Voice Of Saturn Square The Moon… Goddess Speaks

cfMom, frequent commenter, step parenting specialist, low carb eater and long term supporter of the Elsa blog, “goddess” aka Dixie Vogel writes:

All this talk of Saturn had me dividing the ages by 7 to if certain events in my life were hit by Saturn energy…And sure enough, Saturn had his “time-to-grow-up-Honey” hand in the pot many times over. My Saturn energy is tied up a lot in parenting. With a square to my moon, I guess you could say I’ve got Saturn Mommy Issues.

Starting with my own Mom, appropriately enough. She was a kid who couldn’t wait to grow up and, Bam! She did it triple-time. She hung out in bars at 14, having faked her birth certificate to get an ID. My mom got married at 14, and had her first child at 15. She was overweight, and married the first guy that seemed interested. She was in a hurry to grow up and get out of the house.

It didn’t meet her expectations. Go figure. Mom describes her first husband not-so-fondly as “the Cheapest Man Alive.” (Only not anymore. “Cheapest Man Dead,” maybe?) See, he didn’t want to buy her a dress. She had one dress. And he said since she had one perfectly good dress, why should she have another? So my mom washed her one dress over and over again. Here was a child, looking after an infant, having to wait around in a slip every day while she washer her only dress. Her mother had taught her that you could be poor, but there was no excuse to be dirty, after all. That’s an overdose of reality if ever there was one. By the time she hit 16, she was divorced and remarried to my Dad. He was a much nicer Saturn figure, at nine years her senior.

Anyway, Mom had me on her own Saturn return. I was definitely not planned. I know Mom loved me, and still does, but she resented me, too. I mean, C’mon! She’d been having babies since she was 15, for God’s sakes! Her youngest was 5 at the time, his brother was 6, the oldest a teenager by then. What on Earth would she want another kid for? Mom used to threaten to run away from home. Regularly. When I was little, I’d brightly ask if I could go with her, and she’d usually laugh. I never got the joke…didn’t realize at the time that I was the root of her desire to escape. I was a little Saturn Return Restriction.

step-family.jpgAnd for me? For my early twenties, Saturn brought me kids, too–a mess of them! I’d never wanted to be a mom at all. When the subject of children came up, I had my favorite line: “Children are no good until they’re old enough to threaten.” I meant it, more or less. I didn’t like kids. I don’t know if my biological clock would have disturbed me later in life, but it didn’t get the chance. At 22, I was pregnant and married a man with custody of his two children. I was senselessly in love with him, or I’d never have gone for it! I went from a single person to a married mother-of-three within the span of a month. And all this committing was in the middle of the first in a series of custody hearings, thank you very much. That’s a good way to learn about growing up, too, let me tell ya.

And when I was 28…well, that’s when we lost custody of my husband’s two kids in the third custody hearing…kids whom by then I had spent several years mothering and loved dearly. I believed they were going to a crazy, violent environment. I knew in my gut we would not be allowed to see them once the scrutiny of the court wasn’t pushing visitation. And the kicker? My stepdaughter, at 8, helped orchestrate it on the sly. In court, we heard a school paper called “The Greatest Day of My Life about her leaving. Ow. We got a letter from her about how she wanted her new stepfather to adopt her because she didn’t want to be in our family any more.Ow. Knowing it wasn’t really coming from her only helped slightly.

I was devastated. We were all devastated Overnight, half of our family disappeared; my 4-year-old started having nightmares. It hit us all, and hard.

True to my prediction, the kids were moved out of state and kept from all contact with us. Saturn + Pisces = family disappearing and reappearing acts. (I have also experienced the disappearing family phenomena with three brothers, who still don’t speak to me because of religious differences.) The separation from my stepkids lasted exactly seven years.

They also reappeared again, pretty much overnight. We got a call late one Fourth of July from our stepdaughter totally out of the blue. And we had a brief chance to connect with our stepson during that time, until he disappeared again.

My stepdaughter ended up moving in with us, and that was a wild ride! Her affection for us came and went in unpredictable cycles and, as far as I can determine, still does. Whether we’re in contact with her at a given time or not, sometimes she’s emotionally present, and other times, any interaction has simply become a vehicle to get something from us. At times the relationship went beyond stormy to being a major disruption in our lives, and at certain points, we’ve had to completely detach to keep from being pulled under. So you’ve got Saturn and Pisces, service and suffering, tied up with emotional, maternal moon energy. Many tears have been cried, you know?

Now? Well, I’m 42. Uh oh. My stepson has again disappeared recently, angry over something, but I have no idea what. He’s twenty. Wonder if he’ll be gone until his Saturn return?

My stepdaugher, who has disappeared and reappeared so many times I’ve lost count, is in a “reappearing” phase and wants to be my best buddy. The hot and cold has been excruciating. So I’m trying to figure out how to balance my feelings for her, and about what parenting means, and all the pain we’ve been through–substantial–and my need to protect my own and my family’s happiness and safety. All of this is mixed up together in one big emotional stew. I mean, parents try to help their kids. That’s what we do. But we are not bottomless wells of resources without feelings. I love my children dearly and have happily sacrificed for them in many ways. But I won’t sacrifice my well being to go down for or with a kid when it serves no one.

