I’m Pregnant – My Fiance Is Addicted To Porn

gemini vintage pendant

Dear Elsa,

My fiance and I have been together for about 2 and a half years now. I am also pregnant with our first child. We have had our ups and downs but we finally got an apartment together and were starting to make it a home for our son who is due in less than two months. I am very concerned for my son and myself because of my fiance’s addiction to porn. I do not want my son to grow up in an environment where his daddy sits up and tries to sneak looking at the garbage.

As for myself, I have always had weight issues, but before I found out I was pregnant I was almost (about 2 sizes away) from being exactly what size I wanted to be. Now that my stomach is getting bigger I am really starting to become depressed because of the porn. I understand that what is inside of me is beautiful and special, a brand new life that God has created for me to be a part of, but he really seems lately to not want anything to do with me or the baby. I go to doctors appointments by myself or with my mom, I have to literally beg him to come put his hand on my stomach to feel the baby kick, and on top of that, he does not find me attractive anymore. He does not hold me at night like he used to, or kiss me just to kiss me, hug me to hug me, he just doesn’t touch me. All he does is wait until I fall asleep then comes back into the dining room, turns on the computer and looks at porn.

I’m tired of feeling like I am never good enough for him because those tanned, skinny girls are so much better. It has gotten to the point to where he has caught me crying about it, but still continues to try and be sneaky the same night, knowing almost every time he does look at it he gets caught because I either wake up to it or obviously have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night… I’m pregnant!

When I try to have sex with him he tells me that he is too tired from work that day. I am also concerned because he has been very snappy lately. I read somewhere that when a person has an addiction they tend to lie, snap back, start fights, and have a tendency to cheat. I have no clue what to do. I pray to God every night that He can help him realize that this addiction is hurting our relationship and will ultimately end up hurting our son.

20 Year Old Gemini
United States

Dear Gemini,

You sound like an inordinately mature 20 year old to me. Your ability to see and articulate your very painful situation without becoming hysterical is impressive so keep you cool head it will serve you. I also like that you have (obviously) educated yourself about addiction, that you know that there is a person inside your body and you have sophisticated awareness as to how this is effecting you emotionally. Since you are already so competent I am just going to add what I know and trust you to parse it.

As to getting your fiance to see what you see, I don’t think you are going to be able to do that. It would be like getting an alcoholic to see their drinking has a negative affect on other people. They are not going to see that because they do not want to see that. What they want to do is get at the bottle and what your fiance wants to do is get at the skinny tanned girl which is no reflection on you.

And because these addictions are not just similar but the same, al-anon techniques will be helpful so I would look into that. I know you are pregnant but you can scan this stuff online and you are obviously smart and intuitive enough I am willing to bet you will be able to absorb what you need to get yourself out of this.

There is also a gem of a book (with a ridiculous title) Getting Them Sober and I would pick this up as well. Never mind the title the information in that book is exceedingly clear which is what you need when dealing with something like this.

Last, it goes without saying, I don’t think you should marry this guy. You’re in very deep as it is and this is not working so you don’t want to go any deeper. You don’t have to leave, just don’t go any deeper until you’ve had your baby and had a chance to let your hormones settle… this will take at least 6 months after the birth.

Other than that, just keep doing what you’re doing. Keep your cool head and feel your way. Have your baby and if you have to leave this guy you will. Because you are right. It’s going to be very hard to be a family with daddy out in the garage beating off. But don’t think for a minute this is the end of you. You have a Scorpio Moon conjunct Pluto and anyone who counts you out is a fool.

I am very sorry. Much love and good luck.

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I’m Pregnant – My Fiance Is Addicted To Porn — 20 Comments

  1. Dear Gemini: Elsa’s advice is very, very good. I hope that during the last couple of months of your pregnancy you are able to take care of your needs as best you are able to. I’m sorry you feel so alone in your relationship. 🙁

    Here’s sending love to you!

  2. I agree with Elsa’s advice to. When I first started reading Gemini’s letter, it didn’t seem too big a deal to me that he looked at stuff; but his cruel neglect of her and defensive, sneaky behavior does not bode well for the future. She deserves better.

  3. Sorry, Elsa’s way off the mark on this one. Essentially you’re feeling bad about yourself and you’re blaming your fiance. You mentioned that you’ve struggled with weight issues throughout your life, so this is an old pattern that’s been heightened because of your pregnancy. As you’re noticing that your fiance isn’t able to make you feel better, and worse yet, he’s looking at porn, which just confirms what you already believe about yourself, you’re sinking even deeper. To top it off, you’ve decided to blame your fiance for it all, which ends up making you even less attractive to him.

    Now as to whether you should marry this guy or not, I can’t say. What I do know is that nobody else will ever be able to fix the way you feel about yourself, not a parent, not a lover, not a friend, not a child. Its all about you learning to love yourself.

    Speaking of responsibility and maturity, now is the time to address this because your baby is on the way. You can decide that its all your fiance’s fault, but how long before you teach your child that there’s something wrong with him or her because he’s he can’t possibly please mommy all the time? That’s EXACTLY what you’re trying to do to your fiance.

    Yes, its tempting to blame this all on porn but that’s just a red herring. Would the situation be any different if instead of porn he spent all his time at work instead? Or with friends? Or in front of the TV? You’d still end up wanting to put him in a 12-step program because he’d rather play Fantasy Football than be with you.

    At the end of the day, as long as you’re willing to say, “My happiness depends on you changing,” you’ll always be a victim, because nobody can ever contort themselves enough to fill that void. Nor should they. What’s inside of you really is special and beautiful, but I’m not talking about your baby. Learn to see that about yourself and that will solve your problem.

  4. Marc makes some good points, but I think alot depends on things that we read between the lines, and we each read it a little differently of course. Like, I am not sure Gemini is blaming her fiance for everything. It is hard to know exactly how to respond with limited information.

    I do think that probably men and women often (not always of course) disagree about pornography in the first place. I’ve heards other (heterosexual) women express a sense of being in competition with the images in porn, amongst other misgivings.

  5. Interesting. I so TOTALLY agree with Elsa. Marc, you get to be the male voice here. But one thing YOU’RE not seeing is that her fiance is not demonstrating mature behavior. The very best you can say is that he sounds very selfish.

    I personally think you guys are WAY too young to be entering a permanent situation — having a kid is tough enough. Listen to Elsa. That was good advice. Marc? not so much.

  6. casey31652 – thanks for that. It is also hard to understand what it is like to be pregnant when you’ve not been pregnant and this gal is doing fantastically well considering he age and condition. You can’t solve all problems at 20 years old, never mind with a baby on the way.

    It is not that I disagree with Marc necessarily, I just took into consideration the precise circumstances and when a person is about to come out of your body, this completely eclipses whatever this guy’s rights are to play with his dick.

    The book I recommended helps a co-dependent person to separate themselves from what another person is doing and I feel this would be most helpful. This gal is obviously intelligent and I would just like to see her get through this challenging time because as I said, besides her intellect, her chart is very energetic and if anyone can come up from behind it is this gal but please… you can only do so much at a time and making a baby is a big deal.

    This is why I mentioned the “6 months after” date. I want her to give herself some time to orient herself once her baby is born because I have had a baby (2 of them) and I know what it takes and the guy?

    Well he didn’t write me! If he does, I will talk to him. She wants to know what to do and I think she is already doing what she needs to do… time heels all wounds, lets give her some!

  7. ALL guys watch porn, even those whose girlfriend is not pregnant…It doesn’t mean anything.
    I understand it is difficult for a girl if the guy doesn’t touch her anymore but she should be patient until giving birth…and see after what happens.

  8. Monica– I don’t think it is the guy watching porn that is such the problem. It’s his total lack of consideration for the feelings of his young, pregnant fiancee. Judging by her description, he is withholding affection in addition to his porn habit. I think that’s the real problem; not the porn, but the fact that he would rather have a relationship with it, instead of his pregnant wife-to-be. Selfish in the extreme.

    Been there, done that. Good luck Gemini!

  9. Maybe the guy is an immature, inconsiderate creep, maybe he truly is addicted to porn, maybe he’s narcissistic and selfish, maybe he’s only cares about sex to the exclusion of all other things, maybe he’s just an intrinsically bad person and doing this all just to spite her. BAD BAD BAD, he’s just REALLY REALLY BAD. Awful, he’s terrible, all the bad labels I can come up with, he’s horrible. Selfish, cruel, manipulative, incapable of love and just not partnership material. Did I miss anything? Oh, bad breath too… and he leaves the toilet seat up. What’s worse, he’s doing it all while she’s pregnant. Double fiddle sticks on him…

    …except that this isn’t about him. This is about her and the way she feels about herself. As long as she’s busy trying to convince him that he’s an addict she’s missing her own addictive tendencies, which is the one thing she can do something about.

  10. Marc – I don’t think you are addressing me but for the record, that book DOES address her addictive tendencies and very specifically.

  11. Grace – yes. It just makes it very clear that trying to control what another person is doing is fruitless and destructive not only to yourself but to the person you are trying to save or reform. And this girl is smart enough I think she can grasp this and if and when she does she will be equipped to take the next step. See, this is an advice column. It cannot solve your life but I hope to give people something that will allow them to advance. Capricorn, I guess. Take this step and you’ll find the next…..

  12. Oh *I* know it’s an advice column, lol. I think you’re advice is fine. I just like to look at things from every angle before I don’t make a decision. 😉 TY Seventh House…

  13. Dear Gemini,
    My heart goes out to you. Just when you need to know and hear more than ever that you are unconditionally beautiful and loved and supported….

    Ya, Marc, the bitter truth, true or not, easier said than done, it’s a process. Everyone grows and learns their lessons at their own pace, in their own time. If only we could all just decide wake up one day and say, hey, it’s all good! all of the sudden, even though I was a codependent yesterday, now suddenly I totally and completely am in love myself and therefore accept my man, or have the choice to kick him out on his ass. Because out of the blue, suddenly I am empowered. As if…

    Gemini, take heart. You have reached out, and obviously most here support you. Are you seeking out support in your own life? Do you have family and friends you can fall back on? People who maybe you could move in with, if needed? I hope you can do that or develope that.

