Relying On Others (To The Extreme)

I tend to consult others (friends or experts) when I’ve got a sticky problem. I was stunned the first time I wrote about this as the overwhelming majority of people reported they ran their own life, they preferred to make their own mistakes and basically just wanted (or needed) to learn things the hard way or at least they wanted to learn them on their own.
In contrast, I take good advice all the time.

For example when my sister sent me my wedding dress (pictured), I went out to shop for shoes. She said that silver would be a good choice and she mentioned the type of heel I should look for. Armed with this information, I went shopping but when I got there I had to call her.

I was standing in front of the shoe display. “Shiny or matte?” I asked. I left the store with the shiny shoes and never gave it another thought.

This is a superficial example but a good one because I followed her guidance, on faith.

There are times I ask for advice and I am sure the advice receive is sound. It’s logical or perhaps the person details their train of thought and it causes a “eureka” reaction. Other times it is nowhere near as clear.

This might be because the situation is risky. If you do a certain thing, you will probably get a decent but it might also backfire and badly. But other times I may be too close to a situation to see it clearly so I truly have to rely on another person’s vision.

This is a common scenario with me, I chock it up to my Saturn Neptune flavored chart. Reality is often confused so I call around my circle gathering impressions and then make decisions based on other people’s view of things. This is when you really hang yourself out there.

I can see why some would never want to do this but some of us have little choice. It’s like being forced to trust. It’s an interesting way to live. It leaves the quality of your life dependent on the quality of the people you associate with, their brains, their integrity and skills, etc. What a trip, huh?

Have you ever acted based on another person’s interrelation of your life? Why and how did it go?

Related


Comments

Relying On Others (To The Extreme) — 30 Comments

  1. I mostly make my decisions alone. A few times I have really been in a pickle(vast insane understatement) and have asked my closest friends for advise, which I took, with pretty bad results.

    I have had to realize that I am so different from even the people closest to me, that they, for the most part, have no idea what I should do.I think often people advise what they would do rather than what you should do. My friends are wonderful at being supportive however.

    I am kind of an anomaly in terms of what I value, and what is the bottom line for me, and since I have to live with my choices, I do ask from time, but I try to listen critically to the advise rather than just saying thank you and jumping.

    I have really wished I could get some good advise from someone close to me many times. I will ask an expert for a technical thing and follow that completely.

    The thing is, I am sought after for advise by many, and I do consultations formally and informally for all kinds of things. I have been advised rather than having different business cards I should just get one that says Consultant with my # on it.I really appreciate the trust others show me in asking for my help.

  2. Wow, my life is so different. I have to constantly confer with other people. I just can’t imagine having to deal with life without tapping the energy and experience of others.

  3. I do this. I don’t have a large circle to draw from but I definitely am a it foggy when it comes to my personal decisions. Could be saturn-neptune, or my aqua moon in the 7th, or my 12th house sun who knows. I just know that my view of reality is often skewed and it’s almost shocking to hear the outside (or more reality-based as I call it) perspective! I’m pretty independent about a good deal of things but when it comes to relationships or choices that are going to completely change my life (I can’t tame the uranus in my chart, it bends my logic to its will) I ask for help. Logical help of what they’d do “in my shoes” is the best gift a friend can give to me.

  4. “a man is lying in a pile of gravel on the side of a road, playing with a compass”

    this is the description of the first degree sagittarius (my sun position) from “the zodiac image handbook”, and it just about sums me up.

    add onto that a parallel with neptune, and it’s no wonder I am spread out all over the place, and therefore immobile.

    The only direction I ever take is the one that’s laid out to me by someone who seems to know where they are going.

    I think it also has to do with having pluto in the eleventh – strong minded friends. people inflencing me.

    I have to say that I don’t trust their advice particularly, I just feel hypnotised by the person who has that direction, and think I should go there to watch and learn. some times it works out pretty well, but I usually feel shortchanged in some way, because I didn’t know how to get what I wanted, or even what it was.

    As far as shoes and clothes go, I never take advice, but probably shoudl

  5. I used to constantly seek advice, and I still would, but I went through a stage in my late teens/early twenties where everywhere I turned I was getting the same message on replay: “I can’t tell you, you have to figure it out yourself.”

    Aquarius hates asking and getting stonewalled. So, now a few years late of asking NO advice, I’m trying to bring the pendulum back to center a bit and find a balance.

    I love advice, but I kind of stink at taking it. I just file it away for later reference… I think that annoyed my advisers.

  6. Von, I’m very similar to you! I have Capricorn Mercury, and I very well may be asking for input just to see if anyone agrees with me.

    Sun/Moon Aquarius, if they donโ€™t agree then I’m inclined to rebel just to see if it CAN be done.