I suspect answering some of these questions are the job of my current Saturn cycle. Not fun, but necessary, I guess. But I’m hoping it won’t be that bad…I’m more than happy to act like a grownup, after all. I really am! And I will, too…once I figure out exactly what a grownup would do in my shoes, that is.

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Voice Of Saturn Square The Moon… Goddess Speaks — 17 Comments

  1. I have Saturn in Pisces too in the fourth house no less and have had similar experiences with my own family. I think it’s a really tough one to understand much less live with. My 16 year old son is currently avoiding coming to my house in favor of his dad’s more indulgent household.

  2. >So I’m trying to figure out how to balance my feelings for her, and about what parenting means, and all the pain we’ve been through–substantial–and my need to protect my own and my family’s happiness and safety. All of this is mixed up together in one big emotional stew. I mean, parents try to help their kids. That’s what we do. But we are not bottomless wells of resources without feelings. I love my children dearly and have happily sacrificed for them in many ways. But I won’t sacrifice my well being to go down for or with a kid when it serves no one.

    Wow, yeah. This is heavy stuff. During my Saturn Return (Leo) I went through a very similar emotional process involving my autistic stepdaughter and trying to integrate her and her needs into the family.

    >…I’m more than happy to act like a grownup, after all. I really am! And I will, too…once I figure out exactly what a grownup would do in my shoes, that is.

    Right. This is so spot-on.
    What does a grown up do. . .

    Thanks for sharing your story, Goddess. <3

  3. Moon-Saturn conjunct here, with saturn transiting in opposition. This text was so enlightening to me! My twin sons have turned 18 last year, and I feel an instoppable urge to strip off maternal responsibility in spite of turns of heartbreak. Feels like I subconsciously was forced to “suffer from being tied down” like my own mother, and while I myself found it a lot easier to sacrifice and do duty (my mother´s moon is in acquarius, mine in pisces), I watch myself whine and get angry like she did. Heavy stuff.

    My sons are experiencing a Uranus transit opposing Mars. One transcends it, the other is just an unbearable pain in the ass right now. Scorpio moons, by the way.

    I love the last sentence… can relate to it very well, only i don´t feel grown up at all. It´s more like I had to play grown up for those last 18 years and now just want to quit that role. “Fight for freedom” – Saturn transit conjunct Uranus coming up.

    Thanks a lot, Dixie Jones, and thumbs up!

    Kundrie

  4. Goddess that is a serious Saturn order! I’m glad you are emotionally present; that helps I’m sure. I instantly thought of my mum when I read ‘you may be poor but there’s no excuse to be dirty.’ We were poor growing up, but nothing as poor as my mum.:(

    She was fanatical about keeping us clean–and has Moon square Saturn as well.

  5. Lupa-I wouldn’t be surpised if your experiences were very similar to mine. My saturn in Pisces is in the 7th. The best form of relief I’ve found when relationships are challenging is from working on detachment, Zen, and transcending. I’ve had to actively learn to NOT to use assistance as a way to control and how to set and maintain solid boundaries so as not to serve myself up as victim, either. At times, there are drives to do both.

    Kundrie-My biological daughter is a Scorp moon with a strong 8th house. I’ve learned to give her LOTS of space and recognize the fact that she sometimes enjoys her emotional stewing, as much as I wouldn’t. So how would it be my right to interfere? 🙂 I don’t identify a lot with Saturn energy, but I know I’ve got it. I identify with my Virgo and project my Pisces. Ha!

    Deirdre-I was definitely hit with Saturn-Neptune over the last couple of years, yes. While I hadn’t connected it to this astro-cycle, it definitely fits like a glove. Much of it came in the form of relationship issues with my SD, and yes, boundaries being set, re-set, and enforced were a major part of this. She no longer lives with us, nor will she in the future, as that is now a hard boundary. I don’t feel bad about it, because it’s better for everyone. She will be hitting her own Saturn return a few years from now.

    And I thank you for your well wishes and your mountain idea. That’s very nice. I dunno if things will ever be that way with my family. The one thing I have picked up, though, through this all, is the ability to live happily with the ambiguity and understand that my kids could grow up to be really cool people that we have a solid, rewarding relationship with, or not. The choice is theirs and I will be fine either way.

