Scorpio Boy Meets Libra Girl: His Patterns Disturb Her

Flower Scale

Dear Elsa,

I have been dating a fantastic guy for the last year. Let me fill you in. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl casually date for about a month. Boy asks girl to be his girlfriend. Boy is great!! Boy treats girl with the utmost respect and kindness. Girl meets boy’s family and they love her.

Right about now you’re asking me what the problem is… the problem is this is the same pattern for the boy for his last 3 relationships and they have all lasted exactly 2 years. And since he has treated every girl this well, how to I know that I am special? I don’t feel special because he has treated every girl that way. How do I know that its not just out of habit?

After our 1 year anniversary, I realized this and started wondering if we were headed down the same path. As I analyzed this, I realized that every 2 years there has been a major life change… change from high school to boarding school, go to college, study abroad, starting a big corporate job.

The most recent life change… he just joined the army and in another year he will be deployed. After an “us” talk gone bad, I found out that we are not on the same page as far as our future. I can see us getting married in the next 2 to 3 years. He, on the other hand, told me straight out that he won’t be ready in the next 2 to 3 years. So I guess my question to you is, do I hang on for another year, during which he will be away training and hope that he doesn’t repeat his pattern? Or do I make a clean break of it, which by the way might also make a clean break of my heart.

Signed,
How do you deal with a Scorpio
United States

Dear Deal,

You sound like a very unhappy young woman and your man has nothing to do with it. You say he is fantastic and then go on to complain about… everything. The guy has a habit of treating women well and this is a problem for you. He’s honest about where he stands and how he feels and this is a problem for you. His family treats you well and again, you have a problem?

It sounds as if boy knows how to flow. And you don’t need to “handle” him. You need to handle yourself. Because this is the bottom line. This is what I read up there:

Girl meets Boy. Girl likes Boy. Girl wants to plan and dictate Boy’s life. Boy (wisely) says no. And my advice to Girl?

Stop looking at other people’s patterns to try to predict negative outcomes. Instead, see if you can learn to just live in the moment, enjoying your life as it unfolds.

And if you are compelled to look at patterns, try looking at your own. You can start with your obsessive (you’re a Scorpio rising yourself) need to control others (stellium in Libra) in the name of “relationships”.

And to answer your question… should you hang on for another year? If you don’t want to address any of your problems, then no. Because you’ve already told him what your line is and he’s already told you he is not going to tow it. So you can either go out and find someone else who will get on your page with you, or you can stay in this relationship and try to grow. But if you try to stay and refuse to grow, I am pretty sure Boy is going to dump Girl thereby solving your problems. Know why? Because it’s not fun when someone is “holding on” to you. It’s oppressive. And Boy sounds pretty healthy and I doubt he puts up with it for long.

Good luck.

 

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Comments

Scorpio Boy Meets Libra Girl: His Patterns Disturb Her — 24 Comments

  1. Obsessive and controling, those are words I would have used to describe my father, not myself. But I guess the truth hurts. So, with this new found information…how do I grow? How do I stop my own patterns? What steps do I need to take? I don’t know where to start.

  2. I think the sentence “And since he has treated every girl this well, how to I know that I am special? I don’t feel special because he has treated every girl that way. How do I know that its not just out of habit?” is some of the most ridiculous thinking I have ever heard.

    I have tried to cultivate my own habits of treating partners as nicely as possible for as long as possible and if my husband told me that he feels that my affections are less sincere because I’ve been as nice to the exes – I genuinely don’t know whether I would have shaken my head in incredulity or laughed in his face.

    Like Elsa said – stop trying to predict, and just live in the moment. Really, it’s much less anxiety and doom-inducing.

    Who do you value more, him or marriage? If him, then stay. If marriage, then leave.

    Good luck either way.

  3. Clearly, you’re on a completely different page from this fellow.

    I don’t think either of you is ‘wrong’. But the two of you are definitely ‘different’, and this in an incompatible way.

    Personally, I think the two of you would be best served by each moving on separately.

    Better a heartbreak now than in 1, 2, or 7 years.

  4. I agree with Nia about this sentence: “And since he has treated every girl this well, how to I know that I am special? I don’t feel special because he has treated every girl that way. How do I know that its not just out of habit?”

