My 8th House Wants To Know: What Is It Like To Be Innocent?

One thing about having a packed 8th house, everyone is always innocent but you. It sets up like this on a routine basis and has throughout my life. I think this is why people like me find and maintain an inner circle.

I remember some years ago the soldier told me he wanted someone to be on his side.  Be on side and stay on his side. It’s too much to ask of most but I understood him and while I didn’t say anything at the time (he’d have never believed me), I silently committed to being on his side from then on out, for the rest of my life.

I figured I knew him well enough. I knew his character and I figured if he was taking fire and there were smoke on the hill… well when it cleared I felt confident his good character would still be there right where it always was.

The current situation reminds me of when Henry died. I was in my early 20’s and called to administer his will.  He died suddenly, just 3 days after I took him to the emergency room and it was just shocking. For one thing, he’d not been to a traditional doctor in all of my lifetime that I can recall, but also he was my Grandpa and bigger than life.

Henry always said he thought he could live to be 100 and he was quite credible. He was nowhere near 100 when he died so it was shock and then shock.  First he wants to go to the hospital and 3 days later – dead.

My bosses mother died within an hour of Henry dying.  They were Jewish so she had to go sit shiva. I didn’t know a lot about that at the time but Henry taught me all about respecting other people’s beliefs so I found myself working while he lie dead in the hospital so that my boss could… do what was required. I was tending bar, see.  Trying not to cry throughout my 8 hour shift.  Didn’t tell anyone of course. The people in the bar were there for a good time, plus I knew if I said anything I would come unglued.

I didn’t realize I would be called to take care of his body.  Like I said I was young and both parents were living and you just kind of assume this will fall to your parents not you but that’s not what happened. It fell to me and the hospital called me repeatedly to come get him. They wanted the bed, see, but I didn’t understand and I mean I did not understand.

I finally got off work and drove to the hospital as I had been ordered to all day.  I met whoever it was I was supposed to meet and short story short, they told me to get him out of there.  I was not sure what they meant. I did not know where I was supposed to take him.  I was in shock, see?  And also just plain ignorant.

“The funeral home.”

“What funeral home?”

“Whatever funeral home you want to use.”

My head was spinning, the man handed me a phone book.  “Pick one,” he said.

“And do what?’

“Call them.”

I didn’t know how I was supposed to get his body there. I wondered if I was supposed to drive him, dead, in my car and I actually asked the guy this.

“They’ll come get him in an ambulance,” he said.

“Oh.”

I was immediately terrified. Being from the desert and being poor, all I knew was I could not afford an ambulance…

The story goes on and it gets worse.  I wound up having to clean out his house over the course of about 6 weeks, I was taking care of my mother at the time and I don’t know what to say besides this damned near sent me around the bend.

I wound up fired by the same boss I’d covered for – I can’t tell you why except she was grieving and I was there. I had worked there 3 years and not a month prior I had watched this gal’s 3 kids when she went on vacation. She told me at the time there was not another person in the world she’d trust with her children so you might imagine my shock when she fired me.

I lost my family at this time as well and I mean I lost every single one of them.  They were also grieving and somehow in their grief I became the guilty party and I was stunned by this. How can I be the guilty party when I am doing all the work?

But I am telling you this is what happens when you have a chart like mine. You do all the work in the dirty grave and the people who aren’t charged with such things talk about you. You’re black and they’re innocent.

I came out of that period about a year later when I met, Ben. He’s a Scorpio. I have been on his side since and he on mine. Life long friends.

Anyway, I just think it’s funny that everyone on this blog is innocent but me. Everyone in court is innocent but me too.  Other astrologers? Innocent of course.

When you are looking for the blackest, darkest, I am her. I trump the Special Forces soldiers and the triple Scorpios, hands down and I don’t even try.

I know what it’s like to be me but I wonder what it is like to be you.  Innocent.  What is it like when everything bad and nasty and wrong goes on the other person?

Maybe someone will tell me.

