I am more aware than ever that I am strange. I credit my childhood for this, it’s just impossible to be rid of the effects of it and this is for good or ill. I don’t think I am special, I do think I am extreme. I am a person from the far end of the continuum and more and more I am seeing that I have to resolve the things that come up inside me, on my own.
This is not normal for the Libra in my chart. I want someone to understand me but it’s just hopeless. Well, maybe not hopeless but it is surely inefficient.
Last night I told my husband about something I’m struggling with. I used to seek his help with these type things but I no longer do because he never knows what I am talking about. It’s baffling because I consider myself a communicator. Anyone who can write 20,000 blog posts and have people read them must be able to get something across but there are areas or ideas I have that I fail to be able to translate or transfer and I have come to accept this.
The fact is, there is a significant part of me that is an always will be in a void of some sort and there are countless reasons for this. There are a sea of reasons why but as for the astrology, I think Pluto’s transit through my 12th house is what has me in contact with my own abyss at this time.
I don’t mind it most days but other times it’s quite overwhelming. How I will ever find the shore in the sea of black? Everything is just an outline at best.
This forces me to survive (Pluto) on faith (12th) and this works out quite well, thankfully.
What do you do or where do you go when no one understands what you feel or what you are talking about?
I go deep inside, trying to look at it with an open-minded, compassionate, and accepting attitude. Then I observe what arises.
I go to the inner worlds of my 12th Pisces where I can be as weird as I like. However, Pluto in Virgo has to bring along candles, incense, essential oils,
figurines…etc just to make my inner world comfortable.
Sometimes I understand something heard or read weeks, months or years later. So I go ahead and tell people whatever is on my mind.
But my Mercury is in Gemini not Libra. I feel I have conveyed my thoughts and feelings.
I think it’s just become so thick, it’s no longer reasonable or realistic for me to expect anyone to understand me or to even try. People are taxed right now and I feel I ask too much of others.
I also feel I ask very little of others but I mean, when I am trying to explain the results or the repercussions of experiences I have had which are so singular. It’s too much to expect, or maybe it’s just too much to expect of my husband. He just can’t get that far out of his own reality so rather than try to drag the rhino, I’m opting to resolve these things alone.
It’s no different than what others have to do. I just happened to be finding this out now. I just don’t have a peer out there and there’s not a damned thing I can do about it.
It makes me think of one of my clients, both her parents are dead. They both died when she was really young and that’s it. What the hell is she supposed to do in a room full of people who grew up with a parent(s) – ANY parent?
I have some ideas but they are only going to go so far. People tell people like me how I feel or how I must feel and get a blank stare back because it’s pure gibberish next to reality. But it their reality that can be backed up with evidence, certified, verified, testified to. My reality is a hologram and what’s that make me? It makes me irrelevant, I’d say, not that it matters because it surely doesn’t. I am still a good vehicle for transfer.
“it is surely inefficient”
I think that is a great take. I have Pluto-ruled 12th House (Neptune is in there). I wasn’t studying astrology for most of my Pluto/12th transit.
I just ride it out emotionally. I try not to get despondent. Taurus cliche, but I love nature. Being outside all the time allows me to remember I’m in a physical body and being human is a mystery.
My sister I am closest too understands me, more than anyone on this planet. She does, interestingly enough, have Pluto in her 12th natally. She knows my essence. We shared a bed and we were an enormous comfort to one another when we were little and confused. She is a Taurus, too.
This is some deep stuff. I don’t know that I care if anyone understands how I feel. Maybe it’s because my Mercury is in the 12th house. I’ll think on this some more.
lol @ Tam I read that as “drink of this some more”
I like mystery. I think people with 12th House planets share this.
Well, I internalize most of what I am “dealing” with. I have been the black sheep of the family/friends all my life so I have learned to deal with things myself. I will try to talk to my husband but he has no clue. I am very fortunate to have a few friends (now) that do understand and are armed with a wealth of knowledge. BTW Pluto 9th house Virgo
LOL h. have some more Neptune punch. 😉
I guess 12th Sun/Mercury/Mars hasn’t felt disconnected.
I have been following you for some time, but this is my first time writing on the blog. I have some advice I’d like to give.
I too, have had a strange life. My life often makes others uncomfortable. I have been seeing the same councilor for about 20 years. He has been tremendously helpful, especially when I am in one of my uncomfortable places. His advice to me is to sit with the part of me that is having the problem and comfort that part as I would my child or grandchild, not trying to change things, but just being there. Some things can’t be changed, like our growing up situations, but we can comfort and be a steadfast ally to the part that is ailing.
Hope this helps.
