I am a Scorpio woman married to a Pisces man for 12 years. I love him, but I cheated with a Cancer friend from my past. My husband found out and it’s been horrible.
We have 3 kids together: 11, 10, and 7 but I have become very unhappy. My husband cheated 7 years into the marriage with his high school ex. This has caused a lot of pain. He says it is over but in 2006 when I lost a baby 5 months pregnant, he said he was finally letting her go. That is when I realized he had not done so before.
I want to leave this relationship and I’m drawn to my Cancer friend. Should I walk away from all parties and start anew? My feelings for my Cancer friend are stronger than his, and he wants me to try to work on things since I have kids. I’m lost and need direction.
There is no way I can make this decision for you or even offer an opinion. But I can perhaps give some clarity and that might help.
First, I cannot tell which man you love by reading this. And rather than write you back and ask for clarification, I left it this way because I think it’s important. Being drawn to someone is not love, is it? But on the other hand, you plainly state you want to leave your marriage so it does not sound as if you love him either. So considering this, the Cancer comes out on top, so let’s talk about him.
He doesn’t want you. And I don’t say that to hurt you. I am trying to help you and it’s very simple. When a man tells you to stay with another man, it means they don’t want you even if they couch in terms like “because of your kids”. That sounds like a Cancer MO to me. He’s so sensitive. He’s so innocent. But he’s leaving out all kinds of things, isn’t he? Things like that he got in your marriage in the first place.
So here’s your deal: you have a husband and a family which presumably you can turn your attention back towards. Alternately you can divorce and look for another relationship but I don’t think you are going to come up with anything better than what you’ve got without some serious soul-searching.
The option that is not open to you is the Cancer man, and I hope realizing this leads nearer the exit of this labyrinth you’re caught in.
Oh! And as for your husband’s disclosure, his timing was lousy. But fact is, that was a positive development.
I am very sorry for your loss. Good luck.
I find it very interesting that both you and your husband were unfaithful with someone from your past.
It’s amazing you were both drawn to the past! Are your exes that hot, or are you both, independantly of each other, experiencing some sort of future-based insecurity?
If so, you could work it out together–you and your husband might be having paralell experiences and may have a lot to offer each other in terms of comfort and (holy smokes!) understanding.
Who could understand what you’re going through better than your husband? He’s lived it himself!
You can absolutley overcome these obstacles, should you and your husband make a commitment to work it out.
Both of those men sound emotionally manipulative to me… the guy who didn’t care about the kids when he was sleeping with you, but all of a sudden does, and the guy who discloses he is ending an affair he was supposed to have ended before, and gives this to you like some kind of gift when you’re grieving.
I hope it works out for the best, somehow…
May I say something for the first time, (delurking here). I’m a Pisces woman who cheated with a Pisces married man. I also have Scorpio Moon conj. Mars, so I feel qualified to discuss the scorpio. It’s absolutely obvious to me that your affair was payback for your husband’s affair. And now is the time to make the decision about your husband because in all likelihood, he will emotionally withdraw from the relationship very soon. Pisces, when they are unhappy, will not be there even though phsyically they’re still there.
You need to do some work with yourself. Forget everyone else but your kids. You need to sit with yourself and do the intense self-analysis, being ruthlessly honest with yourself, about why you felt compelled to have the affair. I know why I had mine (and why my lover loved me too)…You need to find out about yourself NOW.
The answer is clearly not another man. I agree with everyone else when they say you need to figure yourself out. Figure out what you want, what you’re willing to deal with, what you’re willing to forgive, etc.
And it wouldn’t hurt to seek some professional help (therapy did me a world of good) to unravel all the threads in your life. Because you sound so lost, and having someone completely outside of your situation (like Elsa here) give you new perspectives is really what you need to suss out exactly what you want with your life.
I wish you much luck in this endeavor.
I am an unmarried Pisces.
I believe people come into our lives for a reason and you came into mine quite accidentally…
I second the notion that I cannot advise what you should/shouldn’t do. When you read my response remember you requested feedback and only you know your situation and nobody has all the facts.
First: I will only give advice to you from me with regard to your cancer friend and only knowing what you told me – I cannot see past, present and future beyond that…which means it is still your decision and yes I am putting it on you.
Second: The rest is up to you and may only be used for your informational purposes because you must know that this has got to be your decision and seeking information is the right thing, but allowing anyone else to influence you could be risky because it may not be the right decision for you. only you can decide…
My impression is not that you are lost more than you are simply confused because you have two men you care about talking in both ears and your kids are right in the middle (in the brain).
My advice about the cancer friend – forget him — he should not be a weighted component for your current marrital contract and the reasons are listed below.
