I am newlywed, with a nine-year old stepdaughter. His daughter liked me… until I married her father. Then, she began wanting to sleep with us. We told her she needed to sleep in her new bedroom. She kept asking my husband and he did put her back; he knew I meant it. So now she wont even come over.
I love her. She tells my husband she does like me but she doesn’t want to come. I feel like a outcast and she is so spoiled by her grandma. My husband says there is nothing he can do. We don’t want to force her, but she should want to come see her dad. So he goes occasionally and takes her to lunch, then to her grandmas, that’s all.
I have been good to her. I’ve been friendly but I can do no more. I am worn out.
I am not sure what you’re asking for here, other than an outside perspective – so I’ll give you one. It sounds to me like you’ve done a very good job with this situation in all ways and on all levels. And it sounds like your stepdaughter is struggling to adjust. But it does not sound as if the situation is ominous or anything like that.
Look. Her dad had a girlfriend, that’s one thing. But now he’s made a commitment, so of course this is going to rock her world. So she reverts back to wanting to sleep with him… which basically only means, she wants to be reassured she is still his number one girl.
And some women out there would freak about that, but not you. You seem to get it, completely. You want this family intact. So here is my advice:
First, try to detach a bit. Look at the situation intellectually, rather than getting all emotional about it. What this girl needs is her daddy to tell her she’s a big deal. So encourage him to do that. To shore her up and let her know he loves the living shit out of her, regardless of his relationship with you.
Next, lay off the grandma. The spoiling, or whatever she is doing, is only going to bother you if you let it. Forget about her, and play your own game. Because your motives are good. You want a strong family and if you keep yourself clear, and focused on your positive, high-minded goal, I am pretty sure you will win out. Know why?
Because your stepdaughter likes you, remember? And no doubt, this is because you’re a good person. She’s just trying to come to terms with the change. And even in this midst of this crisis, she still has good things to say about you, so you know how I read that? This is the girl talking: “I’m intrigued with the new deal, my dad’s wife, but I am very frightened and I am not sure how I fit in. I don’t know how to act and I don’t have anyone to ask…”
Now you’re a Cancer sun, so you know what to do. You’re a natural “mother” and you can work this out. Just take it very slow and easy and help this girl feel secure and safe in her new home.
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