I’ve been dating this man for a year now. I am madly in love with him, and I know without a doubt that he is madly in love with me. We talk about the future in tangible ways. Our sex life is amazing. I’ve had more sex with him in the last year than I did my ex-husband in the last 5-6 years of our marriage. He constantly tells me how beautiful I am, how lucky he is to have me, how I make him want to be a better man, etc. It feels wonderful.
However… he is not fiscally responsible. And while I am able to do everything on my own (rent, utilities, my bills), I feel like I’m supporting him too, despite the fact that he has a job (he’s a Soldier). But his finances are so out of control that I am left disappointed when he tells me he’s going to help with, say, the groceries, but ends up overdrawing his account because he bought something else he ‘needed’ instead.
He also has a hard time taking responsibility for himself. Everything is everyone else’s fault — including Mother Nature and his four year old son — and he only gives when I call him on it. He has excuses for everything and it’s gotten to the point where I don’t ask him to do anything, because I’m tired of being disappointed when I get home from work.
I am not his mother (whom he talks to on a pretty regular basis). I am not his personal assistant, and I’m sure as hell not his nanny. I am trying desperately to not let my dreamy Pisces do what I did in my marriage and become a doormat (“because he’ll change, I just know it!”) – because I know how that will end, and I’m not about to invest another decade in another man who is going to let me down.
Is there hope for this relationship? Is there a better way to communicate my needs to my Aquarian boyfriend? Or should I just consider it a stepping stone and move on?
Fishing in Murky Waters
You’ve been writing me for years and I am glad you got out of your sexless marriage and are now getting laid. And I have always sided with you when you’ve written me; but this time I’m not sure I can. You are madly in love but on the other hand this guy is a “stepping stone”? Jesus Christ, what is that?
Everyone knows I loathe dependent mama’s boys, but this story does not jibe with the chart. What you’ve got here is an ultra independent person who is going to spend his money on anything he damned well pleases which seems entirely appropriate to me. That you buy his groceries is your choice and your problem… I am pretty sure if you stop, this man will still eat!
Same with the lecture on his lack of responsibility. I’m sorry but I can just see myself in this guy’s shoes. And I know how your attempts to dictate my priorities would go over with me. I’d tell you to go screw yourself and I am not trying to be mean. I just want to get your attention. Because you say you love this guy. You say he is treating you well and it sounds to me the problems are all stemming from the fact he will not allow you to fix him (Virgo Moon) and dictate his life (Venus, Mars, Saturn in Cardinal signs). Well, gee. I don’t blame him.
If you don’t like how he manages his money, then keep yours separate. If you don’t like being his personal assistant, then quit running his errands. If you don’t want to be his nanny, then quit wiping the crumbs from his mouth as if he is a child and see if this doesn’t solve your problem and leave him to solve his. Because otherwise this is essentially what you are saying:
“If this guy doesn’t do what I want when I want, then I’m leaving!”
Well, hell. If it’s that important that you run another person’s life, you may as well – and let me give an example outside your sphere to make sure you see what you’re doing here.
My ex thinks I talk on the phone too much. This is his judgment. What do you think about that? Should I ask him how much phone-talking would be appropriate or should I tell him to go screw himself?
Yeah, that’s what I thought.