**Try not to mix the issues…this is an important decision you are trying to make and had consequences you should take control over to make the best outcome.
B. Cancer man is fulfilling your needs right now, because of a need that is most likely lacking in your current relationship. often times, it is a very simple need, just unidentified or it could be something within you that you feel from your childhood. You may not realize right now the source for why you made the choice for him… is all I am saying, so he should not be a source for your decision in your marriage. you might surprise yourself to know that you might not even like Cancer if you were a single mom…without your husband in the picture…
Therefore, your putting weight on his friendly advice is tainted by whatever your decision to sleep with him … did you just need some yet to be identified thing missing in your life and he was the next best thing… only you know, you have more information than me…
C. Your issue is with you and your husband and the contract you have pending with him at the moment and letting Cancer anywhere near this decision because of your attachment to him now might be
way too revealing later …. Don’t suggest creating future chaos and pain now while you are not clear…but recognize – I don’t have all the facts…
D. Something to be aware of could just be about not taking care of yourself properly: Having three children being really difficult and at times leave you completely drained. Are you taking time for yourself in the right ways do you get too busy taking care of the children to remember to take care of yourself too — they will learn this one if you are doing it to yourself? The reason I ask is because in part it was a dishonor to yourself when you chose to cheat. Try to recognize the need you were missing that led you to having sex. Were you paying attention to your emotional/mental and physical needs such that you properly identified to yourself and your husband there was a need? We all struggle in this department but having 3 kids would make me forget… You have to take care of yourself. How we treat ourselves is the most important thing we do for ourselves and so are the commitments we choose to make. We disrespect ourself if we choose to have an emotional attachment(like Cancer) that we either in the present or the future doubted having. (again, I don’t know if it was wrong for you or if you felt wrong…I don’t have all the facts…). So why would that be wrong? Because we confuse our own emotions when we act against our inner warning signals and that causes more brian pain because of the confusion that is created in our mind… Stress/Tension=Pain. Then, the reason it ends up being wrong and a disrespect to ourself is because we felt it was wrong and did it anyway. Then, we make think: oh, well it’s ok – because I will make it ok. Wrong – Stop – rewind. If at the time you had doubts – listen to that and find out what was the doubt about and then proceed. Ask yourself if you felt it was wrong, why did you feel that way ect… Although, if you don’t feel it was wrong, then you didn’t do anything wrong… you see what I mean…? Maybe start there. Sometimes we make decisions in life we wish we could somehow take back for one reason or another and then we cannot but there is always forgiveness and hoping in another’s forgiveness and then striving to hold down the attitudes that led us to doing that in the first place is a tough task. It can get tough that is why this is a serious decision. You are already half way there by asking for information!!
E. Would you be happy if he could fulfill your needs but not your kids needs later?
Really think about your kids and how smart they are now…and how we are the ones aging…they can cause you pain too with respect to the divorce…I know because sadly that is my wrong doing…
F. Men’s words are not as good as their acts – If you want to know how he feels pay attention to his acts! What is he doing…Why? (I don’t recommend annoyingly asking a man though because they get kinda mean if you nag them.) Telling someone you are their friend is not the same thing as acting like you are their friend. observe…
–> Look at this Cancer guy’s acts, where they really friendly? I don’t know your situation and don’t have the facts…
Did he consider his future feelings for you and your kids before you slept together or was it heat and passion? That is important…
Both you and Cancer man made a decision… He certainly is considering after the fact…Is it love with Cancer man? You keep saying “friend”…where love is something that is different all together.
Why would someone involve with a committed person where it involves children? you love your children he loves you he has to love them too…love runs deep like that… — I don’t understand but I am clearly younger than you and I get confused real easily.
I hear the words selfish man and kids in the same sentence – Risk!
I would say honor your commitment with your husband first and get clear on the right thing to do.
this is something to communicate with your husband just as much as asking others…
Let me just provide some things to consider, but realize — it is only a limited dataset of information and I highly suggest getting much more data before
Marriage is about attachment and keeping the attachment. People who are attached don’t cheat. Attachments can be reformed if chosen and broken if chosen. It takes work to create attachments, work to break them and work to keep them.* I have studied divorce a bit and in my studies learned people who stay married have one common trait — the couple was constantly able to overcome their troubled situations. –It is rough and It would take you both learning some new things, not just one of you! Well, it might not be good to hate one another with kids. Although, the effects of choosing divorce are serious. These are things…
This is a serious decision.
you and your husband could consider the risks and get all the information without chewing on one another about the painful mistakes;
You know your husband better than me so might not want to use my words, but some things you could consider:
your health, your kids futures, your futures and your happiness together…
My God Bless you and hope I don’t offend your beliefs with my statement.