I was telling a friend someone about the process I go through when I make a new friend. How anyone who comes on with too much, too fast, a “new best friend” sort made me nervous.
“When someone comes in and thinks they are going to fill up my life, I feel completely overwhelmed. I may like them initially but if my phone starts ringing off the hook, I know I’m not going to be able to sustain the relationship.”
She was listening intently.
“People like me have to have a chance to feel you out. If you won’t allow time for this natural process then why is that? Whatever the reason, it can’t be good. I don’t even want to know what the reason is. If you can’t give me time to have my feelings and process them, and if you don’t need time to experience and process your own feelings then I’m pretty sure we’re incompatible.”
How (and when) do you form a friendship? What will break the deal in the process?
With a Virgo Moon, Aquarius Rising and Sun on the nadir in the 4th house, I am a loner and very private so it is a rare event when I reach out towards friendship. And then I expect it to be a slow but long term. Because of that and my inherent shyness, my south node in the 5th loves the attention when someone else is very friendly and things clip along. Sometimes the friendship is a keeper, and sometimes not. With Venus opposite Saturn, there isn’t much someone can do that breaks the deal in the process, unless it’s being bossy, controlling or too opinionated about my life. Then it’s off. Often people drift off because my life as a single parent is full and I can’t give them the time or attention they may need.
P.S. – the controlling etc. part is a Pluto Moon, and that along with my Saturn retro in Scorpio opposite Venus/third house and Neptune in the 8th, the slow and longterm comes from a deep need to develop and know that I can trust the relationship…
I find with a new friend, how that person talks about other people and how they interact with said people is far more important than how they treat me. You’re new so they’re probably on their best behaviour. Look at their social network (if it exists) and what is good/bad about it. You can get major clues to the type of relationship you will have if you spend more time together. Maybe I think this way b/c of the Aquarius ASC.
I’m not sure which of my houses is talking but I really can’t stand people that don’t get off my back and keep ringing. Hold on a minute, back off, I’m my own person, I need space!
I think I’m looking for acceptance, respect and a similar sense of humour and interests. Aren’t we all?
Yeah, ppl who sound like their private parts are in a vise when contacting me turn me off too…
Although the biggest turn off I have is when I’m categorized according to job, gender, marital status, looks, etc. There are many ppl who seem to not have a core sense of self and this is how they define themselves; I’d rather deal with the person who has a core sense of themselves like I do, IF they even exist (cynic voice developed over decades speaking).
Ppl who think the reason to have a relationship is to get something – they’re going to drain your battery pack – rather than know you. Another pet peeve.
This could go on and on.
Basically I prefer other species. They’re cuter too.
I’m in the slow and painful process of extracting a friend I thought was close to me but now I realize never had my best interests (or indeed, any of my interests) in mind. We’ve known each other for over ten years and I find it jarring to see that people she has known for less than six months are referred by her as her best friends. Kind of pisses me off, to tell the truth. She’s a Gemini.
I don’t have many friends and I love having friends so it has been difficult. It’s not easy for me to have shallow friendships or to hang out with people I don’t really care about, which kind of makes it hard to make new friends.
Cancer rising and an Aquarius moon in the eighth: Yup, I need a lot of space and time to open up. Those fast, octopus-sucker type people just seem fake to me. Most of my friends are people I’ve known from ~junior~ high school.
I also don’t like to be phoned up all the time – I’ve worked with phones for seven years, I don’t want to be on one at home! If it needs to be said by phone, then say it and hang up. If you’re coming over, don’t talk about everything when you call to warn me and then try to repeat it in person. (Yargh! That right there is one of my pet peeves.) Although I will every once in a while be in a “phone mood,” it’s pretty rare.
The ones I am attracted to right off the bat have all been lifelong friends. The ones I have to process usually are short term friends or people I enjoy from time to time.
Interestingly enough, I too get nervous when someone decides to be my new best friend, but I also kind of need to be pursued. Most of my closest friends are people who came to the conclusion we should be so, before I made any decisions about the situation myself. Relentlessly wearing me down actually works, because I have such a difficult time reaching out. I have no problem making very superficial friendships (Gemini rising), but for real intimacy, you have to be willing to knock down my barriers. Putting that kind of effort in shows me that you’re not going to disappear the minute I decide to really like you. I don’t, for obvious reasons, have many close friends.
a lot of what Ariel mentions is similar to my own friendship making. i, too, am a gemini rising. but i also have an 8th house stellium, so i crave those instant/intense connections.
