Porn Addiction: Scorpio Sun, Moon, Rising

Dear Elsa,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and things are wonderful… except I think he is addicted to porn. I have caught him on several occasions and each time there has been a big blow out, and each time I tell him how hurt and betrayed it makes me feel. Then he says he will stop, and then I catch him again.

The stuff he is looking at is not out of the norm but the point is I have very strong feelings about the whole idea of porn, and it seems like he just doesn’t care. He loves me and I know that he does but it is not like I ask that much of him. What it the big deal with the porn – why won’t he stop? He knows how mad I will be when I catch him and he knows how it makes feel.

I am so confused. I have talked to all of my friends and it seems like porn is just something guys do. Should I leave an otherwise wonderful relationship for this? Will I ever find a guy who doesn’t do it?

Confused

Dear Confused,

You have a few questions here, and I can see why you’re confused, so I’m going to try to clarify this for you.

First, your boyfriend is obviously going to look at porn, regardless of how you feel. So on that front, you have two choices. You can either leave him, or change the way you look at his behavior. And this is entirely up to you but I would point this out:

You say, “What’s the big deal about porn?” as far as he goes. But have you asked yourself the same?

And I’m not judging you. If porn is a big deal to you, then it is. And you’re obviously having a gut reaction to it, but have you thought about this with your higher mind? Because if you do, you may find a way out of your predicament.

For what it’s worth, when I was younger I felt very much like you do about porn. But these days, I am very neutral. I just could care less. Dicks and asses, asses and pussies… asses, asses, asses and pussies. Big deal. Porn is common! It’s boring, even. It’s a dick, another dick, another dick and yet another dick. It’s an acrobatic girl sucking her toe with her eyes rolled back in her head, and a false look on her face. So whaaaat? What’s that next to a warm body and a beating heart? It does not compare.

But if someone wants to sit in front of their computer and look at this stuff, well go right ahead. And if you happen get addicted to it… if you happen to sit in front of your computer hours on end looking at the sea of flesh out there, while other people live free, well that’s your problem, not mine. You’re the one who can’t get up from the computer! And if you’re my boyfriend and doing this?

Well, obviously, I’m going to walk! I’m going to leave you to your business and go find myself a man who focuses on my body and my need for sex.

But what if my boyfriend looks at this or that, now and then? Well that’s a different story. I don’t this is that a big deal. We’re all curious and it’s just pictures. Would I want him telling me what I could and could not look at? Of course not.

But I only got this way by examining my strong reactions years ago. And in my case, it was my insecurities being triggered. And when feelings like that come up inside, they can be very overwhelming. Especially to a triple Scorpio like you! So obviously a person will move to try control the cause, but this is not a path to freedom. So here’s my advice:

Ask yourself, “Why does this bother me so much? Why???”

Focus on YOU, not him and his behavior. Examine why this bothers you so much, and you may just stumble across a path to freedom. Good luck.

~~
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Porn Addiction: Scorpio Sun, Moon, Rising — 46 Comments

  1. I agree with you, Elsa. Here’s some more questions to help Confused work through this: Do I really think that he would rather be with her than with me? That if that girl came up to him right now and said “come with me”, that he’d go? That he’d choose her over me? Do I think he’s comparing me to her, and wishing that I was thinner, bustier, more athletic? Do I think he might dump me because of that?

    You’ll probably find that you’re just insecure about it and and overreacting, and this exercise will help you relax and accept the fact that you have a normal, heterosexual relationship on your hands! And if you really DO think he’d leave you to pursue an actual porn lifestyle, then either (a) you’re REALLY insecure and need some counselling, or (b) things are not as wonderful as you’ve told us. Or (c), you are much more high maintenance than you think, and you need your man to focus every ounce of his attention on you, to the exclusion of pretty much everything. In which case, see (a). πŸ™‚

  2. “He loves me and I know that he does but it is not like I ask that much of him. What it the big deal with the porn – why won’t he stop? He knows how mad I will be when I catch him and he knows how it makes feel.”

    Well, if it’s really an addiction–and it might be–then you have to understand that no one can ask an addict to stop. No one. It’s not just bc it’s not your place, it’s simply that that’s the nature of addictions. This goes for alcoholism, drug addiction, love addiction, etc. The only person who can decide when s/he can stop is the addict. So, just understand that. It doesn’t mean you have to live with it, though. You may choose to say, Fuck it, this is out of hand. And leave. Or you may decide to stick by him. That’s your choice. But trying to control another person, especially an ADDICT, however harmful his behavior, is a losing battle. You’re wasting your time and your energy and you’ll just end up frustrated.

    None of this is to say that he actually has a porn addiction but I’m just posting this bc people tend to forget that when it comes to addictions and you, the girlfriend/spouse/sibling/what have you, well, you’ll always come 2nd to his/her next fix. Otherwise, it’d be easy to kick addictions, wouldn’t it?

  3. “So whaaaat? What’s that next to a warm body and a beating heart? It does not compare.”

    Exactly. It DOESN’T compare. So for him to go looking elsewhere (porn, strip clubs, whatever) means: “HEY, YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I NEED MORE.”

    Insecurity? Are you kidding me?
    I completely understand how someone could be hurt by this. You obviously feel he is enough. But he doesn’t feel the same. It really pisses me off when people reply with “hey, it’s normal! they all do it! get over it! you’re the one with the problem!”

    You’re not.

  4. “Its just pictures right?”

    I agree with Scorpio Moon. Looking elsewhere is the first warning sign of potential infidelity. A lot of those so-called pictures also incite abuse.

    Get out of this relationship fast and then go find yourself a real man – one who will value your relationship above all else.

  5. Exactly Scorp Moon and Roland…that’s a real crap response ‘Catnmus’ and sounds like you are a porn addict yourself…

    I wouldn’t go out with anyone that interested in porn ever! Addictions of any kind is unhealthy and not a good basis for a relationship and shows a deep immaturity.

    Maybe you need to be more adventurous in bed Confused? Otherwise I’d move on….

  6. If your boyfriend is an addict, then I feel very bad for him and for you. However, if he just likes looking at mainline porn…
    I don’t see what is so upsetting about this. I have had this conversation with girlfriends and tried VERY HARD to see it from the point of view of ‘porn=cheating’ but I can’t. Do you have erotic fiction? Do you have sex dreams involving ppl who aren’t your boyfriend? Do you consider THOSE things to be cheating?

    I don’t think anybody has the right to be the wardress of somebody else’s orgasms, every time and for all eternity.

