Single Mother Routinely Gets In Violent, Lousy Relationships

Aquarius Button

Dear Elsa,

I’ll come right to the point. I have been single all my life. I have been a single mother since 1982: my oldest child is 24 and my youngest is 5. My relationships always end and they have all been violent or unrequited/one sided. When will I ever meet a good man that wants to marry me? I’m getting desperate. I don’t want it to be like this but time is flying!

Aquarian

Dear Aquarian,

I’ll come right to the point as well. When you have a pattern in relationships that is this profound and longstanding, the chances that you are going to wake up one day to find it magically resolved is zero. You can compare it to being an alcoholic, or to being obese, or to being friendless, or to whatever. There is no passive solution to something like this. Life circumstances of this type only resolve when the person suffering commits to change and then follows through.

So you have two choices here. You can either leave things the way they are, or you can be a hero, willing to fight for a better life. And since there is free will, I have no idea what you’re going to do. So consequently I have no idea when or if you will ever meet a “good man who wants to marry you”.

It is possible, though. You’re only doomed if you continue to make the same choices you’ve always made. I’d say get a therapist, sit down and tell them this:

“I’m in my forties and I have always chosen lousy horrible men. Please help me stop.”

Because like you say, time is flying. And the current Saturn transit to your planets in Aquarius beg you to take responsibility and do something (the right thing) about your life.

Good luck.

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Comments

Single Mother Routinely Gets In Violent, Lousy Relationships — 8 Comments

  1. Ya know. I never understood the one glaring constant in ALL of my failed relationships”(I always initiated the ‘physical’ leaving) ……ME! Now if I remove the other half of the equation I’m left with some serious truths. Dysfunctional + dysfunctional does not = functional; nor Functional + Dysfunctional = Functional (or in reverse).
    Soooooo….that would leave me pretty much dysfunctional from all angles…if I care to look at it from all angles….and I do now.

    I like what you said, Elsa, about this being about personal change and “follow through”.
    It really is all about the constant….never about the variable.

    I hope that Aquarian realizes her potential before giving it away to yet another who does not appreciate what it is like to be her.

    All things are possible when we are willing to ‘fix’ ourselves.

  2. Commenting on my own question,
    I have seen Therepists throughout the years! And its not all as cut and dry as you would want your readers to believe. I never STAY in them! Some of the men I have met MASK themselves quite well and can continue with theyre escapades for some time…but I finally see it!.And YES IVe been in Domestic Violence groups for women and have learned about the RED FLAGS! BUt it is not always so easy as you seem to think it is especially coming from a parental background where I had to pretty much fend for my self and forebly be on my own at the ripe old age of 18!
    I am a VERY GOOD MOTHER TO MY CHILDREN AND A VERY GOOD POLITE NEIGHBOR! AND WOULD HELP OUT ANYWHERE IF THE CIRCUMSTANCES CALL FOR IT! LEARNING TO LIKE AMD LOVE MYSELF HAS TAKEN A LOT OF TIME! BUT I NOTICED IN YOUR FREE Q&A BLOG THAT YOUB SEEM TO DWELL ON THE NEGATIVES OF OTHERS AS IF YOU YOURSELF HAVE SOME UNFINISHED BUSINESS OF YOUR OWN! AND WHEN PEOPLE COME TO YOU FOR ADVISE YOU SHOULD TRY TO DO THEM JUSTICE BY SHOWING THE POSITIVE QUALITIES AS WELL! ALL OF LIFE IS A LEARNING EXPERIENCE WE NEVER STOP LEARNING AND IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE LEARNED ALL THERE IS TO KNOW MY DEAR THEN YOU YOURSELF WILL HAVE A RUDE UNEXPECTED AWAKENING! NEXT TIME…REALLY LOOK INTO A PERSONS CHART TO ALSO FIND THE GOOD YOUR A REALLY FUCKED UP ASTROLOGER I HAVE A LIBRA MOON AS WELL AND A LIBRA ASCENDANT SO PARTNERING IS SOMETHING I REALLY WANT AND WITH THE RIGHT PERSON WE HAVE TO KISS A LOT OF FROGS BEFORE WE KISS THE PRINCE AS A TEE SHIRT I READ ONCE EXCLAIMED AND IF YOU BELIEVE YOUR SO PERFECT THEN SLIDE OVER VIRGOS LET ELSA MOVE IN!

  3. hi aquarian/cstarz

    i get the point that you are angry and that you are totally fed up with the “hand life seems to have dealt you” ~i can relate. personally, i have never been in any type of long term relationship with a guy and like yourself i am in my 40s so every now and again i look towards the heavens and ask what’s goin’ on?

    i too have asked for advice from Elsa and also had the addiction comparison. at first i did not get it, but after a number of re-readings things started to slowly dawn on me. that is, i realise i am hooked to a particular way of seeing and relating to others that has, for the most part, not given me what i want or need. at the same time my “candy” gives me some sort of respite from my chaotic dealings with others, but the pain and the isolation remains ~so what am i going to do? well like yourself, i’ve done years & hours of counselling, therapy, group work, and spent $$$$ on trying to solve this riddle called “me” (and let me tell you, i am beginning to appreciate how complex she/me is) and all that time i seem to be moving forward at a snail’s pace.

    two and a half years ago i had a crisis situation that pulled the rug from beneath me. i had had crises before, but for some reason this one hit hard and deeply. i was forced to spend time by myself contemplating the feelings i was left with after the eye of the storm passed. because of my taking the time to begin “honest sessions” with myself i’ve been able to actively seek and employ the “right fit” in terms of my healing aides and get on with trying to work things out for myself. i am still working on stuff and as far as i can see, this work will take the rest of my days because i’ve accepted the fact that there is no completion; rather, this is my life, my life’s worth. still i’ve had some taste of the sweetness living authentically (warts and all) has to offer and not just once, but several times since i began this journey. however, old habits (my addictions) die hard and taking responsibility for the types of relationships i would like to have is even harder!

    although i only began following this site last spring/summer, i am not ashamed to state that Elsa and her associates and the collective commentators are tools in my healing. i’ve had real eye openers and “ah ha” moments reading the posts ~including yours ;).

    maybe you don’t think this site is the “right fit” for you. i don’t know since you don’t take to the response posted, yet you are the one who made the request for advice…perhaps that is a clue to your own complexity. maybe your reply post and anger that you feel can be used as a springboard to unearth another level of yourself that you are not yet aware of and as such, not able to recognizes as part of you.

    i’m just going on what has been written above and i don’t mind if i don’t get “it” the way you want me to understand it. that in itsself is a skill requiring a lot of effort and intuition that i probably sorely lack, but another is gifted in so here is my advanced apology.

    Elsa does good work. it’s that simple for me whether or not i get the astrology parts or agree with the responses she posts. the desire, heart, and mind seem to be coming from an okay space and that is what i have discerned. besides she is human afterall, like you and me.

    i wish you frequent bouts of peace

  4. Good grief! I just read the Aquarian’s response to your post, Elsa, and I’m flabbergasted.

    I don’t think she understood that she gave herself away in the Q&A. Somewhere along the way her growth was stunted and it appears she is “stuck” in this time warp.

    My mother is a lot like this. She is a 70 year old 5 year old. It was all very traumatic to witness (the tantrums and tirades) and now I see it as extremely sad and pathetic.

    I’m an uber sensitive person, Elsa, but have never mistaken your advice as malicious or even remotely mean spirited. I absolutely love your advice….even if it is not what I wanted to hear.

    Too bad that this Aquarian had such a violent, allergic reaction to your answer. It really was good advice.

  5. Aquarian,

    Most people will never step up to the plate and accept responsibility for their energy. When you love yourself you will attract THAT kind of man. No matter how much therapy you get, if your subconscious holds on to its negative view of the world, it wins and you lose. [Hypnotherapy and NLP can be helpful]. Group (victim) therapy? Maybe helpful initially, but it often reminds me of people joining a lonely hearts club… Lonely people hanging out with Lonely people. Where’s the personal change there?

    To attract THAT man you have to be sending out energy that you Deserve THAT kind of man. It will not happen until you really get this.

    Martyrs need not apply! Many are shocked when they finally realize that it doesn’t matter a lick if you’re a perfect mother, work 20 hours a day, have overcome drug addiction, wash everyone’s clothes with a washboard, take in stray pets, and give to charity. Your Doing Good is NOT the same as you Being Good, to and with Yourself.

    You will not attract a Good Man until you get YOU a Good Woman. YOU!

  6. Sometimes women who disown their own aggressive tendancies attract violent men. I would bet the rage expressed by Aquarian has been suppressed in the past. Hence it is lately coming out misplaced and with over-reaction.

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