ruled by Venus in Gemini & sextile your Sun”! Well, yep she was a primary school teacher & according to others, a very good one, BUT . . .
    Synastry revealed the truth of the matter.

    Thank you for your thought provoking posts. I’m so very glad to read you are doing much better Elsa. You are one strong cookie 0:)

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