  7. You are perfectly justified to have a problem with your boyfriend looking at porn. Just because we live in a society where it is considered “normal” for men in relationships to masterbate over other women having sex, does not necessarily mean that it is right for everyone. Yes, many couples enjoy watching pornography together, but the point is you find his behaviour hutful. He knows that you find his behaviour hurtful, and yet he continues this behaviour and then lies about it, essentially choosing to look at these women even at the expense of your relationship.

    There are two possible reasons why he is betraying your trust here. 1)Either he doesn’t care about or respect your feelings enough to try and change his behaviour. 2) He has a genuine addiction to pornography.

    If the former is the case, you need to get out of a relationship where your thoughts and feelings are not respected! If the latter is the case I would suggest calmly explaining that you think he is addicted to pornography, and suggest he seeks counciling. Unfortunately though, as with all addictions, the onus is on him to stop. You need to decide whether you are willing to support him through conquoring his addiction, or are going to cut your losses.

    I hope that helps. I really do feel for you. My boyfriend had a porn addiction that nearly destroyed our relationship, he would say he’d stopped when he hadn’t… and although he hated himself he couldn’t stop, until he realised he had an addiction and decided to fight it. We have been happy for 5 years now, so there is hope for your relationship.

    All the best. xxx

  8. To go from intense, sensuous lovemaking; then within 3 mos – “what if I get tired of you…”; cathing him watching porn flix, fondling himself, maybe even masturbating; our sex life down to MAYBE 3x mon; my scorpio man is given a porn mag, I find it, he tells me “so I can get excited for my baby” – so totally insulted, hung up on him. To me, he’s just cheating:I’m not 20, blonde; and he knows he couldn’t get any better head anywhere else but home. Feeling dishonored, loss of face, when he comes home I don’t feel I can now share myself with this man I love so completely. We share so much together, just no “pillowing” since he lets drugs control him – But Hey! “who loves ya Baby?”. Cancer Scottish Wasp. 9/23/06

  9. I am somewhat comforted to see that I am not the only one with a partner that looks at porn on the internet. My husband loves beautiful nude women in artful settings. I too, have a love of tasteful art. But more and more he is just collecting literally hundreds of pictures from websites he has browsed and selecting what he wants then putting them on a disc. All this is not so unusual, but we have no sex. He hides the CDs and doesn’t admit to having but a few. Personally, I know that he purchased a pack of 24 and over half of them are gone from the case they came in. Now that is more than few. He tried to tell me that he doesn’t collect anything that is a “pussy” explicit picture. But I have seen some of the latest ones and they are all extremely focused on that body part. So now he is lying to me about that. My trust is going down hill fast. I love this man and have had the most wonderful life for the past decade. We are both in our sixties so I understand that sex slows down, but we are having none! I would have the greatest patience for this if this were due to a genuine health problem. He swears up and down that he does not get aroused when he looks at these air brushed phonies, but give me a break…why bother to look at all those body parts if it is just art? Can somebody comment on this? I don’t want to end our relationship. I agree that addictions can only be conquered if the person recognizes they need help. I also believe that I have as much problem as he does in that now I am constantly suspicious and I want to try to see what he is hiding and so I go looking. I feel as though I am developing an addiction to his addiction. Anybody else out there experience this??

  10. I have had the same experience. I caught my boyfriend of 6 years again looking at porn. he says im trying to control him and i have little trust because he lies about it and says all men look at it, but he recently promised to stop and i since put a block on the computer and I tried to get and do some of the things he said he liked and now im catching him looking at sexy women in bathingsuits…this hurts so bad i think it may end our relationship. i have a hard time with it and it makes me feel insecure and not enough for him. i dont know what to do.i tell him how i feel but i dont feel heard and my trust is going and i dont feel secure any more but i love him with all my heart. i wonder if he is trying to punish me for what he says is controling on my part.

  11. I am in a similar bind. I found this site through a google search because I wanted answers. The most frusterating part of this dilemma is that people justify it on every website. Women acknowledge that they feel betrayed when their husbands and boyfriends look at porn, but they try to force themselves to accept the behavior because “all men do it.” I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are in school in two different cities, but we see each other every weekend. I suspected the porn on several occasions (namely the time I found lotion by his computer). I asked him if he looked at porn! He said he didn’t and I BELIEVED him! I think it is important to trust your partner. About a week later, I was using his computer and discovered that he had created a “guest” account. I was curious so I clicked on the account and found that he had been experimenting with a whole spectrum of porn, from visitng jello wrestling websites to downloading porn from utube. I wanted to see what he was into so that I could at least learn to make him happy. He snatched the computer from me and deleted his history. He lied to me about porn several times and even created a new account to hide the porn from me!! He knows how upset I am about this, but he couldn’t even commit to quitting the porn. He said he would try to look less, whatever that means. It has been a week now, I am at his apartment, and his computer is nowhere to be found. I don’t want to be a snoopy girlfriend, and I never was until I found out that he lies to me. This has just consumed me–I have searched his apt for the computer bc I want to know if he has actually made an effort to stop looking. It is so hard to get my mind off of this–especially with late night tv–ive I see another Girls Gone Wild commercial im gonna be sick.

  12. my husband is a recovering sex addict who has been in group therapy for years. his addiction was porn that started as a young boy. it medicated his depression and anxiety caused by negative family situations. i viewed porn on the internet before i met him and realized like books and movies, some is trash and some is acceptable. we incorporate porn movies and looking at magazines together into our life so he knows what i find acceptable and what he likes. he doesn’t have to hide his interest- which he’ll always have- and he doesn’t turn to porn to withdraw. if porn is interfering with human interactions, that’s when it’s a problem. if it’s an escape. and i’m fortunate i can talk to my husband and he hears what i say about it. besides, therapy always helps too!

  13. If we keep setting the bar low for men and keep making excuses for their behavior, they will keep on doing what they are doing. We can control how men treat us by how we treat ourselves. Self-worth is the anchor of all relationships. Women have a lot more power than they realize they do, and I’m not talking about the manipulating men or man-hating kind of power – I’m talking about believing in yourself enough to know that you deserve better and never settle for less. Believing in yourself enough to leave a situation that is out of integrity with your feelings on the inside.

    If you don’t like porn, find it offensive and disrespectful to you as a woman, you shouldn’t settle. Women settle day in and day out, it is by not settling and raising our voices and in valuing and believing ourselves that we will change the world. We betray ourselves everytime we excuse bad behavior and stay with men who do not treat us well. You won’t find a worthy man by constantly betraying yourself by staying with jerks and making excuses for them, hoping they will change. Change yourself instead.

