Mistaken As Anti-Social?

Joseph orginalThis morning my husband told me that the foreman at his new job said he was anti-social. He was a bit taken aback. I was surprised as well. He’s getting on well there. He comes home each day and tells me what jokes he told. He’s what you call, “a funny bastard”. It’s clear he’s well-liked. I wanted to understand this so I asked questions.

It turns out they don’t like him going out to his car to eat lunch. He does this for a bunch of reasons. He wants to get off his feet, have some peace and quiet, some time to himself, and he also says is daily prayers out there.

Keep in mind, he’s spent the last eight years, alone in a truck. I’m sure it’s a great relief to leave the building for a short respite.

I suggested he tell the he goes outside to pray…he says it’s none of their business what he’s doing and that’s true. But then I found out he gets two fifteen minutes breaks each day…he spends them in his car as well. This is funny, isn’t it?

“What they are really telling you is that they like your company and they want you around. They want to chat with you and have your company…”

I’m sure this is this is the case. He says they all want to come over here, all the time. They want his energy. The way they try to get it is by calling him “anti-social”.

My husband is not truly anti-social. He’s just got very little time and he wants to spend at least some of it doing things that are important to him. And he definitely wants to run his own life. So if you give him an hour break in is work day (which runs from 6 am – 4:40 pm), he is going to use each minute. In fact he’ll count the minutes down to the seconds.

So you can imagine the scene. Everyone is working together, joking and such. The break comes and the person they all want to talk to leaves the building.

There is a dog out there who he feeds and talks too. This is his preference and I can’t say I blame him. He has no Libra in his chart.

I do have Libra and told him to invite them over at any time. I figure this is inevitable, eventually.

What do you think about this backwards compliment?

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Mistaken As Anti-Social? — 33 Comments

  1. He is a funny bastard. Socialist slippers. What??? I don’t know if he is funny. But your stories about him are. I take breaktime alone most days too. And even though I am woman, I like to go to bathroom by myself too. And yes, they are goading him. That’s as far as I can get on that one.

    This woman I know, she works in elder care, alot of hours. And has some crafts groups she belongs to. She carries this age old depression. So she’s at the doc’s office and he tells her she needs more people in her life. She’s like I am with people all day long, more people? Now there’s this young libra I watched in her relationship. Constant interaction between the two of them. I was floored. It would drive me nuts.

  2. I think you are right on with your assessment of why the workers feel this way, however telling him that he is anti-social intending to change his behavior is a passive-aggressive manipulation technique common in Polite Southern culture. He should do as he pleases and either ignore such commemts or respond with grammerical correction by clarifying the true meaning of the term anti-social and affirm that the true meaning does not apply to him and leave it at that. He does not need to change his behaviour nor does he need to explain himself. This sounds like appropriate and heathy boundaries to me especially considering that he is supervising these folks it is not always appropriate to socialize outside of the work place, sometimes it blurrs lines that are better left solid and clear. This Libra learned this lesson the hard way. As usual the Soldier his holding to a higher standard which is professional and appropriate and not at all anti-social.

    • Actually, he’s not supervising them yet…and may never be. He’s been out of machining all these years so have to become current on the computerized machinery. But since he’s started there, he’s got no interest in being a supervisor. I mean, he was hired for this but does not care…prefers to stay where he is doing what he’s doing, he’s a machinist.

      I hope he gets what he wants because otherwise we’re looking at 2nd shift which I believe is 4:00pm – 2:30 am…then a half hour commute home. He does not care about the extra money or the higher position, whatsoever. (See, Where Have All The Leaders Gone?) https://www.elsaelsa.com/astrology/mars-opposite-neptune-where-have-all-the-leaders-gone/

      I also saw it as passive aggressive but not in a nasty way. They just don’t know what to make of him. They treat him like he’s stupid, “Do you know how use a band saw?”

      But then they have some complex problem…and he is the one who can sort it for them. I think they have been running through a lot of people, the men in the shop want him to stick around…save his direct supervisor who wants his son to have the supervisor job my husband was hired to do. He tried to make him look bad, but my husband is a very cool head and he knows what he wants.

      He wants to go to work, make his money, eat his lunch, pray his prayers, work his equations / formulas on this break and then come home. This is exotic in some way.

      • “…Passive aggressive but not in a nasty way.” is just what I meant by “polite southern culture” I laughed when I read you reminding that he was not supervising them, I read your blog every day I knew this I think I just associate him with leadership isn’t that funny. I hope he gets exactly what he needs and wants. I love the stories you tell about him I have tremendous respect for him through your presentation of him and I can understand these guys being drawn to him and wanting him to be “one of them” when he is really his own man doing his own thing in his own way.

