My 8th House Observations Around Acting As An Indivdual In Spite Of The Psychology Of The Collective

hook-line-sinker.jpgBack on the Church’s Fried Chicken situation and my bitchiness, I really didn’t mean to have that blog be about me.  This concept about giving people the benefit of the doubt or having their past conduct stand for something has been on my mind for a couple of months.

Awhile back I wrote a post about character assassination. I mentioned that two people in my inner circle had suffered this recently which led to conversations that went something like this:

“Okay, so they here this and that about you,” I said. “As highly as people think of you, do you not think they would question what they are hearing?  Does the whole town swallow the story, hook, line and sinker?”

The general conclusion was that they do but personally, I had a hard time getting this swallowed.  I wanted to think that someone would stand against the crowd and defend the person being burned at the stake but I guess this is not realistic. I mean there are exceptions but exceptions are rare by there nature so…

So a month beyond these conversations what I learned from them has been applied and I see now that in everyday relationships you are allowed choices of assuming the the worst, the best or at least something neutral when stimulated by someone.  I have seen this big time between the soldier and I as we are both people whose motives are constantly suspect to a wide range of people (even each other). But I have also seen it with (women) friends and/or clients who are trying to maintain relationships with men.

witchburnstakebritain-e.jpgThere is a tendency to assume the man has a nasty motive and the women winds up undoing herself. At least half the time, this is unbeknownst to the man who is not acting maliciously, has no idea that he is failing or even an inkling of the woman’s train of thought.

And what I am seeing is that if you train yourself to give people the benefit of the doubt, not only will you be much happier, your reduced caginess and anger can’t help but improve your relationships.

So anyway, this is what I meant to convey with that last blog and I have implemented this knowledge in my own life by giving the soldier some code words. I told him if I started going squirrely on him he should remind me, “P, I have money in bank. I have some credit with you, don’t I?”

I am pretty sure being reminded like that will snap me back and spare us both and with the climate the way it is out there I really think maintaining your alliances is a far better idea than otherwise.  The soldier feels one bad deed wipes away 100 atta-boys in his experience.  I wish he were wrong about that but for the majority he is not wrong so I will ask again:

Is it possible for someone to rack up credit with you… and have it be worth something?

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My 8th House Observations Around Acting As An Indivdual In Spite Of The Psychology Of The Collective — 15 Comments

  1. “It takes awhile for people to rack credit with me but when you do you’ve got me for life.”

    Couldn’t have said it better myself. 🙂
    Thanks, Skye.

  2. hell yeah! but it’s super scary at first. when you get the hang of it it really is liberating. and then, even when you know some actually IS doing something wrong it’s much easier to deal with it cos there’s some detachment– not that instant reaction.

  3. yes.
    i probably give people too much credit but i hate the way i’m suspicious of everyone otherwise. and i’ve earned to key into certain behaviour traits that appear to connect to trustworthiness.
    i’m getting better at it. i’d rather be disappointed sometimes than totally alienated. i just don’t let people in very far until they enough “credit” to justify it.

  4. Yep definitely. It takes awhile for people to rack credit with me but when you do you’ve got me for life. Everyone makes mistakes & Im not perfect either but if you’re good value in my books you’re good value.

    Venus & sun in tight conjunction with saturn & pluto

  5. Absolutely, and there are people in my life who have a lifetime’s worth of credit. But that doesn’t mean I never get angry or upset with them. It does mean that our relationship withstands it, and we all understand that we’re human. We all do good and bad, and overall there’s usually a positive balance. 😉

  6. I think once the wrong has been done things can dissintigrate rather quickly, so it is good to bring this up, to eachother, like, hey, don’t I have enough credit with you… There are those who think they can do no wrong, Then there are those who won’t trust that you are a good person worth shit, and will find a way to make you into a bad person. There is a saying by Jesus that goes … You see the spec in your brothers eye but do not see the log in your own…

  7. definitely, yes, people generate credit with me. and if someone is operating outside the boundaries of how i know them, i also tend to assume something is very wrong in their lives and it’s not their true nature.

    as i’ve gotten older, i’ve changed my perspective a lot on giving people the benefit of the doubt overall. when i was younger, i was a lot more worried about feeling or appearing stupid, and hence looked at the world more cynically.

    now, i give people the benefit of the doubt, conciously, as a gift to myself. if i’m wrong, then ok, but at least i didn’t have to live it over and over again. and by choosing that approach, i’m SO much happier. i could either be stewing over possibly imagined issues, or shrug my shoulders, figure there must be something i don’t know about here, and move on to enjoy the rest of my day. whenever i can, releasing the experiences i don’t enjoy enhances my life tremendously.