    Yes, it’s great to examine our own insecurities about the situation – because when we look at that and heal it we will stop being attracted to losers who whack off to porn and start noticing more quality men who have the capacity to have healthy intimate relationships with women.

    It *is* about you, not him. It is *your* life, not his. You decide how you’re going to be treated.

  14. As one of the few males responding here, I’d like to make a few points:
    Our sex drive (on AVERAGE) is higher than yours. Many men get off every day. Most of our wives/GF’s (except maybe Elsa πŸ˜‰ just don’t need sex quiet that often, so we masturbate. It sounds like many of the commenters would have us stare blankly at the ceiling each and every time. Guess what? That’s not how we are wired. We find visual images of women (or sheep or god-knows-what!) to be exciting. How would you prefer that we meet our sexual needs? How would you feel if we started complaining that we didn’t like the TV shows you watch or the books you read, or the explicit fantasies/thoughts you may have? Yikes! Did you look at that guy at the office today? – but THAT’s ok because he was wearing clothes…

    Maybe you should get your men neutered if you don’t like their sexuality! Or find one who just isn’t that interested in sex (good luck!) Honestly we are expected to provide just enough sex to satisfy you, and only you- but god forbid we have some left over… and don’t find the ceiling all that exciting.

  15. *applauds Rachel* Preach on! I got’cher back over here. πŸ˜‰

    John, I hope you come back to read this. Not to attack you personally, but your response is the kind of excuse-making that most of the females who commented are complaining about.
    Not all women have a lower sex drive, not even on average, it’s just a culturally acceptable belief. _People_ have incompatible sex drives, all people. For example, I personally would like to have sex at least every other day; my fiance, however, is happier with every three or four days. From the comments left on another advice column (“She Wants Copious Amounts Of Sex No Man Can Deliver: Aries Sun, Scorpio Ascendent,” October 10, 2006), there are more than a few lustful ladies who read the columns here. We can’t be such a small sample that there is no statistical variation.

    Now, I happen to agree with you. Masturbation is a fine way to get what you need when your partner isn’t able to give you what you want. Fantasy is wonderful. Hell, I even _like_ some porns! We, as a gender, are not trying to police your thoughts.
    But when fantasy/masturbation/porn _replaces_ actual sex, that’s a problem. If you are hiding your fantasies/masturbation/porn from your partner, that’s a problem. If you lie to your partner about your fantasizing/masturbating/porn watching, that’s a problem. Would we, as a culture, expect anyone to condone this behaviour from their partner if it was with a living, physically approachable person (ex-whatever, co-worker, friend)? I think not. So why should this behaviour be acceptable when the person is imaginary or on film? Short answer: it shouldn’t be. If your partner, male _or_ female is doing this, it points to a fundamental flaw in the relationship and should be addressed.

    There is more I could rant about, but this comment is long enough already. Peace, out. πŸ˜€

  16. Anyone that has comments or questions you can email me at iamaddicted2porn@gmail.com

    First of all I want all of you to realize that porn is a plague that is infecting our country! Porn and sex can become addictions through conditioning. Everytime a man has an orgasm, a chemical (the same as cocain) is released in the brain. Not ALL MEN, but A LOT of men have porn addictions. I have a porn addiction. Many men see no problem with it. Many men don’t realize in their heads that there is a problem. Some men know they have a problem and try and try and try to quit, but can’t because they don’t have proper support. A few men know they have a problem and try to quit and succeed because they seek help and have proper support, especially from their wife/girlfriend.

    WOMEN:
    The first thing that you need to understand is that men think COMPLETELY differently than you. Just because men look at porn DOES NOT mean that they don’t think that you’re good enough. This was a huge barrier that my wife and I had to overcome when we first started working with my addiction.
    Second, your men desperately NEED your support and your faithfulness. When they tell you that they are going to quit and you catch them again, DO NOT assume that they were lying. They were very likely telling you the truth. Or, at least, the truth as they see it. Also, understand that promises to quit really don’t mean anything from them. Would you believe a heroin addict if they said, “That was my last time. I promise.”? No, of course not. The fact is that men WILL slip before they are fully recovered, and the recovery process could take years.
    Now you do have to be firm. Insist that they make changes in order to start recovery. Don’t put too much on their plate right away. Start by getting rid of ALL pornographic material and sexual material that they have. ALL OF IT!!!! Ask if they would be willing to go to a addicts group. Let them know how you feel when they look at this. Put up blocks on TV and the internet. Get rid of sensitive movies. Cancel your Blockbuster membership. What ever it takes to keep porn from being easily accessable to them. Don’t let them do this by themselves. Isolation of the problem is the key enemy of recover from a sex/porn addiction. Also, realize that you can’t be his counselor. Your emotions compromise the ability to make progress. Just let him know that your there and are not going anywhere. That you there to help in any way you can. BUT THE BOTTOM LINE IS SUPPORT YOUR MEN! THEY NEED YOU MORE THAN ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!

    Men:
    Porn IS A PROBLEM! I don’t care if you just look at Playboy or if you are into hardcore s&m or whatever! IT IS A PROBLEM. You hurt yourself, your wife/girlfriend, your children, your friends, and others you are around. It numbs your ability to feel emotion. It takes away your ability to properly express love. It wastes a TON of money! It keeps you up at night. It makes you tired from lack of sleep. You ignore friends and family to look at it.
    Porn is a drug. Quite literally. They way it affects your brain and your life is the same as a drug. And like a drug, there is NO moderation! Sure you might just start with a playboy, but then your looking at porn so hardcore that it would disgust you if you really thought about what you were looking at. Trust me I’ve been there. My addiction started with a SI swimsuit edition. I know you look at that too. I beg you to seek help. Seek help before your life gets worse. Before you addiction sets in more that it already has.
    For all of you men that realize that you have a problem:
    You are not alone. I and millions of men in this country are right here with you. Reach out to someone you can trust. Who knows,you might find they struggle with the same thing. YOU CAN NOT RESOLVE THIS IN ISOLATION! I promise you that. There are hundreds of websites, books, blogs, and forums that can help you. Google can put lots of resources to get you started. Also, look for a sexahaulics annonymous group in your area.

    I just started a blog to help myself and others just like people on this site.
    http://www.apornaddictsblog.blogspot.com
    I urge men and women to visit it.