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Comments

My 8th House Wants To Know: What Is It Like To Be Innocent? — 53 Comments

  1. When I first saw this post, I thought that it would be on entirely different subject.

    Some people just have a tougher time. Others get an undue amount of love and attention. I don’t know why.

    “I know what it’s like to be me but I wonder what it is like to be you. Innocent. What is it like when everything bad and nasty and wrong goes on the other person?”

    If you have an ounce of self realization, you will feel guilty.

  2. When you are looking for the blackest, darkest, I am her. I trump the Special Forces soldiers and the triple Scorpios, hands down and I don’t even try.

    Yeah. This. I went to see Chronicles of Narnia with a woman and her daughter – they started to cry because of the pure, childish innocence involved in the movie that touched them.

    I was like….man. I’ve never been that. I’ve never been the person that’s innocent and untainted and actually? I was snickering at some double meaning in the script over here in my own little head that probably sailed clear over theirs.

    Death. Sex. Strife. Struggle. It gravitates to me like a big old 8th house magnet.

  3. flip, that is interesting. I read it a few times and realized I am not sure what you mean.

    I don’t think the people who are “innocent” are innocent. I think they think they are innocent because they are so busy / enthralled watching people like me be dark.

    Is this how you read my post or do you think there are just some people the dark does not touch?

  4. the “innocent” are scared.
    they think if they do everything right they won’t get hurt. or try to pretend so.
    so if something bad happens to someone, the reflex assumption is they must have broken one of the rules…. been “bad,” and they figure out a way to prove to themselves how the person in question isn’t “good”
    root of the blaming the victim business.

  5. Elsa…reading this post makes me think of all the times that I, being the eldest, the responsible, the one person you know if you gave an assignment to, they would do it!, and when it comes out wrong or not what others thought….it has usually been my fault. I think that most people don’t want to take on the responsibility…..or just are not in that position at that said time and place and when the call of duty comes….there you are…standing around…waiting for the other to tell you where to go or what to do next. And without missing a beat, because you are so used to just picking up and going and doing, you just do it and don’t even think about what you are being asked to do……so many times in my life I didn’t know what the hell I was doing and wondering why I was the one doing it….

    I can remember so many times, but I will tell of one in particular…when my father was arrested for subterfuge actions during a very political war many years back…..I was the only one who flew to the US to sit in the courtroom and listen to what the judge had to say and then sentence him without a clue as to what the hell was going on. I remember everyone leaving the courtroom at once and just sat there and then went into the ladies room and cried my eyes out until the prosecutor came into the ladies room to get me and take me to go see my dad. He had my father brought especially into his office where I could talk to him for over an hour and all my dad could say was, “Go home, little girl….this is no place for a little girl like you…go home.” When I got home…everyone was yelling at me….”what the hell, why didn’t you stand up and say something??!!” To this day, I don’t know why I went and nobody else did….I was assigned to go….that was all…

  6. Elsa, I think I heard you say on one thread that this situation happened during the hardest transit of your life? I remember you saying Neptune was in hard aspect to your Moon. Wow, I’m glad those times are over!

    Oh, and what does it feel to be innocent? I don’t know because I am not innocent. But with my innocent, watery, Bambi eyed Pisces rising people sure do think I am though. But once I open my mouth they know I know their secrets and they run for the hills!

  7. This kind of thing happens to my brother all the time. He is a pretty heavy, deep, and badass person. Moral to the extreme and the most unbeliveable shit falls out of the sky to land on him, likewise his friends/family/complete strangers pull shit you would not believe.

    I also think there are people who don’t see the world in terms of Innocent or Guilty. Good or Bad.

    I have nothing in the 8th, no Scorpio, the only kind of edge I have is either Urainian/detached or Leo/proud. I never think in terms of innocence or guilt, and rarely if I am honest, in terms of pure cause and effect. I see things more intertwined with perhaps many multipule causes and effects (chart ruler gemini)

    I am examining what happens all the time and digesting it, but I rarely label the people involved… even when they are fucking me over. Instead I think, ‘Wow so that’s what happened’ or “oh I get it” Or that was Awful!

