Pheromones, Sexl Appeal: What Feeds Your Ego vs What Kills Your Soul?

Speaking of pheromones, someone suggested it must be wonderful for my ego to be pursued in this way. To have people crawling all over me but in fact, it’s soul killing. I want no part of it. The main thing it does is make me want to cry!

I have no idea how I could be mistaken as someone who would get off on this sort of thing. By the people who are closest to me, even!

But someone in my innermost circle suggested this the other day (to my horror). Once I got over the shock, I wrote him to clarify and try to get him to understand what is real. This is the worst possible situation.

I wrote:

I am not cut out for manlessness. Attention like this does not help my ego.

Being a good lover helps my ego.
Being a good friend helps my ego.
Being caring and giving helps my ego.
Being loving and healing helps my ego.
Being loyal and trustworthy helps my ego, but this?

This is hell on earth.

~~
I hope he understands.

What helps (increases) your ego or your self esteem?  What kills your soul?


pictured – Apollo Crowning Himself, Antonio Canova, Italian, 1781, Marble

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Pheromones, Sexl Appeal: What Feeds Your Ego vs What Kills Your Soul? — 14 Comments

  1. 1. What helps (increases) your ego or your self esteem?

    Being received.

    2. What kills your soul?

    Not being received.

    . . .

    By ‘being received’ I mean, we all have ‘something to give’. Possibly/probably multiple ‘things’ to give or share. (Kind of like your list above, but different for everybody.)

    When I find someone who needs and wants and is grateful to ~receive~ something which I need (to give) and want (to give) and am grateful to be able to ~give~, well, there is no greater joy, contentment, bliss.

    I grow. I shine.

  2. Material success and all the “glamour” of a “successful” social-and-material lifestyle/circle make me nauseous, and die a bit inside.

    I’m not saying I’m successful or well off – I’m not – but when I am in it to a degree ‘have it to a degree /see it in the road for me, when I’m surrounded by it and when I’m supposed to enjoy the glamour….
    It’s soul killing to me and my perspective.

    Funny, I wouldn’t think male attention would be a soul killer.

  3. Increased ego: someone thinks I have a good idea. Someone thinks I’m kind. The best compliment I ever got was someone who told me I “really seem like I am listening to them.” This from a stranger. I was, so, I was like: how! Someone recognizes this!

    Is this kinda what you mean by ‘received,’ SF?

    Ego killer: ummm…I find when I act less than honourable, my ego *hurts.* It’s a lot of the reason why I stopped taking recrational drugs: they prevented me from ‘being myself,’ and I felt gross.

    Capricorn Moon, yay!

  4. But, Elsa, you’ve said in your blog that with your Saturn-Neptune, you can invent reality at will. I think you have said this, no?

    I don’t know you obviously (other than what you write), but isn’t it possible that this other person is seeing a piece of your reality that you don’t? Maybe it is your liking it that hurts your ego (the reality of yourself vs. the ideal of yourself), not the actions of the other people crawling on you. I don’t know, not saying this is true, just that it is a possibility to consider…

  5. Well C, actually I am not confused. 🙂 I am in my body and quite sure I loathe this kind of attention. I hate it so much it would be impossible for me to mistake this.

    And though it’s easy to see how people I don’t know would assume otherwise, it is a surprise to me that someone so close to me would think this.

    He’s doesn’t think this anymore though. He gets it now. I have successfully communicated how I feel about this, which intensified our bond. Because there is nothing more satisfying (to me) than breaking through like this. Having someone “get me”. And when I take the time to explain something like this, the validity of what I am saying and how I feel becomes very obvious.

    This is sort of like me saying “I like chocolate” and you saying, “Maybe you really like vanilla…”

    No. I am sure I like chocolate. I have had both flavors in my mouth, see? 🙂

  6. I love attention, it always makes me happy, and while some will undoubtedly call this sad..I love being appreciated for my exterior-superficial qualities!! And guess what?? When I really stopped hiding my light under a bushel, when I stopped judging myself for liking it, I had even more sparkle..and I can see people relax and get happy around me. I really believe that being your genuine, true self..and it doesn’t have to be sparkly, not at all! just whoever you really are…is very disarming to people, and makes them feel safe, and feel good in your presence. And then you feel good…and so on. It’s not always a come-on, anyway, when people are attracted. Sometimes it’s just acknowlegment. You can always let people down while appreciating the interest, in a way that they don’t feel bad. Romantically, I wish I could love everyone the way they want, the ones I connect with…but I find that often not even true love is enough for people, I wonder if they even recognize it..it reminds me of that G.Garcia Marquez line about”Just because someone doesn’t love you like you want doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you with all his heart”. Yet so often that is not even enough for people!
    So that’s what raises my self-esteem..but I think I do that for other people all the time as well. I like to tell people what makes them lovable and wonderful..and they are happy to hear it!

  7. “I hate it so much it would be impossible for me to mistake this.”

    Actually, I think that when we feel really strongly about something, our capacity to mistake it is greater, not less.

    But, I’m not saying that your words are invalid, I’m not assuming anything about you. Your truth is what’s most important. I’m just offering another point of view (which you are completely free to discard, of course).

    • I agree and I like your way of thinking. Usually the things we deny most ardently are the ones most true. (If it’s irrelevant for the person in discussion, then why so jumpy about it?). Shouldn’t a more chilled attitude have confirmed that Elsa doesn’t care about it? But still, Elsa is the one to decide in the end, what is true for her.

  8. I’ve noticed over the years, I prefer comfort and less flash and to be less noticeable. Even though weirdly i’m with a man who likes me to look a little more flashy, yet, not too much. it’s a weird balance. I end up looking like a frumpy librarian, where even my husband has joked on many occasions that when we see a frumpy woman on television with one of those plain, buttoned up comfortable cardigan sweaters, he will say, hey! she stole one of your clothes. lol all I need is a pair of thick rimmed glasses.

    I can relate to being loving, loyal, caring ect helps my ego, these things make me happy, or just want to be loved by the ones I want to be loved! which are my closest and dearest.

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