I’ve been making the rounds in my inner circle, sharing my latest realizations which have been as rich as they are disturbing. One thing I have really come to understand is no matter what happens, I’m the bad guy. It is always, always, always going to be my “lack” that causes the problem which I think makes me a real cool person to hang around, truth be told. This is true, even among the people who love me most.
Today, I was talking to, Annalisa, expounding on my theory. You know she is not a stupid woman. She certainly does not lack candor with a Sadge Moon conjunct Jupiter and I wondered if she’d poke holes in my theory. This is why I share my theories, you know. If they are bullshit, I would like to know it. I do not want to continue riding a train of thought that has no merit so I just went for the kill.
“You think about it,” I said, naming a violent, murderous, psychopath we both know. “If you put me and him next to each other, who is the shadow?” I asked. “Who?” I challenged. “He and I standing next to each other and you tell me who is going to be seen as the problem? Who will be seen as the dark one? You know it’s me.”
I am pretty sure I could stand next to, Ted Bundy and I’d be the shadow person.
“Why do you think it is?” she asked.
“8th house,” I said. “It’s my 8th house.”
I went on to tell her a story about my husband. He loves me to the bone. He was telling me a funny story about someone. He said they were really rotten at a, b and c, but he would never tell them because it would hurt their feelings.
“I bet you cover for me like that all the time,” I said.
He laughed heartily. “Well, P, I love you. That’s all you need to know. I love the hell out of you.”
“I know, I know,” I said. And I realized in a million years, it would never occur to him that he had a lack that I overlooked or ignored.
Annalisa asked me a few days prior, why I didn’t confront someone who is a pure asshole to me. She said she’d be all over it and I know she would.
I told her it was pointless. Not pointless for her but pointless for me. “She thinks I am stupid and boring,” I said. “It’s the best thing that happen because I don’t hear from her much and I’d like to just leave it this way. Do you think she is ever going to realize she is stupid and boring?”
“Well either do I. I’m stupid and boring, she’s great and there no reason to look any further.”
I have told four people that know me well, various versions of this and no one denies it. The reason is because it’s undeniable.