    *sigh* “Don’t come crying to me when…”
    I think THAT is (Moon/Venus)+Saturn.

  7. I renovated my Edwardian home 6 months ago based on every tradesman’s advice. I asked for everyone’s opinion and if I intuitively felt theirs was quite different to my overall vision I wouldn’t take it on. The idea was to make them each responsible for their work and we actually created a work of art. I am sending pics to a home beautiful magazine to feature the home – because they all think so!
    I’m a Scorpio with Venus in the 1st House with the Sun in the 11th.
    Your work really inspires me Elsa!!

  8. I love to hear other people’s views, and always consult my trusted circle(who know me pretty much inside out) about important matters, especially when I have got caught up in (Saturn conjunct Neptune) confusion over something that really matters. Without the advice of those people.. I’d feel quite lost. It’s so often in listening to the suggestions, advice and thoughts of others that I find my own mind sharpening, clearing. Love that dress Elsa!

  9. I ask for advice a lot…when it comes to trivielle matters …like food, clothes..ect…but most of the time their answer will more than likely just make my choice clearer….I can be indecisive.
    On the big things , I do not really ask others…or I ask but dont really follow through on their advice..witch in many situations have been very stupid of me..
    Trusting others …I think that it is very mature thing to do, as long as you are not in a situation where people use it to manipulate you…but I would love to trust people more when it comes to my life…I allways expect people to ask me for advice…and more times than not give it without them asking
    -negative thing, I know-trying to control myself more-…
    but there is nothing better than people bennefitting by your help..and when you trust someone with these things , I think you give them alot
    I really need to get better than I am in asking for advice…but I love knowing peoples viewpoint on everything…and will discuss/ ask about anything under the sun

    The one thing I never will ask for…and I have fought about this 50 times with my friends atleast is directions…I need to know I can find a location or get somewhere without help…hahah such a guy in that area….
    I have Leo moon , and love it
    when people ask me for relationship advice…I will go on and on analysing and dramatically explaining everything to them..;-)…and I have never been in a relationship…I am such a fraud..

  10. It’s definetely your libra mars. Haha. Having venus in libra, i always ask for a second opinion, and then if they say something like,”I don’t know.” I persist in asking the same question using different words. hahahaha.

  11. Moon in Taurus in 11H. I know who – and of course, mostly women but also a few men – I can trust to give me great advice. But I am also stubborn so I won’t take any of it if I’m not convinced. I’m always grateful for the time given by people for giving me some piece of advice.

    And it is totally different from people trying to control me! I see this miles ahead and have learned to flush them in my mental toilet when that happens.

    Saturn – Neptune square here so I realize I may not project myself totally accurately (or people may not perceive me as who I think I am).

    On another note, maybe this is why I always seem to get the wrong gifts – I really tend to get things I don’t appreciate… and I like so many things! ๐Ÿ˜‰ So when I give gifts, unless I know the person well, I now rely on gift vouchers so people can choose at least what they want or they can pass it on. Sorry for digressing…

  12. I used to believe that I did better if I took my own decisions without consulting anyone. With time it became clear that this was not the smartest thing to do.
    I started to value other people’s opinion and seeking their advice more often and most of the times that came to be of a great benefit.
    I relate when Elsa says that sometimes we are just too close to the situation to see it clearly. I prefer to rely on a trusted or in a more experience person to help me see the “big picture”. Now I feel more comfortable when I can rely on someone, not to make the decisions for me, but sometimes just to show me a different side of the situation.
    The greatest challenge for me is to know in whom to trust.

  13. sometimes the advice is sound and so right,yet you just cannot do it,,,
    i learnt to ask which was a problem initially ,a mix of pride conceit/shyness
    friends really care, but sometimes they get fed up when its the same issue and you never get it, so you hide
    it takes courage to try courage to fail courage to talk and courage to forgive =courage to love daily
    i do notice more simplicity and acceptance with people who do share and seek advice ,as they put their trust in you ,you don’t want to fail them
    whenever i have kept silent on things they grew to disproportionate dimensions and suffered greatly from it.
    sun ,rising mars and venus in gemini
    moon in sag

  14. Marta pretty much summed up my feelings about the issue.

    I’d only like to add that it has become much easier for me not only to take but also to ask for an advice after my first Saturn return. My Saturn is in the 12th house, so I also have a tendency to take any advice given as critism. But, as Elsa pointed out in a follow-up to her post about blind spots a couple of weeks ago, when Saturn is transiting on the blind spot planet, someone may get through and make the person aware of it. In my case it was my then new boyfriend with a packed 8th house. We’re still together, and his advice is much appreciated.

