I am a 30-year-old woman who is trying to solve a serious lifelong problem with jealousy. In my romantic relationships, I have always felt really paranoid that my boyfriend is going to become interested in someone else and either leave me or sneak around cheating behind my back. This causes intense emotional turmoil for me – and frustration for my partner, who is being faithful while being suspected of wanting to cheat. The fact that, to my knowledge, no one has ever cheated on me and that I am usually the one to end relationships doesn’t seem to make any difference at all in how I feel. This has been a problem for me even as far back as childhood crushes.
I am really trying to find ways to make this situation better because I feel I have a good (two and half year) relationship right now and don’t want to mess it up. I also have been trying to overcome some serious, chronic health problems, and it seems really bad for my health to have this level of inner turmoil on a regular basis. But every time my boyfriend is even mildly friends with a woman or there is a woman who shares some regular activity/interest with him that I don’t, I feel so suspicious and I start looking for signs of something amiss.
This is driving me crazy! Do you have any ideas on how I can stop feeling this way?
I do have ideas and they may surprise you; they sure surprised me. When I looked at your chart I expected to see all this twisted stuff but that’s not the problem here. You are almost purely projecting.
With your Sun, Mars and Neptune in Sagittarius, it is you who is the flight risk. It is you who scans the horizon and wonders what else is out there.
With Venus in Aquarius and square Uranus, you are the one highly prone to commitment-phobia and sudden attractions, relationships that start and end very quickly and there are other things all indicating the same flavored thing. So it seems to me what you’re dealing with is fear. Fear these men feel the way you do, which I can pretty much assure you they do not.
I say this with confidence because I look at charts all day and have for about 35 years and it’s rare to come across one with such a prominent theme. It’s like being a redhead, for example. You stand out. And your experience supports my findings. The men don’t cheat and you leave. So how to fix?
I’d say you’ve got a real challenge but the first step would be to realize it is you, not them. Make yourself conscious of your own freedom urge and propensity to look around and see tasty things. And when you see how extreme this is in you, then start coaching yourself to understand that while others feel similar urges from time to time, they feel them at a level of 2 to 3, where you experience this stuff around 8-9 and I can tell you how this works first hand.
I have sexual impulse allllll the time. I literally see men walk by and want to mount them, right there and right then. My drive is fierce. I see sex everywhere as well and I assume men experience this too, which of course makes me feel like you do. Jealous!
But over the years I’ve come to realize that I’m actually more inclined to experience these urges than the average man and hey. I manage to control myself so maybe they can too. Armed with that understanding, I just pick men who are like me – not inclined to betray people – and this works out.
So I think if you increase your awareness and own what is happening inside of you, you’ll have a similar reality emerge. Whatever he may be thinking you’re thinking it times 10 so do you really have to worry about him? Probably not. You can probably stay plenty busy just trying to police yourself.
Elsa nailed this one! If you decide that being in a long term relationship is what you want, then learning to find your sense of freedom within is key. I have Uranus in my 7th House & Venus is Sagittarius in the 1st, so it took me some time to figure this out. Hey, it’s OK to be free-wheeling and solitary too. That tiresome old adage about knowing one’s self is still true . . . 🙂
lots of good advice in this for anyone. say, for example, once i realized that a series of destructive relationships i’d experienced (with similar themes) reflected a self destructive instinct, it was a whole lot easier to shake loose of the mess, which was really all in my head.
this gives me another good angle to look at certain things from. though the issues are different.
I submitted this question — thanks, Elsa, for your advice. I’m very aware that I have these tendencies myself, so much that I considered sending an addition to my question that I’m not blind to my own shadow — it just makes me think that everyone feels this way. Pretty much what you said. But it does really help to hear your perspective that it’s much more emphasized in me than many other people; thank you, and I will try to remember that when I’m tempted to start feeling jealous.
I wonder, though, how much I can change this feeling through pure perspective, as with my Scorpio rising and Mercury/Pluto square I’ve found it difficult in my life to change obsessive or suspicious thinking, even when the rest of me is saying to let it go already. It’s very obvious to me that most of the problems I have originate in my own head and not outside, yet that insight frequently doesn’t budge the problematic thoughts. Any insights on Mercury/Pluto, anyone?
Thanks again, Elsa.
Any insights on Mercury/Pluto, anyone?
As one with Mars/Mercury conjunct in Scorpio square Pluto, I recommend Donna Cunningham’s book “Healing Pluto Problems”. She’s got some great, simple phrases that we can pound into our brains that really, really help undo obsessive thought patterns. It can be done!!! 🙂
Thanks, Neith. I’ll check out that book, and thanks for the encouragement that these things can budge, since you have a similar Mercury pattern!
I used to have these issues b/c my father did cheat on my mother numerous times which I don’t blame b/c I know what he had to put up with. I guess therapy helped b/c I either kinda trust men not to cheat or I don’t worry like I did. Also I worked hard to learn to communicate, be nonthreatening, interact learn body language etc that I am almost psychic now. If they are about to do something I will get wind of it.
Mary Todd Lincoln a Sag Sun conjoined Uranus was a compulsive jealous Presidents Wife in the 1860s