Well, that was a surprise, I don’t write on blogs, so when it said name, I just filled it in. I didn’t know you all would see it. Okay, looks like I am out.
I edited that for you, dc.
Hmmm @ Tam “have some more Neptune punch” funny. Neptune is being sat on by Saturn in the 9th.
I relate to the personal weirdness of your Pluto transit. Pluto is transiting my 12th as well, where my Natal Capricorn moon has always pondered the deep.
I’m going through the deep water at this time with my brother’s(family of origin) illness and treatment, the oldest of feelings surface, and the oldest remedies want to go for the fix. It isn’t working like it did when he and I were little, it’s working different. I literally run out of oxygen during times like the these and physically hook myself up to the tanks to ride the depths.
I try to understand, and write to decompress. Reading your swim through the weirdness where there’s no shore is something I go. Understand it or not, things are as they are.
Pluto transit opposes my natal Pluto in the 7th house, so deep change. Remember the old tv series “Sea Hunt” … geez I could use a little light out here. Thanks for bringing it on, with your personal hunt, Elsa.
“What do you do or where do you go when no one understands what you feel or what you are talking about?”
I read your writing, Elsa. You express what I cannot. I take deep comfort in your willingness to put down the bones. Thank you.
Pluto transiting my 12th, too.
Well then, when I write this like this, it’s for you, cherie. I’m glad.
Here’s another teary thank you. Sniff. (((elsa)))
When you say- My reality is a hologram and what’s that make me? It makes me irrelevant, I’d say, not that it matters because it surely doesn’t. I am still a good vehicle for transfer.
You’ve said this many times- the hologram. What does that mean- for you? What IS a hologram in this context? Sorry, I’m trying to grasp.
@dc, yes, I agree with the self care routine you’ve shared and have had to pull it out many times when I’m in pain or have nowhere to go. I visualize my little girl self, and just hold her and love her unconditionally. Had to do recently with midlife transits. Having mother abandonment and Saturn sq moon of course, learning to mother myself has been a lifelong climb. Truly loving myself. In fact, I have a book idea about it- self mothering that is, but now is not the time:) Blessings to you, X
Also, when I share the underbelly…the authentic, vulnerable parts of myself, I find there are many who surprisingly do relate. Then, I don’t feel as alone as I thought I was.
Elsa, I really enjoy your writing voice. It’s superb.
Thank you, Bananas.
Xenia, I have written more than 100 posts on this topic and it they can’t cut it, nothing else I could say is likely to help. I am sorry – this this point of post. People don’t know what I am talking about!
I keep it to myself and talk to myself. And attempt research on the Internet.
My whole concept of their being something between fate and free will– what basically boils down to “technically you could say no, but there will be a lot of pressure put on you to say yes AND YOU’D BETTER SAY YES”– is one that people really don’t get.
Several years later:
My late father referred to it as “the universe getting increasingly unsubtle”. Yeah, it feels like there’s an in-between.
I watch my boyfriend, the Taurus with Mercury in Aries, get sort of bashed in the face with a message repeatedly, and still resists. For years!
The “void” Elsa discusses is something I’m trying to figure out how to actually live while constantly acutely aware of it. After quitting cigarettes and binge drinking and getting infatuation/love addiction under control, it’s barely left my awareness.
I have pluto transiting my twelfth now too. Day to day I don’t have any specific feelings about it but when I sit back and think about it, I have been more solitary recently. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I don’t have a compatriot (at least one other person who really gets me). I’ve been writing on this board alot =) and having lots of relationships that don’t go very deep. But they do stabilize in that hey-this-is-regular-life kind of way.
venus, gotcha on the “solitary”. I see this going for the rest of my life. I mean by the time Pluto leaves my 12th, I will be dead or living in the desert – that other life is gone.
I used to write it out, and distract myself with something like a computer game, or draw, paint, take a walk. I used to spend so much time alone.
I had Pluto through my 12th, when I was a kid – before the age of 8 (it was there for a good portion of my early childhood, and when my anxiety started – I had no idea what was going on with me, and just got worse).
Nowhere, really. No where to go! Tough as it may be, I’m learning to not rely on others for affirmation or for support. It’s me against the world! Except I’m not against it at all.. Guess it’s just me and the world.
I write it out as poetry. Not flowers and feathers…stuff I spit out.
To me it’s as clear as water what I mean, but if my writing speaks to other people, it does so in their own voice. Sometimes I’m amazed at what they come up with, because I can’t figure out how they got there.
My sis is great to talk to for the same reasons h listed, we have the closest “background” experience.
Like dc said, talking about my childhood makes other people uncomfortable. So I don’t talk about it that much, just sometimes with my sis.