    I get left holding the bag of shit a fair amount of the time, now that I think about it. I am blamed by many for much… maybe it’s simply that when I don’t like someone, which I don’t when they put shit on me, I don’t like to think about them anymore, and they become one more of the pile of invisable refuse I’m forced to make my way around.

    I do think that Scorpio/8th house draws conclusions, whereas cancer/4th house simply emotes about the thing. I learn quite a bit from the Scorpios in my life purely on the level of understanding what happend and why.

    I have moon square neptune and for better or worse I can forget how bad things really were. In fact I try to make myself remember so I don’t wind up in the same places, with the same type people. I’m really just thinking about all this as I write it.

    I love and respect you very much Elsa, in particular your honesty and dedication to Yourself as well as your Family.

    I think that generally, people betray themselves constantly, and if you are willing to do that, you are willing to do anything… murder, rape, whatever, it’s all a matter of degrees.

    Witnessing integrity is one of the very few things that makes life worth living.

  8. Omie…I really like your chart ruler (Gemini)…it is quite evident in your style of writing…you can express what others are thinking and feeling in a great way. I admire that…..I too forget so much…I have to be reminded of times gone past that I was hurt or betrayed. You put that so well…..thank you…

  9. I remember feeling truly vile and evil as a child, probably for very small crimes like thinking bad thoughts. This would have been around age 9 or so. Every time my church had a revival I would go and get “saved” again.

    I was a very good child and young adult. It wasn’t until I grew up and started defining good and evil for myself that I began to feel honorable and decent. About that time the rest of the world started seeing me as a black sheep. I know my heart and I don’t believe that my motivations are always pure but I sure don’t ever believe the ones who seem to think they are purely innocent and I am awful.

  10. I’m shocked by this post. Actually, no, I’m shocked by my own natal chart. I mentioned I’m really a beginner here, and I realized today that I have Mars, Uranus, and Pluto all in my 8th house, all squared to the sun. I did some googling, read some interpretations. And I sat at my computer with my mouth hanging open and considered never looking at my chart again.

    It actually makes me feel better to know you have a crappy 8th house too, FWIW. Because I only know you a little so far, but I like you alot.

    As far as the “innocent” ones go, I simply don’t engage. The people who are close to me just aren’t like that; they couldn’t be, or I couldn’t be close to them. For less-close folks, I just deal with them on whatever level that interaction is necessary, and I assume that life will catch up to them someday, and I move along.

    Actually, I have a great example of this. I am disabled now, after two serious illnesses, and there was a point, many years ago, when I was on *serious* narcotics. My brother told my mother he thought I was an addict. He didn’t even think I was really sick. He thought my doctors were just my dealers, I guess. And I basically stopped talking to him at that point, for about 5 years.

    Then he got diverticulitis. And had two serious surgeries. And he learned something about pain, and about being sick, and about not being able to think your way out of it. And one day when I was on the phone with his wife, he suddenly wanted to talk to me. Not about anything important, just to say hi. I was shocked. He asked how I was feeling. That was the extent of the apology, but I recognized it for what it was.

    I suppose it’s very Sag of me to think that I do have some knowledge that I try to impart to the “innocent” ones. If they don’t want to hear it, I also figure they will learn, if not from me, from life. Eventually. 🙂

  11. I relate to these occurences – Scorpio does not rest until the most hidden aspect of the truth is revealed for understanding, i think. Others seem to brush difficult things off easily and yet there is a discomfort. I am repulsed by others often at every twist and turn in my life. I make people uncomfortable and so they direct this towards me in the most hurtful ways….especially after the courageous acts that no one else will touch and are relieved that someone else (me) does. It interests me to be so unknown by those who should be close. The very few who do get me I lay down my life for.

  12. I don’t know of any true innocents, but I have always kept this a secret. I’ve always thought it makes me flawed in some way, you know.. that perhaps it meant I wasn’t compassionate. It’s so weird to feel like you’re bleeding inside for others’ failings, for the manipulations they don’t think you can see. It’s worse when this is happening with people you have affection for. Which is why my circle of intimates is truly small, I guess. God. This is Pluto, it works like a sharp spear in my life.

