My Unfathomable, Unsolvable, Conundrum

There was nothing extraordinary about last night so I was pretty shocked when a series of events unfolded that left me feeling devastated.  I bounce back pretty quickly but roughly twelve hours later, I still feel blindsided and half the problem is my inability verbalize my feelings.

I process via communicating but there are times when things strike me in such a deeply personal way, while I can express my feelings, they are incomprehensible to others. I think this is because my life experience is so abnormal, it just can’t be related to or understood in some or certain places.  It’s as if there is a shelf there and I go over it.

This is 8th house phenomena in part.  The keyword “unfathomable” applies in a situation like this but I feel it’s complicated by Neptune on my midheaven.  That placement obscures and confuses everything in all directions and from my perspective, there are times I wind up feelings like a marionette or a ventriloquist’s dummy.

These figures don’t actually have personalities or realities outside what is provided by their handlers.  They also don’t have the ability to walk away.

Look at that guy in the picture, his name is Fred.  What if he had an actual brain and life experience?  Would he not be wholly screwed?

That’s how I feel.





My Unfathomable, Unsolvable, Conundrum — 17 Comments

  1. Thank you for posting this Elsa. It has just clarified something for me that had me stuck and flailing a bit for the past four years or so – I now feel coherent, in the broadest sense of the word, again so thank you so much.

    I have a lot of 12th house scorp, as well an 8th house moon square my libra stellium, and my life has also involved a lot of experiences that I’ve realised are impossible for people to understand or even comprehend unless they have been through the same or similar themselves – there aren’t many of these around and there have been times when, I’ve been feeling vulnerable, that I’ve felt very isolated and cut off from other people as a result. Your comment has reminded me how important it is for me to acknowledge this and to try to find someone who gets it (or has the capacity to get me)and who I can share this part of myself with when it needs a bit of airing/soothing or at least honour it by writing, painting or listening to music and either crying or dancing it out.

    Just as importantly it has also reminded me where my real strength lies and the value of what I have to offer other people as a result of having had and processed those experiences – as you do every day on your blog. I’m currently in my 1st Saturn Return, unemployed and trying to decide where I go from here – you have helped me more than you’ll ever know. Thank you.

  2. That’s so weird. Last night I was thinking about that very thing; about how my life is *so* weird that I sometimes feel like the rest of humanity is impenetrable and I am also impenetrable. I lie and bed and think, I really can’t imagine doing *anything* I tried to do before. Can’t imagine.

    Anyway, though, Elsa. Maybe Fred is screwed. But look at him. In a way he is also deeply protected.

  3. I don’t have anything in House 8 (for which I’m often grateful after reading about it here so much!) but I do feel people fall either side of a fence.

    There are those who are avid for experience and continually put themselves on the the line, and those who play a defensive game – they try to stay safe. And those of us who opt to LIVE are always going to have life experiences beyond the norm, which take us way out there, where others often can’t follow. But there’s a price to pay for being a pioneer, an explorer, a risk-taker. We take the road less travelled:

    Robert Frost:

  4. I definitely feel much the same way about my experiences in life. Being raised in the kind of suburb where everyone appears to have a perfect home and family life, made it even more obvious to me while growing up. But, I will say, that I think that the benefit of this is extraordinary in the fact that it’s made me so much more observant, compassionate, understanding, and empathetic. I think these experiences that were so profoundly life changing provides a kind of wisdom that can be used to help people in so many ways, if even just to open their mind a bit. I like that about myself and don’t feel like I have the right to deny anyone help, emotionally or otherwise, and I’ve seen the effects that my alternate perspective can offer. That’s not to say I wouldn’t have preferred a more traditional life path. But, this is the hand I’ve been dealt, I guess.

  5. This does feel very familiar. The trickiness, the cleverness of the web of strings. neptune just moved into my 12th and I feel at times that the strings are more like rods.

  6. @ BP
    “But there’s a price to pay for being a pioneer, an explorer, a risk-taker. We take the road less travelled:”
    ooook..Robert Frost has crossed my vision twice in less than an hour. I reckon I need to pay attention to something

  7. Thank you, eris. I am tired but through a crisis. I hope to sleep well tonight (and should, like a rock). If so, I should wake up recovered.

    On the upside, I got around a very big obstacle today, deepened my relationship, made a big (and I think very good) decision in regards to my son’s future, had a regular client have a wonderful breakthrough and was tapped for a leadership position by women I respect! Not bad for 24 hours, sobbing aside. 🙂

  8. Here, eighth house Pluto and Uranus, with Mars-Neptune conjunction on my MC ánd on my North Node. (need I say more? Yes!) Funny you use the word “unfathomable” because I used that word yesterday in my first comment on this site. Another word that applies to me is “desillusion”, I’m going through a fase where everything dissapoints me, my friends, my lovelife, the world… but I’m disappointed in myself too, because I can’t find my purpose! I regard this Mars-Neptuneconj with negative associations as “action leading nowhere” “energy put into the wrong things”, but I just can’t help it! The solutions by transits were too early for me, Uranus and Pluto went over it long time ago. Maybe the upcoming squares of transit Neptune and Uranus will help.
    Your story sounds busy and emotional, but at least there is progress! Good luck.

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