It’s been ten days since I took steps that would lead me back to the margins of life. I am not sure I was ever meant to be part of the fabric. But somehow I got pulled in from my fringe position.
It’s been a rough ride getting back. It’s been painful for me, but there’s plenty of pain to go around. No one understands why I’ve pulled away. I’m like their great hope, leaving the building. I am candid person and I’d be glad to tell them, but I can’t!
“Are you mad?”
“Well, yeah. I am mad. I’m pretty damned irritated but that’s not the reason I am pulling out.”
I have explained as well as humanly possible, any irritation I feel is minutiae up against what I have to deal with today and in the foreseeable future. I am talking, three, five, eight years…? Something like that. “I would tell you if I could. You’ll eventually find out, but I can’t tell you today, I just can’t.”
Well that’s not good enough. It’s not satisfying and I understand. But there is such a thing as faith. There is such a thing as giving a person, who you know is decent, the benefit of the doubt. But this is hard to do,
Even if you want to do it, good luck. Everyone around you wants to gossip. They can’t believe the truth I told them so it must be something else. I must be lying or covering something up.
I am covering something up. But it’s PERSONAL. Personal to me and not to the people who feel let down by me.
I feel like a star quarterback who had to quit the team because seriously, he had to quit the team.
“But you play so well!”
Yes! I know. But I also know I can’t play anymore, even if you don’t know why that is.
“What should I tell him?” I asked a friend who is tracking this and knows the facts. I was talking about the man who told me he would be disappointed in me if I withdrew, not understanding I was already gone.
She didn’t know.
“Maybe I’ll tell him, hey! I would like to go waterskiing but I can’t! I would love to go waterskiing, but I can do that right now, even if I want to and I’m good at it and I love sun and water in my hair. Does that make it more understandable? You don’t get to do things, just because you’re good at them. It’s really got nothing to do with what you’re called to do on any given day…”
I quit my committee. I know they will discuss this at the next meeting. Each person will speculate why I’m not there. I’ve been told it will probably wind up, I’m seen as “high strung”.
I just shake my head. Motherfuckers are so wrong about so much. But I see now, life is an illusion / delusion and then you die. And you leave an illusion / delusion behind as well.
A person should really be careful in the “reality” they invest in. But I think it’s too much trouble to be careful.
My problem now, is I have no problem with the people I’ve had to pull away from. I don’t dislike them. In fact, I like a lot of them a lot.
But I still can’t be their hero. I’ve been called to serve in another arena. This is true whether you can see it or not.
Saturn in the 12th house.
Can anyone understand? They liked me in their group. They like to eat scones! But I can’t do that anymore. Tragedy had struck and it struck me.
And that gives me an idea.
You can have a beautiful tree in your yard. Let’s say it gets hit by lightning. What are you going to do? Try to talk it into to being what it was?
It’s insane, really. I may as well be lying in a coffin. People gather around and say, “Maybe she left because of what X said or Y did.”
There is nothing I can do about it. I’m in the coffin, remember? It’s not that pleasant, because I can’t talk back,
I’m going to be around this blog a lot more now. Saturn changing signs.