  15. I ask for and follow advice of friends and family very rarely. Very very rarely. I usually work really hard to define the problem before I ask the advice also. I have found, more often than not, that the people offering a “solution” are projecting their own problems onto me and offering solutions that they themselves wouldn’t follow but want me to “try out” for them or something. Example – good girlfriend I can no longer talk to about dealing with my SO’s ADHD. He struggles and it impacts our relationship (some days moreso) and she cannot begin to offer advice because she has ADHD also and her marriage is falling apart because she won’t give her husband any grace for what the ADHD can do to a relationship. Another guy friend has ADD in a milder form that has been treated very well and he doesn’t necessarily give advice but gives LOTS of insight as to how he’s seeing something and how he struggles with the ADD and THAT helps me apply changes and patience to my own relationship. I find that my saturn/neptune means that unless i try very very very hard most people around me won’t understand the problem I’m trying to detail, much less be able to grasp a solution. I’m tired of those around me projecting their own problems on me and “solving” them. So I’ve reduced the list of people that I ask for advice drasticly in the last 5 or so years. That said – those I do consult – I take very very seriously. And i”m always open to hair, clothes, shoes advice as I’m downright blind in that area ๐Ÿ˜€ and it’s not a “make it or break it” decision process but more fun and experimental. Sure I’ll try that idea – see how it feels for me, see if it works. Cool, look at that – you were so right I feel better with that sassy orange accent scarf. Thanks. But the serious stuff mostly brings out other people’s issues. That’s why I consult Elsa. She’s a professional and can see oh so clearly where things stand. A rarity in my life and worth every penny.

    I should also note that on the flip side I get asked a LOT for advice for handling work situations, relationship situations, big life stuff and I’d say 80 or 90 percent of the time I am as blunt as can be and I get a thank you a month or 6 months later and told how right I was. Standing outside is so much easier and my 12th house stuff really helps me with long-term solutions for my friends. Go figure.

  16. i do a gut check and if the advice passes, i sure do take it. it would be stupid not to and while i’m many things, stupid is not one of ’em.

  17. Thanks Elsa, great blog, really hit home! I grew up as an only child and have a very overprotective, overbearing mother. I have always gone to her for advice, or decision-making regarding anything and everything. However while she has my best interests at heart, she has never approved of the guys I’ve dated, hence I am still single! However earlier this year I realized sometimes this control is too much (relying on one person is too unbalanced), and sat her down (err a few times) to tell her to please try to be more of a friend than a dictator. I do appreciate and love our friendship, but not when that is leveraged for her own plans/desires for me. I think now we are finally achieving a balance (I am 36) :p

    Coincidentally, her mother was also very controlling -did the exact same thing to her growing up. When my mom was 40 (married with a child: me), she finally had to sit my grandma down and tell her to “butt out” of her life. My grandma would go as far as to buy her groceries (a nice gesture), and then call her to tell her how to wash her blueberries and where to put things. Apparently she still does this stuff to this day, but I try to stay out of it. Crazy energy!

    I did not notice how much my mom did it to me (and I let her) until two recent events happened, which really opened my eyes. The first one was last summer, my Grandma became very ill, was hospitalized, and nearly died. Her own toughness and tenacity brought her through, but I really saw her and my mom “go at it”, which made me realize “I dont want to be like that”. I removed myself from any obligation regarding her death (though she has regained strength and is back to normal). My grandma still tries to control my mom, who is now 60.

    The second event was also last summer, I reconnected with a former co-worker from my past and began dating him. I felt like it was love at first sight, we were absolutely smitten with each other – so much in common, including career, goals, travel, etc. It was like the 18 years since we’d seen each other had never passed, we were like kids, and he looked great, he expressed the same about me. I thought Finally! Happiness (I still do think of him in this positive, beautiful light)! ๐Ÿ˜‰

    We emailed/texted almost daily and decided to continue seeing each other, and I was in heaven. Around the time of our 3rd date however, he started acting rather strangely, somewhat vague and evasive (like he *got scared* and pulled away). He told me point blank that he was not “permitted” to be in a serious relationship (tried to blame his work schedule, but I later found out most of his co-workers were in serious relationships/married). He then told me he had several “complex personal problems” which were private, and had to do with his family. A mutual friend pegged him as a virgin, or having some serious emotional intimacy issues. However I believe that any issues can be worked through and overcome.

    Turns out, his mom is also very overprotective and overbearing (he is also an only child), and her strong will and emotions have always dominated him, in whatever way. He is 36 years old, and while he has only been living “on his own” for about 4 years, he IS a grown man, who can make his own decisions (not his mother’s decisions to make). She made him break things off with me immediately, accusing me of all sorts of terrible things (stalking him/her, hacking into her blog, yada yada). I could not believe what was happening, as she wrote many negative and untrue things to me and about me, without having ever met me (except possibly when her son and I were in high school). Keep in mind my relationship was with him, not her, though I did wish to meet her and be “approved” of.