    Thank you for reading this

  17. I really don’t like it when porn is used to wage a war between the sexes. I think men like porn because it is ‘easy sex’: they can be who-ever they want to be in their imagination, and can be with women who are not within their reach in the real world, and with how many they want etc. etc. etc. This does not mean they would want these women and this sex in reality. See, it doesn;t exist in the real world: porn queens are real women too, and I doubt they act like in the video in normal life. Porn is fiction! Nothing more, nothing less. Let them have it.

    My bf likes porn a lot and he likes certain things that are too hardcore for my taste – but as long as I am not exposed to it I couldn’t care less. Whether he respects me or not depends on how he treats me,and we treat each other!, in the bedroom, and this is what I do care about.

    I would say: change the focus, zoom out of the porn and zoom in to what turns both of you on.

  18. I would have to say to John there’s a BIG difference between abusing porn and using it as titillation. I’m pretty tolerant on this subject and always have been—there’s the fine line that can be crossed however. I think John is expressing very accurately the enormous frustration that exists between men and women today. And for the life of me I have NO BLOODY IDEA how to deal with this anger anymore. Men’s anger, women’s anger, frustration as we believe we have different ‘needs’. It’s all so polarizing. But I’m also far too aware of my own subtle ways of controlling men– and at a loss to know how to stop. So there we have it.

    BUT Rachel wrote:
    “If we keep setting the bar low for men and keep making excuses for their behavior, they will keep on doing what they are doing.”

    And I completely agree with this. We are asking men to take responsibility for their sexuality– yet in order to ‘keep’ a man (wrong attitude, but that’s another post) we put up with shit that allows them to be little boys the rest of their lives. This is MY anger. And I hope John writes again– but I don’t have much hope we’ll ever agree since we seem to exist on opposite ends of the poles…so to speak…

  19. First, I’d like to say that I seriously considered asking Elsa to remove my earlier post- but too late now! It was intended to be tongue-in-cheek, and I hope it came off that way. Also I was feeling a bit defensive about what felt like a good bit of aggresive male-bashing going on by some of the earlier posters.

    For example: “I have caught him on several occasions” and “If we keep setting the bar low for men and keep making excuses for their behavior”

    Are these women talking about their children or pets? It doesn’t sound at all as if they view their husbands as actual equals. It also doesn’t sound as if they actually respect or even like their partners. So, anyway I responded a bit hastily.

    SaDiablo:
    I agree with you! mostly πŸ˜‰ In my previous post, I sidestepped the whole issue of obsessive/addictive behavior. Clearly, if you or your partner are lying about your actions or engaging in something that is obsessive- there is a problem! If your sex life has disappeared, for whatever reason- there is a problem. However, the vast majority of people who view porn do not fall into these catagories.

    A few of the earlier posts suggested that if their men really cared about the relationship they would stop their behavior. While I don’t exactly disagree, I could equally say “If you really valued your husband’s happiness, you wouldn’t try to stop him from doing something that gives him pleasure.” Why is the man’s behavior more selfish?

    It also seems that a number of responders think of viewing porn as similar in nature to having sex with an actual other human- cheating in other words. This is where I get really confused, and why I tried earlier to ask how you (women) would feel if we started telling you what to watch on tv,read etc. (isn’t reading a Romance novel about some hunky stud the same as cheating then?) Porn is pictures on a screen (or sometimes paper). How on earth do you equate that with cheating? How is it different than viewing imaginary pictures in our heads? (which presumably is ok?) Or do you want to insist your men fantasise about you only? Or stare at the ceiling while keeping their minds absolutely blank?

    Also, if you really do equate images-of-naked-women with cheating, you probably should have mentioned that a good while ago- like before you got married to the guy, cause I don’t think many men think of it that way. Please respond without the use of a flame-thrower πŸ˜‰

    Sylvia:
    “we put up with shit that allows them to be little boys the rest of their lives.” — That just sucks all ’round. I’m not a little boy, and I won’t be treated as one. You shouldn’t have to put up with shit if you don’t want to. Are you talking about masturbation/porn in particular? All I can say is that men and women are obviously different, but are women putting up with more shit than men in relationships? My gut says that its about equal, although with different kinds of shit on each side!

  20. Hey John,

    I should have been more clear and less aggressive in my choice of words. Blame is not good, but I blame, you blame and in the medium of the internet without benefit of actual personality, expressions, tone of voice, it can all get pretty distorted as we all know!

    I was talking my own experience with the men I happen to attract and my own anger (which I do not necessarily considered justified). ‘Little boy behavior’ to me has been created by pop psychology and women have their own equivalent. It is refusing to do the work to see yourself, warts and all, but rather finding rationalizations for immature behavior be it porn addiction, fooling around, not doing housework, not communicating. It is an attitude that ‘women are always trying to break my balls’ while I see and hear many women desperately trying to communicate and being rebuffed by indifference. It is the look of boredom on a man’s face when a woman is trying to explain herself. It is the attitude of my male students who still believe and profess that women should be stay at home mothers rather than working because the men’s ideas of ‘what a man is’ are so threatened by a changing world and economy. The immaturity (of both sexes) I speak of can be seen on a global level in fact.

    Women, on the other hand, have got to stop providing themselves as ‘willing victims’ in this scenario. And women, from a position of powerlessness, manipulate in their own way. It’s a two way dynamic. And I don’t know if I’ll be understood when I write this because for the last year I have been unable to communicate with men! I am angry not just at men, but at women too! And most of all with myself and all the avoidance and victimhood I’ve indulged in over my life. But I’m looking at it and I want my mate to look at himself too and I’m just about ready to do a bunch of forgiving so I don’t want to get into a bad internet fight and get myself all het up and stupid!

    Think about this: I don’t live America although I am American. My point of view is of one who has left, gone back, and left again (over a period of 10 years). I am outside looking in. It’s a very different perspective and I recommend it to everyone in fact.

    Pace

  21. Sylvia:
    Beautifully stated! Our culture does still tend to support the “male oaf” image. Thank you for reminding me.

    “Women, on the other hand, have got to stop providing themselves as ‘willing victims’ in this scenario” — Yeah, if women would stop sleeping with and marrying these idiots, maybe they would get the message (or at least not pass their crappy genes on to the next generation). I’m being flip, of course- and it certainly works both ways. Plus, I suspect that a number of women on this site are ready to place *me* in that catagory! lol

    Anyway, thanks for responding in a thoughtful and non-angry way. I’m still not getting the sense that anyone out there is agreeing with my arguments, but I definately understand not wanting to get into a potentially frustrating dialog with somebody you don’t know on the internet πŸ˜‰ Good luck with the forgiving! πŸ™‚

    John

    P.S I’m about done with my rant. I’m still interested in hearing whether other readers agree with what I’m saying (about porn), or think I’m full of crap.

  22. Ok John, we have bit of understanding going on. I’ll write on this:

    “A few of the earlier posts suggested that if their men really cared about the relationship they would stop their behavior. While I don’t exactly disagree, I could equally say “If you really valued your husband’s happiness, you wouldn’t try to stop him from doing something that gives him pleasure.” Why is the man’s behavior more selfish?”

    Because it brought up another issue for me and you seem to be open to discussion. The distinction is between addiction and pleasure. The addiction is terrible for everyone, including the man. For fun and masturbation porn is fine, and it seems like most women here accept that. I think, but I have this idea about what kind of world we live in (I can’t help it, that’s my obsession). Porn does not exist in a world of it’s own but has a strong, ripple effect on the culture. Porn is a symptom and porn creates its own symptoms and all symptoms are not negative.

    Porn has an insidious effect on women and how they think they should ‘be’ sexually and how they should look. I’m including pop culture here, and music videos because they are full of sex.
    And it’s not sexy anymore because everything is out there. No mystery, no allure, at least not for this woman. The perfect body is available if you have the money and time.

    What doesn’t get talked about is how Americans actually deal with sex. How prevalent it is in our national diaologue, how our bizarre repression that isn’t repression reverberates. Look at the current administration. It looks like it won’t be violence and war, failing economy or BAD MANAGEMENT that will bring them down, but SEX.

    I’ve over analyzed as usual!

  23. Actually, John, we have a small mutual admiration society going on here! Me, you, and Sylvia are all arguing that porn itself is good, but how some people use porn isn’t. I think it is that man/woman thing gettting in the way – on my part, anyway. A lot of the time my fiance and I will be having a conversation, agree for the most part about the topic, but still be arguing about perspective. It’s mind boggling behaviour! Anyway, On to the arguing. πŸ˜‰

    “A few of the earlier posts suggested that if their men really cared about the relationship they would stop their behavior. While I don’t exactly disagree, I could equally say ‘If you really valued your husband’s happiness, you wouldn’t try to stop him from doing something that gives him pleasure.’ Why is the man’s behavior more selfish?”

    The short answer is it’s not.
    I believe that you should go into a relationship with your eyes wide open – that means actually _seeing_ who it is you’re involved with and whether you’re comfy with the package as a whole. You shouldn’t go into relationships expecting the other person to change, and in your example that’s what is happening. So, no, I don’t think the man is more selfish. I do think he’s underhanded if he says he will stop/limit his “problem” behaviour and doesn’t.
    Also, I think a lot of women are dismayed when they find their partner’s porn, like porn is some indicator of deviancy. Normal guys look at porn, and if women just assumed that whenever we started dating a guy perhaps it wouldn’t be so big a deal.

    “It also seems that a number of responders think of viewing porn as similar in nature to having sex with an actual other human- cheating in other words. This is where I get really confused . . .”

    I don’t think it’s cheating, but some women honestly _do_. And it baffles me too. I can illustrate this to a lesser degree, though…

    I’ve stated I like porn, right? But if I find evidence that my guy has watched porn without my knowledge, I do feel kinda disappointed. For example, sometimes he will take care of himself while I sleep. No big deal, really. But I would _prefer_ him to wake me, then turn to porn if I’m not interested. Turning to the porn first, without making the effort for partnered sex, makes me feel like he is no longer interested in sex _with me_.
    On the other hand, if he says he just wanted “me time,” it’s the end of the argument. Sometimes you just wanna play all by yourself.

    “Also, if you really do equate images-of-naked-women with cheating, you probably should have mentioned that a good while ago- like before you got married to the guy, cause I don’t think many men think of it that way.”

    Absolutely! Preach on!
    I honestly believe that a lot of problems, especially regarding this issue, are caused by a lack of communication about expectations. If you expect your man to not watch porn, you better let him know! Because he’s not a mind reader and, more importantly, that’s likely not be his expectation _at all_. You wouldn’t “just expect” that your partner felt the same way about whether to have kids or not, right? Same thing here.
    Our culture is so bound up when it comes to sex, though, most people aren’t comfortable having the kinds of conversations that are needed to prevent problems like this. _That’s_ a whole other topic, though. πŸ˜€

  24. Sylvia,
    I too think that our culture is awash with hyper-sexualized imagery- just turn on the tv, go to the movies, or walk by a newstand. I also agree that porn is a symptom of this, but I think that its a safer, healthier outlet for that sexual energy than *not* having porn. I’m glad to see that I’m not the only one who sees porn as not-evil πŸ˜‰ I’m still not sure what to think about the many women (and some men?) who do still find their partner’s enjoyment of it to be painful…

    SaDiablo,

    “I don’t think it’s cheating, but some women honestly _do_. And it baffles me too. I can illustrate this to a lesser degree, though…”

    I’ve tried to put myself in the position of having just walked in on my gf while she was viewing a bunch of naked-man pictures! While I can understand the basic emotion (jealousy), I don’t actually think that I would feel very strongly about it- I mean it would make my ego feel great to think that “my” woman was so enthralled by me that she had *no* interest in images of other men! And a bit hurt that she did find others exciting. I think my stronger reaction would be “uh… need any help with that??” lol

    My earlier rant was partly fueled by an experience I had a few years ago. A friend “caught” her husband looking at porn- well she found traces of it on their computer. She tried the “bad doggie!” approach, but caught him again- several times. Finally she ended up installing web filtering software on their pc. Now, the guy wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, so maybe treating him like an 8-year old might have been the right approach, but the whole thing gave me the jeebies. Also some of the earlier posts here gave me the same feeling: that the women are acting like their “partners” are not-so-bright pets who keep pissing on the rug. Ahh, amore! πŸ˜‰

    John

  25. I wonder. Have any of you worked in the porn industry? Do any of you have children? Would you be proud to see your baby girl up there on wide screen with 3 men banging her? Would you watch porn with your children? How about seeing your son in these movies or pic’s on the internet?

    I totally disagree with Elsa, John (how fitting a name), SaDiablo,Jim and Sylvia. Why? Because pornography is what led my father to molest me and my sisters. You see, life is not about the adult people.Our need to satisfy our “cravings” ( they are numerous and varied) affects everyone we know and live with. Take for instance our addiction to food. We are the fattest Country in the world. Obviuosly if you are an obese parent then the odds of you having an obese child are tremendous. And we all know the health problems associated with obesity.

    Then there is the epidemic of Meth users in America. Can you bet who is the most affected by this addiction? Did you just say the children of these people? And what about pornography? Really, do you think that children are not affected by this insidious disease?
    It is not about “Adults” being adults and enjoying “Adult” pastimes. I think it a very selfish and immature need.
    Some of you may not have children and you may believe that what you are doing is fine but what about the day when you do have children? Will you magically overcome your addiction and focus on raising a well adjusted human being? I doubt it.
    John, you are so very lost as a soul and I feel very sorry for you. Your ignorant statements about men and women are archaic and stereotypical. Men need more sex than women? Who are you kidding? With the act of sex comes tremendous responsibility and I think that most men (and women) are irresponsible with their organs.
    What we think and believe we manifest. If we objectify a person we relegate them to subhuman status. I know…I was there. Women who portray themselves as an anus, a vagina and a pair of breasts do not think much of themselves. Why do you think we have words in our vocabulary such as “whore”, “slut”, “bitch”, “cunt”? Because we look up to women? We support their right to be sexual creatures without the stereotypes?

    I think pornography perpetuates that stereotype….or do you think to yourself while you’re perusing these images, “Wow, she’s wonderful! I’d like mom to meet her. As a matter of fact she’d make a great mother to my children!” Of course not. You’re thinking all those nasty words denoted for women who place themselves in such situations.

    Do you think that this woman will raise healthy children? If you said no then what makes you think that you would? I look at it like this. It is a crime and those who support it are co-conspirators.

    I am not a religious person, or a prudish person. As I stated earlier I was involved in this industry and it almost cost me my life and this would have set up a terrible legacy for my wonderful sons. I’ve talked to many young girls in this industry and most of them came from backgrounds of sexual abuse. I knew personally of two young ladies who were raped by their fathers and both men kept dozens and dozens of porn mag’s and movies in their bedrooms. (I saw the evidence).

    The eldest brother of one of these girls told me how he caught his father having sex with his sister in a barn behind their house. He was deeply affected by this incident psychologically.
    The mother of the other young girl shot herself in the chest over the incident. She missed her heart by only a few inches.

    I do not agree with any of you in any way. I was sexually assaulted by the father of one of these young girls and I can only believe that his addiction to porn (objectifying women) led him to act out his fantasies. Please do not argue with me about how you (John and Jim) would never do these things (or that women do this to themselves). You already have by objectifying women.

    I think that it is time to grow up as a Nation and give our children a better place to grow strong and healthy in. This is not a game…but it is a test and we are failing miserably as a race.

  26. John,

    hehe… Yeah, there were a lot of posts with the recalcitrant undertone. My whole take is, if you have to install filters to keep an adult from looking at what s/he wants to, you need to examine your own head space. Why are you with this person anyway? Bafflement!

    It’s been nice talking to you, bu this is my last entry on this subject. I’m tapped.

  27. Jamie, I feel deeply for what happened to you. I couldn’t begin to understand what that was like. I saw that you mentioned me in your post. I just want to clarify that yes, I have a porn addiction, but I agree with you about all the evils that it puts into the world. I am working very hard every day, and every hour to beat this addiction and remove it from my life. Please do not lump me in with the others on this site that think porn is ok. I DO NOT think that porn is good on any level, or for any reason. I am on here, the same as you, to try and show people the truth that porn is bad and evil, and to change their ways.

  28. Ummm, Porn is not “bad” or “evil”. It is not a living entity. People who make that crap, act in that crap or profit from that crap are not evil and I will not say that under any circumstances.

    It would be way too easy to blame this on “someone” or “some thing”….but it is much more complicated than that. Somewhere, in some place, at some time in history a woman was relegated subserviant to man. Her status was weak and her true identity stifled by man-made laws and church doctrine. A woman was dependant on man (or family) for her very existence thus leaving her extremely exposed to ill treatment.

    If a woman needed to support herself, or family ,there was little she could do about her circumstance other than rely on family or work in service to others. I think man took advantage of this situation and the porn industry is an extention of those ancient beliefs and practices towards women.

    Just think of the alternative. What if the roles were changed? Would women exploit men in such a degrading way? Would she say to the man’ “if you show me your penis I’ll give you a thousand dollars”, or “you can have the promotion if you eat me”…

    Maybe there are a few women who would behave this way but seeing as how most women work, raise kids, clean, cook, pay bills, and worry about achieving their mates fantasies that leaves them little time for their own.

    I’ll be damned to hell and back before I satisfy a man’s fantasy. You want deep throat? Suck your own dick. You want anal sex? Fuck a sheep.
    When was the last time we beat off to porn on the internet and then complained (after being caught) well, you just don’t please me.
    Can you imagine a man running to the bedroom to cry over it? Can you imagine a man worrying if he’s satisfying you? HAH! Not very likely.
    I’ve yet to read one man who has posted about his gf’s/wife’s addiction to porn! SHE’S BUSY WITH A LIFE! She’s busy worrying about how perky her breasts are or how good she gives head….or about a million other things that don’t have anything to do with sex.

    Keep feeding the fantasy and you’re going to end up with an ugly reality.
    I recommend reading Paul Levy’s writings. Porn is not evil but our intentions are.

  29. I am desperately seeking advice on the issue of porn. All of the comments are helpful, however my situation is a little different. I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. Several months ago, things went downhill. He lost his job and we were having financial difficulties. He stopped showing interest in me and two months later we broke up. I then got the cable bill and discovered a $500 bill for porn. While I was out working, he was getting off! He told me he was just stressed and it meant nothing. We recently got back together and he proposed and I genuinely thought everything was fine. Well, it’s been a month and he has again stopped having sex with me. When I asked him he said he was stressed and working hard with his new business and had “more important” things to worry about other than us not having sex. I found a bunch of porn that he visits regularly on his computer. I confronted him again and he again said looking at that stuff means nothing and that he’s not getting off, but it is just something he looks at. He tells me that I am his world and he thinks I’m gorgeous and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Is the fact that he’s stressed and releasing it with porn ok, even though he is too stressed for an intimate relationship with me? I am very confused especially because I had said yes when he proposed. Someone please help!!!!!!!!

  30. I feel for you. It must be just eating at your nerves to know that he views stuff that seems to be in competition with you. I have a similar situation. Thirteen years together, recently married and my husband views nudes daily plus has around 15 discs of carefully selected pics he keeps hidden away. It has turned me into a non-trusting partner and a hurting one. He too, tells me that this is a guy thing and not to think about it, but the other night, he was viewing porn sites and when I sat down beside him, he ask me to go away and leave him alone. I ask him what he was hiding and he flipped out and we had a big fight. It is the hiding stuff that bothers me. So far the pics are just models but everything is very exposed. We are in our sixties and have not had sex but once in six months. It shouldn’t be like this with so many options out there on the market. I think the porn definitely effects their ability to even have sex. I have heard that they begin to become less and less excited about sex the more they see this stuff. My husband tells me he has never used it to get off and to the contrary never even gets an erection. I find that very hard to believe.