    That attitude is very wrongheaded. Earlier, I was going to write something that might sound harsh but here it is: Would you feel better if the guy were a lying sociopath who only treated YOU well and treated others like crap? A habit is picking your nose. A habit is biting your nails or smoking or humming when you eat. This man’s kindheartedness is not a “habit”, it is this guy’s nature. What’s wonderful about this is that you don’t ever have to worry that he’s putting on an act so that he can impress you; nor will you ever have to worry that he will treat you shabbily when he stops sleeping with you. People will naturally admire this man and that admiration will reflect unto you. The opposite is true as well: Hang out with a jerk just bc he spoils you and your own reputation will be tainted.

    The fact is, you’re extremely lucky that you found a guy who is genuinely decent and kind-hearted. I have suffered for years and years in terrible relationships with guys who were putting on a show about being generous and sweet. And so my exasperation comes from your lack of gratitude about this immensely wonderful relationship that you have. When you ask how you can change, maybe you can start there; by seeing the good for what it is and genuinely appreciating it, instead of looking at it as an indication of problems.

    So many other women would love to have this problem. Remember that.

  5. Nia,
    Thanks for the reality check. I value him much more than marriage. I enjoy his company and value his opinions very much. You’re right, it is stupid to think that because he has treated every other girl with respect that he loves me any less. I should realize that I am lucky that he has respect for others.
    Thanks.

  6. Marly,
    I believe I have been in your situation with a repetition of bad guys for such a long while that I have been shocked by this one. Thank you for your comment. I will cherish him and our relationship. I hope things work out better for you.
    Thanks.

  7. Obsessive and controlling, right here! *lol* (No, I’m not this girl, but once upon a time I could have been.)

    I hope she’s reading and sees this…

    There’s something very calming and liberating about letting go of what your significant other does with his life. That’s not to say that you can’t make suggestions and requests, but you will be SO MUCH HAPPIER if you can quit fussing and worrying over every little thing. I tend to be a control freak, and I used to try and rule every little aspect of my life, including my relationships… Doesn’t work, and it’ll make you miserable.

    Just let go… Have faith in the man or find someone you CAN have faith in. Then sit back and see what he does. You might just be pleasantly surprised!

  8. Seekingzen,
    I did read your comment and appreciate the advice. I have already tried letting go of the control. Everytime I want to check my cell to see if he has called, I remind myself that nobody likes to be obsessed over. I guess, in lieu of the fact that he will be leaving for the Army, I have tried to hold on as long as possible and direct our future. Sitting back and ENJOYING life is a much better alternative. They say if you want to hear God laugh you should tell him your plans. I should also take their advice.
    Thanks.

  9. How do you change your habits?

    You just asked how. Step one.

    Next step: Please realize that you do not ‘realize you are special’ based on how another person is treating you. Using another person as a mirror is ultimately unfulfilling for you, and annoying for them. Sorry.

  10. Ouch. Well, in defense of this person I have to say it is quite frustrating to not know where you are going and with whom, especially if a lack of control in the past has taken you down a painful road. If you’ve experienced a ‘pattern’ with other guys then either *you’re* the pattern or you pick people who inflict the pattern onto you. But having said that, perhaps you are being obsessive and controlling (out of fear of impending pain). I do the same thing too. But what’s really liberating is when you realize that it doesn’t really matter what you do. Some things, whether you control/direct their course or not, will go to the same place regardless. You can relax because it’s not up to you anymore. So that leaves you with one option left, and that is to let go of it and have faith that it will work out however it is meant to – because that is what will happen anyway whether you do anything or not.

