What Do You Do When A Friend Pulls Away?

Venus squareWhat would you do if you noticed a friend had pulled away?

Would you question them? Try to pull them back in?

Or would you let them be, maintaining the friendship within the new frame they’d established?

Where is your Venus and how is it aspected?



What Do You Do When A Friend Pulls Away? — 60 Comments

  1. I’m having this very debate within myself right now…actually, almost sent it in as a question. I have a friend, we’ve been close for 30 years, that has suddenly cut me off. The conversation we had was not that different from others we’ve had over the years, but she decided this time she didn’t want anymore to do with me. I’ve apologized, though I don’t think I’m completely in the wrong and I’ve sent her a couple of emails, but I have now to decided to back completely off. She’s done this before, and it usually happens when she’s really angry with someone in her family. I’m just an easier target. So I’ve left the door open, but I won’t chase. Venus in Scorpio, conjunct Neptune, square Saturn and Mars. Any input would be welcome.

  2. I accept it, and hope they will come to their senses at first, on their own. if not, the new relationship status is very welcome. venus in capricorn trine saturn, sextile mercury, square pluto

    ps- i’m going through this right now, so i’m thinking of the actual situation, where I know the reason this friend backed away and I know it’s not reasonable. But if i didn’t know the reason i’d be restless to find out before i decide what the future should be. I might chase the person if I respected the reason they changed frames.

  3. I’ve Libra Venus conjunct Libra Uranus (11th) conjunct Libra Sun (11th), both trine Gemini Saturn (7th) and Aquarius Mars (3rd). I hate to see people come & go (Capricorn Moon in 2nd) but it seems they just do so I just adjust 🙁

  4. well, i would do what i would want them to do for me if the situation was reversed 😉 if i pull away from a solid friendship and they don’t ask why or come find me then i know i don’t mean much to them and they don’t really care. a true friend would care enough to seek you out and keep your bond, don’t you think? so i would do this a few times and if they didn’t respond or pulled away more…then i guess i would pull away some myself till they seek to right things again. it’s too bad this happens sometimes. friendships are meant to endure 🙂 venus in 11th in aries conjunct sun/mars, square cappy moon, opposed saturn/jupiter, trine uranus.

  5. My Venus is in Gemini and in my 7th house. I personally just go with the flow I guess. I have had a lot of friends come and go and because I need constant change and excitement sometimes things just have to end. Although I always hope it’s smooth for both. I have Pluto trining from my 11th house in Libra. And my 1st house Neptune (in Sag) Opposing Venus.

  6. hm, like Ana I have venus in aries square a cap moon but mine is 9th to 5th. I have a different m.o. I do nothing. I often think a lot about how much they mean to me but still do nothing cos I figure that is what I want when *I* pull away.

  7. I had to pull away from a long time relationship here recently. It was the day Pluto went Direct & it was time. This relationship had become very draining on me over the past several years. This severing of ties was looooong overdue. If it’s the other way around, I usually do very little or nothing. If someone doesn’t want to be around me then it’s their choice. Venus in Sagittarius in the 1st trine Saturn in the 9th

  8. Like Heather, I have Venus in Scorpio (in the 4th) conjunct Neptune (in the 4th) squaring Mars in Leo (in the 2nd).I would try to work things out but then would also back off and let them make some moves but always leave the door open. I would also internalise that perhaps I did something wrong I was unsure about and would grieve the loss of the friendship.

  9. Venus Libra in 12th… if a friend pulls away, I put out an invite somewhere casually…if they pass after 2-3 invites than I let them go.

  10. if i didn’t think i did or said something to provoke distance, and i simply thought of them as a friend, i probably wouldn’t care. i’m very distant, normally, so i don’t expect a lot of contact or social time.

    on the other hand, it they were previously professing their undying appreciation for my presence, and then were not caring and floating off the next moment… i’d definitely be concerned/worried and anxious, and would probably be pretty annoyed with them. i might still talk to them (to a point – would assume not to trust them anymore), but if they just keep fading or altogether disappear then i’m better off. i’ve chased people a few times and it’s not worth it. i’d rather just let people be.

    venus in taurus… in 8th… opposite moon/jupiter… quincunx mars/ascendant & uranus… sextile midheaven… wide trine neptune.