    Are there true innocents? I wish someone would write in and describe it.

  13. You do all the work in the dirty grave and the people who aren’t charged with such things talk about you. You’re black and they’re innocent.

    Fuck. That’s my life in a nut shell right there.

  14. the pied piper of hamlin comes to mind…having the know-it-all to free the towns of rats and what thanks did he get…

    if innocence could be defined…for me i see it in plants, animals & very young children….and….i think they would all bend towards elsa … so says my pisces in 6th house…who wants to say more, but pluto in 12th opposing my mercury

  15. being innocent is to me being true to yourself and see things as they are, it is not about being good or bad or about what you’ve experienced in life. It is about being what or who you are, to believe in yourself and others.

  16. I think that when I was younger, I at least appeared very innocent. I was the good child, my brother was the troublemaker. Even though he’s the younger one, he was my tormentor, also sometimes my protector.

    I never played sports. Never even babysat, really. I think I looked too waif-like, and no one encouraged me to do the rough-and-tumble thing, and no one entrusted me with the physical responsibility of their children. One of my aunts once called me “a delicate flower.”

    I remember one time my brother was recruited to roll a recently cut log to our wood pile. I wanted to roll one too! (Even though no one asked or expected me to.) So even though once I started I realized it was more than I bargained for, I kept pushing the darn log, because I didn’t want to be the weakling.

    But the innocent image can be kind of a pain in the ass, too. Even if people project lovely, kind, sweet things onto you, they’re still projecting. And maybe sometimes you get to feeling like you’ve been left out of something. I knew when I was younger that I had growing up to do, naivete to overcome, but the world didn’t always seem prepared to hurl the difficult things my way. At least not the big, dramatic things. I had a lot of loneliness as a kid, and small hurts.

    Btw, I’ve got a pisces sun (kind of think that explains some of the innocent appearance). Also Venus and Mars in the 8th house.

  17. And you know, this is weird. I was thinking about innocence all night, and past relationships, and wondering if I’d lost my innocence, or if not, then what exactly I have lost.

    I appreciate this blog.

  18. I can’t think of anything more important than having someone who will always be on your side.

    I can’t even imagine having the responsibility of dealing with your grandfather’s death put upon you when your parents were still alive.

    But of course, that is what you mean when you say that other people simply cannot get your life experiences, no matter how hard you try to relay them. Truly amazing experiences…..

  19. “Actually, I have a great example of this. I am disabled now, after two serious illnesses, and there was a point, many years ago, when I was on *serious* narcotics. My brother told my mother he thought I was an addict. He didn’t even think I was really sick. He thought my doctors were just my dealers, I guess. And I basically stopped talking to him at that point, for about 5 years.

    Then he got diverticulitis. And had two serious surgeries. And he learned something about pain, and about being sick, and about not being able to think your way out of it. And one day when I was on the phone with his wife, he suddenly wanted to talk to me. Not about anything important, just to say hi. I was shocked. He asked how I was feeling. That was the extent of the apology, but I recognized it for what it was….”

    kasemenova – I know this story well too. Thanks for expressing that so well.

  20. I can’t condense this anymore than I did. Sorry.

    This resonates in a very deep place for me, Elsa. It’s almost physical vibrations from my core.

    If I was ever innocent, I sure don’t remember it. Until the last few months, the only person I really had that stood behind me no matter what was my mom. And this December will mark 19 years since she died. It has been one hell of a road to recovery.

    My dad abandoned us when I was two and still hospitalized from my first of five surgeries. At 16, I met the only other person I’ve had in my life who truly knew who I was. I loved him with all I had, and he loved me too. If he hadn’t been gay, we would be married today with a picket fence, 2.5 kids and a dog. But he was, and it was then I learned to suck it up and just deal because people in the early 80s didn’t know how to handle that shit, never mind an 18 year old who was just fucking lost.