    We want to think the best of our fellahs but this hurts. I personally am going to seek councelling and hope that eventually he would go with me recognizing that he has taken this to an extreme and may be addicted to it. I would suggest you do the same and soon. Good luck with sleeping happily at night. I have not gotten a good nights rest for months and sometimes can not help crying in the night as he sleeps peacefully and fullfills himself with other excitements that are not me.

  31. Oh lord you guys overcomplicate this stuff. Porn is harmless and has been with us since the age of the Greeks and Romans.

    Truism #1:
    Every man, everywhere, has porn. If he doesn’t have it he wishes he did. If he doesn’t want porn, there may be something wrong with him.

    Just ignore it and if you catch him with it, don’t get mad.. laugh. He’ll make sure he doesn’t get caught again, and will probably even put it away for awhile.

    Truism #2:
    Men’s fantasies disgust women; women’s fantasies bore men.

    I know you’re all thinking, “he’s a porn addict!!” ..nope, I’m not.

    Do NOT compare yourselves to the young hotties in the pictures. No, we don’t want them instead of you. We want them and you, too, but we know that’s not going to happen so we get over it. You ladies have your white-knight-hero fantasies, let us have our girls-gone-wild fantasies.

  32. I am having a similar problem. I am 21 and I have a good body,and horny 24/7 yet my boyfriend of a year looks at porn and jerks off. I don’t understand. Am I not enough stimulation? He does it behind my back but i always find websites like beautifulbrooke.com on his computer. Now it has almost come to the point where i can’t make him cum anymore during intercorse. What do I do? IS are relationship doomed?

  33. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years now and he too has a bad case of porn addiction. I never caught on though until a year ago or so. I started noticing it in the history on the computer, I found discs he has, and once even came across a new email account he made (which was “manwhore” with some numbers after it). I totally freaked out and typed in his normal password, hoping that it was the one he used. And he did. There was nothing in the inbox though so I don’t know if he had just created it, or if he deletes whatever he would happen to get? I should’ve kept my mouth shut just a little while longer and have kept checking it to see, but I didn’t. I was so upset I confronted him right away and go figure, he denied it. After hours of arguing he ended up admitting to the email account being his but said he didnt know why he created it. Come on now! Does he think I’m that dumb? These days, he’ll still look at it everytime he’s on the computer but only if I’m not around. And sometimes if I am….he’ll pretend he has to go to the bathroom and take the computer with him! He erases the history though when he’s done now because he knows I know. It has always bothered me but I guess lately now more than ever. Just like others have said, its making me feel really insecure. I feel he’s not as happy with me as he says and I think I’m not enough for him. I understand it may be “normal” or whatever every SO OFTEN. But not when its all the time. I’m honestly not sure what to do. I care about him more than anyone I’ve ever been with and I don’t wanna lose him but I dont feel I should have to put up with that? I’m so afraid its going to ruin our relationship because I just really think its hurtful and disrespectful to the person you are with. Can someone please help me out. I read a few of the responses above but not all –there’s so many! So if anyone has any advice they can give me, please do. Thanks.

  34. My boyfriend has this thing he installed that automatically erases his history,,, but should we really have to police what they are doing? Now i feel like if he says he does not do it, I am wondering if he is whenever he is not with me.

  35. I think its really ridiculous when you have to “check up” on them to see what they’re doing when you’re not around. We shouldn’t have to snoop and actually it makes me feel guilty but sometimes when you find so much of that crap, there’s just no choice. It makes me feel there’s not much trust though and that worries me. Alot.

  36. I have been enduring my husband’s porn habit for some time, now, and finally formulated the right words in a confrontation with him. I waited until I was not provoked to anger and anxiety and asked him to talk with me about something that was bothering me about our relationship when he had plenty of time and felt up to an indepth discussion about us. I expressed to him, my full feelings on his hiding things from me. I confessed that I was over reacting because of the not knowing what he was thinking and feeling and I suggested that he let me in on his activities on the computer, that I was mature enough to deal with it—just please don’t hide things and to give it a shot. He began to share what he looks at and how he goes about saving what he wants and doesn’t want. I was surprised at the consistancy of what he keeps. I was actually comforted in just knowing what he selects. He showed me that in looking, there are ugly things that also are there and those, he deletes. I told him he had my complete trust and thanked him for doing this for the sake of my feelings and our relationship. Further, we both agreed to balance his activity by making more effort to tell the other we loved them. I send e-mail love notes each day from work, and he pays more attention to me. It is working. For me it all hinged on his not hiding things, and my being courageous enough to trust, no matter what!

    I suppose the test will be when I discover he looks at things that trouble me. I am hoping that as long as he is not hiding these things, we can continue to balance the activity by giving equal attention to each other.

  37. I’m 25 and my boyfriend is 26. We have been together for four and a half years (but during that time we have spent a year apart, since we were going to school in 2 different cities, and we didn’t live together for some time also). A few months ago, I discovered porn videos on our computer. I told him how much it hurt me, and that it made me feel inadequate. He said he would stop. Last month, I discovered it again. I was incredibly upset, both sad and angry. I felt betrayed because the first time, he didn’t know how I felt about it, but this time he did! So he decieved me! The worst part is that he did this while I was unable to have sex with him. I had just gotten a biopsy done on both breasts, and afterward they were bruised and painful, even to the slightest touch. So that’s when he went for porn. I got punished for my inability to have sex with him, and not because I was mad at him, or using it as a way to control him (as some people have pointed out ways women use their not having sex with their partners), but because I was in pain and physically couldn’t. That sends a message to me that it’s my fault. That I better think twice about having surgery on my breasts to remove the lumps (non-cancerous) because I’ll be unavailable for sex longer, so who knows what he would do. I find it funny that porn is viewed as something that men “do” and that it’s just one of those things. Like women with shopping, and make-up, and fashion, and other STEREOTYPICAL things. I don’t do any of those things. I loathe shopping, wear minimal makeup, and don’t go out of my way to get the latest fashions. So it follows that there are men who don’t care for porn. My boyfriend tells me that he loves who I am, but it makes me feel inadequate. But I am done with his bull. If I find porn again, I’m gone. I’m strong enough to realize that being alone is better than being with someone who doesn’t respect you. But I’m still insecure about my boyfriend looking at these airbrushed, heavily made-up girls online. I fear that he is comparing me to them.

