She Does Not Want Her Fiance’s Ex-Wife In Her House: Emphasis On The Cardinal Signs

Zodiac Language

Dear Elsa,

I’m engaged to a man with an ex-wife and two kids. When his kids came to my house to visit last summer, I made a request of him for the ex-wife not to come in my house. We agreed and everything was fine. When the kids arrived, we picked them up from the airport and brought them home. Per his court order, she had the right to “inspect” our house for the kids’ sake. I agreed and even gave her the tour. I told my fiance that from that point on, I was not going in her house and she was not to come back into mine. Again, he agreed.

She came to visit the kids while I’m at work and she comes in the house. He claims the kids invited her in but because he is the adult, he should have respected my wishes. Needless to say, when I found out I was pissed. I felt completely disrespected and ignored. So, we talked about it and he admitted that he didn’t think it was a reasonable request to begin with but said he would honor it in the future.

Then we go to visit his kids in their town. We go to pick the kids up at their house and the first thing he does is walk into her house because the kids invited him in. I purposely stayed by the car so that I didn’t have to put myself in the position to turn down an invitation into the house. He comes out and asks me to come in. I tell him flat out ‘NO’ but he treats me like I’m being unreasonable and I finally go inside.

Is my request unreasonable? I feel like I’m being completely disrespected and am ready to tell him to kiss off. When will he have the balls to stand up for what I want? Where does it end? I really need some unbiased advice.

United States

Dear Fiance,

I don’t think your request is necessarily unreasonable but I also don’t think it’s wise. And I’ll explain but before I do, I want to say I’m not sure my opinion should matter. Because fact is, this is your boundary and a person’s boundaries ought to be respected. So you’ve drawn this line and all I can advise is you might re-think it… in light of how things are going, and also because this is driving you crazy.

So considering that, you might ask yourself why you don’t want this woman in your house. Because she is not just “the ex-wife”. She your fiance’s children’s mother and she will never be anything less. And fact is, children do frequently invite the other parent into their home. Because from the kid’s perspective, they are living two places! And it’s not that they are trying to cause a problem. For example, sometimes they have something they are proud of at one house, and they want to share with the other parent. So what if you prevent this?

Well just think about it. Everyone has follow the rules. Your rules! Everyone has to conform to your standard, less you’re going to be pissed. Do you really want to come across this way? To be seen like this?

Good Luck.

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She Does Not Want Her Fiance’s Ex-Wife In Her House: Emphasis On The Cardinal Signs — 26 Comments

  1. My children’s father is very reserved and distant with me and has been since I left him nearly ten years ago. He does not speak to me unless he has to, doesn’t invite me into his house and does not come into mine. He’s Taurus, I’m Gemini so I don’t push and I don’t really care for myself. But it does make things very uncomfortable for my kids. I think they would be much happier if he could just relax a little bit around me.

    He has a new girlfriend with her own children and ex-husband. Their situation is exactly opposite from mine and my ex’s so she brings a very different perspective to our situation. She brought my kids to my house once recently and asked if she could come in. She hung out in my living room and chatted with me. The kids just soaked up the exchange. Was a real exhale moment for them. When I picked the kids up from her house recently she invited me in and gave me a tour of her home. My ex was there and was so uncomfortable and it was noted by the new girl and all of the children. The only one who looks ridiculous in all of this is my ex. I am no threat to any of them. I’ve been happy to be gone since day one. Of course if this man had been a reasonable person in the first place I would never have left.

    But your situation is different and I think Elsa’s advice is dead on. I would not want to be the newest one on the scene and start trying to throw my weight around like that.

  2. Oh my goodness! I can just see the astrology playing out here. I am a Sagittarius and my chart is a mixed bag of mutable and fixed energy, and, I too have had MANY exes.

    My first husband and I had 4 sons together but parted in a very unhealthy way. I do not hold grudges so it was no problem to “get over” the transgression. When he remarried I eventually became friends with his wife. My sons did not like her but it was a much better arrangement if we ALL got along.

    In my second marriage my husbands ex fiance was allowed to call my house and I even spoke with her on the phone and invited her to our home. I knew my husband was with me so I was not threatened by their friendship at all. She was a very nice person and no matter what the prior situation was between them she was just a person in need of closure. My heart went out to her.

