On the phone with the soldier tonight…
“Bad. Low. It’s been difficult today,” I said. “I have had to tell people… warn them I was going to be slow responding and so forth because I am getting down so deep.”
“You better talk to me, P.”
“Yeah, well I just keep getting ratcheted to a lower place and I’ve no choice but to go. It’s deeply disturbing. Some of it I understand but most of it I don’t. I mean I can identify what is bothering me to an extent but the extent is limited because the disturbance is so deep. It is just happening in too many places, in too many ways and on too many levels to even begin to understand or try to process.”
I went on to articulate four or five points as examples, each of them cut to the bone.
“Yeah, so that’s some of the personal stuff but some of this has to do with society. It’s not me but society at large. I am being shown all these problems at very close range and all of it is horrifying wouldn’t you say?”
“I would say.”
“Yeah well this is the problem. I am way down deep and no one knows this place is even here, for the most part. Very few people get here or go here and none of the those who have or will is me which makes the experience singular. I have gone completely off the grid, I’d say and unfortunately I can think. You’d be better off to be stupid at this juncture, I think.”
He was quiet.
“In whatever case, I am okay. Don’t worry too much because I am taking care and while it is dicey, if it gets too dicey I will pull the plug. I will make the right decision not a stupid decision but in order to do that I have to stay awake. I just have to stay upright and somewhat alert because it is easy to see how I could be sucked into oblivion.”
“Don’t do that.”
“No. No I won’t but I can smell oblivion, I can tell you that. I am being extremely cautious and can tell you the sky is jacked up big time going into the weekend. It will be hard but I plan to have all the fun I can. You know. If I see some fun I am going to nab it because that is just the way I do things. You know I can do that so don’t worry too much.”
“I worry, P.”
“Okay but I will get through, you can bet. I’d bet on me and I would not bet against me. Yeah, I would not bet against me, that is for fools.”