Met With Compassion

Vintage postcard JupiterI went to see my fifth doctor about my neck yesterday. Sixth, if you count the physical therapist. I have this truly disgusting, shocking MRI of the thing. I mean, my neck is off-the-chain.

I am pretty sure this is due to being kicked in the head with my father’s steel-toed boot, over and over and over and over…easily several hundred times. Imagine that?  A little girl lying on the floor, her father kicking her in the head, “You think you’re smart, don’t you, Elsa? You’re too smart for your own good, but I’ll fix that…”

I was thinking about my brain as he kicked me in the head over and over, as a matter of routine, over a number of years. I was NOT thinking about my neck. But it’s easy to see how this kind of trauma would injure your neck; you get older and God help you when the arthritis kicks in.

So I have this trash-neck. That’s what I call it.  It sounds real bad on paper (the description) but when you see the visual, the actual MRI, you just think, WTF? How is this woman walking around?

Well I am walking around and I have been for years. But I need treatment now and I have a very hard time getting it. It’s not really anyone’s fault.  More like just an insane tragi-comedy. I have been pleading for help since November. I finally got it, yesterday.

I got it at a pain clinic place or at least I will, soon. They are going to kill the nerve in my neck, which is fine with me.  But pain clinics are full of addicts. I can tell you this for sure because every single person in the waiting room with me was itching and shaking. I don’t know what to say. I have never been in a methadone clinic, but this is what I think one of them would be like.

They have you bring all your medication to your appointment. I am prescribed Tramadol for my neck, three times a day. I take one pill a day, so my “most recent prescription” has not been touched. I told her this, but she still dumped the bottle and counted the ninety pills. “You filled this in June?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

So she looks at this mri…and here I am with trash neck, surviving on one Tramadol and I don’t want a prescription. I told her I have a high threshold of pain, courtesy those head kicks, ya think?  And that I preferred the pain over the side effects from meds.  She proceeded to take care of me, like a queen.

Before they kill your nerve they do two test shots, to make sure they kill the right nerve.  They had no openings until September. She said I could drive to the city and get in sooner….I said, “Fine.”

But in the end, she scheduled me at the end of the day, tacked me on to the work schedule. I’ll get my first test shot on Monday. I couldn’t believe it, I burst into tears. Jupiter in Virgo grace.

This has been very hard to deal with for the last eight or nine months. I can’t even imagine what it will be like to not feel it anymore. When something goes on this long, it’s impossible to track all the ways it affects you.

I hope something good is happening in your life too!


Met With Compassion — 50 Comments

  1. Oh Elsa, duch pain has hit us. I have pluto co transiting eighth house conjunct natal merc and square my Saturn moon conjunction in Aries 12th house. Out of the blue my 4 year old Down’s Syndrome son was diagnosed with leukemia. I haven’t been home since June 6th and I’m now sitting in an isolation unit with him while in starts a two tear treatment program. All suffering mothers and children as re here (living on what seems like the medical equiv of death row.) The emotional trauma of all is here. This is Pluto’ terrain. I’m fighting all the way with all negativity but this is pluto’s hell but there is treasure here to be found – great people, true compassion, suffering together but it’ hugely toxic too. All those deep emotions are frothing over the top in everyday life – rage, deep depression, emotion hell battling with transcendence of impure emotional health. Love to you Elsa, I can only write to you about this because you understand. Health and peace to you.

  2. I’m so glad to hear that! 😀

    Most of the addicts in the clinic are people who have legitimate injuries, but there’s no solution to their pain except for the drugs (like the spinal fusion didn’t work or back fired, etc. etc.). When I worked Workers Comp, I had a lot of patients headed down that road 🙁

    • One guy was told his appointment was the day before. Also, my appointment was at 8:15, I was told to be there at 7:45, though they didn’t open until 8:00. Consequently, I was outside waiting…and chatting of course.

      I learned if you show up one minute late for your appointment, they turn you away. There are also signs posted, if you are self-pay, you need $250 cash to be seen…and to stay on your meds, you need to be seen once a month.

      When I got in the office, I gave her the pill bottle and she said, “so they want us to prescribe this for you?”

      I guess docs do not want to write these Rx at all – you’re like a patient they don’t want. I know this is true because when I first came here, I was asked if I had back pain. I said I had torn discs and had shots in my back, TEN YEARS ago. They refused me as a patient.

      This is all government bullshit and sure to get, much, much worse.

  3. I am having difficulty putting into words the gamut of feelings I felt when reading your post. I am so very sorry that you had to undergo such a horrible childhood which damaged you in such a way. I imagine that it took you quite some time to overcome the psychological damage as well.Having had a somewhat difficult childhood also, I can empathize with you and know that what doesn’t break you makes you stronger.This is particularly difficult when you are a child. You have amazing fortitude and character and I am so very happy that you have found help for your pain. God Bless You!