    My third husband (yes, the trail of husbands ends soon!) “accidentally” had a beautiful child with a co-worker a year before I met him. Soon after we moved in together he started getting visitation with his daughter and I finally got to meet the mother. I liked her instantly! I even took care of their daughter occassionally so that she could go to college. Now during this time her mother and sister were saying horrible things about me. Making fun of me and threatening me with violence if I “hurt” the father. They felt the need to control his life so much that they were trying to eliminate me. It back-fired and they ended up eliminating themselves.

    Fiance, I do not think that you have to do anything that you do not want to do but I feel strongly that you will eventually eliminate yourself. It sounds as though you’ve never had children so you do not possibly know what your fiance is going through, but, if I were you I would try to put myself in his shoes…and then the shoes of his children and possibly the ex.

    Your husband is going to have those children for the rest of your joint lives and would’nt you rather have healthy, happy step-children rather than angry, vengeful ones? Because that is exactly what you’ll get if they feel they must hide and duck everytime they are around you and their mom at the same time.

    Inadvertantly you are creating a battle line and you percieve this woman to be your enemy. In this “war” those children will end up the casualties and you will never have peace if your fiance has to sacrifice the happiness of his children for you. It just does not work this way because it is not a healthy situation.

    Elsa is right (as usual) and her advice is priceless. I’d take it and run with it.
    I hope that you open your heart and your door and let this woman in. You could gain so much more than what you are afraid of losing.
    Good luck to you.

  3. I definitely agree with the advice here. If there were no children, I think those boundaries are fine… You shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home. It’s your sanctuary. However, children create an entirely different scenario.

  4. As a child of divorced parents who haven’t spoken to each other without fighting since the divorce, I would just like to make the plea that you make every effort to not set up for battle unless it’s absolutely necessary. That stuff makes an impression, and it’s not good.

    Also, your house is also your fiance’s children’s house. I’ve got a lot of Cancer, and so obviously my room has always been really important and personal to me, even as a child; the one place that I could regard as mine, and control who had access. If somebody who’s not even my real mother (cause I’m sorry, but that’s the way it looks when you’re a kid), told me I couldn’t invite my mom into my room to show off whatever it is I want to show off to her, or even to just show her my room, I’d have been PISSED.

    If there were no kids, I would have no problem saying you have every right to keep the woman out of your house. Of course you have the right to control who has access to your house, but I’m not sure this is the situation you want to pick to fight over.

  5. I feel bad for any children who first of all are traumatized by divorce, and then the new stepparent puts a bigger wedge between the two parents. I’m sorry, but this woman is selfish and should consider the feelings of those children above all else. I agree there should be rules and limits, but those kids are only going to grow up resenting her. Trust me, I’ve lived it.

  6. I agree with you all. The letter really irritated me, big time. Also, whatever happened to just plain common courtesy? It’s awkward to leave people out in the cold instead of inviting them in, especially if others are inside. I would understand that attitude a lot more if the ex-wife were a harpy who still had her hooks on her former husband but nothing like that seems to be happening.

    Unfortunately, I think a lot of second wives feel like this. Jamie, you’ve got a big heart and I admire you for being so cool and courteous to your ex’s wives.

  7. Thanks, Marly, that was very nice of you to say. I look at it this way. I do not own my boyfriend/fiance/husband nor is he my territory to draw battle lines around. I love people. Even the one’s who have the “audacity” to be my s.o.’s ex! (just joking:D)
    We are ALL in this crazy, lovely world together so we should enjoy this trip as much as possible.
    I cannot imagine excluding someone who might have something very important to offer me in my perspective on this world just because they swapped body fluids with my s.o.! Silly. Every person that I have met (even the exes) have afforded me an opportunity to expand my mental horizons. I’ve enjoyed their company very much for however long it lasted.

  8. I can’t add anything to what Elsa and the rest of you who have invaluable advice have already said.
    Jamie, you’re absaloutely right when saying this person will eventually ‘eliminate’ herself. What a waste! For what? Ego points?
    I don’t understand this kind of hostility people have to their partners exes. I really don’t. You have the same partner in common, after all!