    I was about 22 when Mom’s cancer recurred. At the same time, my grandmother was in a nursing home and my aunt had a mastectomy. Brothers were both in other states with their own families. Did I mention my mother was 100% deaf at this point? When my grandmother died the day of my aunt’s surgery, there I was. 22 years old, having to make the arrangements for her while keeping Mom in the loop about her sister and holding Mom’s head while she puked after chemo, fighting with the nurses who couldn’t seem to understand that answering a call button to a room with a deaf patient was pretty damned stupid.

    Took over full time caretaking of Mom at 23, keeping her home until her death in front of my Christmas tree four days after Christmas. Fought with my brother’s over how I handled the funeral, altho it was to Mom’s own specifications. (She made me write her obit before she died so she would “know it was the way she wanted it” for God’s sake.)

    That’s just the highlights up to age 25. I would look at the people around me and think “What the hell did I do to create this life? I wanna be normal!!!”

    My 8th house has only my Aries moon, opp. Mars, so it’s not the matter of a packed 8th. Having learned a bit of astro from Elsa over the years, I see that my scary Pluto/Uranus/Asc has been a huge blessing to me in dealing with the weirdness of my life. I strongly suspect it is also the reason much of this came to me rather than someone else.

    I’ve pulled my chart from those days, trying to make sense of it. I’m still too much a novice to see how it plays. But I came into this world an old soul with stuff to do. They don’t give new, innocent souls ass kicking work to do the first time out, right?

    I have known some innocents. To be brutally honest, they irritate the hell out of me. So much reality in this world, and they freak out over a damned hangnail. lol

  21. Oh! Important note! I am planning my first real Christmas season without massive anxiety attacks or complete apathy. The man in my life has a huge extended family, all of whom like me despite my first house (hah!) and I am hosting a freakin’ Christmas brunch this year.

    It’s like “ohhhh…this is what it’s supposed to be like?” It’s amazing and a bright blessed reward for one hell of a road to here.

  22. I read this quote and it changed my perspective on innocence…

    “Ignorance is not knowing anything and being attracted to the good, Innocence is knowing everything and still being attracted to the good.”

    Most people do not have the capacity to know what being in that dirty grave is like. They are ignorant of what that takes and I don’t think most times it is by choice…they are limited in what they could ever know.

    So to me, the ultimate definition of innocence is the ability to be down in that dirty grave and to know and accept that’s where you will remain…and to know that you could take the path that could destroy others, yet you remain true to yourself, you maintain your integrity, you trundle on knowing that 99% of the time you will be the only person that knows what you’re doing is the only way, the right way, the only way you could ever do it…and you continue to be unbroken if only to be an example of true innocence for those that only seem to heave those shovels of dirt down on top of you. To continue on without bitterness, while maintaining compassion toward those that you know will NEVER understand…to me, is the definition of innocence.

  23. people think i’m innocent when i’m not.
    well, in some ways i am, because i’ve been spared a certain degree of ugly other people haven’t. but it also means that a number of people have tried to “protect” me from experiencing life. to tell me how to live my life. to keep my eyes away from the harshness of reality. because they are trying to “take care” of me.

    that don’t work too well for aries.
    and i’m a lot stronger than i look, or a lot of people give me credit for.

  24. Except for one situation in my life, i always “feel” innocent. And even in that situation, i blame myself for what i should not. Are there innocent people in the world? My innocence was taken from me, literally — i never got to be innocent

    And yet, i am.

    Okay, that probably made no sense….

  25. I don’t think anyone is innocent given a few years alive on the planet.

    To be 30, 40 and 50 and think you are innocent is funny, almost to the point of hysterical to me.

  26. moonpluto, me too. That totally made sense.

    kvk, Clarissa Pinkola Estés’ innocence quote — I want to remember this “being attracted to the good”, tho I find it challenging… as your own definition… plus something *does* break hard.

    I recently got to see Carl Jung’s red book show. (A friend on my side dragged me out of the house.) One of the displayed paintings was surprisingly ‘innocent’, in sharp contrast to his other imagery. It was a small bundled baby, entitled the divine child. Just as surprisingly, I was fascinated by this one image. Trying to grasp that *strong* feeling of innocence, give it some sense, making it fit. Anyway that’s the closest I’ve felt to feeling innocent in a long time and it stayed with me. The point is you can be innocent even though everything bad and nasty and wrong has gone to you when you reclaim it for yourself.

