Still talking with the soldier about cheating… (Why Do People Cheat?)
“So did she cheat on you or what?” I asked.
“Well I never caught her but yeah. I’m pretty sure she did. Enough people told me that was what was going on. I am pretty sure she slept with everyone she could possibly sleep with… and I mean everyone. Yeah, she cheated.”
“And it took me a long time to finally get this. To understand when someone cheats it’s no reflection on the person being cheated on. None at all. It’s not their character… the cheated on person gets to keep their character.”
“You had to learn that?”
“Oh. Because that is something I have always known.”
“Good, P, but yeah. I had to learn that and it didn’t come easy. Took a long time but I did figure it out eventually and you know. She can do whatever she wants. I can’t stop her. How am I going to stop her? If she wants to sleep around, let her sleep with whoever. But eventually I did leave her. She got left and I didn’t miss her that’s for sure. I was very glad to close that chapter of my life. It was a relief.”
Do you know that when someone cheats it is no reflection on the person being cheated on?
I figured that out the second time the same guy cheated on me.
i’m just wired for monogamy. what has happened to me is a significant other trying to ‘reason’ that cheating is a good and ‘natural’ thing — an expression of being a free spirit — and if i wasn’t with the program, well, it was just because i was unevolved and jealous and possessive. *sigh* wasn’t into swapping either.
It’s no reflection of the person, I agree. But I would say it is a reflection of the relationship.
It took a long time to only discover that guys tells excuses about a lot of things (I´m the kind of girl very romantic and naive) and i used to believe in everything that persons used to tell me.
Yet its hard not to take the cheating personally
I know what you’re trying to say here, Elsa, and for the record I agree. But I need to play devil’s advocate for a second.
What about those people who get cheated on in relationship after relationship? At some point, it starts being almost pathological. When would that line be crossed? Two, eight, eighteen partners all with the same M.O.? In those cases, I think it could be a reflection – just not a moral judgement. Some lesson s/he hasn’t learned yet or a basic “passiveness,” for lack of a better term, in her/his nature.
Wow SaDiablo you make a very good point! I suppose it kind of relates to that pharse
“fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me”
At first I was going to reply that I agree being cheated on is no reflection on the cheated person but after reading the rest of the comments Im so not sure, SaDiablo does make a good point.
Maybe, its not the that actual event/incident of being cheated on is a reflection of your character but that it is more about the actions and decisions you make concerning the incident that reflect your character. Hope that made sense.
i have mixed feelings about this.
one the one hand, anytime someone else does something that you find hurtful or upsetting, i don’t think it’s possible for it to be “personal”, even if aimed squarely at you. people behave according to their own drives, issues, and concerns. if you’re getting blindsided by it, normally either you play into the issues somehow are are getting them projected on you.
on the other hand, i DO believe i create my own life, and i believe my thoughts and feelings and actions draw certain types of energy to me. so if i get the same results over and over again in different situations, i have to look inside to see what in my inner reality is impacting my outer reality.
but regardless of where something is coming from, i always try to ask myself, “what’s here for me?” there must be something for me to learn or take from the situation, because i don’t believe this stuff happens randomly, either. you’re presented with the lessons you need. the sooner you learn them, normally, the sooner they move on by.
I can only say that once I was cheated on, I forgave but never forgot. I still love this person deeply, but it changed me too, because I lost that ability to trust wholeheartedly, and it was a great, deep loss. I thought maybe one day it would come back, but I have made peace that it is gone forever, and I have had to work around it. The relationship is with the same person, but it will never again be the same relationship. I do agree cheating is a reflection of the relationship, but it is still a personal choice that an individual makes, one that most definitely cannot be taken back once the damage is done.