I Want Love But Need Space in Relationships

Hi Elsa,

I have been going in and out of a relationship with a man that I’ve known for 4 years now. We are both very fond of each other, but we just can’t seem to get together. Every time we break up, something happens to bring us back together again… so it’s pretty obvious that someone, somewhere thinks that we should be together.

What’s going on?!
Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Someone up there thinks you should be together… are you sure? Maybe someone up there thinks you should be apart! This is what has manifested repeatedly, yes?

I don’t have his chart but I think you’ve got a hard-core dilemma in yours: The minute you’re in a relationship, you want freedom. Three minutes after you get your freedom, you want to commit again! ::shakes head::

I really don’t think it has any to do with this specific man. He probably has a similar setup in his chart, but this pattern is yours, it is not subtle and you’ll constellate it with any man you meet.

With Uranus tied up with Venus, you want love without rules and restrictions. You have that same Venus tied up with Saturn which is driven to commit and be responsible in love. I think you’ll feel bereft without a relationship, so put that in your hopper as well. But you’ll never be rid of your urge towards independence and you’re just going to have to come to terms with this.

If you do come to terms, you can begin to communicate honestly with someone – perhaps this man. If you tell yourself the truth, it becomes possible to expose yourself to another and at that point, you just might get your needs met. And what are your needs?  You need a committed partner who gives you lots of space. You don’t want him breathing down your neck every second.

If you think about this, you’ll see this is what you have with this man. It could be a lot cleaner though, so this is my advice: tidy up.

Good luck!

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Comments

I Want Love But Need Space in Relationships — 15 Comments

  1. Thank you for this Elsa. It was as if this was written for me as well…add my 8th house Venus in Gemini to the above…It makes sense, and I have a little tidying of my own to take care of. 🙂

  2. I have Venus/Uranus, Venus/Saturn add Pluto in the 8th goin’ on. Sigh. He has Venus/Saturn and we both have Venus/Chiron – all oppositions and squares. We’re old farts so hopefully we can keep it together, honor our mutual need for time apart and not get lost or forget what we have with all of our Neptune. Double sigh.

  3. As anyone who has followed my post will guess, this really speaks to me.

    I can only say that since I’ve started using astrology for advice over the last few months, which has given me enormous insight into what in my lover’s chart drives him to act in a certain way, it’s made the whole deal a lot easier to handle. The fact I have a strong need for my own space too does help of course – though it’s not so strong in my chart as his, where it’s overwhelming

    In such cases, looking into a chart is so much more help than just talking to friends, who bring their own expectations to the table: “Don’t let him get away with it”, “You have to make him see that you…”, “You have to confron t him aobut…”, “He’s just using you”, etc etc.

    All those things MAY be true, but there may be something else going on here – and I only tend to discuss the problem bits anyway so their view is necessarily more negative than the whole picture.

    I don’t want advice to help me give him up dammit – I want advice which will help me to see clearly who and what he is, what in our relationship could be changed, how to approach that with some hope of success – and how to handle what can’t be changed.

  4. it’s taken soo long and a lot of pain to realize this what you so smartly sum up… i have leo mars, venus & uranus conjunct leo rising, trine sag saturn, square my 4H scorpio moon & then a 12H cancer sun. I crave deep intimacy but want a lot of freedom, takes someone equally complicated to understand my need to NOT be micromanaged and have ‘space’ Alas, I have not yet found him… prior to astrology, i did not really understand duality about myself. Therapy helped a bit but astrology really clearly made me understand this about myself.

    Elsa, you are a marvel!

  5. Venus sq Saturn, yes but a nice semi-sextile Venus to Sun/Merc and then Venus quintile Uranus and Pluto. Yes, I crave deep connective relationship but cannot bear micromanagement. I’m still looking …

  6. I was looking at the actual planets, thinking I don’t have Venus tied up with Uranus but then it dawned on me… I have Venus in Aquarius. Duh! Silly me. Love without rules and restrictions… yep… I can relate to that.

  7. Oh and, to add to that, the Scorpio I’ve been seeing off and on for the last 4½ years (but we aren’t in a relationship) has his Scorpio Venus in the 11th house. He gets too emotionally involved for his own liking and runs but keeps coming back time after time… and I really don’t mind.

  8. I wish I had understood this when I was young! It would have saved me a lot! I finally know myself! 🙂 It’s okay now.

  9. Funny, it was the first thing that came to my mind – maybe they SHOULDN’T be together.
    Great way you explained the person’s push-pull feeling.
    I also think that upbringing or social pressure promotes the idea that being together necessaily means being together all the time, but it’s sometimes not a good idea. An option, not an obligation.

  10. My Asc is in Aquarius. I’m a freedom lover.

    But my Saturn is in the 8th house, loving commitment, together with Pluto, which is creating havoc as he is conjunct Saturn. When these buddies clash with my love of freedom (read: Fear of being tied down) it leads to pain.

    My partnership-oriented Libra moon in 8th house crave deep intimacy and sexual connection. But you can’t have that without at least SOME coming together. And when I do find a man I am sexually turned on by, I am in the danger of loosing myself. Oh, and it’s tied up with Mars, so temper is my middle name. Blow-up temper that is, as Mars is hidden close to the 12th.

    My Venus is in Scorpio too, but in the 9th house, so she is Sag flavoured. She thinks big, love openly and naive, high hopes and dreams that comes crashing every single bluidy time I find someone. Trust is a pretty big issue. A shitty childhood does not make it easier to loose your guarded fences when meeting someone.

    I have always put my Asc up front when meeting someone, all my bubbly charm – and intensity! – comes forth. It’s a alluring mix, I guess, and thus they want me. Then my commitment phobe comes up, pulling back.

    Sigh. This can’t end well, sings Chiron from the opposition to Venus and nope – it usually doesn’t. Relationships = pain because of loosing someone. Scorpio’s worst nightmare.

  11. She sounds like me. I have a Uranus signature in my chart with a Venus-Saturn square. Need a committed relationship with lots of room to breathe and space to grow as individuals. And it CAN happen. It happened for me. But Elsa’s right. She has to make it clear upfront what her needs are. Uranus rules Aquarius, which is a fixed sign. Aquarian relationships can work with patience and mutual respect.

    • You are preaching to the choir, Primrose! I am an Aquarius Rising with a 7H Virgo Venus squaring my 11H Sagittarius Saturn. I voluntarily (4H Gemini Mars trine 8H Libra Sun) surrender too much of my power (7H Virgo Pluto) in personal relationships then I blame them! Duh!! Look in the mirror!!

  12. This is the story of my (love) life. Seriously… I too have Venus (and Sun) square both Uranus and Saturn in freedom loving Sagittarius. I want love and closeness but I also need a lot of space and time to do my own things. I think I’ve learned to strike a better balance though as I’ve gotten older and learned more about myself, because when you have both influences you really can’t be happy just being on one side of fence or letting go of relationships altogether. Otherwise, it will always feel like something is missing. Space is something that can be compromised.

  13. That’s what I got – a committed relationship with a lot of space – after years of not realizing what I really wanted.

    I have a Virgo Venus, Virgo being another sign that wants its space, tied up with Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto! Talk about clashing needs! In addition to all that, Venus-ruled Jupiter (Libra) is on my DSC.

    I married a guy with a Sag Venus, who is happy with his space and happy to give me my own. We’re together 23 years in the fall.

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