  8. Its ok if two people have the same kind of ‘currency’. Perhaps that kind of credit rating is awkward in the ‘balance’ sheets sometimes. If a person senses and feels that they are happy with self, comfortable in their own skin, it doesn’t really matter what sort of currency is being traded. Perhaps being realistic within relationships is helpful. Its ok not to like someone. Its ok to like someone even without an investment. In my mind there doesn’t need to be a committment of some kind to establish a relationship until that relationship requires longer term goals and direction. Some of us prefer to know or feel that the relationship is for the long term, it helps their sense of security to invest heavily.

    One could rack up an awful lot of expenditure just to remain friends. Why?

    kingsley

  9. I try to give the benefit of the doubt whenever a situation isn’t clearly being handled by an evil person/motive.

    The idea of credit…I suppose I never thought of it that way. If someone’s always been good to me, I trust them, even when something looks a little dark, I’ll talk to them about it. But I’ve found that even the ones that were sweet to me will literally turn their backs on me in a second. So while I try to be generous with my trust, I also trust my own intuition and knowledge of human behavior.

    Some people really will screw you over despite earlier behavior. But most people aren’t even thinking of you when they’re doing the screwing. It’s usually just something wrong with them…and that ends up making me feel bad for them.

  10. Because my husband just can NOT seem to get this concept, I started sort of a visual reminder. A couple of years ago he got me these heart shaped boxes, one large, one small. He wrapped them with all of these little heart confetti inside. Large ones and small ones. I put all of the hearts into one of the boxes. Every time he does something that really injures me emotionally, I put a large heart in the other box.. if its something that stays with me more than a day or so.. I put a second. No matter how bad it gets.. only 2. When he does something/says something that gives me the warm fuzzies, I put a small heart in the box.. if THAT feeling lingers I put a second. Only 2, no matter how good.
    The reason the bad stuff is represented by the large hearts is because it does take more of the good stuff to make up for the bad stuff.. at least in my world. He knows where the boxes are, I encourage him to look in there whenever he wants.. I dont ask him if hes looked. Valentines day every yr, we count them.. record them, empty the box & start again. I dunno if its helping or not.. but it sure is a stark reality at times when you can see it all together in front of you.. big hearts all mixed in with little ones.

  11. My point I guess is that credit can and does go a long way.. but you have to take into consideration the “debits” in the relationship as well. That can affect “credit lines” so to speak.

  12. “one bad deed wipes away 100 atta-boys in his experience” sad but true

    “it does take more of the good stuff to make up for the bad stuff” yes, exactly!

    The bad stuff affects me more than the good usually. Bad deeds can cause a lot of damage, and I think it’s human nature to want to protect yourself from pain. So we respond and move away from pain much more strongly than we respond and move toward pleasure. Trust that is abused can cost a lot, so a bad deed can really hit deep. But it does depend on what the bad deed is too, some are far worse than others. A bad deed that is intentional, mean-spirited, repeated, or without sincere apology will take many good experiences to balance; i.e. acting like a jerk has a big price tag! And the memory of the bad deed always lingers and affects the next credit. Because why continue to invest in something that will come back and bite you? A person can forgive, but it is extremely rare to forget pain. It’s just a reality that we are shaped by our experiences with others. The credit we have with others is based on trust, and nobody has to trust anybody – it is a gift and should be treated with respect.

  13. Hey Des, in a way it is a Libra – Saturn thing. It is about relational investment. When one partner is wanting to explain something not so digestible to the other person, it pays to have some ‘credit’ in the relational bank. In other words one’s attachment is not in danger of a seemingly terminal crisis.

    Obviously that cannot always happen especially with one derogatory argument after the another, and something quite strong is said or acted upon.

    One goes into extreme debt in such cases or the relationship is bankrupted.(Saturn) Therefore it helps to build the relationship up with teenagers and children before explaining the errors of their ways. There is more potential that they listen if the attachment is strong.

    k

  14. With me? Yes. Absolutely.
    And people who are swayed, willy-nilly, regarding me, lose credit in my esteem of them. (What? Forget everything you know about me, because someone else dislikes me? Well, that speaks volumes, about the easily dissuaded ones.)

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