  11. Heather: I wasted 4 years trying to understand why a friend dumped me although my Venus is in Aries, I called her repeatedly begging her to talk to me. She didn’t, until.
    I last spoke to her the day my aunt died. I asked her if we could talk later as I was grieving, and she disappeared. I haven’t spoke to her since. I spent a lot of time feeling shame someone would dump me, anger that she dumped me so obviously at a time I was incapacitated by grief…
    And then I realized something, which is this:

    It doesn’t fucking matter. Somethings just don’t get figured out in this lifetime. I’m glad it only took 4 years to figure out that I was never going to figure it out.

    Venus/Aries in the 3rd opposed Pluto/Libra 9th

  12. This happens to me a lot…my social situation seems to change within a minute. I’ve had lots of friends come and go, but I always back off and never question them. I’m not clingy, and while I’d like friends just as much as anyone else, I’m not a social butterfly and value my private time.

    Whenever I’m at parties, I have to find someplace quiet to hang out for a few minutes, because anything too social takes a lot out of me.

    Venus in Virgo, 6th house, conjunct Uranus and Pluto.

  13. Venus in Aquarius, conjunct the ascendant. I have very longstanding friendships, but I think that is partly because I give them a lot of leeway. They are as important to me as my family relationships, but I don’t pressure them to exist.

    Occasionally a person I thought was gone forever pops up out of the blue. One of my best friends turned up after ten years of non contact on the street in NYC, where I do not live, what are the chances? One in … 8 million, I guess. Another moved to a city where I used to live while I was away in grad school. Then when I moved back, we resumed our friendship after 20 years apart.

    There have been a few abruptly ended friendships, with the ending coming from the other side, and those are mysterious with the people just deciding one day that they don’t understand me and never will. when that happens I used to wonder and hope for them to resume. As I’ve become older, I just let them go. A lot of it is being willing to live with that mystery.

    When I see friends again after many years, it feels as if I just saw them. The friendships resume immediately.

  14. Thanks Denise and kashmiri, that helps. I have grieved over this, but you are right kashmiri, it doesn’t really matter why. And I am not wasting anymore time trying to figure it out.

  15. i’d drop a line, an email, or whatever, to let them know i’m thinking of them, see if they want to cht or whatever, and let it be. sometimes people get wrapped up in whatever and need to disengage for awhile. and i’m not going to go chasing them down.

    people drop me for all kinds of reasons and it only makes it worse to go pestering them about it. and sometimes it’s really nothing t do with me.

    (aspecting, variously, pluto, saturn, neptune)

  16. Ah, my Venus (rx) in Cancer in the 7th is always hurt and will withdraw for a while. But I will eventually peek over the bannister again (due to planets in other more tenacious signs in my chart) to see if some new frame of understanding may be found. Sometimes they can, sometimes not.

    For friendships that can’t be saved, some I mind losing and some I don’t, and I actually haven’t worked out why or what the right balance is yet – when to give up and when not to. I try to work out my issues through the experience of such a loss (Sun-Saturn in Gemini in the 6th, everything has to be ‘worked out’) – for example, what is it about (my idea of) this person that I feel I need to cling to, and what stakes do I have in not being able to let that idea go?

  17. venus pisces 11th. oppositions and squares from moon, pluto, saturn, mars.

    I’ve had friends pull away and in the instances that it’s happened I usually have occasion to run into them somewhere down the line. The reasons usually are that they’re pulling into themselves for personal problems, family issues, too much work, etc. They’re usually warm and wanting contact but not able to keep the same level of contact that they might have had previously.

    I have never, in my memory, truly been dumped by a friend. Usually the endings to my friendships have been gradual and caused by life changes.