the superficial friendships i have, i just call those people “fairweather friends”. but sometimes it’s just fun to have them for specific reasons, i guess.
i don’t have a lot of close friends either, just plenty of interesting acquaintances (i have lots of aquarius aspects/placements).
well, venus is in aries. in the eighth house. and she moves really fast. i see something i really really like (not a common thing) and i want to explore it deeply. and now. i mean… now.
which isn’t always the best thing, by any means. too easy to fall too fast. which i guess means i’m lucky saturn’s trining in so i have boundaries set up that force me to stop and think.
which gives mars in pisces (7th) the chance to test the waters. see what’s really going on underneath everything. wait until the time is right if necessary. if i don’t wait too long.
but that drive to explore, i can understand. without some kind of brakes on it, i guess it could be a bit dangerous.
it’s hard for me to say when i think someone’s coming at me too fast. it has as much to do with whether i feel they’re actually seeing me or if they’re just caught up in something in their head.
With a Libra Sun/Moon, Venus in Sadge and NN in Gemini, I enjoy people and have many acquaintances. Real friendships are few and treasured. Plus for many of us, our lives are so busy, we don’t have time for the kind of friendships we had in school.
I’m a pretty low-maintenance kind of friend once the connection is made though (lots of Scorpio) – they are tucked away in my heart & mind, and even if we don’t communicate frequently it doesn’t matter. 🙂
It was good for me to read these posts. I had someone who decided to be my “new best friend” who I actually did want to get to know, but it was way too fast and way too much talking on the phone. I eventually had to end it because I felt like I was just along for this person’s ride. I guess I like a more low-key friendship, where it is personal and deep and heartfelt, but we don’t need to call each other every time something minor happens. I have quite a few friends that I love dearly but only communicate with once or twice a year. But when we get together it is right where we left off. I guess I just don’t need a daily play-by-play, I actually find that kind of boring.
Some years ago I kept speaking of ‘one of my best friends’ to another friend ( a Gemini) and she said: ‘So who the hell’s your best friend, anyway? Everybody?’ I got pissed off and said ‘What the hell do you care if I call someone my best friend anyway?’ and we had a big cry fest…but it did change my approach to the phrase ‘best friend.’
Not only that, but I realize I have a lot of really close, great friends. I just like people, period. I have Gemini on my Descendant, and I move around. I travel a lot, I have big family, I work in an environment that sees me communicating to a lot of people, all day long. YES it is exhausting, being a goddamn chatty Kathy. But this is how life has panned out. I was depressed as a teenager, had no friends and was suicidal. When Pluto entered Sagittarius and my 12th House, I was 18, and I really busted out.
I take time outs by reading 3 hours a day by myself in the bathtub, and dreaming all night long, wonderful nights sleep. But the otherr parts of my waking life? Very social.
I make friends right of the bat. I usually know immediately when I meet someone what place they are going to have in my life. When someone tries to move to slowly, I start to feel like I’m being played. Though recently I have tried to be more understanding of people who move at different speeds that I do.
I attribute this to having Pluto on the Descendant along with Uranus in the 8th trine five planets including Venus.
As for breaking the deal, I can’t handle people who make fun of other people and then breate the other person for ‘not being able to take a joke.’
I need to feel safe and comfortable talking about private matters. And I have a zero tolerance policy for gossip.
A test run period is necessary with me. The person has to prove themselves over a period of time.
Deal breakers include, but are not limited to, illegal drugs, emotionally dependence, pushy or “I’m better than you” attitude but the big one is the person who can’t keep secrets (and I will test the person more than once to see if they are trust worthy with secrets).
That’s exactly how I feel. People who start talking about ‘our friendship’, or ‘people like us’, when you’ve just started getting to know them, completely freak me out. Red flag festival. I start backing off straight away and find it difficult to trust their motives. Also I just find it invasive and controlling. Er, don’t I have a say in this?
To answer the question – I only form friendships with people organically, where we cross each others paths and end up chatting or hanging out more and more just because we enjoy each others company. I never spot a person and think ‘I want to be friends with them’. It’s more that one day you realise there’s been enough traffic between you to call the person a friend when someone asks who they are.
I don’t jibe with it either but for me, it’s an Aquarian thang – I am aggressively disinterested in being grouped onto someone’s buddy list point-blank just because “it’s the nice thing to do” or “that’s how it’s supposed to be done.” If it smacks of social convention – which a lot of social relationships do these days IMO – no dice for me. Aquarians are friendly on the surface and have many acquaintances but further down have very few actual buddies-for-life because real – tried-and-true, extensively road-tested – friendship is pretty much a central theme in the Aquarian profile and absolutely not one to be taken lightly or fleetingly.
Anyone who lies to me is out… I’m slowly amputating someone who is a habitual liar. Thing is, she needs support right now and I’m not cold-hearted enough to drop her when her family is ten hours away and she and her hubby are in the middle of selling a home and relocating 2,000 miles away. He’s already moved to start his new job and she’s literally all alone. But I feel I can’t trust her at all or be sure of the info she’s giving me.
I was lied to by someone I thought was a trusted friend. I’d known him for more than 18 years. He’s a closet pedophile and I just found out earlier this year… That’s how well he hid it. I had to amputate him for that and other reasons I won’t get into…
So, even though my Jupiter in stupid wants to trust, my better instincts are slowing it down these days. And I’m not giving people the benefit of the doubt any longer… Nowadays, it’s a slow process.
As an Aquarius, with 8th House Venus and Moon in Cap.. you better believe people who are all in my face and think I’m their best buddy right off the bat give me the heebeebiejeebies! *Runaway* lol Even though these days I’m trying to be more open and stuff… there is still a LENGTHY trial period before you I’m going to consider anyone just a regular friend, let alone a BFF. lol
Errrrm, is it any wonder I only have two friends at this point? 😛 O well, I believe in quality over quantity anyway.
Elsa, I can TOTALLY relate to what you said…especially if I am not sure. There are times when I welcome folks with open arms no time needed to know…and I am usually very right about who and who cannot be my friend for whatever reason. I may have Jupiter in Libra in the 11th but I also have Neptune there and I have learned to not let myself be deceived by what I think looks all glittery and alluring. If I meet someone and they are keeping me at arms length, I don’t pursue. If they are casual but not really unwelcoming, I let it take it’s natural course. I prefer and have only a few “close” friends and those that are…we would almost do anything for each other. But being a Scorpio by nature…I will sit and watch you first before feeling like I can get involved with you as a friend no matter how much you may seem to want to be mine.
WTF I have no idea who that person was above (old comment)
What a difference a Pluto transit makes.
I don’t want to make any more friends. I don’t mind casual chit chat but I have zero interest in going through the friends process at this stage in my life. Focus is on maintaining and devoting myself to the people in my life. Possibly developing professional relationships.
Dealbreakers: bitchy insecure people (men or women), petty people, people who can’t be genuinely happy for their friends because they’re always competing/jealous
Chrispito? Are you meaning my post?? Just checking!
Forgot to mention the dealbreaker in the process..well I had a friend who was late to everything…I hate that and anyone who breaks my trust…I’ll talk to you but you’ll never be my friend.
Never really thought of myself as an eighth house person but perhaps I am to a small degree – uranus/pluto conj at the cusp of 7th/8th.
Yea it takes me a while to form a friendship. I can’t stand talking on the phone too much. My favorite friends are the ones who, after not talking for a period of time, can be a LONG time, well we just pickup where we left off next time we talk.
I have a couple friends who are NOT like that. They get upset with me when I don’t stay in very regular contact. And this upsets me because I’ve told them that I am not a phone person. But if I don’t call for a while then they get their panties in a wad. I dont’ like it because it feels controlling. “Why didn’t you call me?” UGH.
I used to give people the benefit of the doubt, but after living in Los Angeles for 24 years, the phoniest blood-sucking emotionally needy capital of the US, I ‘ve had to learn hard lessons about being “naive.” Although people can be aloof, there are certainly enough “vampires” who will drain your veins if you don’t practice, “shields up, Scotty!”
Chiron in Aquarius is the only planet sitting in my 8th house, but I have a Cancer rising, and Scorpio Moon, and I need space and time to step back and get to know someone, very slowly. Insofar as TRUST, well, that could take years. If someone descends on me too quickly, then I become suspicious, and back off.
Thank the gods for the gift of GROWTH!
Hi Dawn, NO not you –me! My comment I wrote 3 years ago–I seem to have done an emotional 180 since last time I thought about this, ha ha.
Yes! That level of attachment so soon means they’re more invested in filling a void than invested in me as a person. I run.
I know very quickly when someone can be a friend as opposed to mere acquaintance, as I cut to the chase pretty quickly – and remember, I’m in England so meeting people in a non-work setting usually involves that social lubricant, alcohol. But it gets harder and harder to make real friends as you get older. I did make a few in my 40s but I don’t think any of the people I’ve met in the last 15 years are *real* friends, they’re just people I socialise with. If I moved away, I’d never see them again.