  4. Hi Elsa,
    Like you I had a nasty childhood, but lately I have been so fortunate to be surrounded by many people who are helping me, just out of the goodness of their hearts. I’m buying a home, and an acquaintance who invests in real estate for a living has been giving me free advice. The realtor was a nice, honest guy. One of my neighbours rang someone who lives in my new neighbourhood to get the rundown on the place I was thinking of buying. I owed a lawyer money, but he gave me a good deal to settle the debt. There are evil people who like to hurt those in their power, but so many good people in the world also. I was wondering what is the astrology behind this, so perhaps jupiter in virgo is the answer. I hope your pain (physical and emotional) goes away forever.

  5. I am thinking of the Resilience of the Human Spirit when I read your post Elsa. What horrors you have come through and yet you have managed to carve out a life in which you help others, and you have stayed sane! I am so glad that someone decided to help you and really “see” you. I hope Jupiter/Virgo sends more of these people into your path. Blessings on them in advance!

  6. Oh Elsa, grace of God and all your compassion you send out coming back to you. Blessing on your recovery, dear one.

  7. Oh wish you all good now with your health! (I also had violence in my childhood but I didn`t get kicked in the head..Jesus!)

  8. OMG ((Elsa)). I have Saturn in 1H opposite Moon in 7H, and I’ve felt rejection from my mother and SIL’s at times, but nothing like physical trauma. I also have Mars opposite Asc, so I tend to get riled up easily, but thankfully, in the last month I’m come across a booklet by June Hunt called “Verbal & Emotional Abuse.” It contains scriptures about why no one has the right to abuse me and why I shouldn’t accept it. For me, just getting to the point that verbal abuse is WRONG has been liberating. No, I can’t control what someone thinks and how they express themselves, but I can remove myself from their presence instead of participating in an unhealthy conversation or relationship. I also want to share my coach, Jen Hoffman’s link about neck pain with you:
    I have very pronounced forward head posture (worked as a medical transcriptionist for almost 3 decades and never did anything consistently to improve it), but thankfully, I started Jen’s program last fall. It’s a very unique program that’s changing my life as far as moving my body goes. Jen says we need “moving nutrients” as well as food nutrients as it improves the movement of blood, lymph and electricity. Well, I hope you get relief soon!

  9. I’ve had that same procedure (RFA) about three or four times now. Because it doesn’t last forever — the nerve actually grows back, despite what we tend to hear about nerves — but I have gotten really good relief with it — up to 18 months at a time — and I hope you do too. I also have a freaky MRI; I call it the leaning tower of me because one side of my neck is sort of collapsing but I’m doing everything possible to avoid fusion. I’ll take the liberty of giving you one tip: be sure you’re wearing good shoes. I switched to an orthotic, with super arch support, and it reduced my neck pain a lot. Something about posture, no doubt, and now I only wear Orthaheels (I get them at QVC) or things get worse, immediately. Be well, Elsa!

  10. That is wonderful news, Elsa. Wishing you great relief and comfort and it sounds like it’s here. What a hell you’ve had to come through but you are on the other side.

  11. Tears reading what you have been going through… Cheers and prayers of thanksgiving knowing you have relief very very soon to come.. Your strength of spirit and fortitude are truly amazing and inspiring, as is your compassion and desire to help others all throughout such a long and painful trial…Your columns are always filled with insight, truth and light… I love “reading Elsa” ! Sending love and healing thoughts..saying lots of prayers <3

  12. Holding that small suffering child in my heart. And the strong survivor woman. May you find relief from the neck pain–soon! Good for that nurse.

  13. How wonderful that she fit you in! You deserved that, Elsa. I hope this is the answer for you and you’ll get some sweet relief now. Bless you!

  14. Oh my God Sorry Elsa I tried writing you on facebook then you said you don’t read those messages I was helping you with ping people on the internet… anyway make a long story short (get back to you later) God Bless

  15. Your story makes me grateful for our UK NHS, flawed though it may be. It is brave, honest and admirable of you to be so honest and open about horrible childhood trauma. I am so sorry you had to go through this – but your honesty and guts has obviously moved and inspired many of us. Thank you, and blessings on the compassion you received and the person who bestowed it.

  16. Great news to hear Elsa! It sounds like you made your case at the pain clinic, and have an advocate to get it done without delay. Rightfully so!

  17. Oh my dear Elsa! Tears here for you for your childhood horror and your health situation today! I know you are Capricorn Rising just like me. Whenever I know that someone is a Cap Rising, I think “rough childhood.” But yours was so much worse than mine! My God, I cannot even imagine such cruelty! God Bless you Sweet Elsa! If you survived that kind of childhood, you will get through Pluto in your 12th house and your health problems of today. You are going to be just fine! Sending you a huge hug and a truckload of love. Take care of your beautiful inner child!

  18. They called and canceled my appointment. Equipment breakdown. Luckily, they expect to be up and running tomorrow. So weird how jagged this goes!

  19. somehow you survived this torture and have given much to the world, you are victorious. no wonder you have had these health issues, good lord. how on earth you got through that, a parent jealous of his own daughter’s gifts, is beyond amazing.

  20. I know someone else with long-term pain. She too prefers the pain to the side effects. She’s been on the same dose for 15 years now. They still treat her with suspicion and like she’s an addict. It is VERY hard to watch.

    I am beyond grateful to hear that they have a solution for you. A sane solution. I love it when I see the world hand out some grace. It gives me hope for others.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *