I have significant Capricorn in chart and like the rest of my tribe, I have a fear of failure. I also have a fear of success as these things go hand in hand. Fears around being judged and rejected can also be throw in the pile.
I’m old enough now, I’ve become very adept at working around my fears. This blog is evidence of that, so I was really surprised the other day when I was hit hard, feeling fear I might fail at something important.
If you read here regularly, you know I am going to take training to become an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion. I specifically want to be bring communion to people who are ill and hospitalized or house-bound. I’d be hard-pressed to describe how deeply I feel driven to serve in this way and after years of delay, I will be attending training this week.
I’ve endured the delay and overcome the obstacles. I thought I was in the home stretch here and then all the sudden, I was hit by this fear – what if I can’t do this?
I was recently humbled when I showed up to potentially serve as a juror. I thought I would be really fabulous at this, but as it turns out, I am unfit for jury service. The court thought so, and I agreed. I didn’t expect that, see? So now I am going to do this, something else I think I should be very good at, and I just hope I am not wrong!
Now if I am wrong, then I’ll be wrong and I will deal with it. But it was sure disturbing to realize I could still be hit with this kind of fear, which is something I thought I’d resolved.
Has anyone else had a deep fear break the surface?
The other night I had an epiphany that I am unable to save money because I am afraid of having a solid identity in the world. Hard to explain but it was really eye-opening for me.
I am very well acquainted with my fears, and actively working to counter them.
My most powerful fear is that I’m *wrong*, as in everything I believe in and am working towards is wrong, and I’m doing nothing but wasting my life. It’s completely irrational (I think), and most of the time I’m able to ignore/avoid it. However, when it’s there, it’s very similar to fear of death.
Right now I’m working on my fear that I’m not good enough (particularly for a relationship), and fear of upsetting others.
I don’t know if it will help; but, a friend told me, at a time when I was feeling fearful abt doing something important and imperative..and that I was called to do…and, I was good at..and ultimately successful at it. She said “Fear is lack of Faith”. In this thing that I did, was another way of saying it, too; that FEAR is an acronym for: F.alse E.vidence A.ppearing R.eal.
Sometimes something simple is all it takes to turn a switch either “off” or “on”..an A-ha moment. Just putting it out there..it helped me, anyway. Still does, sometime..a “catch phrase”; a “life preserver” to call up when needed.
i tend to be the opposite. thinking i can’t do anything while the rest of me storms ahead and does it well.
Security fears, financial and relationship.
“False Evidence Appearing Real”.
That’s awesome. Thanks!
Sounds kinda familiar. Paralyzingly it is.
YES. Pray for patience, get long lines at the grocery store. I want to move forward and develop and heal what’s in my blind spots.
Yesterday I saw my son’s struggle with learning/schoolwork in a different way, for instance, and decided to bring it to a head. Conscious choice, and it meant we both went through the storm, both got hurt, both soaked, but guess what we’ll be starting a brand new phase. I felt terrible about it, and ended up beating myself up, but then, those are just feelings, and I stand by my decision.
Many more big insights about the way I’ve lived my life and where and who I am. I was just making big personal/career progress when I found myself overextended and exhausted.
This is mine to deal with, and I see how fear has kept me from marching to my own drum’s beat, even though I know eventually I step way out of time to everyone else’s and it messes up the deal. For a time, I can be an awesome team player, but I overstay, then get hurt. I have not taken responsibility for building a space for myself that works like that, because I am afraid to be a free agent and make enough money on my own.
My boss in the fellowship talked to me Friday, and she said I needed to tell her what I wanted to do; what would make me happy in the organization. She said she noticed I was weighted down (sad). Suggested I try to find a way out of job A (public school setting).
Just this morning I replayed the conversation and realized that 1) I’m scared to death of taking the next steps, and taking her at her word toward more growth, and 2) I’ve been working 10 years
somewhere where they neither care nor want to know what I think.
But I’m afraid to leave.
Sorry-loong. And now another- I had a moment a few days ago when I decided to try to admit my fears more often and see if I get struck by lightning. So, I walked up to the butcher and said, you know, I’ve cooked all of my life, but I’m afraid to cook. Not a happy experience.
I asked him for help with what cut to put with carrots and potatoes in the crock pot. As if I didn’t know. It was some kind of weird step forward in owning who I am.
You know my boss just told me he’s doing a project with the woman who had this job before I did.
Instant. JEALOUSY. Shes’ younger than me, has a better career, is free of his employ but he still wants to talk to her…JEALOUS…he likes her better than me.
And the rest of me is just watching this reaction going…you moron.
Libra Sun, Capricorn ASC, Saturn in Leo in the 7th house.
My fears are always tangled up with my Ego and Pride. With this new job, I fear that I am incapable of doing the job to the level that will be expected. There are days when I feel like a fraud!
To combat this, I remind myself that I have all the foundation skills necessary to do it. I just have to learn how to use them in a new way. It helps for me to break down the puzzle into its pieces and start attacking it from there. If I break the fear into pieces, the smaller bits don’t seem so daunting. 🙂
@Daisy & Elsa-sounds with both like mask being pulled off the fear so we can see it more clearly. Altogether unpleasant, for me, at least, the actual fear aside. What I am finding is repulsive to me, but I’m committed to this process. Like that jealousy thing, I find myself acting certain ways, and see they are just decades-old ways of covering up, avoiding, coping.