I can’t stand people ringing me all the time either – I more or less amputated one very old friend who would never get off the phone, and spent hours telling me things about other mutual friends which I already knew! – he’s a double Gemini, and a coke head
I’m with you Elsa P.. stellar Scorpio stellium here
and I’ll hide from other Scorpios if they are too intense
This is so me.
I’m really slow at making friends. First I have to have a good impression. This has nothing to do with looks or anything it’s just a reaction I have to someone when I meet them. Then if over time they seem trustworthy I’ll maybe talk to them and get to know them and eventually we’ll be friends, maybe. Anyone who is my friend knows certain things like I don’t talk on the phone so write me a letter or send an e-mail.
My husband on the other hand. Sheesh. He talks to anyone right away like they’re friends. He’s asked me a couple times to trust his friends and I’ve gone against my initial impression. I’ve been proven right everytime except once. It’s not that I was wrong but the guy was trying to change from one way in his life to a new way. He’s actually a good guy now but when I first met him I hated him.
Deal breaker to a friendship, well, if we haven’t had any contact in over a year, not even a christmas card, it’s pretty much over, although it can make a comeback. Instant elimination is in anyway betraying me or if they are negative towards my husband. but since I’m so selective to begin with the instant elimination doesn’t really happen.
What gets to me is people who say “I love you” to everyone. It loses it’s importance and means nothing quickly. I have my Taurus Sun Mercury and Saturn in the 8 house and for me good friends are made slowly over time. I prefer to be alone quite a bit of the time although I don’t know how I’d make it without my few close friends:) The old friends who have made it through the long haul. We give each other lots of space and that’s what works for me. I told my best friend I loved her for the first time 15 years into our friendship!! And I meant it. And she knows i did:)
For as long as I can remember, I liked the people that would rush into “LETS BE BIFFLES” but lately I’ve learned the hard way that that..is not the best kind of person to associate with. A loud mouth is a loud mouth is a loud mouth! And really what is the point of being friends with someone who has no concept of privacy. Sure I enjoy chatting and I may do it to excess at times.. But I at least *try* to keep things on the downlow, feel me?
I relate to the Scorpio way most of the time. Occasionally I get carried away by an instant friendship – that’s my fire. But for the most part I vet people by being aloof. If they are insistent then I know they can’t respect boundaries.
How you described yourself sounds exactly like me! I always thought of it as my strong Uranus signature – ‘too strong too fast?’ – I’m outta here!
I don’t have an 8th house influence… could it be my pluto (in scorpio) in the 5th, perhaps? Or no… that’s way too different.
I can totally relate to this! As a Scorpio I am very cautious about who I allow into my life.. There have been a few instances where I made friends with people way too fast.. They always turned out to be clingy types who I eventually had to cut loose.. So when somebody comes on too strong like that my red flags instantly go up and I keep them at a distance.. I question their intentions and their stability.. Scorpio’s have a tight inner circle and need plenty of private time to recharge.. If only people understood this.. We are not social butterfly’s! If you want to be our friend back off a little and let us get to know the real you.. Just know that you have to earn a Scorpio’s trust and if you are way too aggressive like that most of us will just write you off before the friendship even starts..
That sounds like water planets to me. I’m a loner by nature, Aries Sun and Uranus rising, Moon in 12th in water and lots of Pisces, so my friends are gals who don’t need to get together too often. We email, and have coffee, and see each other at the gym sometimes, and that’s as much as I want. It works…they are independent types too. One Aries and one Venus in Aries.
8th house stellium here, but my Aqua rising loves group activity. I am very slow to bark up friendship as I am so very private. Crazy private. So, it’s a long road to friendship with me, but once established, I am there for life.
I had an experience years ago with a Cancer woman that I worked with. She was a widow also and I really liked her but she wanted more from the friendship than I was comfortable giving. She expected me to have these super long phone conversations and I just didn’t have time being a single working mother.
I know her feelings were hurt and I still feel sad about that.
Too much emotional neediness and someone giving me too much information. Some people need therapy more than a friend and I’ve come to know the difference–through trial and error.
I have an 8th house vibe too.
Sun in Sadge in the 3rd loves to laugh out loud; moon in taurus in the 8th doesn’t want to be bothered by others who need alot of explainations. This inconjunct means I’m very on and off in the social arena and that I sometimes give people the wrong impression. I need lots of time to let feelings rise to the surface and pass away and I need to do this privately.