    “if you want to hear God laugh you should tell him your plans” lol, yes indeed 🙂

  11. Wow, I guess an update is needed. Since then I found the “fantastic guy” passed out and cuddled up with his ex-girlfriend on his couch while I was asleep upstairs. He was very apologetic and I tried to get past it. Five months later, after an awesome family Christmas, when he returned to his home duty station in Georgia, he decided to stop calling…completely. He didn’t return phone calls, e-mails or any other form of communication. Ironically, this was right at the 2 year mark (apparently his limit for relationships). When I finally did reach him to ask if everything was ok, he said he didn’t know what was wrong. I offered suggestions on courses of action with regards to our relationship…break up, stay together, or just give him time and space. Unfortunately, I never received an answer to any of those, as he told him he had to get off the phone. Then I didn’t hear from him for 3 months. In those first painful weeks, I had resolved that he wanted to break up with me, but didn’t have the courage to confront me about it. With the help of friends, I also resolved to give myself closure on the situation since he wasn’t going to do it for me. With a heavy heart, I moved on. At the end of those 3 months, he called me to tell me how sorry he was…how he wishes he was a better person for me…and asked if I would consider going out with him again. At the end of the conversation, there was still no explanation for his actions. I learned that his first relationship ended just this way…that girlfriend ran back to him with open arms. I, on the other hand, did not. I decided that he can’t throw me out with the trash and then expect me to come running back. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I don’t have much contact with him anymore. I do, however still speak to his family on occasion. I am still trying to heal from this and hope that it doesn’t jade me so much that it affects potential future relationships. I still would love to hear advice on the subject.

    Thank you.

  12. Hi,

    I believe that you are right when you say you do not feel “special”. I find it funny that everyone else disagreed. As a fellow Libra stellium myself, I understand the extreme need for security and to find that one special one who will be with us for life.

    Your scorpio man, treats you like “just one of them”, the question is why you hung on for so long is beyond me. By the way, what happened eventually is expected, because you’re just not meant for each other. If you were, he wouldn’t go back to the ex – you’d be his focus.

    Even if he’s a scorpio, he is no where as intense as you, with regards to love.

    If you have Venus/Saturn/Sun in your stellium, an advice is to find exactly the same configuration in your man.

    Luck 🙂

  13. I disagree with Elsa and the others – you cannot berate someone for desiring something – this is what she desires – the man is “normal”, but what you’re looking for is a love relationship more timeless than normal. Having a marriage vision aqnd setting a time frame for it is normal and recommended. The guy just isn’t ready.

    Libras undergo alot of crucifixion, relationship wise. This episode probably made you stronger, and the right guy will come – just not this one.

  14. Lynn,

    Thank you for your advice. I have since started dating another guy, who so far is very nice, intelligent and out going. My last experience, if nothing else, has taught me to be much more cautious. This new gentleman is a Cancer, born June 25. Is there any advice for a libra and a cancer relationship?

    Thank you.

  15. Hi Kelli,
    you seem to fall for water signs for some reason. Maybe u have a water moon?

    I dont recommend a libra stellum with a cancer, as it is a very very draining relationship, especially on you.

    You mentioned Jun 25 – what is your bday, and the constitution of your stellum? if u disclose it i may be able to give more opinions.

    As for me, my moon is in earth, so i have never had any water man relationships – i usually feel drowned in a conversation, let alone intimacy.

  16. My birthday is October 6 and I don’t know what a stellum is, let alone what my stellum is. Also, what do you me by a “draining relationship?”

    Thanks again.

  17. A stellium is a cluster of planets in libra.
    draining relationship means one that can make you feel like the air sucked out of you.

    Oct 6 makes you the libra of libras. Usually, you need a very strong man. How do you find your r/ship so far?

  18. The relationship is good so far. Unfortunately we haven’t been able to spend much time together since he deployed to Iraq (he’s in the Navy) about a month after we started dating (in March). We do, however, talk every day, either through e-mail, IM or on the phone. I actually think its a good thing because I can get to know him at a different level without the physical contact. So far he seems pretty strong physically and emotionally. He has some protective tendencies i.e. he has to sleep/sit closest to the door in order to “protect” the one next to him. He has also been married once before (for two years, no children) and seems to have emotionally dealt with that in a very mature manner. He will return in October and I look forward to getting to know more about him.

    As far as a draining relationships go… I don’t feel that from the cancer yet, but I definitely did feel it from the Scorpio. Not only was is draining in the sense that I was constantly giving and working on the relationship without the same amount of give from him, but also in the sense that he drained me (my personality, my character, who I am) right out of me. I lost myself and the things I like about myself.

    Your thoughts?

  19. My opinion is to date with some guard. I do not feel the man is for you if it was what you stated that you desire. He sounds like a good guy, and that you can have some happy times with him.

    You didnt mention your moon sign or your other planets – have you dated an air sign – specifically Libra – and what do you think of them?

  20. I don’t know how to figure out my moom sign or the other planets. I also have never dated another air sign or even another Libra.

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