  38. When reading these comments I understand that I am not alone. Feeling inadequate about yourself affects everything in your life. Your partner is supposed to give you strength and a positive emotional atmosphere. When all of there energy goes into porn, not only does it destroy your physical relationship, but you begin to feel inadequate in every aspect. At least this is true for me. My fiancee also told me he would stop with the porn all the time. He told me he cancelled his membership to one particular site which really bothered me. Once again, I was lied to. I specifically explained that I try to not let regular porn bother me (in small amounts) but this one website is VERY personal with one girl involving pictures, movies, emails, and webcams. This bothered me cause it seems more for men NOT in relationships. Not only did he lie about the site, but I also found out he has created a posting on a singles website looking for a woman. I am very confused because I still have not confronted him and he keeps acting as if he wants to be in a relationship. Do I ignore all of this heart crushing behavior and pretend it doesn’t exist (hoping it will pass)?

    As for the person who advise us to just get over it, we would all appreciate it if you put yourself in our position and see that for some of us it goes much deeper than just men looking at porn. We are not weak, but we deserve to be respected and CONSTANTLY watching porn and hurting your partner is anything but repsect!

  39. This is for all of the women on this site. Let me say the you have every right to feel hurt, confused, angry, hopelessness, and that want to leave your boyfriend/husband. The men in your life have given you every reason. Now, let me tell you this. There is HOPE! There is hope for any man with this problem and there’s hope for any woman that has been hurt by it. There is hope for any relationship affected by it. Please understand, that pornography is an addiction! It’s an addiction no different than alcohol, crack, herion, or any other addiction that you can think of. The trouble is having to see past your what your doing to realize that you have a problem. Some men are so deep into porn that they no longer, by themselves, rationalize what they’re doing to think it’s a problem.

    I am a recovering porn addict. I have had a lot of conversation with other porn addicts, and have read many books and websites about it. All of the things that have been posted on this site are TEXT BOOK symptoms of a porn addiction. However, NONE of the things I have read on here are by any means hopeless.

    I ask you please, don’t rashly act against your partner. Stop, and think. Cool yourself down and do some research. If you need someone to vent to or get some advice from, come to me. Don’t listen to the people on here. These women are hurt and angry, and confused. They are not in the right frame of mind, or in the position to offer sound advice. Come to someone who has insight to your partner and his addiction. Come to someone in a marriage that is functional and is overcoming this addiction.

  40. To Jim: I agree that women should not over react to their husband or partner’s porn addiction. I have been researching and mainly have come to the conclusion that I have much work to do on my self confidence. The part that is hardest is not in dealing with handling the material he looks at, it is the being left alone. There are a lof of women who would just as soon be alone by themselves and not be alone, living with someone who has forgotten you exist and all of his bolonie…I have thirteen years in with my man and there is so much to love about him. I appreciate your comments. What was it that brought about your awareness of your addiction and does it ever come back on you?

  41. To atlantis:
    Thank you for you comment. I’ve been trying off and on to reach people on this site, and you’re the first to positively resopond. πŸ™‚ I for years was completely blinded to the world by my addiction. I was raised a Christian, and I never once stopped believing in God, but I did very much wander off of the path. I kept getting reminders, not aimed directly at me, but very much aplicable, about lust and the way that it affects your life and your relationship with God. I for years kept “trying” to quit, but I never really had my heart in it. I don’t think I felt worthy of God, or his healing. Later, I met a woman who is now my wife. She’s a passionate Christian. I really credit her, even before she knew about this, to be the one who started to guide me back. Really, I believe it was God showing through her. About 6 mo. after we started dating I told her. Long story short, I’ve hurt her many times. I don’t want to hurt her or lose her. The thought of it pains me more than anything in the world. Using that as my inital motivation to quit, I’ve slowly, but surly made progress. Then I got out of it enough, to start to be able to see God again. I began to really strive to know him again. Eversince, I started ernestly seeking God, I’ve made more progress than ever! It hasn’t been easy at all!!! But I know that in the end, all of the hard work will be more than worth it. I look forward to the day of a happy marriage with no mistrust or low self-esteem. If you want to know more about me, or my struggle, go to my blog at

  42. I am cery sad inside at this time. my boyfriend has been failing to orgasm during sex. i am quite gorgeous, with a beautiful body and am willing and interseted in different sex activities. by no means boring. anyway, while at his house, i wanted to use the computer to get measuremetns of a a new bunk bed for when we move in together…for the kids’ room. he flipped out….not wanting me to use his computer. it is sad, because he told me he had a porn problem before. he apparently has gotten back into it. i am thinking he is now possibly going into deeper areas, like illicit sex, because he is on Craigslist alot these days. I love him, and in all other respects, he is a very amazing and wonderful man. I have read all of the above posts, and am going to think on it, and approach him in a constructive way soon. I havent felt this sad inside since i was in my first marriage…my husband is a drug/alcoholic person. wow. thanks to all who take the time to write.

  43. I understand her hurt and frustration. But on the one hand we don’t want to look at the shadow side of being animals and men need sex and be stimulated visually in ways that our current society feeds the need for ever more beauty and sexy perfection, which most of us cannot or don’t want to imitate. So what is a man to do? On the other hand, sex trafficking and forcing young people into these professions is horrifying. Of course there are the “pros”, but a lot of them come from abusive backgrounds in the first place and that’s why they are in the industry. So she needs a man who finds her enough, respects her and has an abhorrence to the industry itself, not just the porn. Are there such men out there? Let’s hope so.

  44. This used to bother me a lot when I was younger. Like when I was in my early twenties. But I was very insecure. One time I asked my boyfriend at the time why he watched pprn and he said, “because of the dirty look on their faces.” *Barf!* So I started to think there was something wrong with the way my face looked during sex (so silly!) and my insecurities grew and grew. Until they stopped growing one day and I realized he was a dick and didnt appreciate me. I left. Not because of porn but because he didnt appreciate me in any way really, not just sexually. I was tired of trying to please someone who didnt know how to appreciate a woman.

    • I forgot to add the best part, ….I moved on quickly and married to someone who appreciates literally every single thing about me and shows it..a Scorpio. My ex has never and will never have anyone that compares to me ever again. I blossomed after we separated, once I found someone who appreciates me and I am sure he scratches his head over that to this day..

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