Pain And Avoiding Regret Around Relationships Ending At This Time, Con’t.

In regards to my remark, ” “To avoid pain, do the right thing. Act maturely” on Dealing With Pain And Avoiding Regret Around Relationships That Are Ending As Saturn Leaves Libra  abella writes:

“I’ve found some people saying they’ve ‘done’ the ‘right thing’ but they haven’t from my perspective. I don’t think they know ‘what’ the right thing is.

Can you lend some thoughts Elsa on how they can figure out right from wrong? And as you suggest, those people haven’t been ‘mature’ and have been more ‘me oriented’. But what I have witnessed is down the road, they end up paying for not doing what was right at the time (right, in Saturn’s mind).”

Saturn in Libra is all about boundaries.  You don’t really know what is in a person’s heart.  There are definitely people who endeavor to remain blameless throughout their lives. It may seem they get away with this in the near term, but eventually they hit a wall.  Jupiter types like me, gallop off, figuring we’ll land on our feet and in the near term we may.  But down the road – UGH.

On the other hand, a person who is being left may claim the person leaving them is not doing the right thing, when in fact they are.  For example, you may have a long distance relationship end at this time when one person realizes that no one is going to move and it cannot be sustained. The person being left may think “the right thing to do” is to move home and marry them, but in reality, the love is not there.

An individual must decide what is right for themselves because they are the one who will live with the consequences, which can be quite painful and last for years.

As for defining what it “right”, relationships should be equitable with Saturn in Libra.  If you’re taking, you should be giving.  You should be giving people their due and getting what you deserve in return.

I cook, my husband weed eats. I drive the kids, they take out the trash.  Someone pays me to read their chart, I give them my best work, and my total focus.

If you are still pointing your finger at the other and calling them a demon, you’ve missed the boat. It takes two to tango and all that jazz…

Are your relationships balanced?

 

 

Related


Comments

Pain And Avoiding Regret Around Relationships Ending At This Time, Con’t. — 12 Comments

  1. No, they are not balanced, I still give more than I get in return from others. But I’m set up that way and definitely more comfortable that way. I am however, doing more things right by me, these days (not at the expense of others) and that feels good 🙂
    Angie

  2. I feel my relationships are all balanced at this point. This is on my end…the part I can control, that is.

    All my debts are paid as well, or agreements have been negotiated for things that are still in limbo.

    I am not on the wrong side of anyone’s boundary, etc.

    Apologies have been made, regardless of whether or not they’ve been accepted.

    I think I am covered here. 🙂

  3. I was in a “better than nothing” relationship that ended because he didn’t love me. He did me a favor because he was NOT going to be there for me like I was there for him. Now I have the opportunity to find someone who will be, or continue to take care of myself.
    I continue to learn to patrol my boundaries. I’ve called several people for taking advantage or not doing what they promised with mixed results, but that’s not my problem. My job was to stand my ground. I was terrible at that – now I’m better. I always fall on the side of doing more than my share, but I try to keep it more balanced. I’ve made apologies where needed. I’m on good terms with almost everyone I know.
    Now, am I ready for Saturn in Scorpio?

  4. This comes so timely for me since I am seriously considering breaking up with my alcoholic and as of late suicidal boyfriend.. I love him and care for him so deeply, that it makes it a very hard decision to make and follow through. Besides, being too afraid of his reactions complicates things.. But I feel that the past 1,5 year that we are together I’ve done my best and used all possible means to help him firstly aknowledge and then adress his issues. I’ve also started seeing regularly a specialised therapist. However, things seem to get worse and worse since he is not really invested in the therapy process. He has even started abusing the medication that is supposed to help him abstain resulting in very bad and dangerous “trips”. I start realising that my patience, my understading and my affection is actually enabling him to keep on. My needs are not only not met but I’m starting to fall apart myself due to sleepless nights and loss of appetite. This whole situation is sucking my energy and giving me a feeling of hopelessness and of possibly being manipulated. Our circle of friends and family keep telling me that I have been very courageous and solid, but I guess that now I have to be courageous and solid enough to just say no.. For the moment, I’m just distancing myself. Not easy though..It’s been my first saturn return (2nd house) and loss, grief and hardship kept falling on me. I believed that this love was a gift sent to me for soothing my pain, but I guess this was not the kind of gift I hoped for.. Nevertheless, it has been a gift in the sense that it has offered me many life lessons.

  5. The reasons I broke it off with my ex husband:

    1. He did not want my son around him or in his house.
    2. He was obsessively insistent that my views and ideas were “not Christian” and therefore flawed and/or dirty.
    3. Every financial interaction I ever had with him was skewed his way and unfair to me and my son.
    4. He would disappear on me in the hardest moments of my life and have a tantrum instead.
    5. He thought I was fat and would scold me about how he didn’t want to be with someone for the rest of his life ” who was sick”
    6. he demanded that I learn and continue to improve in the areas of obsessive cleanliness according to his dictates, for example having to put his underwear in his drawer the correct way.
    7. He refused to allow my books or things that I loved or anything of mine “in his house” because none of them were ‘Christian’.
    8. He was surrounded by women who he said were “just friends” who wanted to know about the Bible.
    9. He had an ongoing intense relationship with his ex-wife through his daughter.
    10. He was mean to waitstaff and pretended he wasn’t.
    11. He was prejudiced against Hispanics and pretended he wasn’t.
    12. He would find me in a low moment and say something specifically mean and targeted exactly at that low soft spot, whatever it was.
    13. I gave up a lucrative career to be with him and then spent the next seven years in a state of impoverishment while he banked everything he ever made.

    Still, he insisted — ” he loved me.”

    That’s why I ended it. I’m writing this here because there was never any doubt in my mind that was what I needed to do — what I didn’t understand was why he was so insistent on staying together. He was a fucking asshole to me in every way possible. Did he just think he’d never find anyone else he could abuse so easily?

    I’ll probably never know but the bottom line is: there was no negotiation possible. If there had been I would have done it. All the things I just listed above, he denied every single one of them and would start screaming instead.

    It was just obvious. No matter what he said, that guy did not love me. I don’t know what he loved or what he thought he was doing but it sure the hell was not love.

  6. Like Cyress723.. I’m continuing to learn to be more balanced and its interesting b/c even though I’m still talking to my ex he has been showing that he wants whatever kind of relationship it is that we have now to be more balanced.. whereas I used to do a lot of the footwork he now is working to pick up the tab or sharing the bill.. and its sad to say but now I know that that’s the way it should of been from the beginning!

  7. My last relationship ended April 30, 2005, and as in the example given, it was a long distance relationship. One that I entered, not because of an overwhelming love, but because the man’s attentions were flattering and he really seemed to care about me (this makes my relationship-oriented self squirm to even admit). After he had me, the very thing that had attracted me to him — his willingness to listen and to care — changed rather abruptly, and when I asked him why the attitude change, his response was along the lines of wanting to “fix” things. We went back and forth over four years because he was well aware I would never have gotten involved with him had he not said he wanted to move here, but he kept finding reasons to delay his move.
    The day after I found out my father was too ill to live alone any longer, my ex broke it off with me stating his feelings had “turned platonic”. This was five minutes after I’d told him my father had also told me he would be leaving me less money than previously thought.
    In my own defense, it had been many years since I’d felt really passionate about anyone, and I believed that maybe those days were gone forever and it was time to settle for someone who seemed to want me. I’m not sure how my ex would be able to rationalize being with me for my eventual inheritance.

  8. I wanted to tell Anotheravatar that I, too, was married to someone who often manipulated me with guilt. We both married very young – 19 & 22 – and I always felt I couldn’t leave because it would crush him.
    After 10 years and much therapy, I left. Then he attempted suicide and almost succeeded but my brother kicked in the door and the fire dept. resuscitated him.
    What I finally learned was that no one commits suicide for just one reason. I felt extremely guilty for many years – and still do to some extent. But I had to leave that relationship to save myself.
    Since alcohol is a part of the problem you might find Al-anon. very supportive. The 1st time I went to a meeting I heard someone say, ” I didn’t cause the problem, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it.” That helped me immensely.

  9. I agree Elsa with people doing what’s right for themselves. However if you (they/me) don’t act maturely to end things properly then it will come back on you down the line. I’ve ended some relationships not in the nicest of ways and it has come back to myself. Now I understand how someone else feels. It isn’t nice now I understand. But the lesson is worth it.

    As for balance, some of them are and some are not. And the ones that are not, I attempt to balance but I can’t do it alone so if there’s no cooperation then I stay as far away as possible. Relationships are all about being 2 way streets.

  10. Thank you, Lakshmi, for sharing your experience with me.
    I am afraid that I will have to deal with such a scenario sooner or later since my boyfriend keeps telling me that I’m the only reason he stays in life. And I can mentally process and I do try to make him also understand that he is embarking me in an unfair guilt trip since, at the same time, he keeps getting more and more self-destructive and dangerous for those around him and especially me that I’m closer.
    However, I don’t manage to detach or transcend emotionnally and I feel so sad,confused and kind of trapped.. I believed that the deep love we share and all the efforts we’ve done and are doing with his family to get him the best framework for recovery would motivate him enough to choose the light. His life has been full of trauma and he has done lots of bullshit too. I can see and feel for his enormous strain and anger but I can also see that there are still ways out. Nevertheless, it’s true that it is his call,and his only. And as far as he keeps walking on the dark side, he just drags me there too, amplifying suffering and pain..This does no good to anybody..
    Fortunately, I have professional support in a specialised structure and it definately helps keeping at some degree my feelings in check.
    Thanks again, Lakshmi, for your message. It definitely offers perspective to my inner troubles and dillemas.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *