Hi Elsa,
I’m a freelancer and met a guy online through a job I did. Right away we seemed to hit it off, and then we met when I went to his city and it was instant attraction. Total physical attraction, and we were also on the same intellectual and emotional wavelength. We haven’t acted on this: he’s married. However, we kind of get close and pull back, get even closer and pull back, and my feeling is that something could happen for sure if we don’t control this.
We had an idea for a work collaboration, just the two of us, but I thought that might be playing with fire, so I decided not to do it. We’ve talked about how for now we have to cool it, but I can feel that the door is still ajar, and it feels so unfinished.
The thing is, Elsa, it seems absurd that two adults can’t overcome this, and yet it is unbelievably hard. It seems like throwing the baby out with the bathwater to say that we have to part ways because we might not be able to control ourselves. Is it the astrological interaction affecting this?
Thanks,
Freelancer
Dear Freelancer,
I am going to be very blunt. Yes, you can overcome it. Keep your hands off each other. Stand back! Because look. We all meet people we are attracted to all the time. And people in committed relationships who have integrity make a decision not to feed these things. And fact is, if you don’t feed the fantasy, if you don’t stoke the fire guess what happens?
What happens is, reality intrudes!! No, I don’t really want to fuck up my marriage. No, I don’t really want to fuck up someone else’s marriage. No, I probably will NOT end up with this other woman’s husband for life! And yes, there is an attraction, but so what?
This is really very simple. Do you want to be a woman who screws other women’s husbands? If this doesn’t bother you, then go ahead. Play the game and pay the price. But if not, then get your head out the clouds. And for godsakes, don’t blame astrology!
Look. I am as horny as they come, believe me. And I readily relate to people. I am a very open channel and connect all the time. However, I don’t cheat. PERIOD. I don’t cheat on people, I don’t cheat with people and this is non-negotiable.
And because of this, people trust me, implicitly. And I don’t spend my any part of my life making tearful apologies, or writhing around in my bed in regret. There is no end to the suffering I’ve avoided having made this decision when I was very young and I hope you notice this all about me – all about you, that is.
See I don’t care who the guy is, or what the astrology says: you are the one calling the shots. You are the one who decides who and how you interact with other people. The door is open because you left it that way and if you seriously can’t control yourself around this man, then cut it off.
And I think you’ll be amazed how relieved you feel if you take this path. Nothing feels better than doing the right thing.
Good luck.
i love these tough love columns. thank you, elsa.
I want to Thank You Elsa! for presenting a model of integrity for all your readers.
amen!
Great advice! It couldn’t have been stated any better.
:::aplause:::
interesting.
It feels unfinished because it’s not finished in your head (or his). The fact you’re saying “cool it for now” is explicitly leaving that door open. Otherwise, it’s cool it completely, period, right? It’s more like saying you’ll slow down than anything else.
You could use the whole “two adults should be able to handle this” thing to rationalize staying connected and/or escalating contact via a one-on-one joint project, but you know in your heart where it’s going.
If you don’t end the dance the two of you are engaged in, there is only one likely ending. What you feed grows.
“Temptation usually comes in through a door
that has deliberately been left open.”
— Unknown
“Most people would like
to be delivered from temptation
but would like it to keep in touch.”
— Robert Orben
“For to tempt and to be tempted
are things very nearly allied…
whenever feeling has anything to do in the matter,
no sooner is it excited than we have already
gone vastly farther than we are aware of.”
— Catherine the Great
“Always put off until tomorrow
what you shouldn’t do at all.”
— Morris Mandel
“Maturity is achieved when a person
postpones immediate pleasures
for long-term values.”
— Joshua L. Liebman
“I count him braver who overcomes his desires
than him who conquers his enemies;
for the hardest victory is over self.”
— Aristotle
“Once the toothpaste is out of the tube,
it is awfully hard to get it back in.”
— H. R. Haldeman
Comments and quotes to live by in this world of itself.
haha!
thanks hobo girl!
Freelancer… this is a great opportunity: you get a chance to excercize good choices and revel in your ability to choose to overcome a very tempting and self-destructive situation! We’re given these opportunities to triumph and when we do we need to celebrate ourselves.
If this guy is in Ohio (I think I know who you’re talking about here) or Pennsylvania – run now… far, far away. It’s not worth it.