It has been a humbling couple of days. Humbling is the right word.
First class in interpreting. It was more like a fleeting thought, but it still passed through my head. I said to myself, you can’t do this, you should quit and do something more simple. And then I missed the time when I did do something requiring less brain. And I spent some time convincing myself that I’m too stupid for this. I felt completely discouraged.
I’m over it now (for now), only I thought that was Mars in Cancer wanting to slide back into his comfort zone. It doesn’t help that said Mars opposes planets in Capricorn.
@Daisynymph “If I break the fear into pieces, the smaller bits don’t seem so daunting.” Excellent strategy.
Has anyone else have a deep fear break the surface?
Yesterday I had a chance to work through the deep fear of “having a party and nobody came” thing. After several years of isolation due health issues I organized an event to teach, celebrate and thank the community that’s helped shore up our lives. Public. Recognition. Giving back. It’s like you said Elsa, a Capricorn-characteristic and during the years of isolation confidence and adeptness can atrophe.
I kept remembering this is a Full Moon of deep commitment to things I believe are valuable. I called on Jupiter to tickle the healing out of Chiron. The event was totally enjoyable, and people came to have fun. False evidence appearing real … one more leap made.
Truly wonderful and inspiring, mokihana.
🙂 Thanks, mena.
Elsa, you’ve spent years counselling people and steering them in their best direction, along with your insight into what’s ahead. Fear shouldn’t even enter your psyche- knowing how to face fear is second nature to you. I think you will surprise yourself how well you can handle this new assistance to the sick as Minister of Holy Communion
Elsa, you’re not the only achiever who fears failure. I used to fear failure so much that it took a lot of failures for me to feel more comfortable with failure. But I realize that failure is not a measurement of my inadequacy. It’s just that some things are more suitable for some people than for others, or one has to work more in order to develop certain skills to reach a goal. I’m finally, finally using the Saturn in the 10th house and the Sun Square Saturn energies in a more constructive manner, so I hope this can help you out a bit the next time you fear failure or feel like a failure.
I am confident you can bring comfort to people by becoming an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion. I think it’s a great way for you to put to use your Pluto in the 12th house transit, and you’re providing comfort to loved ones who are in a very trying time. You have a knack for helping people, you really do.
It’s ok if you were not cut out to be a juror, it doesn’t mean you’re inadequate! Just take comfort that you probably learned a thing or two about the judiciary system in the process.
Just a thought. Jury duty is about making judgements, being a supporter and comforter of the sick involves no judgement. You will be great using your compassionate heart!
Thanks, Kellie. I also found your comment in with the spam. Sorry about that.
Thank you for this post, Elsa, I thought it was just me who was still getting freaked out even though I’m older and thought I should be through with all that stuff now. Just had a fear-facing episode myself and I’m still alive and well. Thanks again.
Once I take the task on, I do it without fear. No time for fear, could be a virgo thing. But I choose more carefully now what I sign onto. Spending time with shutins, that rocks, no matter what capacity of service.
Some people freak me out. Like will I survive knowing a person without them seeking to destroy me. And just how far will the person go? The down side of being elusive. Must be controlled. Must have some kind of upper hand with me. But but but it’s just my energy set, I’m sure it’s all in the astro setup. I don’t really exist. I’m all vapor. Poof!!!
I think it’s normal. I mean, when you are starting something you’ve never done before, you are bound to fear you won’t make it.
Way I get around it is to have a plan & think my feelings through. What will I do, if this doesn’t work out? How will I feel?
Once I’ve done that, it sort of lifts a weight off me & I can move forward far less fearful, because Saturn also likes control 😉
when things don’t go that good I fear that I’ll never overcome my ED. everytime this issue resurfaces I go nuts with ” why do I do this to myself?”. I fear this will eat me alive and will never let me go to close to someone i want to have in my life.
Uranus/Neptune in Capricorn opposing my Cancer stellium – sun, moon, venus (kite configuration). my biggest fear possibly is never being truly in love and have it reciprocated.
Funny thing, it snuck on me while I was on a date with this guy im talking to. Our dates have been pretty awesome, and I feel like I can be myself with. Well this particular date, im not sure what happened. Well I do but eh. I was already super moody that day and my sis and mom had just got into it before I left so of course I picked up the emotions from my sis and was on the verge of tears. Having my demeanor shaken I became extremely moody and that’s when I begin to notice everything and that’s when my gut started telling me that he wasnt the one, to stop talking to him because of this, that, and this. Then we went to eat and oh lord. Thats when I really wasnt feeling it. I couldn’t really look at him that much because my rose covered glasses were completely off. I became on the verge of tears even more. But I man-ed up and we booked it to his house where we I guess in his Aquarius sun/ascendant, Pisces stellium(moon, mars, venus) way ”cuddled” and just watched movies. Ugh! Dude. I like aggressive lovers, he is just so passive! We dont even kiss! Only when he’s dropping me off and that’s just a peck. I like passion! Be aggressive, let me know you want me. Bring my freak out because I’ll definantly bring yours out. But nothing. Ever. That whole day was weird, helped me realize what I want in a partner and who I am in a way. I think my cancer stellium was in full effect that day(last saturday) lol. I definantly did some good deep reflecting though.
I don’t think I can handle passiveness any longer so I’m on to the next. I hope I don’t sound shallow, there are more factors to it though. So at least my fear of never being truly in love worked to my advantage.
For the longest I had ommetaphobia because I carry a alot of guilt all regarding my sexuality. Im doing pretty great now that im overcoming my anxieties and learning to be more open with myself, I’m becoming more comfortable. I do have my bad days but life is getting much better. It will always be a work in progress.
Fear. hmmm, juicy topic. I can attribute all of my stupid shit to fear. Always.
Elsa Elsa, when I read your blog about being “unfit for jury service’ I was worried that you felt bad because you were not selected. Please don’t take it as a judgment of your fitness to be a fair juror. There are so many factors in selecting a juror. It could be as simple as you being familiar with some issue on the case, knowing a witness, or just being at the end of the line and the lawyers never got to you. It doesn’t mean you “couldn’t be fair” and therefore were not selected.
You should be proud that you showed up for jury selection and were ready to serve.
Time will tell. I’m hoping by the end of the week I will have an answer to this.
yep as saturn passed 29 libra squaring my natal saturn at 29 cap, sextile my leo nth node it surfaced the first time, it was such deep rooted well pummled in mindset that it took a lot of work to shift it, thought I had, then as saturn trined my sun at 0 scorp up it reared its ugly head yet again, it was then the real fear showed itself which was that I was never going to be able to stop my fathers negative mindset about this world to stop sabbotaging me without my catching it. Hopeful now that i have worked real hard that i have managed to shift it and i wont need to wait long as i am sure all will be revealed one way or another as saturn conjunct my neptune at 8 scorp, trining my natal merc…here’s hoping!
Best wishes for success in your challenge Elsa and everyone else going through this, with neptune and jupiter involved as you said, its not clear and yet many feeling pushed to at least try to go with their passions, a leap of faith is never easy and we all seem to be standing on the edge of that cliff in some way being dared to leap, at least thats how it feels my end.
Thanks, Conch, but I was definitely not fit. I wouldn’t want me on my jury and that says it all!
Hey check this out, it’s really good: fake it until you become it!
moon Neptune wow thanks for posting the ted talks video on body language. Ted talks videos are always inspiring but that one was just awesome.
I recently moved back to my Midwestern hometown after an 18 year absence. I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to find a job, make new friends, let alone date. But, within 90 days I was able to do all of the above. Now, I am happier than ever. lol. I have a Cap Moon and my Lilith is also in Cap. Perhaps, it’s the Aries Sun that keeps me steaming ahead.
Like you Elsa, I have a fear of failure. I just feel so inadequate whenever I fall of short of my goals but, my biggest fear is getting close to people. I had a rule whenever I was younger was DTA, Don’t Trust Anyone, (yeah borderline paranoia) but I relaxed somewhat over the years and, I was a little more open. Hopefully, maybe my fears will be conquered and dealt with during this transit.
I have all the usual Capricorn fears (Cap Sun, Venus/Vesta, Mercury/Ceres); but not so much that I can’t do something, more that I’ll never succeed in getting anything off the ground, and this is paralysing.
And sadly I have long experience of how true that is! I really do suck at selling myself. So my fear is that all my talents and efforts will go to waste. A big part of this is too much perfectionism: I fear I’ll never get anything done well enough (putting myself constantly in professional situations where there are deadlines is a good cure for this!)
Are you f–ing kidding me, who shoved that sh– down your throat, you were mind f—ed by a bunch of lawyers, you were not advantageous to either side that is about it , do not let anyone ever tell you that, and do not ever believe it!!!!!!
Charles, you’re wrong. Thanks for your passion though. ;0
You are welcome,but I think everyone has a point of view and a sense of what is right or wrong and no one should be exempt from participating in our judicial system or discouraged from participating in it. I am just not getting the subtleties of what you are saying, but yes it was meant to be supportive.
I appreciate it, Charles.
What I found out, is I can be neither fair nor impartial, and in fact, I was so upset, I wrecked my car on the lunch break.
Intellectually, I can understand what is needed to be a juror, within the law. Emotionally, I am not up to it. I don’t have a proper degree of detachment, and don’t think I would serve my fellow citizen(s) very well by sitting on a jury.
Basically, I am nowhere near as cool a customer as I thought! 🙂
Wow,that is a good point. In that light, I may not be good at it either, LOL!!!!!
Yeah, I enjoyed my call to jury duty though. I told the perp and his attorney, I thought he was a reprobate, and enjoyed myself immensely.
Right up until I wrecked my car, lol!
But I do like that word, “reprobate”, so the day was not a total waste for, Elsa.
Elsa, you’re cracking me up today 🙂
I read this hours ago, and Im still laughing. That is excellent,(except the part about your car).