The other day someone inquired regarding the condition of my hopes and wishes and dreams post Pluto’s transit of my 11th which I have reported wiped my slate clean on this front. It’s stunning to stand and survey your own barren landscape and realize you’ve not a hope or wish or dream in the world and I am glad this came up because I’d not thought about this since. 15 months later, I do have hopes and wishes and dreams again. They don’t even remotely resemble what I wanted prior the transit and for whatever reason this seems okay.
During the Pluto transit there came a point where I could see I was not going to have what I wanted or hoped for and eventually acceptance became the only option. Your house burns to the ground and you stand there in front of the charred ruins and do what?
In whatever case, my wiped out hopes and wishes and dreams have now been replaced with sprouts of new growth and comparing then with now, I can’t say I would like to go back in time and have my original set and I think this is because it’s just too large. “I wish there had not been a hurricane Katrina…” What good is that going do you? The fact is the hurricane came.
Last night the soldier was talking about his father’s death. He died young leaving the soldier’s mother devastated and saying, “It was not supposed to happen this way…” Hearing this, I realized that if I were in her shoes at this point in my life, I would never say something like that. I have no expectation whatsoever that my family survive and I meant that I have NONE.
I remember years ago (5?) the first time it hit me what a luxury it was for a parent to be able to say, “If something happened to my kid, I don’t know what I’d do.” I said it myself when my daughter was born. “I could stand anything as long as nothing happens to my child.” And then something happens to your child.
It’s like living through the great depression and seeing the stock market drop 89%. Once you witness something like that you no longer live with the erroneous idea your money is safe. For me that translates to, “I hope my son survives”. Do I have the expectation? No. I know I’ve got very little to say about it, perhaps nothing to say about it.
Post this transit, I can no longer be surprised (11th house) by loss (Pluto). Post this transit, I do have wishes and hopes and dreams but they are different from what I had before not just in how they are defined but in how I think and feel about them.
Basically, you try for what you want and you either get it or you don’t. This doesn’t mean you can’t get more then you want rather then less because this can happen too. You just have to live the best you can, play the cards they toss you, I don’t know what else to say.
Anyone else want to share their reality post major loss and trauma?