    Here’s a mantra from Louise Hay that I have used before (say Over and Over again) instead of dwelling on anxiety or the unknown future, or how hurtful someone is acting/has acted. And it has worked in my life. Say it with conviction!

    “Out of this situation, only good will come.” and “This situation is being resolved for the highest good of all”

    Bless your heart, and your little one’s. You have a so much of life ahead of you, and you will have so many choices and opportunities, even if it doesn’t seem that way right now.

  14. Not all men look at porn, some find it quite repulsive esp once they understand the position many of these women find themselves in. When you look into their eyes many look dead and i find it sad that anyone is stimulated by this. But thats my opinion, having grown up surrounded by it i know it affected me. Many women get off on it too and it doesnt seem to be a problem when a couple share it. But Elsa gets a lot of requests for advice about this subject so it is a problem that many women seem to have to endure and the problem always seems to be that porn makes their men insensitive to their partners as well as causing needless insecurity. I wouldnt like my partner oggling a tanned goddess with ballons for tits in a bar same as most men wouldnt appreciate the same from their partner so i dont appreciate it in our home either. I understand when you dont have a partner that you may need stimuli but to delibrately and continually expect your partner to accept this to me is just plain selfish. I dont know if my partner looks at porn when i’m not here but i appreciate him being sensitive enough to never let me catch him if he does. A relationship is about compromise and sensitivity to each others emotions aswell as understanding. This guy sounds too immature to get this and theres the hope he may grow out of it. But it sounds like he could care less right now about her or his unborn child. Maybe when the baby is born things will change and i hope for her and the childs sake it does. But if not she needs to be prepared to cope without him. Putting up and shutting up when something is making you unhappy makes you a doormat. Tolerating my man watching football or hanging out with his mates is not the same as him getting sexual stimulation outside of our r’ship be that another (live) woman or one on a screen. Good luck to you and your child Gemini.

  15. Elsa, for the record I was not addressing you at all – Casey had mentioned that I was not seeing that the fiance was being immature and selfish.

    My point was that by making this about how awful the fiance is or whether you do or do not like or approve of porn, we miss the bigger picture — that we don’t always get to control directly our circumstances or how others relate to us, but we CAN change the way look at and treat ourselves.

    Mari, you’re absolutely right that its a process and that each of us are wherever we are. Of course, it doesn’t happen overnight and we stumble along the way. It all works out eventually, if we let it.

    At the same time, empowerment really DOES happen in an instant. Either I’m trying to make myself feel better by trying to change others, in which case I’m really powerless, or I choose to learn to look at myself differently, which I really do control. Out of the blue, I am empowered. But the rub is that empowerment isn’t some plateau that you reach and then you’re done with, its a choice you make from moment to moment.

    I guess the reason I’m commenting again is the implication that somehow I’m not supporting Gemini because I’m not joining everyone in talking about what a bad guy the fiance is. To the contrary, I think the best thing she can learn isn’t that the guy is a bum, it’s that she is more precious than gold and needs to learn to accept that.

  16. I’m sorry, but blaming her for feeling inadequate when she is PREGNANT and her fiance is rejecting her advances and then turing to his computer, that’s just stupid. I’ve had so many girl friends who feel bad about themselves because they have boyfriends who treat them poorly and don’t make them feel special. She’s 20 years old. Most women do not start out feeling like superstars right out of highschool. I’m not saying it’s his responsibility to change the way she feels about herself. But in good relationships people want to make eachother feel good. He’s not treating her right. Period.

    I think Elsa’s advice was great.

    I’m so sorry you’re in that situation, Gemini. I think you should consider if you want to be a mother with a child, married to a grown-up child? Why take on this guy’s problems as if it were your responsibility?

  17. Amethyst, I’m not sure anyone is blaming this gal.
    I think Marc offers another vantage point to the equation, which seems valuable to me. Even if many people here do not agree with it, it appears to me that Marc is essentially talking about self-empowerment, and for some (all?) that involves putting aside concerns about other people’s behaviour and focussing on one’s own. Especially as she is the pregnant one and requires responsible decision making skills.

    It seems that Gemini is in a tough place but possessing capabilities that will pull her through this.

  18. Hi,

    Gemini, How did it all pan out? Positive thoughts your way! I can understand I’m 8 months pregnant and had an “incident” with my partner “H” about 6 months ago after discovering his porn sites (OK I snopped extensively must be honest) made it clear especially whilst im pregant (first child) it made me feel not that good about myself especially seeing he has not touched me since I was 3 months pregnant so I founf it to be hurtful demoralising etc (this ites were pretty graphic I’m no prude but this was pretty extreme what he was searching for. Since its all been OK. This morning I went to check a download I had set night before (not porn!) and to my shock H had stayed up and downloaded a four girl action clip. I was floored he did it again but left it there for me to find! When confronted he states “it was unintentional and could I shut it down for him!!” How does one proceed? He said he was “under alot of stress hence the lack of sexual intamacy” but obviously thisd is not the case. Im a Sag and he’s a Libra.

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