Update On My Journey Back To Rough Edges Of Life

It’s been ten days since I took steps that would lead me back to the margins of life. I am not sure I was ever meant to be part of the fabric. But somehow I got pulled in from my fringe position.

It’s been a rough ride getting back. It’s been painful for me, but there’s plenty of pain to go around. No one understands why I’ve pulled away. I’m like their great hope, leaving the building. I am candid person and I’d be glad to tell them, but I can’t!

“Are you mad?”

“Well, yeah. I am mad. I’m pretty damned irritated but that’s not the reason I am pulling out.”

I have explained as well as humanly possible, any irritation I feel is minutiae up against what I have to deal with today and in the foreseeable future. I am talking, three, five, eight years…?  Something like that. “I would tell you if I could. You’ll eventually find out, but I can’t tell you today, I just can’t.”

Well that’s not good enough. It’s not satisfying and I understand. But there is such a thing as faith. There is such a thing as giving a person, who you know is decent, the benefit of the doubt.  But this is hard to do,

Even if you want to do it, good luck. Everyone around you wants to gossip. They can’t believe the truth I told them so it must be something else. I must be lying or covering something up.

I am covering something up. But it’s PERSONAL. Personal to me and not to the people who feel let down by me.

I feel like a star quarterback who had to quit the team because seriously, he had to quit the team.

“But you play so well!”

Yes! I know. But I also know I can’t play anymore, even if you don’t know why that is.

“What should I tell him?” I asked a friend who is tracking this and knows the facts. I was talking about the man who told me he would be disappointed in me if I withdrew, not understanding I was already gone.

She didn’t know.

“Maybe I’ll tell him, hey! I would like to go waterskiing but I can’t! I would love to go waterskiing, but I can do that right now, even if I want to and I’m good at it and I love sun and water in my hair.  Does that make it more understandable? You don’t get to do things, just because you’re good at them. It’s really got nothing to do with what you’re called to do on any given day…”

Weird, huh?

I quit my committee. I know they will discuss this at the next meeting. Each person will speculate why I’m not there. I’ve been told it will probably wind up, I’m seen as “high strung”.

I just shake my head.  Motherfuckers are so wrong about so much. But I see now, life is an illusion / delusion and then you die.  And you leave an illusion / delusion behind as well.

A person should really be careful in the “reality” they invest in.  But I think it’s too much trouble to be careful.

My problem now, is I have no problem with the people I’ve had to pull away from. I don’t dislike them. In fact, I like a lot of them a lot.

But I still can’t be their hero. I’ve been called to serve in another arena. This is true whether you can see it or not.

Saturn in the 12th house.

Can anyone understand? They liked me in their group. They like to eat scones! But I can’t do that anymore. Tragedy had struck and it struck me.

And that gives me an idea.

You can have a beautiful tree in your yard.  Let’s say it gets hit by lightning. What are you going to do? Try to talk it into to being what it was?

It’s insane, really. I may as well be lying in a coffin. People gather around and say, “Maybe she left because of what X said or Y did.”

There is nothing I can do about it. I’m in the coffin, remember? It’s not that pleasant, because I can’t talk back,

I’m going to be around this blog a lot more now. Saturn changing signs.

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Update On My Journey Back To Rough Edges Of Life — 26 Comments

  1. I know a chick whose progressed saturn is almost conjunct her ascendant and then will be progressing her 12th house for the rest of her life, im not expecting good things at all

    • I getcha. I’m not like that though. I will always find good and even happy, in the biggest pile of shit on the planet. I just can’t get to the lake is all! 🙂

      Prison.

    • Oh, no. Not at all!

      I was just telling someone today, if I am going to be in this circumstance, I will at least please, God. I will be able to do that. I will have this option.

      Which is a strong factor here.

      See…when you’re involved, working with others, then a lot of energy is spent trying to get along. It can be a real burden. It can also be very confusing (for Venus Neptune) who the real problem is or the real victim.

      This is a straightforward sacrifice. If you think in terms of God, or Catholicism, suffering on this plane is a gift.

