I Can’t Maintain A Friendship – Am I Projecting?

gemini vintage dolls efanbee 1940sDear Elsa,

I wanted to tell you that I really admire the friendship between you and your friend Ben. I’ve only had 3 friends in my life and they have dissolved because there wasn’t any substance after such a long time.

I have a friend, a young man, who is to me, obsessed with finding love and being in a relationship. I have noticed that he follows a pattern and in his mind, failure. He has been unsuccessful in love for the last 2 years. I always am supportive and tell him that he is still young and to have faith. I have advised him in a multitude of ways.

The friendship had bordered on ending for the same reason over and over. And that is his fixation about these romances. I will be speaking about very personal non-romantic relationships issues, but he will quickly try to change the conversation questions as to whether or not the people involved are attractive or to my liking. We have discussed my disinterest about those things before.

My last friendship ended because my friends and I did not share the same interests and I told her I didn’t feel it was fair to have to limit what she was “enthusiastic” about for a friendship. In this friendship, its what he wants to talk about and a major focus in his life. So I feel this dilemma once again.

We discussed it repeatedly at key points in this friendship. There are times I feel like just “cutting” him off, but I’ve done that very often in the past and I don’t want to be too hasty especially if I’m the one with the issue. I don’t exactly hold the world record for ‘good friends’ and through each I must look in the mirror and see myself.

Sometimes I think he is projecting. But is he really? Am I the projecting or is he?

I’ve looked at his chart before and mine. I know that I’m overly sensitive, so my question is, ‘How can you tell if you’re the one projecting, Elsa?

Yours Truly, Unfriended

Hi Unfriended.

It doesn’t sound like he is projecting. As you say, he’s obsessed with finding love. It sounds like he wants to talk about it all the time…and you don’t.  To check this, I peeked at his chart.

He doesn’t have a single opposition. But he is a Virgo with Pluto conjunct his descendant. Sounds like a chatty person obsessed with relationships to me!

As for you being the one “projecting”, you do have oppositions in your chart. But I don’t think that’s the main problem here. What’s happening is that you are parenting this guy. And trying to fix him. You’re trying to control him to some extent as well.  Control what he thinks and talks about, that is.

This is the same thing you did in the last relationship and the tendency is shown by Saturn in Sagittarius opposing your Sun in Gemini.

It’s not necessary that you come down hard on yourself over this.  Being a Gemini, you probably just don’t want to be bored! Awareness of this should help you resolve it. I’d start by choosing friends with eclectic interests.

As an aside, you have a Leo moon. You probably want a fair amount of attention. This may be another reason you try to control another person’s mental process.

I do see some mirroring in that you that you both wish to steer the conversation. You may be more sophisticated about it, but the result is the same.

Good luck!

Do you find yourself trying to control the conversation in your relationships?

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I Can’t Maintain A Friendship – Am I Projecting? — 3 Comments

  1. I have a Venus in Aquarius (7th house)/Pluto in Leo (1st house) opposition and I project my need for freedom all the time. It’s annoying to me when I realize that I have once again gotten interested in the wrong man. I have come to the conclusion that I will always be alone in this life because I don’t have the maturity to discipline myself to initiate a relationship or be with a guy who I’m not attracted to. For my next life I will probably choose circumstances that force me to get married and stick with it, because I’m not learning the lesson this time around.

    I also know a dude who talks constantly about his desire for a girlfriend or relationship and bemoans his lack of same. He is interested in me, but I’m not attracted to him. I have decided that the next time he starts on that track I’m going to tell him “This subject is really depressing for me. Can we talk about something else?” That might work for you too, but not necessarily with the word “depressing”, maybe “tedious”? Good luck!

  2. Oh boy do I love this post Elsa! thank you as always for extra d’light! Yes, yes, yes do I ‘get’ this one, also Saturn in Sagitt (9th) and Leo moon. (Venus & Sun Aquarius 10th).It is about freedom and it is also about controlling (the conversation and the energy input, AND a need for attention) as you exactly say! I love how your posts make me smile on the inside – ya know? When someone just says what you love to hear. thanks Elsa, it’s normalizing.

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