      • Moon in Scorpio (5degrees) is always misunderstood. Complex problem solving and thinking outside the box (MC in Aquarius) are strong points for creative projects. Alone- time for re- charging is a must for any Moon in Scorpio ( with Neptune at 7 degrees in the sixth house). I work better alone.

  3. I’ve been called “anti-social” too. In my case, it wasn’t a compliment–people thought I was being a snob! (Ouch.)

  4. In his case, as long as he doesn’t get into trouble with his boss for it or anything, I’d say he has the right to do what he wants at lunch. :). Like you said, he could just tell them he’s saying his prayers. Hopefully they won’t press him for details like my coworkers would (mine can be buttinskis).

  5. Scorpio moon/6th: LOL because I used to do the same thing at work (when I worked in the corporate world) … leave the building for lunch, and only joined the others for lunches on special occasions. My excuse was, “I have to go home and feed my dogs, and let them out for a bathroom break.” (Was fortunate to live only 10 minutes from the office.) But I have Venus closely conjunct that moon; it didn’t reflect badly on me. My boss actually told me once that I’d earned the trust of the executive team because they noticed I didn’t hang out and gossip with the other admins. Thus, I always was party to the *real* office (6th house) secrets (Scorpio). I also think this helped me keep my job when others were getting laid off all around me, being viewed as someone who was trustworthy and careful with confidential information.

  6. “Ronnie was born;
    The nurses were around;
    They said somebody;
    Dropped this baby on the ground

    That’s baaaaaad. That’s ba-ba-ba-ba-bad…”

    That’s yesterday’s song in the shop. Apparently there is a guy there, Ronnie. They walk by him singing a song each morning…he then sings it, hums it or whistles it all day.

    They have my husband choose the song. And the guy does it, without fail. So I guess they like his songs, among other things.

  7. I can relate to this…I prefer to leave the office for lunch and just generally do my own thing. Even if I eat at my desk I’ll then usually leave to go on a walk afterwards.

    I don’t know if I’m considered antisocial, I’m sure my coworkers think I’m a little odd though, especially if they haven’t talked to me much. Aquarius MC issue? I have Libra on the 6th house cusp and I am friendly, but I don’t go out of my way to integrate socially. I also have Pluto in Scorpio in the 6th. There are aspects of my personal life that I don’t necessarily want everyone in my office to know about. My main focus is on maintaining a harmonious environment, ignoring any drama, just getting the job done well. It’s worked out quite nicely for me.

    As for the backhanded compliment aspect…yeah, that’s ridiculous. If they want more time with him they shouldn’t say stuff like that. I don’t think that’s very socially astute of them, and it amuses me how people who decry others’ social behavior are often the ones who lack social skills themselves.

    • “…it amuses me how people who decry others’ social behavior are often the ones who lack social skills themselves.”

      So true!

      As for spending time with him, they are definitely trying to. Like I said, I’m sure they’ll be out here eventually. There are two of them he really likes. It’s just he’s still settling in. Like maybe the first of next year?

      My husband has many problems and has not seen a doc for 18-24 months. Priorities, see?

      They’re also looking at him squintily at church. He’s a 4th degree Knight of Columbus and he’s not yet been to a meeting.

      It’s not a snub or lack of caring or interest. People just have no idea.

      He’s actually going to a meeting tonight…and mass ahead of time. It will take several hours after a 10.5 hour work day and an hour commute. Then he’ll get home and back up at 4:15 am to go to work.

      Not a lot of time for anything, see? And the Knights will have him volunteered for God knows what – we both know this. And when they find out how much they like him (they don’t know his yet), then we’re going to see our social lives explode, I’m sure. So luckily, we live out of town. πŸ™‚

      But on the other hand, I want big parties. I’ve said this for years in the forum, so we’ll figure it out. πŸ™‚

    • Cosmicbeast, I agree, I used to eat at my desk or if the weather was nice go outside to eat. Part of me wanted to eat with the “lunch bunch” who ate in the conference room every day, but they were very cliquey, the two guys had the TV on sportscenter everyday and the vapid female assistant’s main observation was whether the girlfriend of said sports star was properly hot enough to be dating him. I have Pluto in Libra in the 10th.