    But her mind was made up, her son had no choice. She went as far as emailing me to tell me: not only was he not permitted to date me, he was not permitted to continue relationships with our mutual friends (who we also worked with 20 years ago). I was appalled by this level of control, but realized immediately “wow, this is too familiar- just like my mom”! He relies on his mom for his daily decisions, more than he should at his age. Unfortunately, her own marriage is rocky from what I understand, and her relationship with her own mother was also unfavorable – she did not even know her real father.

    Do you think these *family ties* are relevant to her control of her only child (now a grown man)? Is she holding onto something she should not? Why not let him *be a man* and be with a woman who loves and cares for him? I felt as though she was intimidated of me, as if I were taking that control from her, even though I was not (and could not ever take the place of a mother). One of his former supervisors suggested he should probably get some counseling before reconciling with me. Always best to get a second opinion!

    Because I have that understanding of the situation now, I see not only a parallel, but a way up and out of it- and I finally have peace. I myself have been going to counseling, which Im hoping/trusting he is doing too. Of course I was devastated when he broke things off with me, about 3-4 months ago. But now I would easily welcome him back with open arms (of his own accord, reconciliation IS a viable option in MY book). I know that control is not healthy, but those who give in to it are also putting themselves in the position to be hurt, tossed about, confused, or even abused, as they are then NOT ultimately in control of their OWN destiny.

    I guess we all have to learn the hard way sometimes, even if we get hurt. If the lesson learned is meant to help us break out of a box, or a rut, or otherwise just *grow up*, the universe will keep sending us cues and clues to help us do so. Its different for everyone, some rely on others for advice, but others rely too much. I sympathize with the 36-year old virgins out there. Mommy, let him go, he needs to grow, and experience love OUTSIDE OF the mother’s nest. Maybe her own marriage (and her relationship with her mother) will benefit(?) from this release of control over baby boy… I sure hope so! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  18. my life has become waaaaay better once i started paying more attention to who i asked about what… and just plain talking to more people. getting the same thing all the time kinda’ distorted my reality…

  19. I also have a Saturn-Neptune flavored chart, and I had to learn this. My SO is very observant, and I’ve had to trust him to gauge my logic and be my grounding. I was always skeptical at first of what he said because I like to know that I can trust my own judgement to some extent, even if there is fog, but it’s really been hitting home how foggy Neptune can be.

    At least one day a month, I would say I am literally crazy. You say X, I think you said Y, and this Y has nothing to do with reality. I really feel that this Y was at least partially true, but it’s not, at all! It is scary because it forces me to completely rely on someone else because my reality is *completely* gone.

    An illustration would be that you say nothing, but I think you said something, so I start talking to myself about whatever I thought you said. Then I find out you didn’t say anything, but since I really feel that you did say something (it feels exactly like reality), I start to argue with you that you did. How crazy is that?

  20. This is interesting Elsa. I have noticed this trait in few near ones where they simply dont take independent decisions. Every step must be vetted and discussed and consulted with someone else. I personally feel a bit hesitant to give my opinion coz different things work for different people. And each advice has some ramifications, a serious of events to follow. Even wen one can take first level advice, if he/she cant manage consequences of that advice, its tough. Obviously, for small decisions impact would nt be severe.
    I, on other hand, amongst those ppl who alwz wana do their own mistakes so that the lessons are deeply learnt/absorbed and responsibility of decisions lie with my only. Perhaps, too much cardinal energy in my chart. But I am slowly learning to let go a bit and let others help/give advice to me. It def helps to see thing from others point of view sometime.

  21. Love the dress! When I was told Friday that I needed a steroid epidural, I immediately called my friends who had friends who were anesthesiologist or other people who had back issues or surgery or injections. I needed to gather as much information as possible to see if this is something I wanted to do. I’m grateful I have these people in my life

  22. I am one of those that does not ask for advice..I do read self help books so I guess that’s the same thing.. Usually People come to me for advice, probably because I do the work and do all the reading..LOL

  23. I think you have described cause of this precisely in your previous post:
    “โ€ขIf your problem is lifelong and chronic, stop what youโ€™re doing and try to figure out what it is about you, that is so off-putting. (hint โ€“ itโ€™s usually has to do with stubbornness and/or pride.)
    โ€ขMake sure you are actually interested in knowing another human being, rather than just filling the chair next to you, You, YOU.” Especially “stubbornness and/or pride”

  24. All these years later, I saw the photo and recognized the dress as Elsa’s wedding dress. Although, I did have to read the post to be sure I was right.

    I check myself a lot. It’s my Capricorn. And my Saturn Neptune.

Leave a Reply to Candela Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *