I am going to see my daughter for her birthday today and I found myself telling a pal yesterday that it was a new low. I immediately had to counter that by saying it made no sense to say this or to feel this way as things have been so much worse but a day as passed and I still have the same impression. It turns out that “low” is a very strange concept.
I have mulled this over the last 24 hours and just could shake the knowing that I am in a very low place. I could not also not explain the emotion in comparison to the places I have been in the last 3 years and I was going to write about this.
I was going to write about how it can be so dark that you have no idea where the hell you are at and while that may be true, I got another piece as I started to type, and this is it:
When you are in the midst of intense crisis, these things don’t necessarily register. It’s sort of like running on adrenaline I guess. It’s only when you stop that you realize your legs hurt and two days after that you may become aware of even deeper injury.
So this is what it happening today. I’ve got my jaw on the floor and it’s just so hard to explain which is common with Pluto Moon because the emotion is just so deeply personal. It goes like this:
“I feel worse than I ever have.”
“But, Elsa, you’ve been through so much. You have this and this and this happy thing in your life…”
And you wonder why people like me don’t talk. It’s because it’s impossible, it’s just too tricky in there.