I started talking about this conversation I had with my Yoga teacher and someone else over noodles the other day. You can catch up here.
So, anyway… The other girl starts telling us about her therapy session.
“I’m going to see a counselor about my issues with my horn.”
She plays the French Horn. In fact she doesn’t just play the French Horn, she is a talented and accomplished French Horn player. She has the accolades to prove it. The issue is she beats herself up over her playing. She has a very negative voice inside telling her she sucks. Over time she has started to suffer from this constant self beratement. That’s why she is seeking help.
“She said I need to start saying at least one positive thing about my playing after every time I practice.”
The look on her face as she shared her positivity assignment said “Yeah, I can smell it. I know that crock is full of shit, but I paid good money for it. So, I’m just gonna sit here with it for a while and see if it quits stinking.”
Then out loud she said “So I guess I’m gonna try that and see if it works.” She let out a heavy sigh.
I know that sigh. “You’ve got Saturn issues.” I tell her.
I’ve got my magic little phone with me, so we look up her chart on Astro.com. There it is. Mars conjunct Saturn, sextile Jupiter in Capricorn. Ah! Mars is involved. Mars is motivation. Looks like the suffering self esteem isn’t the problem but a symptom.
I tell her my thoughts on the matter. “You use all this negative energy to push yourself to do better. Problem is it’s dirty fuel.”
“Yeah, like you could go easy on yourself, lower your expectations, set reasonable goals, plod along a steady course, maybe start feeling good about yourself, but right now you’re hooked on the big push. (That’s where the Jupiter comes in.) When you beat yourself up, you work harder. When you work harder, you get a more substantial gain in the short term. And that immediately feels good.”
“So, it’s good then.”
“Yeah, but not long term because you’re gonna burn your engine out. You’re burning dirty fuel.”
“Yeah, I get that but how do I stop it?”
“Well number one, I would suggest you tell that voice to fuck off. If I was sitting here telling you how bad you are and what a terrible person you are, what would you say to me? Would you defend yourself with one positive thing or would you say something along the lines of ‘bitch, leave me alone?”
“I’d tell you to get outta my face.”
“Number two, start examining your motivations for things. Not just your horn playing, but everything. When you get up in the morning, do you go to the bathroom?”
“What’s your motivation?”
“Because I have to or I’ll burst.”
“Do you brush your teeth?”
“What’s your motivation?”
“It feels nice to have a clean mouth.”
“Just start doing that, you’ll start to see that there are lots of ways you motivate yourself and some of them don’t make you wanna die. This will appeal to your Saturn because Saturn wants to go on for a long time.
Disclaimer: I am not trying to discount the value of therapy here. Just this one particular cheesy therapist’s suggestion. Some therapists are very talented healers. I just felt like from the information I got, she was treating a symptom and not attacking the root cause. But thats a difficult thing to do. Roots take a long time to uncover in therapy… unless you have a natal chart to look at. Then you can see the roots laid out right in front of you. 😛
Can you relate to any of this? Are you hard on yourself? Do you know why? What motivates you? Also, have you ever treated a symptom? Or did you get to the root?