    I have only once walked away from a friendship. In that instance I was direct in telling her why. Her husband was verbally abusive to me and I refused to be around it. As she wasn’t capable of socializing with me without him around (I had tried in previous months) I hit the wall with trying and told her directly while wishing her the love and happiness in her future. I still, even today, love her and care about her. I just couldn’t handle the treatment I got when I was around her.

    I guess I’ve felt hurt by friends pulling away until I get ahold of them and the story is something like .. my new job.. and the baby… and then my grandma got ill. I haven’t been talking to anyone. That’s the typical situation. Lots of friends have moved away and we both struggle to stay in touch at the level we might have had when we dropped in on eachother.

  18. I’d check in with myself, invariably find out it was mutual because it always is and move on. Venus/Pluto (and Sun) in Leo

    i make new friends constantly and often find myself outgrowing old ones.

  19. Seems like a number of us have Venus in Aries square Saturn in Capricorn – add me to list!

    I’ve had this happen several times. When younger, I’d try everything; nothing worked. Now it’s not an issue. Perhaps due to my Uranus in the 11th (?), many very good friends have suddenly & unexpectedly had to move abroad or to the other end of the U.S.A.- but that’s different!

    My Venus is tugged in very diffent directions:
    Venus in Aries (7th house)- Trine Uranus in Leo (11th), sextile Mars in Gemini (9th), & trine Jupiter in Sag 3rd).
    It’s also square Saturn & Moon conjunct in Cappy (4th).
    (All very close aspects except the Jupiter trine.)

    I hope it all works out for you, Heather!

  20. Sort of going through this now, and I’m just letting it be. I don’t know what caused the problem (although I have an inkling), and I’ve apologized for as much of it as I think I’m responsible. But that’s it, all the other shit needs to be a two-way street! Now I’ve just got to let my friend decide.

    I’ve got Venus/Mars/Pluto conjunct in Libra and it hits almost everything in my chart. Argh! The main influence here seems to be the trine with my Aquarius moon — I’m not one that needs a lot of social interaction in the first place, so don’t get too bent out of shape if someone pulls away.

  21. i am having girl friend problems because i toldon her because she was talking and the teacher asks who was talking and i pointed at her and the teacher said kiana why are you talking and now she wot even talk to me anymore i am going to call her so i can work things out with her i dont know if we are friends or not but i will still love here

  22. I’m in this exact situation with a pisces and I’ve just let them do as they must. I will continue what’s left of a friendship in the new frame that is in existence. If it goes on too long with nothing, then I will just be gone before they notice.
    In a friendship, I feel that I am responsible to you and you are responsible to me. I let you know what’s going on and expect the same respect. If it’s not given, then that’s not really a friendship, imo. It’s more of a one way street. All around tough situation, but learning where my boundaries are on this has made all the difference for me,

  23. I am the one that pulls away a lot. I guess I get too close and get freaked out by the closeness, so I back away. I usually come out of it, unless something happened to really make want to stay away.

  24. i let them go. it rarely happens because i never force my friendships, so the few i have are very strong and have been around for years and years, despite the way life tends to distract us from each other.

    but i have too much pride (venus in leo) to go chasing after anyone. in high school i belonged to a clique and my best friend was the de facto leader. for some reason i’m still not aware of years later, she dumped me via silent treatment. it was very passive-aggressive. the other girls also turned cold to me and i was iced out of that group. i never confronted my ex-friend, i just figured, ‘if you’re that much of a bitch to do this, you don’t deserve to be my friend.’

    so two years later, after still ignoring each other, i pass by her in the hall, just us, and she’s crying over something. i just ignored her. i give lots of leeway for people to be individuals, but i don’t respond to those who are too controlling or immature to have a real friendship.

    years and years later, due to same social circles, we’ve encountered each other and we’re friendly though not close again. it is all water under the bridge but i am not interested in renewing what we had.

  25. Leave them be. You can test the waters in a few weeks with a friendly ping – like an email or a text – to see if you get a response. Sometimes folks just need to cool down a bit. Venus in Aries in the 9th house trine uranus in Leo and Sextile moon in Gemini in the 11th house.