  27. yes, tho it requires digging deep, which can feel like adding injury to injury. probably because of the enormity of those injuries. but it’s there and I hope I don’t loose that connection. I’m glad you get it, I hope others can also, maybe it starts with saying and knowing “there is a part of me that is innocent and will always remain with me”. Darn,

    this is everyone’s birthright.

  28. grr…

    “The point is you can be innocent even though everything bad and nasty and wrong has gone to you when you reclaim it for yourself.”

    absolutely! I do think that innocence is a choice. And incredibly difficult as I think it’s one that must be chosen everyday.

    “there is a part of me that is innocent and will always remain with me”…beautiful! Thank you.

  29. I don’t feel like I was ever truly innocent. I’ve been mentally mature for much, much longer than most people are comfortable with. Not only that, but I am continually bitched at for doing things that others do all the fricken’ time without reproach. Add that to the fact that I’m very rarely recognized for the positive things I do, and I very often feel singled out, shat upon, and taken for granted. But if I dare to express it then once again I’m the red-headed stepchild of Adolf Hitler and Lucrecia Borgia. *snort*

    I like the idea that innocence is a choice and can, possibly, be reclaimed, but at the same time it seems terribly naive. I settle for being easily soothed by the small things: a good breeze, sunshine, and the tiny beauties everywhere. Enjoying such things is as close to innocence as I think I can come in this life.

  30. I think that there are people who live golden lives. They are not held accountable for their actions. Sadly, I have seen in a family where one child is a scapegoat who can do nothing right and the other child is golden who can do no wrong.

    • Lol thats my family too. But as we got older, we realized that everyone in the family has their dark side and a degree of innocence.
      And I was not one for taking being blamed nor would I stand for people being blamed for what they didnt do or wasnt responsible for. I recognize a gang up when I see one. And I was NEVER the one to stay silent about it either. Sigh! I guess thats a form of innocence.

  31. Flip, these people live golden Lies is what!!! Scapegoats are symptomatic of malfunctioning families and other social entities. The golden person wont rush any time soon to post here and answer Elsa’s question. Plus I suspect that golden person is going to have its own set of issues.

  32. I’ve read a biography on someone who said that they ‘had nothing to hide’.

    After I read that phrase I snickered inside because, really? I wonder how much of the truth in that person’s life was edited out or messed with to make that person look good.

    Pllleaaaaaase!! Nothing to hide? Really?

  33. 8th house moon/venus/south node. scorpio ascendant.

    Same here. I have had someone pushing all of the blame onto me, and I’ve been hated for no reason. I’ve been projected on since the age of five. I always look at my own reactions to others, with this in mind. Everyone screws up, but not everyone takes responsibility for it. Last year, I finally had people – friends – stand up for me, and it took me a while to realize that I wasn’t just fighting by myself, for myself. I trust them now.

  34. My mother and my uncle cleaned out my grandmother’s house, starting the day after we lost her, because they had to get back to work, and wanted to get it done whilst they could. some people, like an aunt of mine, acted as though they were robbing her grave, and caused a feud for a few years. She tried to protect their land, and hold onto it, but the men of the family wanted to sell it and take their share right away (separate land). Mum wanted to live in the house with us kids, for a few years, moving us back to where we were secure, but they also wanted to sell the house. they took an opportunity away from all of us, to be better situated, because they wanted their money – but mum was the black sheep for cleaning it all up.

    People come to her with their problems, they ask her to intervene and be there for them with others, and then apologize for her behind her back. Or ignore her if the intervention they asked for, caused further upset.

  35. “I know what it’s like to be me but I wonder what it is like to be you. Innocent. What is it like when everything bad and nasty and wrong goes on the other person?”

    oh, Elsa…
    Though this post is old, a virtual hug to the person who wrote this.

    I don’ t know about being one of the ‘innocents’ either. Have been considered the scapegoat a lot of times and the only guilty party almost all the time. Especially because I’m the one who moved and actually did something.