  9. I’m chiming in here as a stepparent (and someone who’s a bit forceful herself: Aries ASC, Leo Sun and Mars conjunction, Libra Moon).

    If the ex-wife is a crazy, bitter harpy who doesn’t respect boundaries (and there’s more of these out there than you’d think), there’s no way I would allow someone like that in my house. Doing that is giving her the green light to push more boundaries.

    BUT if the woman is sane and decent and only cares what’s best for her children, there’s no harm in letting her come in with the kids.

    I wonder why there’s a clause that she MUST inspect where her children are going to be. That’s control freak-ish, isn’t it?

    There has to be some way to work around this without hurting the kids’ feelings.

  10. It isn’t control-freakish to see where your children are going to be. I think it shows you care where your children are going to be.

    The letter writer didn’t even indicate WHY she didn’t want the ex in the house, and can’t even explain why her need to have an ex-wife free household was more important than the kids DESIRE TO HAVE HER IN THEIR HOME.

    Just because “you’re the adult” doesn’t make you right, or your needs the most important. In fact, I think the kids’ needs are almost ALWAYS more important than the adults. Period!

  11. L, I don’t think it matters what Fiance or anyone else thinks of her. She is the mother of these children and that is all that should matter.

    I’m sure the children do not see their mother any light but good light. Children are wonderful, marvelous beings who do not posess a judgemental bone in their bodies. That is why it is so easy for people to hurt them.
    I think it very sad that the needs of children always seem to come last where “adults” are concerned.
    I’m gonna have to go to bat for their Mom if for no other reason than being a voice for her children….who clearly do not have one.

    “If the ex-wife is a crazy, bitter harpy who doesn’t respect boundaries (and there’s more of these out there than you’d think), there’s no way I would allow someone like that in my house”

    I’ve had a lot of experience with exes and I can easily say that I’ve never met a “crazy, bitter harpy”. I have, however, met some beautiful women struggling with the loss of a relationship and a love that they thought would last forever.
    I feel deeply for their loss and do not want to add to the grief of having to explain to their children why they will struggle to feel whole again after a divorce by being a bitter,crazy harpy. Can’t you just imagine what it is like to feel, every day, the pain of your chil’s loss?

    It is time to put children first so that they grow to be healthy, happy adults.

  12. The clause that allows a parent to check the house is standard fare where I live. That’s the court ensuring the child’s welfare, not the parent being control-freakish. Just for the record.

  13. Wow…alot of typo’s in that last post. Sorry.
    I meant, ” … being a bitter, crazy harpy myself. And of course, that would be “child” not chil in the last sentence of that paragraph.

  14. For the record, I agree with what you guys have said. I think this woman is being unreasonable.

    But, and here’s my Libra talking, we don’t know anything about this woman’s situation, really.
    There’s no mention that the children are living with her. In fact, she states that they were visiting. We also don’t know that their father is living with her. This may, indeed, be HER house! And if this isn’t going to be their permanent, secondary home, then I can understand why she didn’t want the mom in her house other than for the basics. You know, “This is my private sanctuary. Back off!”

    Not going into someone else’s home when you’re invited is a little odd, though.

    And all of this is why I didn’t comment in the first place.
    Okay, continue the beat-down. . .

  15. All of you are right: this should be about the children and not about the adults…but there ARE adults who don’t have their children’s best interests at heart, rather getting “revenge” on their exes for whatever reason.

    Having feelings is OK, but acting on them and hurting your children is not.

    I am not saying ALL exes are like this, but they exist!

    Hopefully this can be worked out and the kids don’t have to walk on eggshells all the time.

