Who Do You Trust?

betrayal

Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

A theme has been popping up in my consultations recently – who should we trust, and how do we decide? It makes perfect sense that this topic is coming up now, with Venus conjunct Pluto in Capricorn. Venus and Pluto together know all about taboos, underbellies, and betrayal, and Capricorn is deeply practical and likes to create boundaries. And as a Venus-Pluto person myself, I know more than a little about this topic.

Trust is a big deal. Trust is essentially telling another person, “You have the power to hurt me. I am letting you close enough that you could easily stick a knife in me. And yet, I believe you won’t do it.” It’s one of the most powerful statements we can make. But whether you’re meeting a new person or deciding whether to reconcile after a betrayal, there are certain criteria that can make it a lot easier. Here’s a condensed version of what I tell my clients:

  1. Everyone will hurt you. Understand and accept the fact that nearly everyone you bring close will, at one point or another, hurt, disappoint, or even betray you. People are imperfect, relationships are messy, and many of us are too absorbed in our own problems to see the pain we cause others. In addition, if we want to have lifelong relationships, we need to give people room to grow, to be repulsive, to molt and transform. That’s rarely a pretty process, and there is often collateral damage. But none of that is reason to keep people out. It’s what happens next that matters.
  2. Does the person take your feelings seriously? If you say something bothers you, do they knock it off and try to avoid doing that in the future? Or do they laugh and tell you to get over it? When you set a clear boundary, do they respect it or try to push, figuring out exactly where the line is? There’s a big difference between someone who sees a line and puts their toe right up against it and someone who sees a line and does everything they can to steer clear.
  3. Can they accept that “No,” is a complete sentence? Back when I was dating, I would always find something small to refuse to test the waters. “Oh, no, I don’t like German food. How about sushi?” You’d be amazed at how much information you can glean from something so simple (the tantrums I faced from that, my GOODNESS).
  4. Do you feel like you can be your true, complete, vulnerable self with them? Can you goof around without being judged? Can you share tales from your past without worrying they’ll be used for ammunition later? Can you relax and just be, or is the tension making the very air vibrate?
  5. Can you come to them with problems/issues/gentle criticism and have them hear you out? Are they willing to make changes to make your life easier?
  6. Do you feel heard in general? Do you feel like they are truly understanding you, or do you suspect your words are being put through a filter, colored and shaped by their own expectations?
  7. Do they show up? When things get difficult, are they at your side or nowhere to be found? When my partner and I were on the rocks, I wasn’t sure he could be there for me in the way I needed. Then I ended up hospitalized, and when I got home, there were wounds that needed daily care, and I couldn’t do it myself. He immediately took over, learning everything he could from the nurses so that he could provide me the best care possible. He was my faithful attendant for weeks upon weeks, and I knew then that he could be counted on when things get rough.
  8. Do they take responsibility when they mess up? Everyone makes mistakes. But owning it and using it as a learning opportunity is what makes someone an adult.
  9. Do their words match their actions? Do they follow through on their promises? If they are struggling to meet your needs, are they honest about it, setting reasonable expectations?

Of course, this is just scratching the surface. Trust is a complicated beast. With clients, I get a lot more granular, and of course everything is personalized to their exact situation! But this general rubric will serve anyone well. So as we navigate the Venus/Pluto conjunction for the next three months, keep this guide close at hand. It might just save you from real pain!

How do you decide who to trust? What are your criteria?

Consult with Midara.

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About Midara

Midara has been a consulting astrologer for over a decade. Whether you’re struggling with relationships, personal growth, tough transits, or whatever else, she’s here to help.

Comments

Who Do You Trust? — 17 Comments

  1. The first paragraph made me feel emotional for some reason. Actually very good guidelines for friendship/relationship/human connections. I go by my gut and observations. But mostly instincts and feelings. Sun/venus/mercury opposite pluto.

  2. #7
    Do they show up?

    Venus conjuct Jupiter & Neptune in the 6th house…

    But every coin has a flip side.
    Do I show up?

    There’s usually a ‘test’ somewhere along the way. If you can live with me (or date) and not hate me afterwards. I trust you.

    Pluto in the 4th

  3. This post really resonated with me. I identify with very part of this post. I had a conversation about revealing my history and concern about it being used as ammunition with a friend/coworker that I trust.

    Thank you for writing this. I’m going to print it out and reread it over the Venus Retrograde period.

  4. Excellent advice. It sometimes puzzles me to hear a person say “I don’t trust that person.” There are people you can trust to listen to your troubles but not to repay money you loan them. Consider what you know about a person’s capacity.

  5. Good list, good to read and try out on
    New crushes,last year heartbroken
    With old school mate, he would have flunked hard with list. Nice discoveries on your part.

  6. Dear Midara

    This is just excellent advise,and a great post in all.
    Trust is really a big topic and very very relevant.
    Thank you so much.
    This totally resonated with me.
    And I will keep these valuable tips and suggestions for a long time.
    Blessings

  7. Wow, great list of things to think about when giving trust.
    I appreciate this logical, rational approach to things that are lived through “feelings” & emotions and are difficult to share.
    There is sometimes a big gap between the feely parts one expresses & the reaction from outside.
    Thank you for this list.
    It’s quite strange to have longtime friends with whom you don’t share a thing, knowing they’ll scoff at whatever you say. (Are they really friends?)

  8. Sounds like a wish list for a boyfriend/girlfriend. I have been badly let down by people, who later did come good. They were older parental/relatives.

  9. “Of course, this is just scratching the surface” – OOo no, this not scratching the surface!!! This is as deep as this can get! If people will go as deep as you and will do the efort to understand all of your points, the humanity will become normal and not…oooh i do not want to name what we are. I am not bitterd or anything, i just know much too well about shortcomings about human race. Had to work hard on my own shortcomings, like everybody should. After i have done my hard job, dare to say humanity is still has has not grown up yet and morality in the great sense of the understanding yet might to come.
    Thank you for the post, Midara. What a Grrrreeat beautiful deep contemplations.

    • P.S. Correction, i am also not done yet with my ‘job’ to become how i dream about. It’s not done until it’s over. We are all still here and it’s not over yet, always enough room to learn something, and it’s a beautiful thing.

  10. I think Midara sounds more generous and forgiving than I usually am. I have an antenna out looks for faults and once I find them, I have a hard time going on with the relationship.Example: a woman who seems friendly and interesting starts badmouthing another “friend” behind her back. I could overlook it or make allowances but my conclusion is, if she does that to her, she’ll do it to me. I don’t trust easily and when I find a reason not to trust it is usually a deal breaker.

    But Midara’s list has given me lots to chew on. People are flawed and imperfect and if you want them to stick around you have to make allowances. But I am still stuck at “do I really want them”.

    • No, do not make allowances of that kind when people do really sank low. I think what Midara ment, that if there is a room for integrity in the person, we can make a bridge and do not throw baby out with the bathwater. But some people are just do not want to improve themselves…and yes, i agree on this point of yours “do I really want them” – it’s absolutely a question full of sense and sensibility. I am personally convinced it’s necessary to ask ourselves about people which are surrounding us and give ourselves the most honest answer possible. To have thoughts and feelings full of sobriety is different than be unforgiving.

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