      I can understand this. More that that, actually. I can see it, smell it and touch it.

      I can see that everything that happens to me is a grace in some way. So I can accept it. I don’t need a rail against God, phase. I did that when I was eight years old and somehow this resolved it for me.

  2. When I was younger, I used to be pretty meddling; I always wanted to know the reason behind every behavior. As I was getting older, I learned to leave people alone and be with them, even though it bothered me to not know. But after a period of prolonged suffering last year, I think I’ve let it go. There’s no point in scrutinizing; if someone wants to tell you his reasons, he will, else he won’t. But his pain is still very real. And he could use a support very much.

  3. I’m not sure I understand what this blog is about but where lightning and oak trees are concerned, the tree that gets struck often has a rip down the side of it that then opens up the tree and allows it to hollow faster so that the tree becomes more like a cylinder. Many of the most ancient oak trees are hollow.
    Although initially compromised, a hollow oak tree is often much less inclined to get blown over.

  4. What does it feel like to have both pluto and saturn in your 12th?
    It feels like a lot
    I think i understand on a basic level why you withdrew

  5. Elsa, I don’t presume to understand where you’re coming from, but I think I understand where you’re coming from.
    ‘A person should really be careful in the “reality” they invest in. But I think it’s too much trouble to be careful.’ Truth statement of the day.

  6. There are many things in my life I’ve moved on from. I invested heavily in them. Gave my all. Then one day I realised it was time to move on. So I did because I knew it was time.

    I’ve never thought of myself as being so important that I was unreplaceable. Because I’m not. I may have a lot of good stuff to contribute but things rarely fall apart just because one person leaves. And I always justified with “there’s lots of other people involved in this project, it’s an opportunity for them to step up and contribute”.

    More importantly though, once my fire is extinguished on something I have no motivation to continue with it. I will see out any obligations I have but after that I find it easy to say “no”.

    Nothing in life is permanent. We should all give the best we have in the moment and appreciate others for what they give. But then let stuff (and people) go when it’s time.

    • I agree. I am finishing up my commitments. I’ll be clear after next weekend.

      I don’t know about the future though. It’s like the Woman’s Club I used to be part of. I eventually became President, just because everyone who was actually equipped and qualified to be President, had aged out.

      That club has been in existence since 1923. It failed in 2014. Because people are on their phones and stuff. They’re not necessarily interested in groups.

      I think the local astrology clubs would be another example. The connection is virtual now…which is another reason people break away so easily.

      Anyway, in this case, I just have a situation now, that trumps everything. I’ve lost all power to negotiate and I’m forced to make decisions.

      It hit me a month ago…the committee takes the summer (two months) off. I realized I would very likely have to pull out, the next season.

      Next, it because obvious I would not be able to continue, so then it was not, “if”, but when.

      The “when” did come abruptly. It’s akin to deciding you have to cancel cable tv because you can’t afford it. You can do it in a month…or do it now. You might decide, as I did, to do it “now”, because the writing on the wall is upsetting. Why stare at it for a few more weeks?

      So I have commitments through Mother’s Day. I’m gettin’ it done and then hope to get back to the edges. It’s not a choice I am making here, as far as there actually being a choice.