  26. I usually give them their space and let them be, and just check in with them ever so often. Sometimes their are events happening in their lives they are dealing with that don’t really concern friends.

    My Venus is in Scorpio tightly conjunct with Saturn also in Scorpio in the 10th house on the MC if you use the equal house system. This conjunction is squares Juipter and Pluto which are conjunct in Leo in the 7th house.

  27. Same. Had a Pisces cut me off 2yrs ago when I got sick and lost pretty much everything. Still don’t get it. Life goes on though.

  28. Rejection is never about the person being rejected. I’ve done my share of rejecting and no matter how good the reason I give might sound, it’s always about me.

    I might leave the person alone. I certainly think it may be the wisest choice.

  29. It depends but this has happened to me before. A friend I had for a long time only wanted me around for events where her kids needed presents – ugh. Now that I look back she was always a pretty selfish friend – never there when I needed her but always expected me to be there to listen to her complain for hours non stop. I found out she lied about something stupid to me and often wouldn’t say anything in my defense when some of her husbands friends (who didn’t like me) would pick on me. So, I phased her out. Don’t need friends like that. Of course years later she sends me a friends request on FB – yeah, right! On the other hand, I am still friends with people that I once spend a ton of time with but they seemed to have backed off for one reason or another but I know they are just busy for the most part. But they haven’t used me or anything. It really depends on the circumstances too. But in general, I would not say anything and leave it up to them. I might send a short message seeing how they are doing and see if they respond and go from there.

  30. Opps, my Venus is in Leo 9th house. I have Venus Square Neptune and Square Asc Scorpio – bleech. But I also have Venus Trine Mars. Not sure how this plays out in life. But my Mars in the second and I have had money issues in friendships etc or even friends be mad and jealous at me because I was skinnier than them (1st house???) and they couldn’t lose weight (how is that my fault?)

    I wanted to say too that my one friend says there is a reason why certain people come into your life and leave and certain ones stay. Those ones who go have outlived their purpose for you.

    @bitsandbob – My ex did something very similar to me but of course thinks he was the perfect boyfriend. I got sick and he avoided me – don’t need that crap, you know? People like that are better off gone from your life! They are NO friend!

  31. drop a line, touch base, see how, and when, they respond.
    there’s different kinds of danger signs, and distracted signs, and growing in a different direction signs. it depends on what i pick up.
    if someone seems to need someone to connect to, i’ll make it clear i’m there, otherwise i’ll just remind them of my presence and wait, maybe drop a line in once and awhile depending on the level of interest expressed…

    venus aspects saturn uranus neptune and pluto and stuff.

  32. I’ve had a friend do this recently. I could really care less–she deleted me *and* her mom on facebook. She’s got a cancer moon, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Pluto is dancing in opposition. She needs to go through her own shit. I can’t be there to support her undeveloped sense of self. Insecure people make me crazy.

  33. i might ask once, but maybe not.

    i just let them go- if they want to get back in touch at some point, i’m usually fine with that.

    i value freedom immensely, and have come to think that a need to break free can sometimes come out of the blue (for me it does with my 11 H aqua mer mars and uranus transits) and i don’t hold it agains anyone who needs to claim (or protect) their own space, for whatever reason, at any time. in fact, i am sometimes the one who backs off unexpectedly, and it is usually for no one apparent reason.

    1 H venus/moon/chiron in aries.

  34. Pisces dealing with Scorpio male best friend who has been pushing away for about a year. I rarely see him, and when I do he never says the reasoning is me. But he never says why he can’t make time for me anymore. Part of me thinks he has feelings that he can’t control around me. ?

  35. Venus in Virgo, 2nd House, trine Neptune, square Jupiter, quincunx Mars, sextile Pluto.
    I’m not bothered by friends pulling away – I’m famous for drifting away and coming back, myself.
    I would probably ask the person in question if I did/said something that warranted a similar reaction. But afterwards I would just leave them be. I understand that, sometimes, people need to have a different experience of life, one that doesn’t have to include me.