The internet is great for the anonymity. I find it much easier to be honest. Though the other night I went back and deleted something I wrote.
I have Pluto (Libra) natally in my 12th house, and I guess I too do survive on faith.
I have always had the feeling that people just get bits of what one says, rarely does anyone get the whole picture. The picture they paint of your reality is rarely one’s reality.
((Elsa)) I’m glad you have faith, and wish that there was some way I could help to shine the light on the shore for you.
I have natal Pluto in the 12th house, just a couple degrees north of the ascendant. Your sentiment,”How I will ever find the shore in the sea of black? Everything is just an outline at best,” hits home.
I describe my emotional life as being like some slow cooking soup on the stove. It has to simmer for a long time sometimes, but with faith I know it will be ready to share.
Writing helps me to, eventually, identify what’s going on. But sometimes words aren’t the most effective access point. Regardless, faith and patience are key.
Music works as well.
Hail fellow travelers.
Elsa, this happens to me ALL THE TIME. 😀
In good Virgo form (I’m a Leo with a Virgo stellium), here’s my list:
1. Talk to my husband because he seems to have an idea what’s going through people’s heads. I have to pull teeth to get him to impart his wisdom because these things are just so obvious, and therefore, boring to him to chat about. 😀
2. Check my transits. Maybe it will hold a clue.
3. Work with the tarot and see what mystery can be unraveled.
4. Rant publicly. Publicly is a given because I have a full SouthWestern chart… Twitter, Facebook, whatever, wherever… Sometimes I get some really great responses.
5. Write a blog post. 🙂
6. Ignore it. Work out, play some music, meditate, pretend… 🙂 Ah, Neptunize it?
p.s. Pluto is also transiting my 12th house right now.
I, too, have pluto slithering in my 12th house and a packed 8th house natally. This pluto transit is so strange and exasperating at times. I feel like I’m stuck in a vat of molasses with no ladder. Even my friends(the ones left from pluto’s pass through the 11th) are at a loss in trying to “get” me. Maybe I’ll re-read “Stranger in a Strange Land” for kicks. I feel invisible in a world that I need to be social in for work purposes, but don’t seem to want to interact much anymore. Talking to others about this, ha!
eldil, I can relate. The amazing thing is we’re gonna settle in for a decade. And if you’re a vat of molasses, what about people who don’t want to fall in that thing?
I really do feel similar and I idea is, hey. You’ve got enough problems, don’t get in the vat with me!
sometimes it helps me to see things from an inside out view
Pluto just moved into my 12th and i feel the void too and 10 years is a long time! In 12th, Pluto will aspect my sun, moon, mercury, saturn, pluto, uranus(just passed),neptune, MC and north node(happening now). I have an empty 12th house by birth and no natal planets in capricorn, I’m kind of lost at the moment.
Will pluto make any aspects while in your 12th house? Is your AC aquarius, if so what houses do saturn and uranus occupy in your chart? I wanted to reach out in comment as your “dead” or “in the desert” comment compelled me to tell you that your not alone, maybe just being emptied to carry the projection of the divine within us all.
I’ve followed your posts about neptune conjunct mid-heaven and relate to the saint or sinner projection very well. Your willingness to share your deep work with us is inspiring! I awoke this morning pondering the void of pluto’s transit to my 12th house and voila, this subject has been opened for discussion by you, hang in there!
Blessings from the void!
Wow, here you are…other people with Pluto transiting the 12th. I can relate to everything all of you have written. I’ve got another couple of years to go, and sometimes I feel that I’m not going to make it. I WILL make it, but I do feel that I’m dying. I actually feel better when I relax with that thought/feeling. It is hard to live in the void/abyss. I’m calling it my solitary confinement. Moon in Cancer (and natal Pluto) in the 7th, and Sun, Mercury, Venus, and Uranus all in Gemini have made the isolation of this transit terrifying, but I’m learning how to be alone, finally, and not rely on anyone for understanding or comfort. Tough lessons.
Another 12th house transit of Pluto checking in. This T square to Saturn and Uranus right now is really bothering me and though the meditation and study helps somewhat, I seem to be a complete puzzle to myself. All too soon it’s going to hit my ascendant and my moon in Capricorn and throw me out of my shell like it or not and it’s taking so bloody long to do anything while all this T square energy pours in.
Elsa, what do we do?
helgaleena, I don’t think you can prepare for Pluto crossing the ascendent. A willingness to release makes more sense. 🙂
im with you.really. im having pluto transit in 12th,natal neptune scorpio.transiting neptune in 1s…a living hell lol. ive always been one who requires a lot of solitude,comfortable