My Narcissistic Ex-Fiance Wants to Reengage

Hi Elsa,

I have been torn as to whether or not to continue communicating with my ex-fiance. I could either have a “no contact” stance or to encourage an open dialogue and actually encourage him to call me. I hope you can help me make the right decision.

It has been about 4 years since we broke up, so it was very much out of the blue and unexpected when I received his phone calls (which I did not respond to) and emails (which I ended up responding to, after several weeks of doing my best not to).

I asked him what he wanted and he claims he wants to say hello, since many years has passed, to see how me and my children were doing, and to offer a sincere apology. Since he was apologetic throughout our relationship and his behavior never changed as a result, as far as I’m concerned they are empty words not backed up with consistent action.

Through much work on myself and a strong desire to understand and heal from this tumultuous relationship, it is clear to me that he suffers from narcisstic personality disorder (and commitment problems), due to an abusive childhood including on-going molestation from a man close to him. From what I’ve read and learned, the prognosis is poor with or without therapy.

All advice I’ve gathered from other sources say to have NO CONTACT, with the exception of a psychic reading which suggested otherwise. The reading said that he has done a lot of self-examination and that speaking with him again holds potential for the both of us to have healing. I am doing my best to have no contact, but it’s not easy. I’m tempted to encourage him to call, but I don’t want to open myself to more pain if that’s the case.

The relationship was a very confusing, abusive type of relationship that was also very loving at the same time (a very mixed bag). I wanted to leave within the 1st month, but being a single mother of two little children at the time and falling for each and everyone of his apologies, I ended up staying for 5 years.

When he ended the relationship he did it in a VERY cold and cruel way (including doing a Houdini and my guess is marrying another woman). I was deeply traumatized by it all and still recovering.

With hindsight vision, I now believe he was not honest to me from the start and probably was unfaithful during our entire relationship. He couldn’t make a commitment and I think it was not just with me. I do believe he did love me, to the extent that he could, and that he didn’t want to hurt me, but it was as if he was not equipped to do any better.

I know he knows he has hurt me deeply, but I guess he was hoping that with time passing I would forgive and forget? So, to come out of the blue like this just when I was getting stronger and ready to move on is like opening up a can of worms all over again. It’s almost like he has a 6th sense that I was getting over him and the trauma.

Still, I have a soft spot for him, still feel love towards him despite everything and had experienced some of my most happiest and fun times with him. Since I didn’t have closure in the way that I would have liked, I’m wondering if this is the opportunity to do so.

Or, am I delusional to think that we could have a mutually beneficial friendship? I do not desire to be romantically involved with him again, so it’s not about that. I’m torn as to whether or not to encourage a friendship. Given the situation, I wonder if it is actually possible to have a mutually beneficially one.

This has been on my mind every moment of the day, and I can’t seem to figure out what to do, as all advice (with the exception of the psychic reading I recently had) says to stay away.

Feeling Torn

Dear Torn,

I am an astrologer and I have been all of my life. I look at charts. And I look at people. I look at charts one at time, two at a time, three at a time, etc. And I look at people on their own as well as how they interact with other people and over the years, which are now decades, I’ve come to some conclusions and one of them is this:

The way two people interact is the way two people interact. And two years, two miles, twenty years or twenty miles has little if any impact. So I would say that if you opt to re-involve yourself with this man, you can expect the exact same result as last time. You can expect a mixture of love and pain. You can expect to be deceived. And you can expect to be dumped on your fuckin’ head.

Because as a matter of fact, the relationship has already constellated in the exact form it was the first time. That is, he’s a apologizing…

So what it comes down to is this: Do you want to go another round?

If you do, you have the opportunity. He’s right there with his gloves on, laced up and ready to go. So do you have your ice-pack handy? Because you’re going to need it.

So there you go. This is your situation. Step in the ring and get your ass kicked, or do what I would do. Tell yourself life is way too short to waste on dickhe… I mean, negative people.

Good luck.

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Comments

My Narcissistic Ex-Fiance Wants to Reengage — 8 Comments

  1. “The way two people interact is the way two people interact. And two years, two miles, twenty years or twenty miles has little if any impact.”

    So true… for better or for worse…

  2. I thank you for this as well. I’ve not ever been in this situation, but I see how it could arise, and I’m going to remember this advice if I ever find myself there.

  3. Your advice, as usual, is right on. She may need to go another round to feel finished though. We kind of follow our heart about things like that. I hope she doesnt get too hurt again or be mad at her self too long if she decides to go that route. “Beneficial Friendship”, yeah right, beneficial for who? Not for her….

  4. Right on advice, Elsa! I’m kind of involved with an Aquarius myself,(oy vey!). The reason I say “kind of” is because they can be some confused and confusing game-playing bs artists when they’ve been damaged in childhood. That Aquarius commitment thing gets even more twisted and intense…apparently buying their own bs, apologizing ad nauseum, but never really accepting responsibility for their own passive aggressive crap. They love to mess with your mind! (Air signs generate ideas) Listen, if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your kids: show them what integrity and self-respect is all about and be bigger than whatever need you may think you have for him. They’ll thank you for it 20 years down the line. Think how confused and hurt his behavior has made you feel. Now, they’re gonna watch you throw yourself back in the mix with this jackass? Imagine how confused your behavior is gonna make THEM feel! Don’t do it sister! Be strong! And love yourself real good! Kiss him off, and send him the name of a good therapist.

  5. I love how, more often than not, your advice applies to something going on in my life, even when I’m not the letter writer.

    Excellent.

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