  36. Venus in Cancer in 9th, square Neptune
    This has happened to me – a friend amputated me but I didn’t even realize it. We weren’t always spending time together to start with. When I found out about it, it made me laugh that I hadn’t even noticed.
    Several years later (she’d moved to the other side of the planet) she re-contacted me, and stupidly I went along with this. She doesn’t know that I know why she amputated, as this was told to me by a mutual friend.
    Now I wish I’d never picked up again. But, still not doing anything about it, acting as if nothing were (My Mars in libra in 12th, square by 1° hers in Capricorne. No match, she wins every time, or I loose my cool and blow up.)
    Yet, it bothers me. I’d like to amputate her, or rather I wish she’d just go on with her life. I can’t tell if I wish this because I feel a form of “revenge”, or because she’s does actually get on my nerves VERY often (or perhaps both things are linked?).
    By now it’s become a problem – for me.
    Ah blessed ignorance, I didn’t know I’d been amputated. If only she’d kept by her original choice!

    Rachel said (paraphrase) : rejection is never about the person rejected … no matter how good the reason, it’s always about the person who rejects. I guess they were good reasons – to her.

  37. Ah, didn’t answet the question : what would I do?
    I’d let it be. If the person no longer wants to se me, so be it.
    I can’t change, they can’t change – what is there to do?

  38. Venus in Capricorn in the 12th. I might gently ask once if there was anything I had said that upset the person. If the answer is no and the distancing continues, I’d take that as the person being done.

  39. Depends on the nature of the friendship.

    Is it casual? Then I let that ship sail.

    Is it an enduring friendship (by enduring, I mean at least a decade or two long) marked by periods of silence only to pick up where you left off? Then I’m already used to it. Life gets in the way. (Now if it becomes too long or if I have a nagging suspicion something is wrong, then I will personally check in and make sure they’re okay and reconnect. I don’t have social media anymore.)

    As for close, daily, constant interaction type friendships, then I will worry at the first sign of pulling away. Like in a “have you been murdered/kidnapped/abducted by aliens?” kind of way. Only because of the aberration in behavior. If it’s not that, then I give them space to sort it out. Will I be hurt? Sure but tis is life. I’ll get over it. Now if it’s something I did, then I will apologize and let them decide to forgive me or not.

    I’m actually going through a friendship breakup now. I’ve been clinging to the corpse of an old friendship. I don’t know if it’s me or if it’s her but it seems more like her because I simply cannot tolerate her anymore. Saturn has been effing her sh*t up and making her harsh and a bit cruel. She’s been that way for awhile but it boiled to a head. I left our last discussion wishing she’d go home and punch herself in the face repeatedly until she became normal again. And now I have to deal with her regularly now. Yay. ? A year ago, I would have been elated to see her so often but now I’m strategizing on how to avoid her. If she asks why, I will tell her the truth but I don’t think she’s seeking that from me either. It’s all but dead and it’s been for awhile. I have plenty of other friendships to be nourished. ☺️

    Venus in Gemini conjunct Moon and trine Pluto.

  40. Venus conjunct Neptune 11th house Sag. (22 degrees) I’m always walking away. Depending on where the other person is on their journey, they either react or don’t. I can pick up the phone and start up where we left off after years of disconnection. No hard feelings ever. I feel I’m pretty clear when I meet people, this is my journey and I don’t always need company but please know it’s me, not you. Saturn in libra 8th house, I’m so glad you’re here, when are you leaving?!

  41. Unaspected Venus in 3rd house. Moon is there, too. My first inclination is to probe and figure out what went wrong but the best course is usually to let it alone. If people want to communicate, they will. There’s always the possibility they are waiting to see if someone cares enough to contact them but it seems mostly not to be the case. So, being inquisitive, I am left forever turning it over and over, wondering if I did something wrong, unable to let go mentally though the person in question might well think I’ve let them drop off the earth. I try to give people space because who really knows what is going on in their life. Usually, that means the friendship dies. It’s not too common for me but right now it’s happening with my in-laws due to an ugly divorce. People are mistrustful and licking their wounds. None of the people I long to help want anything to do with me. I feel like collateral damage, ha ha.

  42. If a close friend pulled away, I would question them as I’m straight forward and prefer to know the truth. I would not try to pull them back though. If they want to go, the door is open, I’m not going to force anyone to stay in my life. If a not so close friend pulled away, I would just let them go.

    Sagittarius Venus in the 5th house

    Venus conjunct Sun in Sagittarius
    Venus trine Jupiter in Leo
    Venus trine Midheaven in Aries

      • I probably wouldn’t be that blunt, but like ‘Did something happen?’

        I wouldn’t want to overwhelm them either.

  43. I have Venus in Virgo widely CJ Pluto, and trine Saturn. I have a huge stellium in scorpio too.

    I walk away. I may try to contact them once to be sure, but if they don’t respond, I mentally go over what it was that I could have done that made it happen, and then I just put it away and forget about it.

    I just don’t think that even if you went beck crying or begging or even with the facts out there that things would ever be the same. I just deal with it and move along with my life. I accept that they might believe something erroneous of me, or maybe they disapprove of something about me, and I say, “their loss”, and forget about it.

  44. My friendships always have a lot of space anyway so I don’t always notice. It’s kind of like “oh what happened to that person? I haven’t heard from them in a while.” An eleventh house stellium, I have.

  45. Nobody has ever pulled away from me but if they did, I would give them their space and let things flow. Any friend I’ve ever made is still in my life- some close to 30 years. I’ve had 2 fall outs but they came back and though the dynamics are a little different things are good. My Venus is in Gemini in the 3rd. It’s square Saturn, sextile Jupiter and trine my Aqua moon.

  46. i let the tides ebb and flow. i might drop a line every once in a while to let them know i’m thinking of them/making sure they’re ok, but i’d keep it light.
    8th aries venus. trine saturn and neptune. opposite pluto. inconjunct ascendant. trine-ish moon (7 degree orb)
    generally i feel people retreat because they need space. a change in energy. but sometimes it’s worth it to worry a little, because they may be isolating themselves in a pain fugue. which can become dangerous. sometimes i just get a feeling in my gut i need to reach out to someone. and in those cases i generally discover something like that going on.

  47. I was thinking about this today. Two casual friends who I met in a bus line on the commute home. We were super friendly at first. Laughed a lot, went to dinner a couple times, the movies. We seemed to be compatible. Then, one retired. I missed her a lot. We met up a couple more times for a movie or a coffee. She has a nephew she cares for so got very busy and ellnoff the map. The other would take my bus home but now after five trips seated together, takes another bus. Grant d the bus we took was a small piece of crap compared to the one we usually got in the a.m. Anyway, once in a Blue Moon hear from
    the first in a text she was thinking of me, hoped I was well. Then…nothing. For sometimes months. That does not bother me. She’s busy. I get it. The other… did I offend her and so she won’t take the bus I take, or dioes she just want space? I wonder but I would never invade their space to ask why. Just seems smothering. Venus in Capricorn in the second house. Moon/Pluto conj. In the 10th. Jupiter in Libra 11th. I make friends easy but they don’t always last.

  48. I am usually the one pulling away, but I leave them be and cut the ties. My Venus is in Scorpio conjuncting Jupiter and in opposition to Saturn. Pluto has a negative aspect to my Venus as well. My Venus is in my 9th house and it doesn’t really bother me to leave people behind.

  49. I used to hold on for dear life with my friends , and it has both caused grief in friendships and for my self worth. Some of those friendships has withstood that type of obsessive nature , but not before being completely wrecked and rebuilt. Now I just let people go off if they want to .It is easier for me to handle that I am meant to have intense but short friendships, and maybe 1 or 2 for life. Friendships need space too. I have Venus in Aries 10th house , trining Leo moon and uranus. Mars is in my 11th house.

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