    I will be called upon to cover your ass and when it is all over (or even during) I’m back to being treated – well, not nice.

    But even in the worst of times, I know that I can and will rally around to do what needs to be done. For the very people who need it but may never learn to appreciate it.

    Because I have to. Because I can, you see.
    And, Elsa, you can and thus do too.

  36. Im thinking about what the soldier desired. Just for someone to be on his side and stay on his side. Reading that made me very emotional. It touched something deep in me because i realize thats all i have ever wanted from someone else. And it is a lot to ask.

  37. I’m an 8th house person with the two lights in this house and either Mars or Mercury as well depending on house system…either way my Mars is plutonified because it parallels Pluto exactly and my Merc is plutonified because it sesquares pluto Pluto is in the 3rd house (Mercuries house) conjunct Saturn in Scorpio, opposite my Venus, which makes my Venus Plutonified as well. Basically, my whole chart is Plutinian…evn my 8th ruler is conjunct my south node and square my teo lights in the 8th house. I am a Plutonian to the very core, BUT I have a strong Neptune being a double Pisces and with Neptune on my SN and square my Sun Moon and trine Venus. My Pluto and Neptune are on the anaretic 29th degree exactly sextile.

    Anyway, I think if it weren’t for Neptune, I would probably be a scapegoat, but with Neptune I’m able to escape these situations because I often avoid people like the plague. I’m often very lonely for this reason.. with neptune, I can avoid a situation like this because I can forsee the potential consequences. When things start feeling off, I disappear. I don’t engage. I transcend. I let things pass..etc.

    Also, I’m wondering how Henry died ? Was it completely unexprcted for him as well?

  38. Every offense to everyone who has always been my fault– since the moment of conception– so idk either. I have BML right behind my asc in cap and a leo moon in the 8th (depending on system). On the flip side whatever good i accomplish is only possible bc someone else made it happen. Pft.

  39. I don’t think anyone is 100% pure, white as snow. But there are people that are like 99.8%, or something along those lines. Maybe they had a snotty moment, or they had a thought of envy/jealousy.

    That being said, I don’t think it’s fair to judge people who have a mental illness bad enough, that they act out of character. They’re not themselves.

  40. I’ve recently reviewed my life and relationships- weirdly prompted by dreams- and with many people I’ve been a punching bag or a scapegoat. Treated badly. The object for people to indulge their worst behavior. Even people close to me. I realize that I did not advocate for myself (which to be fair isn’t always where you’re at)- I brushed it off because I’ve always felt kinda strong or just never believed people truly were hateful. But in retrospect these people were fucking malevolent. I would be justified in paying them back in spades. I mean if I said to their faces, you deserve every kind of punishment for how you treated me- they would be surprised but I don’t think they’d be confused.
    The facade all this time with people is mind boggling. I don’t owe these people even a kind word. I think that’s why deleting Facebook over a year ago was very satisfying. I’m not pretending we’re ok. Eff that.

    • Isn’t it nice when someone props themselves up your back? If I was ever to reciprocate and ‘ mirror the behavior and comments I received- people would be onto a very rude awakening. I confronted someone once and it was a bad idea because there were other people in the room farther away but I asked them’ why you said this’ insert very insensitive thing’ and she said ‘I didn’t, I would never say something that terrible to anyone.’ The other 2 people in the room looked at me with understanding eyes because they were there when she said that awful thing in the first place. Recently I’ve been slammed one way or another, just pure meannes- chiron transit square my natal is absolute shit. I got very hurt and thought maybe I was exaggerating in my head to play a sad violin but then I told my friend word by word and she said how would anyone say such a thing. It’s getting at me, alk the blows small and big.

  41. ‘They needed the bed.’ I understand this sentence. They brought another patient whilst I was bedridden- to sit on top of me, where? they got me out with a black leg, necrosis. They needed the bed. No pain medication, no food, no water, out in the scorching summer sun, I nearly passed out from the effort. Not surprised they were in a hurry with grandpa as well. I said before I wanted to read more stories about grandpa Henry but this was a sad one.

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