I don’t like people expecting me to be there FOREVER. This doesn’t mean I bolt when I hear those expectations, I just take note of how uncomfortable this makes me feel. I do crave security given my moon placement and Venus/Mars in the 4th, but I need plenty-o-space. Heavy 12th house here.
Deal breakers are hipocrits.
For me, friendships, true friendships, are definitely long term (scorpio, pisces moon in the 8th, 4th house stellium in scorpio, saturn in the 7th). But I allow them to grow authentically-no forcing anymore. I’ve been delving very deep into my personal psyche concerning friendships, but I have deep standards on relating (8th house) and friends are like family (4th house stellium) and if not it feels awkward, they become like acquaintances to me. In the past I’ve sided on the too desperate too needy,but I’m growing (saturn in libra 3rd house, transiting sun in the 7th(ruled by sun because of Leo ascendant)). 🙂
Oh and deal breakers- dishonesty, overall. Self centerdness 2nd, maybe first now that I think about it…
This is a nice redux post for me at this point of my life. Scorpio leads my nature, and a Capricorn Moon doubles the need for private time. After years of physical isolation brought on by illness, I have a new opportunity to choose how and who I ‘chum’ with or grow friendships with. It’s oddly interesting to see how old friends and my partner as well, expect me to be as I break out of this coccoon.
The illness insulated me in many respects, giving me the Scorpio time to reassess my power “issues” Saturn now wrapping up in Libra gives me cause to remember how important fair-play is (on both sides). I am slow and steady, and that’s not a bad thing. The Leo in me (and there’s a lot of it) is being given a chance at my old lady age to remember that not all wood burns the same: some burn first and fast, others burn slow and long.
Friendships are like that fire for me, and I have also learned some fires are more smoke than fuel efficient and all that watery deep Scorpio can steam things up if I’m not awake. And, if a given too much air (Gemini chatter) I burn up/burn out. Oh, I hear that Neptune metaphoric in this … watery enough?
Not sure how they happen. Shared interests of some kind. And toleration of the differences. For example, if she/he likes action films, we aren’t going to be sharing popcorn watching my favorite art flicks. At my age, some of my friends have physical difficulties that limit outdoor activities, like structural problems or meds that make their skin burn in the sun, so hiking is out with them. Some work alot of hours and/or still have kids in high school, so the amount of time together is limited. And I don’t get into an automobile with someone I cannot travel with without wanting to pull my hair out.
Friends are people I can share experiences with and also bounce thoughts and ideas around with, without judgement from either of us.
Sometimes, I find people are extremely unhappy and it makes me really frustrated and sad. The entire relationship revolves around the frustration, no matter what we’re doing. There is no resolve, I can’t help them. I can’t do it. It takes too much out of me.
Love this thread, it’s very interesting. Sadly I can’t find out my birth time so I haven’t a clue about my 8th house. All I know is that I’m Taurus sun and Mercury with Aquarius Mars and Gemini Venus. I’m a bit of a loner and put up barriers because I like a lot of space.
I totally identify with ‘Lislioness’ as I too had an emotional ‘clingbot’ who completely drained me over the space of 3 years until I eventually had to cut off all ties. My ex-hubby was a control freak too so I like to keep people at arms length these days. My few friends are tried and tested, and love me as I am. 🙂
mer(leo), venus m(leo), uranus (virgo) and pluto (virgo) – 8th house
Loner,private, isolation is comfort. Never feels safe. I have only three very really good friends. No more. I do not want more. I can be friendly when I choose to, thanks to my Mars in Libra, very reserved, probably because of my Asc. Capricorn, I find solace in working. I can smell superficiality from a mile, i cannot stand those who are fake, those who smile for the sake of smiling, or for just pretending to be nice. Very suspicious nature, not very trusting, my gut feeling is always right, even when I am wrong, if that makes sense at all….I know…its a paradox.
No gray areas for me, things are or they are not, black or white, extreme, no middle ground, love or hate, you are with me or against me, no in between, once you have my heart though, you have it forever, no matter what you do to me, No matter where the journey takes me, I will rise up, dust myself and continue, not a whole lot can break me, once I block you out, you are basically done, complete detachment, absolute disengagement, like life or death, nothing less
Saturn in Libra is creating chaos for me right now, Squaring my sun in Cancer. Loving every minute of it (pluto in 8th??) – Through this chaos, my relationship with my husband has deepened, I have found solace there, even with everything else crumbling around me