  7. I so get you Elsa. I have 12th house natal saturn conjunct my moon and vesta square my natal merc in 8th house. I totally understand. I live as the only British national in my town, I live in Poland and I really don’t fit in alhtough this is my home and love so much about being here. But I don’t fit in (Chiron in pisces in 11th house. Transiting Chiron almost conjunct natal chiron!!!)- I feel it in every conversation, I speak unusually although fluent, I see how my accent causes pain for some people as they try to tolerate me speaking, other laugh as my mistakes or wrong use of phrases. My jokes are not always funny, my smile is irritating, – I come from a different culture. (Not everyone, of course) No one knows why I’m really here – they wouldn’t get it – it’s a 12th house thing. Some people get me – the priests – others just think I’m a maverick. Some love me, but they don’t get me – it wouldn’t make sense for them. I opted to suffer, I said yes, I have a son with leukehemia who also has Down’s syndrome and we ‘suffer’ because we are the odd couple – but we have so much love to give, ready to help whenever we can. We’ll visit you in the night if there’s a need, we’ll talk to you when others slide away. We’ll give you money when you don’t want to ask others and yes, of course you don’t have to give it back. We’ll keep your secrets, we’ll be there for your nephew’s baptism, your daughter’s wedding and your funeral AND we’ll remember you years later. Go with your truth Elsa, you won’t be able to live an illusion. I know this too, my family were so mad when I packed up and went to north east Poland to live. (over 25 years ago)”What for?” They said, “Why there? When everyone else is emigrating?” I know why. it’s true, it’s really cold, 100 km from Russia, I didn’t know the language or anything about the culture when I first came. I could write more. . . and when they ask me why I came? Who would believe me if I told them the truth? God told me to pack up and go! I certainly didn’t come for the weather, or the money. But this is my place! We live on the margins of our town, on the margin of our state and on the margin of Europe. I am a ‘margin-being’. I don’t mix well because I don’t fit in. But I love everyone, but I’ll never play their games, or join in their gossip. I want to help purely, uncondtionally, no strings and a lot of people feel uncomfortable with that. I don’t care, there’s no other way to live – only in truth, the TRUTH. You’re right Elsa, be careful where you invest your energy and be prepared to do u-turns if they contradict your truth. Be not afraid. Wishing you well Elsa, thank you for sharing so much, most of us aren’t brave enough to do that much.

    • Wow Jimmer, I have the same Chiron placement and I’m currently in the middle of my Chiron Return… I can soooo relate to your story! Thank you! >^..^<

  8. If life is for living then you are a clever human who knows that, one life Elsa, then its all finished, in the coffin, nailed down, in the furnace/ground and life should have no regretsHA ha. At the age of nearly 61(and, how the hell did that happen?) The egg timer is now really running out, do you have those in USA? I realise now that people always want the capable kind ones, because perhaps they are not. And, they ALWAYS find someone else, and then you don’t get a second thought.!!! My new mantra is try to do something for me every day, circumstances make that hard to do but, how and why did I let myself look after everyone else.? Perhaps its all a feeling of ego to be needed, I don’t know. You need to be you, and I want to be me, not what someone else wants. New trees grow from fallen acorns. Love to you Elsa, ps. I really like your blog and I am a grumpy, disgruntled old woman. Sometimes there is a feeling of kindness through the internet and that is marvellous. ps. I do like it when you swear, normal people do. Immense Good Luck to you.

  9. Yes!! Yes!! Yes!!

    Capricorn 12th House
    Natal: Moon, Sun, Mercury, Mars Sandwich
    Pluto & Saturn transits in effect

    I’m sitting on the bottom of the pool, 12 ft underwater. While people are standing on the ground above me. They keep shouting, I’m just sitting. I’m not hearing you because you can’t hear me. And even if you could hear me, are you really listening?

  10. Elsa,

    Whatever it is you are being called to do, I send love your way. It matters not to me what you do with that— you can refuse it, hang on to it, give it to someone else…. or save it for a rainy day when your prison feels so tight, all you need is breathing space.

    Peace to you….

  11. I have one more commitment to fulfil (which will take three in-person showings). But outside of that, I broke off a main branch today. I am now floating, directionless. Wherever the tide takes me, that is.

  12. thanks so much for sharing….I am a Capricorn with Saturn transits to my 12th house…All I think about is how I want to kill myself…I tell myself not long to go till change…Life is changes..so be it..hoping we all hang on for a while longer

  13. “You can have a beautiful tree in your yard. Let’s say it gets hit by lightning. What are you going to do? Try to talk it into being what it was?”

    Powerful image. I need to look at it until I arrive at the message I need right now.

    The coffin image is also very useful.

    Thank you for both. (That’s always been a favorite part of your writing for me – the images you leave us with.)

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