      Regarding the backhanded compliment, yes, I think it is just that. Having lived around the South my whole life, and imagining you or rather your husband, are dealing with small-town Southern men of a certain age, I think they just do not know how to properly express their feelings, especially to other men. I do think they like, respect, and want to hang out with him and yes, are flummoxed that he doesn’t also want to eat lunch and shoot the sh*t with them then and at breaks. They aren’t just going to come out and say “hey man, why don’t you eat lunch with us?” so them trying to goad him by calling him anit-social is their way of trying to get him to eat with them. They are not trying to be rude, or mean-spirited, this is just how they are.

      I think simply telling them he likes them but wants some space at lunch, wants to get off his feet, wants to commune with the dog, etc. would help them to understand why he doesn’t eat with them. I’m a big fan of both giving explanations to people and getting them myself, however I totally respect your husband’s right to do what he does and not tell anyone anything. Is that my Mars in Aquarius 3rd house talking…?

  8. I have to agree with the above comments of both ajm1008 and notch. Your husband is not anti-social and the Polite Southern culture is trying to manipulate him to blur those lines between supervisor and worker. Not to say he won’t find a few people he works with to invite over to the house but taking his time is best to see what these folks are about that is the soldiers way. I think it is cool that he takes his breaks and lunch in his car does his prayers and feeds the stray puppy. As Shakespeare would say “to thy own self be true”. However you are right he is a humorous man, or at least the stories you tell of him are.

  9. Oh man! This happened to me. There was a bloke at work who wanted my energy, but couldn’t get it. So he used to tell people I was ‘anti-social’ to try to goad me. The other people couldn’t understand what the hell he meant. And yes, he projected his own social failings onto me. This is a very different set of circumstances to that of your husband’s workplace, but the dynamics reminded me of my own situation.
    This bloke was insecure, had ’50s attitudes to women, and used his energy to antagonize people of both sexes, which is why he was never promoted in his (former) career. He needed women to suck up to him; needless to say, he was pretty despised.

  10. LOL at this because I used to do a similar thing (when I worked in the corporate world). For me, it was “gotta go home and let my dogs out to pee.” With Venus conjunct my Moon-Scorpio/6th, it reflected well on me, though–my boss told me once that the executive team trusted me because they noticed I usually didn’t do lunch, hang out, or gossip with the other admins. Because of this, I always knew about the office (6th) secrets (Scorpio) that were “privileged information,” such as, who was getting fired or laid off. Not that it was always easy to carry those secrets, but I was in the loop.

  11. I so understand where your husband is at with this. I have Moon in Scorpio and so does my husband. When I was working, I ate lunch in the car just to have some alone time and do what I want for an hour. My husband eats in his car too, but he drives a couple of blocks away to a local park and does it there.

    People misinterpret the Scorpio need for alone time because of their own insecurities and needs. They want him to be part of the “group” and that means eating with them lunch time. Calling him anti-social is just a bully tactic to get him to do what the group wants.

    Lunch groups at work are a very political thing, but after awhile its just the same old conversations, so new blood, like your husband’s, helps to invigorate the group. I don’t blame your husband for not wanting to be part of it, but he should have lunch or a break with them once and awhile so they don’t talk about him. Lunch is very political at work. How you fit into the culture means a lot.

  12. Elsa, Why doesn’t he ask if any of them would like to accompany him outside for a walk, get some fresh air? Surely that is more healthy than staying inside gossiping about somebody who is not there to defend himself.
    Then they can see what he is doing and at some point in the walk he can ask the others to be quiet for a while as he would like to say his prayers. Then they would begin to understand him and he might end up with a friend for life.

    Moon

    • You don’t make friends with anyone who is disapproving of you first, making unpleasant remarks, based on nothing. And why are we so eager to strive to make ourselves understandable by everyone? Let’s wright the manual of ourselves, lay it on table with a little bit of our guts beside in case they want to be sure they dig you to the bone. How interesting the world be…
      I am sure they want to be friends with Elsa’s husband, but on their terms. So the understanding of “friendship” is not applicable here and sure not for life.

  13. Hi Elsa,
    I absolutely agree with comment of aim1008.
    Your husband owes nothing at all to nobody. The company of a dog is much better than nosy people. You are considering to invite his coworkers to your home to let them to get to know your husband, to show he not anti – social? You really considering to invite people to your house, which are making such statements, putting your husband in position to prove himself to them or to in this case to prove other wise? And you are considering to give them that satisfaction? This people must learn what respect is, how to communicate in a healthy way free of judgement and may be then they will deserve the honor to be at your place.
    Little by little we give piece by piece of ourselves away to others just because they are entitled and capable to make our life miserable. In case with your husband, i am 100% on his side. Support him to stand his grounds, Elsa, find your witchy groom (you have forgotten you have one) and keep this people out of your doors until they have learned what humility is. It is not a situation to be nice. It is a situation to stand grounds.

