Want a Happy Relationship? Remove Pressure!

pressure bomb

Ah yes, the recipe for a great relationship

One pattern I see constellate over and over in consultations has to do with pressure.

Invariably, one person will want something from the other, whether it be more sex, affection, conversation, whatever. And in order to get that, they push. They ask. They wheedle. They whine. They make it a constant campaign that permeates every inch of the relationship. And the other person shrinks away and withdraws.

So then they to look for little ways to get what they want anyway. If they want more sex, maybe they start cuddling or kissing more, setting up date nights or scheduling “couple time.” But the partner knows all that is just code for “more sex” and withdraws even more. Not to mention, now the cuddles and kisses have become tainted with expectation, which people can smell from a mile away.

When this comes up, there is inevitably a nasty Saturn or Pluto aspect in synastry. One partner trying to control the other. But here’s the thing – that kind of pressure never works. Further, there are better ways to use that energy. Saturn can support and Pluto can feed.

So if you want more from your partner, remove the pressure! Instead, support them and help feed their energy with yours, and watch them come around like magic. And if all else fails, support and feed yourself! Give them space to navigate whatever it is they’re going through and stop setting them up to fail. Let them come to you!

Have you seen this cycle play out? How did it end?

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Want a Happy Relationship? Remove Pressure! — 16 Comments

  1. That’s timely. It’s really hard to control the need for certain things or accept you’ll never get it. Things you feel abandoned without.b

    You’re also supposed to remove the pressure to define the relationship or find out how the person feels about you? L

    • I think you have a right to not be strung along, and a frank conversation isn’t out of bounds.

      But I also think part of what is important about removing pressure is that it takes the focus away from the other person’s actions and allows you to focus on yourself. Then you can decide what you can tolerate and what you can’t.

        • The people I have been hanging out with are so refreshingly not about men and all those dating dances. I looked back at those old sad websites ‘when men pull away’.. notice they’re only created by women from this country. Guessing at what men do and why.

          I don’t wanna worry about this shit. But I feel so damn inadequate. And I tell myself I can’t control anyone’s emotions. Mine or anyone’s. The other side of the coin is in relationships I’m always running after the person then away.. obsessively clinging then distant and ashamed of my distance. I don’t know if my Venus mars opposition is the culprit or my fear of lack of affect.. fuck. Idk if it’s ego that causes my permanent roiling.. mostly caused by this Pluto transit. I prefer it to Neptune bringing back all the ghosts of my dumb jealous stupid ego.

  2. Ha!
    Going through this myself right now!

    Unfortunately I am not a very patient person. I definitely try to control the outcome in relationships (Saturn and Pluto in Libra) which always end up giving me heartache.
    Should be older and wiser, but the pathology is darn difficult to let go of. Controlling behaviour seldom gets you anywhere, but letting go of it is also very frightening.

    You have to find ways to let go of the outcome and ask yourself:
    Is this longing for SOMETHING?
    Or is this longing for the longing ITSELF?

    If it’s the first I try to see if this is an unmet need from childhood and then find ways to soothe myself and feel loved and cherished by my own things. Usually it’s never about the other person who should give it to you – usually it’s about how you have neglected to nourish yourself before anyone else. Often these things calm down and the self love frees up your love for the other person.

    If it’s all about the longing itself, it’s a Neptune/Venus thing and you have work to do on YOU. You need to realize nothing is perfect, but it’s perfect just ‘as is’ (that is the hard part, I think). Hard realisations isn’t pretty, but on the other hand, I have to accept that love can’t always be an idealistic fairy tale like thing. Love is a choice sometimes, as trust is.

    • I love that. Learning reflection and self-soothing rather than automatic projection is the lesson of a lifetime, but so valuable.

      • I agree!
        But self reflection can be harder than cracking a nut between your thighs sometimes 🙈

        I have Chiron opposite Sun-Venus-Jupiter conjunct in Scorpio, so the projections usually bites me in the butt, and oftentimes it takes a good two or three hours of bitching about the other person (depending on the issue) before I stop myself and realize I am only protecting myself from the pain and that I need to bring the focus back into my own drama and unhealed, unmet needs. My mother’s Moon and Sun is conjunct my Chiron (which is also conjunct star Algol) so you can probably imagine how I’m not able to “just snap out of it”. The pain goes SOOOO deep.

        But it’s still so frustrating to do time and time again, why can’t I just frigging learn the signs LOL?! 😉

        • Wowww that’s a tough gig Anette.

          There’s this podcast I listen to called You’ll Do from BBC 4 which is about the reality of relationships. It talks about the snags people hit in longterm relationships. Also I love to listen to people get therapy for some reason. Especially when I’m in a shitty mood. I have a progressed Libra moon. I’ve been listening to Esther Perel’s Where Should We Begin and also Motherhood sessions. Because I’m always interested in child psychology and mother and daughter relationships. Granted this one, unlike my usual, is from a mother’s perspective.

          What follows is probably me projecting or saying useless shit..

          What house does your stellium fall in? Chiron in Taurus is probably tough on the self worth. Was it as painful for you when you were single?

          I’m the queen of ‘the best defense is a good offense.’ idk if that’s projecting.

          What do you do for a living? I know I’m being a backseat driving cookbooker, but just from this you’d probably make a decent therapist, motivational coach/speaker or playwright or something yourself. I have Sun/Chiron/Lilith in the 5th so I find it hard to shine.

        • I think with Chiron we often tend to turn away from the work that it calls for. I don’t share my writing, consider myself uncreative, and avoid the spotlight out of my own safety (5th house Chiron.)

          What kind of stuff do you engage in to distract yourself from these issues or siphon off the pain and awkwardness?

          I usually rely on others to be the ‘mouthpieces’ and define and validate my pain so I’m into a litany of podcasts depending on my issues and mood.

  3. I am a person who grows and changes. Men in my life wanted the same as when we met. So my growth had them moving on to someone who was like me when we met. Never met one who could make it through my changes. It is better we parted ways. Better than the hangers on who punished me for it.

    My parents were married for over 65 years at the time of the death do them parted. My father was failing physically and mother was struggling to keep her grip on some semblence of the physical world. A few days before his death, we were at the lunch table and he looked over at her shovelling food into her mouth, and said ‘a person sure goes through alot of changes in a lifetime.’ I asked him what he meant and he replied that he did not know if I could understand.

    I never heard them make demands on each other, but they did shape each other’s lives. There is a magic in that. And yet, I know she gave up alot for him. Born in the late 1950s and with the changes the 60s brought I could forge my own way. But somehow I felt the men my age for the most part did not segway so well. They still expect the traditional, but with the benefit of my paycheck. And maybe women are still expecting some of that old traditional too. I think those changes are still being hashed out in relationships.

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