  6. Greetings Goddess,
    I was wondering if 2006 – 2007 was particularly weird because that was a Saturn-Neptune oppostion era. That was a long, Saturn-challenged time, where just as we had the structure going it kind of sank in a marsh or something. I think the fog is still lifting on that one.
    As the next years go by and we gather strength from the Saturn – Pluto trine, I think we Saturn types will grow strong. One of the great things about Saturn, as you pointed out, is that Saturn likes growing up the older Saturn gets. My key word would be boundaries, good and bad. Who ever can pitch in emotionally and financially is in under your roof, just like a fact. sometimes there are people we love who cant pitch in. Thats when they need more time (Saturn) to get their wings. I think when kids crash here and then there its a desperate looking for boundaries situation, my sister used to do this with my Dad and his wife, ping-ponging between them and my mom.
    What about you and your husband having some long term goals (Saturn). Maybe the patchwork will be invited every year for a week at a mountain and all patchworks will be invited. That way you invent some new rituals and its your way of saying we are all one. Anyway I have no idea if this is age or finance-appropriate advice, but it just came to my mind, so I wrote it. I learned a lot from what you wrote from your Saturn research, and I wish your whole family unconditional love, wings to fly, and the security of belonging together.

  7. The Reader’s Digest version is: No, I was not able to find a balance I felt good about. I did make a decision that I could actually *live* with though, because it came down to that.

    Saturn Leo in 4th house, I take nothing more seriously than responsibility for my children. The situation with my stepdaughter was *highly* complicated by her autism and the *extreme* value differences between her two homes.

    I went into the situation (love, marriage, step-parenting special needs child) thinking that everyone involved would be able to transcend the problems and everything would be be okay (Venus trine Neptune). Not the case.

    The whole ordeal opened up my home to some very negative energy that I was not prepared to deal with in reality for long-term. I spent most of my SR trying to do the “right” thing by making it work with my own unhappiness dramatically increasing by the day. I ended up amputating the situation because if I didn’t I was going to go down with my stepdaughter and take my own children with me.

    It feels unresolved to me still, but I have made as much peace about it as I can right now. I am raising two sensitive, loving daughters whose charts say they are going to have to pick up these pieces some day.

  8. “I went into the situation (love, marriage, step-parenting special needs child) thinking that everyone involved would be able to transcend the problems and everything would be be okay (Venus trine Neptune).”

    What? You mean love doesn’t solve every problem? Since you and hubby love each other, that didn’t make you all just one big, happy family?! <<-this is a steparenting joke.

    */tosses back hair and laughes heartily*/

    heather, i totally hear you. keep it on the Zen and understand your decision not to go down with the ship was wise, because your going down serves no one. much love out to you, from one stepmom who could not fix the world for her kids to another.

  9. Goddess, I bow my head in admiration to you. Really glad to have met you in here!

    “Identify with virgo and project pisces” *lol*.

    I´ll keep the stewing part in mind when my son whines his song on me next time ;-)…thanks!

    Love, Kundrie

  10. Goddess, I’m really good at detaching and transcending. 12th house moon and Gemini sun get credit there. I sometimes fear that I should have fought harder for my son’s sake but I always chose to limit the battles with my ex as much as possible. I wonder if my son has suffered unnecessarily because his dad’s influence was more prominent as a result. I have always believed that my children would grow to appreciate my choices and understand that every single decision I’ve made has been with a great deal of thought (aka mental anguish) and love. My daughter on the other hand has thrived and sees through her dad’s bullshit. So she helps balance out my self doubt as does my littlest son who is six and just the happiest and most well adjusted little guy.

  11. Aww..Goddess, that’s some story.How have you stayed on an even keel? How do you detach from the gut wrenching emotional stuff of which these bonds are made? Thank you for sharing this thought provoking post, which I bet will resonate with quite a few folk who don’t have the courage to open up here…simply because parenting issues are so sensitive.
    Just wondering, over a year later,and in view of the powerful Saturn/Uranus opposition having dominated a lot of the interim phase ( thinking that Saturn and Uranus tussles can be about parent/adult(ish) child struggles) how are things with you now, Goddess?

  12. ps well done Lupa on the transcending you always seem caring and nurturing..as does Goddess.. if I recall both you and Goddess have Gemini…maybe that helps the thought process not to get too stuck down there in the murky manipulative realms of Plutonic issues?

  13. awww…thank you ladies! i was surprised to see this post pop up again. 🙂 kash, right back atcha!

    lindi, i do have a gemini moon, yeah. sometimes i intellectualize my way to a little extra zen.

    saturn-uranus in general is highly jarring for me because it triggers my whole chart pretty much. as far as parenting, well, saturn squares my moon in the 7th. so it’s definitely there.

    but the parenting issues have not been harder during that time. if anything, easier, mainly because i had to set more boundaries in order to keep from getting pulled under.

    my relationship with my stepkids is nebulous to nonexistant, depending on the day, and yeah, that’s still a source of sadness to some degree. but they are adults now, and i would never dream of not respecting their wishes to live their own life, even if i’d prefer something that more consistently included the rest of us in a more predictable, positive way.

    basically, i can mostly let it go because i know i did the best i could for them and i continue to wish them well from my heart, whether or not we have ongoing contact or what the daily trust (distrust?) level is. y’kno?

  14. Goddess, y’kno wot? I do know!!! The Saturn Uranus phase has given me and mine plenty of positive understanding too, and I have natal Moon opp Saturn square Uranus.. so yep,I hear you! Well done you. I love Gemini Moons, they drive me nuts, but I love, love em!

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