    • Tatyana, I am not disrespecting my husband. He likes two of the men, a lot. He is very likely to wind up rebuilding a 70’s Harley he has with one of them.

      You’re misreading my communication with my husband. This has to do with people coming over in general, from other conversations we’ve had. I was basically telling him that I would not have a problem with it, if he decided to invite these people over…they are bikers, basically. So that’s different than his family, my friends, neighbors and church people.

      They do talk about ass all day long in there. The one woman who works there has no idea what they say when she’s up front, which she usually is. So it would be possible I’d not want them to come over.

      For the record, the person who made the remark would not be one of the invitees! πŸ™‚

      • OOh, Elsa, i have not think for a second, that you are disrespecting your husband. I did misread the situation, occupation, relationships in a community you are leaving in. I may not be and i am not in judgement of the communication with your husband :). I guess i communicate quite strictly…

        “For the record, the person who made the remark would not be one of the invitees!” . Good! πŸ™‚

  14. This is just me, but I woukd be miserable around anyine who called me antisocial for not eating lunch with my co workers. I would always be suspicious of them. If it were my boss whi told me this, I would be fretting all day long at work. I woukdnt be abke to look them in the eye. Its hard for me to look people in the eye who coukd possibly have alterior motives. I’d be afraid they would see how much I loathe them. This would cause huge problems for me. But I have lilith in the 6th.

    • I understand, but they’re all men and it’s quite different.

      “What’s in your backpack?” they ask him.

      “What’s in your wallet?” he responds.

      Because it’s none of their business what’s in his backpack…and they all know it!

  15. I can kind of see why they’d say that. It’s what you said. Sometimes people pay attention when there’s a pattern markedly different from that of others. Like i think the reason i have been seen as weird is a conspicuous pattern of behaviors others would not be able to account for. Some tell me people dont care or notice what i do, others say stop doing that or people think your weird. I used to keep my purse on for a while when i first got in somewhere and people kept asking me if i intended to leave. No, it is a habit i had to not lose my purse or just some confusion cause usually the hallway is packed with people putting their stuff down. Or, i frequently go to parties alone on impulse. People assume im with friends and when they find out im not they assume im ‘brave’ or a slut. This is because of the patriarchy. Im actually lonely and spontaneous and individual.

    I’d probably explain or something if it were me to take the edge off but I’m highly awkward and have used honesty to carve out a comfortable work environment. I don’t like inviting people over especially ‘anytime’. I have no Libra and I usually have a dirty apartment and like my personal space.

  16. People have these stock behaviors and stock reasons. Sometimes they make good sense. Sometimes the reasons are Darwinian almost. I.e. girls going to parties in packs signifying they are high status

  17. People aren’t dumb though, and I’m not a special snowflake. They can easily read things that are dismaying. They see my insecurity, my neediness, my negativity fairly quickly. Just by the way I cower by myself at parties and bars. The way I relish when someone attractive engages me in conversation. In Europe, I don’t fool anyone especially. And few people think I’m quirky or smart who are European. They’re better educated than me. Humans are animals, I don’t know where I get off hoping I can make people think I’m ‘different’

  18. “One of them is a martial arts expert. He said, you were a Ranger, I know you did some hand to hand combat.”

    “They don’t know you were in Special Forces too?”

    “No. I didn’t tell ’em anything, but I’ve got this Ranger tattoo. He said, I was up all night, thinking about you. Makes me want to get back into fighting.”

    “They’re using your energy,” I said.

    “What energy?”

    I laughed.

    “I ain’t got no energy. They must be using my farts. I fart a lot.”

    • Happy birthday!!! πŸ™‚ Your husband was birthday, Elsa, if i am correct?
      I have read articles you posted ( not all of them yet). You are so happy together, it’s wonderfully delightful to hear and see in your video’s your devotion to him and feel how much you are loved by him, how much you admire him. It’s magical and very inspiring and so lovely to read in your stories
      The best wishes to both of you!

      P.S. What i wanted to add is i appreciate a lot that you have welcomed me in to your blog . It was new experience to me to be welcomed on the internet. Also so new -your kindness, i was so astonished, did not even get that you welcomed me and forgotten to thank you. So: Thank you, Elsa! πŸ™‚ Nice to be here. Wonderful, strong, intelligent community you have created. Hug and Love!

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