  16. Yes, Fiancee needs to back off, for the ultimate good of everyone concerned.
    I am wondering if the tie that her fiance has with the ex wife, i.e., the very unique experience of having children with that specific person, is stirring up lots of insecurities. Especially since I assume that bond is not there between them since I did not see any mention of her own children. Possibly a big source of pain/resentment, and Fiancee might want to honestly assess that.
    If that is the case, then I actually understand how that situation can be painful. For some people it is hard to swallow.
    Fiancee, the way to handle that is not to direct hostility at the former wife, who does not deserve it, nor at the children, who are equally innocent, but to take a deep breath and face your feelings of exclusion. I agree with everyone that it is not the way to handle this, but after reading these posts (some of which seem unnecessarily harsh, and not without their own touch of hostility) I can see where it might make you defensive, which might tempt you to hang on to your position even more tightly. Don’t give in to that, none of us is going to see how this plays out, so forget your pride and explore what it is that bothers you. Write it down and don’t judge yourself. Figure out what is fueling this, because it is obviously a very big area that needs your attention.
    I think you’ll be happy you did. Good luck to you.

  17. Yes, I think the request is very unreasonable. My advice to fiance would be to shift her priorities and consider growing the hell up.

    When two people have children together they are tied to each other for life, regardless of whether they live together or not. And when they are both in contact with the children and the children with them, then I think the children need to be respected and relationships need to change.

    So, he’s not with his ex anymore he’s with you, fact. But he has lifelong connections to her as well, fact. Another fact: children are really good at sensing what’s going on and if they feel like their mother is not welcome in their father’s house and that you won’t go into their mother’s house, I think they’d feel very tense and uncomfortable. I doubt also they’d feel like they were at home in their father’s house if their mother is being rejected.

    I don’t think it is unreasonable to ask your partner to make you the priority if you find he’s devoting too much energy to his ex. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want an ex to feature too much in your life. But her not setting foot in the door… that not only seems a tad extreme but also like it could backfire quite badly.

    Truly I know many men who would have told Fiance to pack her bags unless she stopped putting the kids into the middle of some kind of weird power-play thing.
    What on earth is the matter with the ex going into the house? Jealousy? Insecurity? Need to control? Whatever the hell it is I think it is most beneficial to let it go.

  18. “Another fact: children are really good at sensing what’s going on and if they feel like their mother is not welcome in their father’s house and that you won’t go into their mother’s house, I think they’d feel very tense and uncomfortable. I doubt also they’d feel like they were at home in their father’s house if their mother is being rejected.”

    Perfecto! Bullseye!, Nia. Whether the mommy is a bad or good one the children love her and would ALWAYS sense the hostility this woman has for her. I’ve read articles that state a fetus ….a FETUS!….can sense his mother’s moods!!! Now if a fetus can do that just think what a toddler or 10 year old can do!!! Astounding!

    We are impeding progress, people, by labeling a child’s parents.

    You know, I gotta believe that Elsa is right about ….well…EVERYTHING!!

    I remember when a woman wrote in about her friends problems. She went into lengthy, minute detail about their lives and Elsa had the brilliance to ask her what was she trying to avoid facing by being so caught up in their business?! She said it must be “monumental”!
    I loved that post so much that I framed it….I’ll have to send a pic.

    I think that this woman spends soooooo much of her time focusing (as it seems others do) on what is wrong with the mother that she is doing little to work on herself. Forget about what kind of mother the ex is…what kind of ex wife she is and focus on what kind of step-mom and wife/partner she will be! Good grief is it so difficult to stop pointing fingers at others? And we wonder why this world is sooooooo very messed up?
    I don’t think that I’ve ever met an “adult”…. no,really…..myself included.

  19. First
    I can understand you’re pissed beyond controle at your fiance. I could be to in your situation
    But, indeed, those kids change everything
    They don’t intend harm to you… They’re just spontanoeus and with inviting their mother in, they think they do no harm
    They splitted up for a reason
    He’s with you now
    It’s not like his ex has plans to live with you in the house…
    So may be try to let her in, she’ll be out in 5 of 10…
    Good Luck
    I know this won’t be easy for you
    But like ain’t always a cake walk
    Take Care

  20. I’m really sick and tired of these women belittling the ex wife/ex gf who had a child(s) with her new man. Get over it life’s to short.
    Previous entries about the mom wanting to check out the house..its not because we are nosey, or jealous and most of all its not about “you” its about the children, we need to see for ourselves that the visiting/living conditions are fit and safe for a child and not that of a crack house, holes in walls, dirty the list could go on. Any mother that wants in her ex’s house to see it has only the best interests for her children.
    So lady get over it.

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